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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MUST WEAR BLACK

276 replies

Hamandcheesebaguette · 30/06/2018 12:38

AIBU?

Hen Party tonight... not even a close friend, one of my friends sisters.

We absolutely must wear all black. Completely black. Not black with a pattern or embellishments or a bloody red stripe. Completely black.

She will "obviously" be wearing white.

She has reminded everyone 7 times this week that we MUST ONLY WEAR BLACK.

AIBU to not go. I don't have any plain black dresses, I could wear jeans and a black top but then I'll look like a flumpy flumperson and I actually think it's completely ridiculous.

Even my gorgeous heels that are black with silver stars on them are not permissible.

AIBU?!?!?!?

OP posts:
Ohfuckinghellwhatnow · 02/07/2018 13:00

Thankfully I've never been to a hen night, my mates were either married when I met them or chose to be foot-loose!!

If you're not bothered about going, just don't go! Why be miserable, and hot at the whim of another. And another thing that pees me off about Hen Do's is the ones who expect everyone to pay out hundreds of pounds for a week/weekend away etc. WTF?

adoggymama · 02/07/2018 13:09

Wear what you like. Just have some black on, it's a hen party, not a religious ceremony for Christ's sake!

CaptainBrickbeard · 02/07/2018 13:13

I don’t have a plain black dress. I’m thankful I’ve been to very few funerals: the last one was five ears ago and I was heavily pregnant so had to buy a maternity black dress. Prior to that I’d been to funerals specifying ‘no black’ as well. And i would hate to go to a hen party in a funeral dress if I had one anyway! I’d also hate to think people turned up to one of my celebrations in their funeral outfits as well. Wouldn’t you feel it a little unlucky if you threw a party to mark your new chapter in life and everyone there was dressed for death??

My main objection is that this ‘tradition’ is solely for instagram. It’s about the bride looking special amidst a crowd of extras. It’s videos to show how much FUN!! they are having but everyone had to repeat the moves three times to get in synchrony and so the video is as fake as all their smiles.

I love photographs to look back on the special times in my life, but some of the best times I’ve had were when we were too busy having fun to stop and record it and my best photos are the unposed, unprepared ones which capture the real moment. We might be at unflattering angles, bad lighting, double chins or laughing so much our faces are screwed up and our eyes are scrunched closed. Half the people in shot aren’t looking at the camera. Mascara was smudged, eyes were glowing red in the camera flash, the photographer’s finger cut out the top corner. Real life - genuine good times or important times. Not trying to coordinate your friends to fit some celebrity vision you have of yourself to post up a record of a night that didn’t happen the way it looks on social media, rehearsed, pre-practised and false in every respect.

I love a super-flattering picture of me somewhere special, but I shy away from posting things that are so far removed from who I am and what I was doing. I don’t want my true, imperfect memories of genuine experiences to be erased and replaced with choreographed, sterile perfection. Are brides who issue these detailed diktats really enjoying it? When they look back at the photos do they feel a warm glow of how much fun it was or just the satisfaction of how fancy it looked and how many acquaintances and strangers ‘liked’ it?

SimonBridges · 02/07/2018 13:13

Are you really meant to keep a black dress in just in case of a funeral?

TulipTilers · 02/07/2018 13:15

Is she dictating the permitted clothing colours for the wedding too

Most people I know of at least pick a colour theme... Would be nice if people could go for that colour area but not dictated at.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 02/07/2018 13:46

That’s the second poster now to castigate the op for not having a little black dress secreted away in case of funerals Grin
Some people...

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 02/07/2018 13:48

Most people pick a colour theme for the guests, Tulip??
They don’t. They really don’t. You just know some proper loons.

GorgonLondon · 02/07/2018 14:15

I’d also hate to think people turned up to one of my celebrations in their funeral outfits as well. Wouldn’t you feel it a little unlucky if you threw a party to mark your new chapter in life and everyone there was dressed for death??

Well, if you ask everyone to wear all black, i would expect them to be wearing their funeral outfits.

SimonBridges
Are you really meant to keep a black dress in just in case of a funeral?

I don't have my black dresses ONLY for funerals. I wear them for other things too. But if you don't have anything black at all except for 'jeans and a frumpy top' as the oP described, what would you wear to a funeral?

Trinity66 · 02/07/2018 14:18

Bit OTT on the black theme, my SILs hen had the same theme but it was more, if you have something black/blackish wear that

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 02/07/2018 14:20

Wouldn’t most people nip out to buy something / borrow something when they hear of an impending funeral?
If you’re in your nineties and your mates are dropping like flies, sure...
But no relatively young person deliberately buys and stores a funeral outfit. That’s just weird.

rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 14:20

Having a theme or printed tee shirts etc has been around a while, see Gavin and Stacey for example.
But still only 10 - 15 years or so. Hardly a tradition.

Well, whatever you want to call it, it's extremely common. The last hen party I went to I ended up dressed like a lemur. OP, count your blessings Grin

Most hen parties have some kind of theme. If it's important to the bride either try and stick to it or don't go. I think it's strange how people try and grasp at straws at it not really being a tradition or the bride won't really be able to enjoy it if everyone sticks to what is required to them, as a way to justify going but not doing what they've been asked. If it was that much hassle for me I just wouldn't go.

tccat · 02/07/2018 14:25

I would have been delighted, my entire wardrobe is black, like my soul

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 02/07/2018 14:25

Why was having everyone dressed as lemurs important to your friend?

Sounds ridiculously “look how wacky and fun I am!”
Tedious.

Trinity66 · 02/07/2018 14:29

I would have been delighted, my entire wardrobe is black, like my soul

Grin
GorgonLondon · 02/07/2018 14:34

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar
Wouldn’t most people nip out to buy something / borrow something when they hear of an impending funeral? If you’re in your nineties and your mates are dropping like flies, sure...But no relatively young person deliberately buys and stores a funeral outfit. That’s just weird.

As I said above, I wear black dresses for other occasions too, but your comment speaks of a very lucky and insular life that you lead. I've been to at least five funerals and a similar number of stone settings in the past year.

Some of those people who died were also 'relatively young' and some were elderly - what difference does that make? Elderly people who die have young people at their funerals, you know?

Plus which most funerals I go to are for Jewish people so the funeral is within 24 hours of them dying. Not necessarily any time to start dress shopping along with making arrangements to attend.

I find it much more 'weird' that someone would not own a single black dress or even a black top and skirt.

MidnightAura · 02/07/2018 14:37

I know a bride that did this recently. Must wear black said the invite. Bride of course turned up in white. Cue lots of staged photos st the airport, on the plane, off the plane, at the hotel etc with the bride in the centre every time and the poor hens having to pose for each photo and stand in a certain order.

Never, ever again.

ChiefClerkDrumknott · 02/07/2018 14:47

But no relatively young person deliberately buys and stores a funeral outfit. That’s just weird.

I’m 36 and have a specific funeral outfit, bought for a funeral 2 1/2 years ago. It’s a good quality top & trousers and I only wear them to funerals. Sadly I’ve had more occasions than I anticipated since buying them. They get washed and put back in the wardrobe after every funeral, the last time being 3 weeks ago to the funeral of a relatively young friend. I thought I was being sensible, but then I’m not sure if I’m relatively young either Shock

OP, this hen do sounds awful, but you’ve learnt your lesson now. Never accept an invite to a themed hen do! Grin

TulipTilers · 02/07/2018 14:48

Most people pick a colour theme for the guests, Tulip??
They don’t. They really don’t. You just know some proper loons.*

Well, the bridesmaids are guests but they usually have matching colours.

They just have a colour scheme and I wouldn't personally turn up in the opposite colour to what they have their wedding themes around. It would look a bit out of place imo to turn up to a purple and white wedding wearing bright red tbh, that kinda thing. Not saying it has to be the exact shade, but if everyone's wearing totally different colours then it doesn't look as coordinated etc.

Obviously money and size of wedding are important factors and I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, I just think it's a nice thing to do.

BluthsFrozenBananas · 02/07/2018 14:52

My funeral dress is medium grey not black. I wear it with a black cardigan and black tights.

rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 14:53

Why was having everyone dressed as lemurs important to your friend?

It was my sister. She loves animals and it was a themed thing, we all wore the hoodies/jackets she gave us and then tails/ears.

Funnily enough we all ended up wearing black too, the jackets were black with our names printed in white and we had to wear leggings for one of the activities, which you don't often have in other colours.

The ears weren't hugely important, it was more the day and spending time with each other, but it would have been a bit sour and self-important to refuse to wear them. We didn't even have to pay/contribute, my sister bought the animal accessories (and the jackets). Even though I don't like animals all that much, and don't like physical activity much more, it was actually a great time.

CaptainBrickbeard · 02/07/2018 15:07

Tulip isn’t the colour scheme supposed to identify who is in the bridal party? I thought it would be bad manners for guests to deliberately tone in with the colour scheme? I mean, it’s a faux pas to turn up dressed like a bridesmaid if you aren’t one, surely?

I’d hate to see my wedding photos with everyone coordinating. It would look stilted and forced and unnatural. I love seeing people’s outfits on special occasions, I don’t want them muted and blending in.

I’d be more than happy to wear lemur ears to a hen do. Far better than a funeral dress, if I had one!

rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 15:12

I’d hate to see my wedding photos with everyone coordinating. It would look stilted and forced and unnatural. I love seeing people’s outfits on special occasions, I don’t want them muted and blending in.

I've seen people specify for pastel or autumn colours etc., I've never been told on an invite to wear a specific set of colours, though I know people do it.

I think it depends on how rigorously the rules are enforced, and how strict they are. I remember the pastel outfits being lovely.

I’d be more than happy to wear lemur ears to a hen do.

I think I was a lemur, my sister was a baboon (complete with red-bottomed leggings), and there was a tiger, a pig and a deer. Somewhat random animals, but we went to a zoo and saw all of them there, so it kind of made sense Grin

Wasn't our most dignified, but it probably was the most fun of all the hen dos I'd been to! We did have the jackets and everything, and there was structured activity throughout the day, but it didn't feel too forced and we were all quite close too, which I think definitely helps.

TulipTilers · 02/07/2018 15:26

I've seen people specify for pastel or autumn colours etc., I've never been told on an invite to wear a specific set of colours, though I know people do it.

This is sort of what I mean. So bridesmaids are all on one shade/matching sort of thing, guests have a general scheme - pastels/autums/jewel/ocean/sunshine colours etc. I think it's a nice idea personally but wouldn't be upset if someone couldn't do it.

Ennirem · 02/07/2018 15:33

Oh come on though it's her flipping hen do. You don't have to wear a plastic penis on your head, just whack on something black and be gracious. Clearly it matters to her, presuming she matters to you why not smile indulgently - doesn't cost you anything!

SoupDragon · 02/07/2018 15:38

just whack on something black and be gracious

She did. On Saturday.