How upset is ok for nursery before enough is enough?

[Babysharkdoodoodoooooo]

So AIBU to think its time to say nursery isn't working..? Please be gentle- posted here for more traffic. It may seem trivial but it's caused a huge dispute between DH & I so I need some opinions before I make things worse by continuing arguing my opinion (if I'm wrong!)

Backstory, 13 month old baby has been signed up for nursery as it was the best we looked around and seemed to have nice staff. He's been for several "trial days". The first 2 were for half an hour & he seemed ok. On coming back, he was sat on the lap of one of the nursery staff playing. The third time, when I arrived, he was asleep but gasping how he does when he has gone to sleep crying (I've only ever seen him do it post vaccines previously so must have been very upset prior to falling asleep), third time DH was called to get him early because he was so upset, 4th time DH again called to collect him because he'd been crying solidly for 2 hours.

He's a very sociable baby. Has been looked after by various family members & a nanny without problems.

DH feels he will be fine & should continue going to nursery & doesn't want to pay more for a nanny. As of next week we are both back at work 2 hours from nursery so if upset, we can't get to him as we have done previously. A nanny who provided emergency childcare on a few occasions & whom he has been happy with has just had an opening & offered to take him instead but obviously as a nanny, is considerably more than nursery. DH says it is unnecessary expenditure and he just needs more time to settle. I'm not sure when enough is enough. For reference, he will be at nursery 3 days a week for 12 hours a day although thus far 2 hours is the maximum that's gone by before one of us has been called.

Am I being unreasonable? Does he just need more time to settle in at nursery? The staff say when he's gone, he just lies on the floor crying but when he is with anyone else, he is a highly sociable, happy baby. Friends are telling me the nanny is the right thing to do. I don't want to fight with DH but I want to do the right thing by DS. It's caused a huge fight with DH over the last few days as he is insisting DS remain at nursery & I just hate seeing him so upset.

What a it a childminder, a mix of the two? One carer to attach to but cheaper.

Has he only had 4 sessions? That isn’t very long tbh and I’d expect most to take longer than 4 sessions.

Was your DH beaten and then thrown in the cupboard under the stairs for six hours at a time as a child? Your child is far to young to have any concept of you coming back ffs. If you can afford the nanny use the nanny. What else would you be spending your money on?

It all depends if I’m honest and will depend on the child. We had a very harsh adjustment with our daughter where we were called several times to pick her up because she was screaming but she did get used to it (it didn’t help that she started nursery as she was going through a developmental leap).

I think you’ll know what’s best for your child and where he’ll be happier. You could always give it a few months and see how he gets on?

Blimey I just reread and saw you said 12 hours a day! That’s a very long day for any child.

If you want data to throw at him nursery for under 2s really isn't great. You could google up some studies to show him. Pay for the nanny for another year then try again when he's 2. Why cause such a tiny person so much distress. I'd stand firm OP.

Personally, I don’t think you can say enough is enough at this stage. He’s only had a few sessions and some babies do take longer to get used to a new setting. I think you need to give it a good couple of weeks before you decide it’s not working, especially given a nanny is a large additional expenditure.

Gosh that’s a long time away from you. He’ll get used to it but at what cost?

Look into alternatives. Being in your own home with a cater for some of the time perhaps?

Pay for the Nanny - He is only a baby for a short while. 12 hours is a long day. Yes he will settle but it may take a long time. Why would you put all of you through that if you can afford an alternative

Yes, 12 hours is a hell of a lot! My boy was 21 months when he went to nursery five hours at a time, and I thought that was a lot.

Do you really mean 12 hours? I wonder if you meant 10 as that is more standard nursery hours.

I would agree with your DH up to a point - based on my boy and anecdote, if it isn't looking better after 2 weeks or so, I would go for a nanny.

I think it's too soon to tell. I e worked in nurseries and would happily give it more time.

I'd normally say persevere because he'll likely get used to it once he's in longer days but 12 hours days three times a week is very long for an unsettled child. I also wouldn't use a nursery that we were both 2hrs away from. What are you going to do if they ever have to call you when he is sick?

You're going to get the whole 'he's too young to be in nursery at all' parade here. People don't seem to realise that a lot of families have no choice but to go back to work, or that they actually want to. Please don't listen to them.

I would say, if you can afford the nanny then you should definitely do it but if you can't, then persevere - he will get there. I'm not sure you have any alternative?

My friend's baby was the same and she came to work very upset for the first month or so, but he's been there 4 years now and he adores nursery.

I’d go for the Nanny - 2 hours away from the Nursery is too far. What if it’s an emergency and it’ll take you 2 hours to get to him?!

I'd look into a childminder. It's more of a homely setting and he can bond with one person. Nursery is not suitable for every child, they are all different. Nursery is very loud and can be overwhelming for some. For some babies it's the ideal.
Il be using a childminder full time for my 10 month old. My older child thrived at hers and bonded so well
Good luck

Ds aged 2 and 3 months went to nursery 1 day a week and cried for the first 6 times. His first session, he stood at the window waiting for us, crying, for 4 hours. The staff were so good with him though.
On his 7th week, I got a phone call from nursery to say he was painting, dancing, enjoying himself and had eaten everything put in front of him, he was like a different child.
The staff thought he might settle more quickly if he did another day but we held off and it has been great ever since.
We agreed that we would give it til Christmas (from September) luckily, he is now happy there.

Twelve hours in a nursery at thirteen months old? Because his father doesn't want to pay extra for him to be with a nanny? Jeez, poor little scrap.

He is a baby. He needs to be basically with a one to one carer basically all the time. It doesn't always have to be the same carer, but expecting him to "settle" somewhere that makes him so distressed is just mean.

Usually I would say persevere, but 12 hours! Yikes.

Nanny for a year or 18 months and then childminder?

If you can afford the nanny it’s a no brainer surely? Childcare isn’t something to scrimp on imo.

12 hours a day and you're two hours away? I think the guilt and the worry would make going back to work really difficult. He may well adapt in time, but this doesn't strike me as a good arrangement for such a little child. My older son went to nursery at about this age, and it was SO hard to leave him, but it was for half days and I was about 20 minutes away if I needed to pick him up. Even then, I still went for a child minder for my second until he was 3 and could enjoy playing with other kids.

I love nursery and my daughter has gone to hers since 11 months but under your circumstances I would say no. 12 hours is a long day anyway for a baby. My daughter loves nursery and I know she would struggle with 12 hours. I'd go with the nanny.

If you can afford it then why not go with the nanny for the next 12 months and then try nursery again.

And I don’t say that because i’m anti-nursery for babies - I used one for my DS from 8 months. But if your DS is struggling to settle and you can afford the nanny, then I would go with that option for a while

No, a nanny is much the better option if you're going to be leaving him for 12 hours at a time. In nursery, they'd have a change of staff over a 12 hour period plus so his care wouldn't be consistent. I think when he's a bit older or if you were only looking at say a 4 hour day, it would be fine but 12 hours feels like boarding school to me, not good!

I'd give up and go with the nanny.

My DS has been in nursery since he was 7 months, he's 15 months now and has only cried twice (when he was ill last week) but stopped within minutes.

If I was called repeatedly to go and collect him, I'd consider other options