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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weddings... About my brothers new GF?

200 replies

littleemma1 · 29/06/2018 14:13

So I’m getting married next Saturday (7th) 😬 and my Mum told my brother, without asking me first, that he could invite his new girlfriend to the wedding.
Now technically her coming isn’t a problem, it would be lovely to meet her, it’s the logistics.
She lives 25 miles away from where I live/where the wedding is taking place and she has no form of own transport to get to the wedding without my brother picking her up. This would be fine, however, he is an usher so has quite an important part and needs to be here early.
What’s been suggested to get around this is that he picks her up early and she then comes to mine with her little girl (not his, obviously, that’s not a problem though, different thread for that but he’s commendable!) and sits with us whilst I get ready and then walks to the wedding (it’s not far, 5 mins on foot)

I really don’t want this! I have never met her as they’ve only been together about 6 weeks and I just feel it would be strange having someone I don’t know watch me getting ready for my wedding!! To me this is something intimate and should be shared with only the bridal party.

AIBU about this?!

OP posts:
BackforGood · 29/06/2018 15:30

Well no, but I think a 23 yr old would be able to grasp that he is committed to being here at X o'clock and there at Y o'clock and that he has already committed to ....{ insert whatever job, such as going to collect the buttonholes, or getting the orders of service to the Church or whatever}...... so anything new he now wants to do on the day would have to work around what he has already promised to do

Original poster
littleemma1 · 29/06/2018 15:33

I need to also add the myself and (by then!) DH are staying in a hotel on the wedding night so I’ve offered my house to them so she doesn’t have to try and get home! She just needs to get herself there.

OP posts:
Bobbydeniro69 · 29/06/2018 15:37

Do you know if she actually wants to come to the wedding or not? sorry if it's in the thread somewhere, I've tried to read through it.

If I were her I would feel very uncomfortable and would like to meet my other halves family on a less momentous occasion.

I bet she felt like she couldn't say no., and may be quite relived if you found the time to get in touch with her to say she doesn't have to attend , and that you will meet up with her at some stage and have a good chat. Maybe over some wedding photos so you can show her who is who?

Your mum has messed up, even if she meant well, but you can sort this I think.

HollowTalk · 29/06/2018 15:37

You're mad offering her your house. As soon as you get back from the hotel you'll be changing sheets etc.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/06/2018 15:38

I think a 23 yr old would be able to grasp that ... anything new he now wants to do on the day would have to work around what he has already promised to do

You'd think so wouldn't you? But then that doesn't really chime with OP's description of DB acting as if she's been "mean and unreasonable"

IME the only thing to do with people like this is put the problem they've created straight back on them, while making contingency plans for yourself

Isleepinahedgefund · 29/06/2018 15:38

6 whole weeks?????

Honestly just tell your mum to sort it out, she’s not coming to your house and that’s that. Ideally tell her to uninvite the GF (does she even get GF title after 6weeks?!) don’t start thinking up plans and alternatives etc.

You wait, when you say something they’ll start going on about how excited the little girl is. I’ll bet money on it.

This wins the Mumsnet Wedding CF award as far as I’m concerned!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/06/2018 15:45

I’ve offered my house to them so she doesn’t have to try and get home!

Eh?? Why your house? You said DB still lives at home with your DM, so what's wrong with them staying there?

I've got a notoriously "open house" attitude, but there's no way some random GF and her child would be staying at mine, poking about among the wedding gifts and god knows what else Hmm

firsttimenerves · 29/06/2018 15:46

I can't believe how accommodating you are being about the GF and her DD even being at the wedding! The fact that you are not throwing a fit about your DM inviting a stranger and their child to your wedding (and all that it comes with - DB being distracted from his duties, awkwardness about family pics etc) says that you are the least 'Bridezilla' bride possible!

If you are not willing to say to DM and DB that you don't want her at your wedding at all (which is what I would have done!), then you need to put your foot down and tell them that under no circumstances is she to be there whilst you're getting ready. You don't need to explain yourself, or sort out a taxi for her. If all else fails, print this thread and show it to them, they are bang out of order.

starryeyed19 · 29/06/2018 15:46

My boyfriend and I had been together for about five months, I think, when his sister got married. I didn't go to the wedding and wasn't expecting to. We didn't want the first time everyone met me to be at someone else's wedding plus the entire family would be there, which is slightly terrifying. Kind of surprised she wants to go

BrendasUmbrella · 29/06/2018 15:47

Is there time to get a replacement usher?

Justmuddlingalong · 29/06/2018 15:51

Now I'm visualising GF's DD arriving in full on flower girl outfit.

hammeringinmyhead · 29/06/2018 15:52

Oooh no. Your wedding is the time that you should be priority, none of this simpering mum trying to keep everyone happy and be diplomatic bollocks. Mum, brother or the woman herself pays for a taxi. Pre-book it.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/06/2018 15:59

Come to think of it, you said the wedding was at 4pm so is there some kind of evening do?

If so, why not suggest DB drives to collect her just for the evening? He wouldn't be needed that much then, a 50 mile round trip shouldn't take more than 1 - 1.5 hours and it means she'd be included at a suitable time and without the angst of being around for the actual wedding

Isleepinahedgefund · 29/06/2018 16:00

Ooh yes I can see them turning up with the kid all flower girled up and weedling her into proceedings

Mumtobeluc · 29/06/2018 16:01

Haha no way would I be so nice. Not fair to put that on you or not ask. You haven't even met her or her kid you don't need to be feeling awkard on your special day or worrying how to accommodate them.

squeaver · 29/06/2018 16:03

Randoms at weddings are such a weird thing. When my sister got married, her bridesmaid was my then 18 yo niece. Niece brought her boyfriend who then appeared in every single family photograph - he just walked into the line-up for all of them!

Needless to say, she dumped him a few weeks later.

So, yanbu, op. Keep your cool and keep repeating: this is not what I want on my wedding day. Then leave it to those who've caused it to sort out.

It says quite a lot about the gf that she's a) not bothered about spending three hours with people she doesn't know on such an important day b) not embarrassed about the problems she's causing c) not trying to think of a solution herself.

daffodillament · 29/06/2018 16:04

Why is this even an issue? Can't she just make her own way there ? 25 miles isn't even that far ! Bizarre !

Thatssomebadhatharry · 29/06/2018 16:06

Op you offered your house and not the bridal suite. How very bridezilla. Me me me. 😉

You have been MORE than fair. Six weeks ffs. I was invited to my now dh brothers wedding and wed be going out a few months but would be over a year by the time of wedding. Was a bit shocked tbh as didnt expect to go. They were gambling on us being together still.

Have a wonderful day.

TheQueef · 29/06/2018 16:06

I'm picturing Cheryl (The Royle Family) Sat staring over your shoulder in the vanity mirror.

Grin
QueenOfMyWorld · 29/06/2018 16:08

Yanbu .congratulations my wedding anniversary is the 7th

littlepooch · 29/06/2018 16:10

My DH was an usher quite early on in our relationship for a friend of his. I was very kindly invited. On the day i went to the venue with him and just waited discretely in the cafe, grounds etc while he got ready with the others, had photos etc. I would not have dreamed of waiting with the bride while she was getting ready! Months after she apologised and said how sorry she was that it hadnt ever occurred to her what i would do in those hours. But i was fine with it and understood.

Why cant she get a lift with someone like her dad or a taxi or just wait at the venue with a book or something?
Or dont come? I think youre being very nice - im not sure i would have even been happy about her being invited in the first place.

eddielizzard · 29/06/2018 16:13

yanbu. i def wouldn't want a stranger to sit with me while i got ready for my wedding. how bizarre. i'd be all on edge. nope. she's got to find her own way there. you don't know her - yet! it's too early for this.

Imsosceptical · 29/06/2018 16:18

I’m thinking it actually means a lot to your brother to have her there, but I also understand your dilemma, is there any other relative or friend whom he could drop her off at prior to the wedding who is willing to take charge and get her to the venue, it seems that after the ceremony all will be good, you’ve offered your house to them.... it’s a happy day, you’re getting married, bro is loved up, just find someone she can be dropped off with other than you and after that everyone’s happy xxxx

Littlelambpeep · 29/06/2018 16:19

Your mum or brother actually needs to offer to pay the taxi (though if I were the girl I would be so embarrassed )

Imsosceptical · 29/06/2018 16:26

I need to add, I just don’t understand all the uptight posts like a wedding is a military operation.... I know as I prepared to get married I was so happy and excited and I simply would not have cared about a stranger being there, if it was someone important to a member of my family then that’s good enough for me. It was a happy and relaxed occasion, a beautiful day that unfolded rather than being planned down to the most finite detail like a military drill, everyone was relaxed and happy for us and many strangers were at our wedding because we both invited many people each other hadn’t met before and it was a magical day xxxx