Weddings... About my brothers new GF?

[littleemma1]

So I’m getting married next Saturday (7th) 😬 and my Mum told my brother, without asking me first, that he could invite his new girlfriend to the wedding.
Now technically her coming isn’t a problem, it would be lovely to meet her, it’s the logistics.
She lives 25 miles away from where I live/where the wedding is taking place and she has no form of own transport to get to the wedding without my brother picking her up. This would be fine, however, he is an usher so has quite an important part and needs to be here early.
What’s been suggested to get around this is that he picks her up early and she then comes to mine with her little girl (not his, obviously, that’s not a problem though, different thread for that but he’s commendable!) and sits with us whilst I get ready and then walks to the wedding (it’s not far, 5 mins on foot)

I really don’t want this! I have never met her as they’ve only been together about 6 weeks and I just feel it would be strange having someone I don’t know watch me getting ready for my wedding!! To me this is something intimate and should be shared with only the bridal party.

AIBU about this?!

Could she stay in a hotel or B&B with her little girl the night before,somewhere close to where the wedding is being held?

You've said she's welcome to stay at yours the night of the wedding so she'd only have to pay for 1 night,premier inn's are really good if there's one local.

I remember being invited to the wedding of my boyfriend of 3 months DB. It was made clear I would have to look after myself in terms of travel (200 miles) and accommodation and during the day as BF had usher responsibilities - I declined. I also perfectly understood their position. I think it is absolutely the right thing for the gf to decline this time. It would also be really boring with the only person she knows busy.

Actually the killer for me was BF and I were back at uni the next day at it was also made clear that they couldn’t give me a lift to uni (a very convoluted journey by public transport) as the car would be full of bf stuff for uni. Needless to say we parted a few weeks later.

You've been more than reasonable. A 20 yr old should be able to sort herself out it's unfair how much thought you've put in to this already. Please don't feel awkward or guilty today. Have a lovely wedding day.

Well I wouldn’t say anything to his girlfriend. I would possibly to your brother. Is she bringing her daughter today?
I would put it down to her age in trying to rush the settled family scenario. If she hasn’t got family support a lovely boyfriend f is probably feeling bloody lovely right now. Be kind but look out for your db.

I dont think you are being unreasonable. After all she is a stranger to you. I would talk to hubby to be and your brother and suggest maybe her getting a coach or public transport down? Or organise for her to meet you afterwards at the celebration. A wedding, on the wedding day is not a place to meet a new girlfriend... in my opinion!

However, if that isn't how it ends up going down. Good luck, and I hope the wedding is smooth and you'll look beautiful no matter WHO is there on your special day xx

Ive read the thread and one question comes to mind and i know GF isnt attending now but I had the question written so I will put it out there anyhow? Just a thought

whats going to happen with the child if was attending the wedding so allowing for child being born when mother was 16, so child being born then she would now be 7.

So excited child for wedding, possibly allowed fizzy drinks as a treat, all strange people, potentially a late night as all the parents will know can lead to a tired cranky child. Who if younger may need to lie down somewhere esp for a sleep, (where?) may need changing facilities.

The GF may not want to carry a bag with all those bits needed for all this to the venue and going from the home of the bride,

Im guessing the main way to get to the ceremony would prob be hitch a lift in bridal cars (so a treat trip in a fancy car esp for child maybe sent along on their own ahead could have been in DBs head, so car could double back for actual bridal party). This could mean child has had a treat trip in fancy car and he could come out it looking like the hero.

Im irish so common for weddings to run to the early hours.

Now for DB and GF back to brides house for overnight (Congrats on upcoming wedding btw) this potentially tired but wired child in a strange house while Im guessing DB and GF retire to a bed not in same room. Chance to explore, play dress up with your clothes etc

If GF has been happy for DB to meet child in new relationship of less than 6 weeks, there is a possibility in my mind at least that child needs will not be met as the evening goes on.

DB will spend the evening entertaining his GF and not actually mixing with extended family and friends and encouraging socializing between both sides as an usher would be seen as one of the main party and easily identifyable so easy to start a chat with, it helps mix both sides of family / friends / colleagues whoever.

Can you tell Im spectical? But i think thats valid here

YADNBU

You must be so excited by your wedding but do not mention your wedding at this lunch. If anyone else does just smile and change subject just in case she is type of person to manipulate/guilt trip.

You're right OP it's not your place to say anything about her child meeting your brother so soon. That horse has already bolted. It was up to her mum, her dad if he's on the scene, and your brother and they've obviously decided it's fine.

And if the girlfriend is also happy to introduce her child to her new boyfriend's extended family you can't really say anything about that either.

It would only cause trouble if you spoke up now and you can't change what's already happened.

It's just another thing that seems too much too soon in this situation, and you've already spoken up about the bit that you can have a say in, which is her hanging about at your house for hours before your wedding.

That's fair enough and they can't really argue about that. As for meeting her today, there's a difference between meeting someone and knowing someone well enough to want them in your house while you get ready for a wedding.

As it turns out she is a lovely girl and her dd is so cute. I still have my reservations about her intentions with my brother but I know we have to step back and let whatever will happen, happen.

We actually talked about the wedding openly, she was asking questions and getting involved.
She has asked a friend for a lift over but if that’s not possible then she understands the situation and is fine not attending!

@littleemma1 I think you have played this perfectly. Lovely that you all got along and she was interested too.

Ah that’s a lovely outcome op! Well done you for being open minded when meeting them. It’s so important to make an effort with brother’s gfs I think, if you possibly can and within reason. I always say that the quickest way to lose touch with a sibling / grown up child is to be overly critical of their partners.

Obviously, some partners aren’t very nice, but being unfriendly just because you don’t like having a new woman is around is bloody silly. Not that I think that’s how your being; just remembering how my sil treated me. It’s made me very wary of her and her husband too tbh. I have as little to do with them as possible. Dh sees them on his own or with dcs.

Wonderful outcome, OP - and what a surprise that she does have someone to ask after all

You’re*

Great outcome. 😊

Hope the wedding went well!

It was AMAZING. Very rough today but what a day!!!
In the end she made it with the little girl, she didn’t impose on any family photographs and we all had such a fantastic day and dancing the night away together xxx

Congratulations!! All the very best for you both, and to your family
👰🏼 🤵

Wonderful!!!! Congratulations!

This actually makes me wonder if all the stuff about lifts, etc, was coming from the brother, and not actually the GF.

Glad you had a good day, OP!

The girlfriend is not your responsibility, particularly on your wedding day of all days!

She's a grown up, so let her figure it out. And focus on enjoying your big day - congrats!

Oops, didn't read the whole thread. Glad it all went well!

oh what a great outcome!

Get her to go to venue early with toys and books for child

clarehhh you might want to rtft

Not being unreasonable at all. The others are right- your brother is the idiot here, the gf might not even want to come and he’s probably the one pushing it. Just say she can’t watch you get ready and let them sort it themselves...
Years ago my then bf of five years at the time ( now dh) was a groomsmen at a wedding. I was invited as well.

The wedding was a destination wedding, literally in the middle of nowhere in the countryside of a place with no buses not really any taxis etc. The bride demanded my bf drive her bridal party around in his rental car and said there would be no room for me. This would be ok if I knew anybody else there to try and beg for a car ride from, but I didn’t!
At dinner, Bridesmaids +partners and groomsmen sat with her and the groom. Partners of grooms men were chucked to random tables at the back. Again, not very fun as me and the other gf only knew each other , the couple and each other’s bfs ( me and her were also seated seperate to each other). Considering how much hassle it was to reach the wedding and being made to feel like a spare tyre I think I’d rather have not gone.