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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weddings... About my brothers new GF?

200 replies

littleemma1 · 29/06/2018 14:13

So I’m getting married next Saturday (7th) 😬 and my Mum told my brother, without asking me first, that he could invite his new girlfriend to the wedding.
Now technically her coming isn’t a problem, it would be lovely to meet her, it’s the logistics.
She lives 25 miles away from where I live/where the wedding is taking place and she has no form of own transport to get to the wedding without my brother picking her up. This would be fine, however, he is an usher so has quite an important part and needs to be here early.
What’s been suggested to get around this is that he picks her up early and she then comes to mine with her little girl (not his, obviously, that’s not a problem though, different thread for that but he’s commendable!) and sits with us whilst I get ready and then walks to the wedding (it’s not far, 5 mins on foot)

I really don’t want this! I have never met her as they’ve only been together about 6 weeks and I just feel it would be strange having someone I don’t know watch me getting ready for my wedding!! To me this is something intimate and should be shared with only the bridal party.

AIBU about this?!

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/06/2018 17:35

he said she’s a young single parent with no help from parents or friends

IME they very often are, while there's a chance of putting the problem onto someone else. But faced with an outright "no" - and providing it's something they actually want to do - it's surprising how often solutions magically appear

Personally I wouldn't get too far involved; DB and DM have made this mess between them so it's for them to sort it out

BackforGood · 29/06/2018 17:36

What Puzzled said

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 29/06/2018 17:44

I wouldn’t put yourself out coming up with solutions. None of this is your doing and it’s your day. You’re perfectly entitled to spend it getting ready with people you actually know.

I’d bypass your brother and just say to your mum to sort it. She made this mess. She can sort it out.

CowesTwo · 29/06/2018 18:13

I'm another one asking - why are they staying at your house and not his own (your mum's) house? She absolutely, 100%, must make her own arrangements to get to the wedding. She absolutely, 100%, is not to be invited in to 'watch' you getting ready. Ludicrous. Your DB is in the grip of the early stages of the relationship and can't think clearly. Your mother, however, SHOULD have thought a bit more deeply about the ramifications before inviting A STRANGER to YOUR wedding! (Sorry, for all the caps, I am annoyed on your behalf).

Jaxhog · 29/06/2018 18:53

I think you need to say no, she can't come unless she makes her own arrangements, and that all other arrangements stay as they are. And then bow out.

Your DM and DB should be ashamed that they're potentially spoiling your day like this.Already you're having to have discussions and distractions from what should be your special day. It's totally unreasonable.

eloisesparkle · 29/06/2018 18:57

She gets a taxi ( and pays for it herself)
Or
She waits at the church or in a pub or cafe.

I'd be mad with my mother too if she did that to me Smile

SilverLiningSomewhere · 29/06/2018 19:11

Where is ure brother when u are getting ready?

Every time dh has been an usher I have gone early with him to the pub, he picks out someone for me to sit with whilst he goes and does his usher bits and I try and be as nice as possible!

You anbu for not wanting someone you have never met before at your house whilst you are getting ready for your wedding.

icelollycraving · 29/06/2018 19:12

When you say you are getting ready with your mum and your bridesmaids, are you having four? Wink
You sound wonderfully accommodating in terms of the reception. Lots of people wouldn’t be accepting a couple of extra guests.
This woman seems to be lining up your brother as a daddy pretty soon. Any chance he will propose at your wedding?Grin

PlaymobilPirate · 29/06/2018 19:18

Tell her to get a bus. She's got till 4pm!!

Wifeincognito · 29/06/2018 19:23

You aren't being unreasonable at all. To be honest the cost of the cab shouldn't be your problem. If she wants to come she can find her own way there that shouldn't be your problem or something you should be stressing about before YOUR big day. Don't feel bad

MrsHarveySpecterV · 29/06/2018 19:29

YANBU! BIL had a new girlfriend (3 or 4 months together) when we got married. BIL, GF and MIL we're livid that we only invited her to the night of our wedding and tried to get us to
invite her to the day too. We didn't give in and although they're still together I don't regret it because we had a very small ceremony with immediate family and close friends who we had known for a long time.
I agree with PP, don't offer suggestions just say that you don't want them at your house before the ceremony and leave them to sort it out. I think you're being more than generous to let a stranger come to your wedding!

greenlanes · 29/06/2018 19:40

Families can be extraordinarily thick skinned when it comes to weddings. I got married during a petrol strike. We seriously had people cancel at very short notice due to not having enough petrol. Whereas others had been saving their fuel for weeks!

But the very worst culprit was my dad who asked me why I would not go and collect a guest from the local train station on the morning of the wedding. I explained that I would be getting myself ready and got called selfish. Did he in all reality expect me to drive in my wedding dress!

OP you sound thoughtful. Do what suits you and soon to be H!

Original poster
littleemma1 · 29/06/2018 20:05

Well I’ve called my brother and told him that I’m perfectly happy for his GF and her DD to attend the wedding and stay over at mine after on the condition that he absolutely does not shirk his responsibilities, she has to find her own way there or she does not attend at all. Think he understands now!

Also spoken with DM and told her how very angry I am with her for opening her big gob without thinking, we’re friends now! (Don’t have a choice as she’s giving me away!)

(to pp it’s been agreed for months that DM & DB would stay at mine to save a taxi home, and immediate family, bridal/groom party are all going for a big breakfast together the next morning which we couldn’t do if they went home)

OP posts:
Oopsmeagain · 30/06/2018 11:38

Glad they seem to have got the message OP.

LML83 · 30/06/2018 11:51

Well done op. Glad it's sorted.

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 30/06/2018 12:38

I was remembering my sil’s wedding and how fucking frosty and unwelcoming she was about it. She really went out of her way to make sure I knew I wasn’t part of “her”big day and wasn’t really welcome. Dh didn’t help as he was buzzing around the wedding doing usher stuff and I felt like a giant twat. I’m actually still a bit upset about it and it was years and years ago. So I was reading your op thinking of saying ywbu. But then I saw that they’ve only been together 6 weeks Confused. That’s batshit. Why would she want to intrude on your wedding day when you’ve never even met. Her bringing her dd is very Hmm to me too.

Yanbu.

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 30/06/2018 12:42

PS: I’d been with my dh for years by the time sil got married. I was also staying with my now in laws for the wedding and was told to leave the house so sil could get ready without me being there.

FaveNumberIs2 · 30/06/2018 17:34

Why doesn’t she come the night before, stop in the nearest travel lodge/hotel/b&b and maker her own way to the do? Will be a nice little outing for her child, and no ones needs stress about the logistics.

MycatiscalkedElvis · 30/06/2018 17:37

Omg! Are you me?? The exact same thing happened to me with my sil. Unfortunately her brother ( my ex ) thought I was being a drama queen and could not see his sis for the bitch that she was! I feel for you x

AnnabelC · 30/06/2018 17:54

What about one of her relatives dropping her off at the guest arrival time? If it was my daughter and granddaughter I would take her in a heartbeat and collect her.

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 30/06/2018 18:08

Do you mean me Elvis? Yep, sounds quite similar. It’s just one of many times I’ve been frozen out by dh’s sister . DH will not admit there’s a problem and insists it’s just different manners / social habits Hmm. I don’t bother seeing my in-laws very much, other than pils, who I speak to out of respect.

MycatiscalkedElvis · 30/06/2018 18:24

Yes Rhubarb... sorry I’m new to MN so should’ve PM you... Good for you for being so strong x

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 30/06/2018 18:30

I would definitely have a word with the photographer about managing the photograph line up. So have some with just you, dh, dm & db, then another with her and child in it. That way you aren't erasing her completely but if when they split up she isn't in all of them. You could do the same on dh's side too so it is fair.

cherish123 · 30/06/2018 19:03

Could she hire a car? If your bro has to pick her up could she not go to a cafe or a park or museum. Just be honest- say it's too stressful to have her hanging around. If she's an adult, presumably she could entertain herself for a few hours.

pollymere · 30/06/2018 22:16

Deep breath and say that they can wait with him instead as everything will be too crazy at yours. That's what coffee shops are for! Then they can go to the venue with him and sit whilst he acts as usher.