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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said this?

337 replies

MrsHappyAndMrCool · 30/06/2018 13:07

So me and DS6 went to do a food shop this morning, he needed to go to the toilet so I took him into the ladies.

There was a lady in there with 3 girls, there was a little bit of silliness towards my son going on amongst the three girls whilst we waited for a cubicle to become free, which I ignored because I know girls can be very silly when it comes to things like this.

Then the biggest girl said “Mum why is there boy in here” very loudly, the mother then turnt to me and said “Couldn’t you have taken him into mother and baby or round the back of somewhere because he is making my daughters feel uncomfortable”

I am usually very good at ignoring people, I replied by saying “don’t be so pathetic you silly silly woman” a few more words were exchanged then I went on to tell her to stop embarrassing herself.

I feel a bit bad now, was IBU?

OP posts:
mrjoepike · 01/07/2018 18:16

the silly woman best stay in her little world because unisex public toilets are becoming the norm/many counties have them.
being a new thing where i am,the problem was solved more or less by new builds having a entrance room with an attendant on duty,
with all the pissing and moaning on mn about facilities am amazed no one has gone psycho on these.they are all over europe and friend said they were popping up in china and japan
www.lonelyplanet.com/news/2016/02/17/australia-gets-its-first-pop-up-urinal/

mrsdaz · 01/07/2018 18:20

In swimming baths at the age of 8 boys are expected to go into the men’s, therefore I see this as the cut off for my boys coming into the ladies with me. I certainly wouldn’t send my 6 year old into a toilet alone! It’s bad enough for my 8 year old...we went to the theatre recently and the men pushed and shoved and he ended up coming out 10 minutes later having not been to the toilet! He was very distressed and I then queued for the ladies with him.

If anyone had called me out on it I’d have told them to mind their own business!!

I know a 9 year old boy who has become a girl. She uses the girls, with or without her wig on. It’s very irresponsible for the parent of these girls to be setting such a bad example by questioning you and telling you to take him elsewhere.

Starlighter · 01/07/2018 18:26

I would not send a 6 year old in the men’s toilets on his own! And what’s the point of blocking a mother and baby toilet for no good reason?!

This woman has a ridiculous attitude, and yes, it might’ve been better to just explain why there’s nothing wrong with a 6 yo boy in a ladies toilet, but I don’t blame u for losing your cool. I bet she wouldn’t send her sheltered daughters anywhere on their own by the sounds of it!

Hanywany · 01/07/2018 18:29

I totally woukd have told her to just piss off and mind her own business and perhaps pay more attention to bringing up polite little girls rather than rude ones! Hes 6 for christ sake my 2 older boys are 9 and 6 and they still go to the toilet in the ladies with me i wouldnt have them.go anywhere near the mens until i knew they were perfectly capable of telling a dirty perv to basically sod off you never know whos lerking anywhere let alone the mens toilets! Some women are such silly silly old cows!

dorisdog · 01/07/2018 18:35

I don't think you were that unreasonable. She was being ridiculous and she should have asked her children to be kinder. Might not have been the best response ever, but hey ho.

LockedOutOfMN · 01/07/2018 18:37

YWNBU. The woman needed to tell her daughters to be kinder.

pinkstripeycat · 01/07/2018 18:44

I wouldn’t let my 10 year old DS go in to the men’s alone. If he is with his 12yr old DB they go to the gents together. Not so long ago a 14 yr old boy was raped in mens toilets in Manchester while his mother waited outside so I think it’s still okay to take a 10 yr old in to the ladies. Obvs a 14 yr old boy wouldn’t go in the ladies but it shows little ones might not be okay going in to the mens. Once my youngest is at seniors I won’t take him in with me. If this woman is offended by a little 6yr old boy I’d like to see her reaction when a 6ft 3” transgender female enters the ladies! I have a transgender sister who still looks quite a lot male she uses the ladies as she obviously identies as female. Lots of seniors schools now have mixed (or gender neutral) toilets

MummyMuppet2x2 · 01/07/2018 18:55

I agree she was silly to say what she said, but I feel your response was a bit much and too full on.

YWBU.

rosesandflowers1 · 01/07/2018 19:01

Lots of seniors schools now have mixed (or gender neutral) toilets

Yes, I've noticed this too. Usually you found unisex toilets in little cafés or something, but bigger institutions are getting them.

DD's school have still got their single sex toilets but they built a new block and all the toilets in there are gender neutral.

CasanovaFrankenstein · 01/07/2018 19:04

No way would I let my son into a public toilet alone. Apart from anything else they are often minging.

And the suggestion that he should just pee down a wall, let's not encourage this!!

MrsRonaldWeasley · 01/07/2018 19:13

I don’t think you were BU - she was rude... and her children were rude!

crunchymint · 01/07/2018 19:18

Casanova Women's can be much worse

Strongmummy · 01/07/2018 19:18

You weren’t unreasonable for taking him into the ladies with you.
You are unreasonable to say “girls can be silly about these things”
You didn’t handle the exchange well.
It’s done, so forget it.

zippyswife · 01/07/2018 19:22

When I take ds7&5 swimming I bring them into the girls changing rooms. I got some looks that I’m sure I wasn’t imagining the other day. It did make me wonder whether I should be taking them into the boys changing rooms and what are the rules on this.

cricketmum84 · 01/07/2018 19:44

She was rude and her children were rude. And as for suggesting you take him round the back for a wee??! FFS! At 6 he is not old enough to go in a men's toilet alone. She obviously didn't have boys so had no understanding of the situation. Just let it go and don't beat yourself up over it cos there are plenty of people who would have reacted the same. Myself included!

squooz · 01/07/2018 19:48

Well imagine the looks I get with my 11 year old autistic son! I give a reasonable explanation at first but have have been known to use far more colourful language than you OP - especially to the ‘ take him round the back somewhere’ part - I use the disabled toilet if I can but as it’s often either a radar key or also the baby change area I often get similar responses there because his disability is invisible. So no OP YANBU and quite mildly worded!

flowergrrl77 · 01/07/2018 19:54

Not RTFT, but back in the day before family changing rooms at pools, they used to have signs up saying at what age the boys were expected to change separately from mums, and the girls had to go be separate from their dads.

I think it was children over 7 that was listed (so once they hit 8)

Although I took my eldest in with me for years after due to SEN (if no disabled toilet was available)

Bah, just have toilets for people tbh, saves an awful lot of fuss ;) it’s only really the men’s ‘trough’ that needs to be gender specific if you ask me! :P

flowergrrl77 · 01/07/2018 19:56

@Squooz, you can have a radar key!! Pop to your local council office with evidence and they’ll sell you one :)

They cost a fiver iirc

manicmij · 01/07/2018 20:23

One way you were NBU. A 6 year old in a shop setting would be no problem in the ladies. Indeed, I have seen a male take a female child, say about 5/6 years into a male toilet. How else would adults deal with a young child needing to go to the toilet. YWU in the way you spoke to the person, I would have suggested the child who asked why your son was in the ladies should be informed that he was only it was normal for a young child to be escorted by an adult, and did she think you should go into the mens with your son. Idiot family by the sounds of it.

moreginrequired · 01/07/2018 20:49

Ffs, only on mumsnet would you be deemed unreasonable! I flipping despair for the future,

Vicky1990 · 01/07/2018 20:52

I do hope your son wasn't upset by that woman's sexist rant.
You was not unreasonable in the way you responded, she was probably a feminist.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 01/07/2018 21:14

she was probably a feminist

No. Feminists fight for equal rights. They are the reason woman won the right to vote. Have equal education. Work in fields they were not suppose to. Politics etc.

Feminists do not get pissed off at 6 year old boys in the changing room!

kentparent · 01/07/2018 21:16

I would have responded in the same way. She was pathetic.

Icanttakemuchmore · 01/07/2018 21:25

For what she said to you I'd have said a few choice words to her too!

Gildedcage · 01/07/2018 21:37

I’m shocked actually that anyone said anything to you about him being there. Over the years I have taken my brother and son with me to the toilet and never had any problem. It was always something that’s been accepted. I do remember asking my own dm when I was a youngster and she just explained to me in simple terms no problem.

I’m more shocked at the number of people who are happy sending their children to public facilities on their own at relatively young ages. I would never send my ds or dd alone at 6. I’m amazed that anyone would do this. And certainly I still feel uncomfortable letting my son go alone at 10 but of course he doesn’t want to come with me now. Genuinely in a large city environment I would be trying to find a family room unfortunately these are not common in small towns.

I have had two children locked in toilets over the years if I hadn’t been with them how long do you think it would be before it was noticed?! OP you weren’t unreasonable to take him with you, chalk it down to experience and you’ll know what to say next time, although I’d truely be amazed at anyone saying anything again.