How upset is ok for nursery before enough is enough?

[Babysharkdoodoodoooooo]

So AIBU to think its time to say nursery isn't working..? Please be gentle- posted here for more traffic. It may seem trivial but it's caused a huge dispute between DH & I so I need some opinions before I make things worse by continuing arguing my opinion (if I'm wrong!)

Backstory, 13 month old baby has been signed up for nursery as it was the best we looked around and seemed to have nice staff. He's been for several "trial days". The first 2 were for half an hour & he seemed ok. On coming back, he was sat on the lap of one of the nursery staff playing. The third time, when I arrived, he was asleep but gasping how he does when he has gone to sleep crying (I've only ever seen him do it post vaccines previously so must have been very upset prior to falling asleep), third time DH was called to get him early because he was so upset, 4th time DH again called to collect him because he'd been crying solidly for 2 hours.

He's a very sociable baby. Has been looked after by various family members & a nanny without problems.

DH feels he will be fine & should continue going to nursery & doesn't want to pay more for a nanny. As of next week we are both back at work 2 hours from nursery so if upset, we can't get to him as we have done previously. A nanny who provided emergency childcare on a few occasions & whom he has been happy with has just had an opening & offered to take him instead but obviously as a nanny, is considerably more than nursery. DH says it is unnecessary expenditure and he just needs more time to settle. I'm not sure when enough is enough. For reference, he will be at nursery 3 days a week for 12 hours a day although thus far 2 hours is the maximum that's gone by before one of us has been called.

Am I being unreasonable? Does he just need more time to settle in at nursery? The staff say when he's gone, he just lies on the floor crying but when he is with anyone else, he is a highly sociable, happy baby. Friends are telling me the nanny is the right thing to do. I don't want to fight with DH but I want to do the right thing by DS. It's caused a huge fight with DH over the last few days as he is insisting DS remain at nursery & I just hate seeing him so upset.

You’ve had a really hard time on here. It is quite normal for kids in nursery to have parents who commute. You’re doing a 3 day working week (dropping to 2) so I can’t believe youve had such horrid comments. That said, I have a similar length commute but my toddler does a 10 hour day rather than 12 and I think the extra hours would be hard and you’d have to accept you just wouldn’t see your baby on your working days. I did settling in and then a week of half days rather than going from 30-40 mins to full days and that worked quite well. My toddler loves her nursery workers like family and she adores it. However, I’ve no doubt a good nanny would be less stressful for you as it is hard juggling pick up and drop-off and with such a long day, your child is likely to be knackered for a while. I generally found the day at home after her 3 day run was a bit of a write-off for the first few months as she was knackered and slept a lot during the day.

The downside is nannies are generally a lot more expensive for one child than nursery and you have to trust one individual and manage sickness etc. It was something that I’ve debated a lot and for now I’ve stuck with nursery as my daughter loves it but we’ve only just made it work logistically. A nanny is something we’d definitely think about if we had to up our working days and had another child but I’d mix it up and do some nursery and some nanny as I can see the benefits of nursery.

I would not be wanting to leave him 12 hours at a time, somewhere where he is distressed and upset. Use the nanny as a last resort, but can you find a childminder or look at other nursery.

As you both work 2 hours away, could you find a nursery closer to work? That way DS wouldnt be there as long? And, although in a car, would be with his parents for longer. Would also take the pressure of you both if you were to be stuck in traffic etc and couldn't get home in time?

People just do what they need to do to get through sticky situations. They do what they think is best. Women need to stop sticking the boot into other women who are just doing their best.

I’d be willing to bet that several of the nastiest posters on this thread are in fact SAHMs who are lucky enough to have never faced this issue.

Settling aside, the biggest issue here is both his parents being 2 hours away. That's really not appropriate.

Do you have anybody nearby who could collect him in an emergency? What if he's ill, the nursery has an emergency, the parent collecting is delayed? You must be collecting him at closing time if he's there until 7, not much wiggle room for delays there.

Does he have a key worker? If it's a decent nursery they will be trying to work with you to settle him.

I'd definitely look at a childminder op, often they collect and drop off as well.

I think your dh is being incredibly selfish actually, if you can afford a nanny which would make your little boys life much happier why not just pay for it.

Look, obviously he needs to be with a nanny. 2 hours away from either parent and a 12 hour day? Nanny would be incomparably better for him. Regardless of how he settles. I would not think about savings for another child/fertility treatment, I would think about making sure the baby I had was in the best possible hands. And in these specific set of circumstances; a nanny would be infinitely superior.

@petrolpump28 I'm not going to continue with this nonsense. It's deviating from my original question and derailing the thread. He's not a tiny baby. He can name common animals at the museum/farm & enjoys the trips. He's not a newborn baby!

Please trust your gut. My ds1 would do that gasping thing when we picked him up - in his case more like an after-sob! - and the staff insisted it was normal etc. In fact he never really settled there well. We kept him there not realising he’d be better elsewhere then when ds2 came along we tried the boys at a new nursery and both were delighted and happy. So I’d try a different nursery or insist on the nanny tbh (assuming you can afford it). Point out to your dh it’s only for a few years anyway, once they start school childcare costs go down a lot.

Give over with the museum and baby group shit. The baby has not a clue and would be equally as happy with the village park once a week.

The real issue is how far away you are during the working day.

Poor you OP- this is tough.

I think either way he will be fine and don't listen to anyone trying to shame you for any decision. On balance, in your situation I would go with the nanny. I waited til 2 to put my older two into a nursery type situation. They both had a really really hard time with it which went on for several years. I look back on those days and it makes me feel sad at how upset they were. I have another baby now, and not sure what we will do this time, but I think this final time I will err on the side of 'whatever makes him happiest.' Not because I think it will do him long term harm, but because life is short, I know that I'm going to screw up one way or the other, but I'd rather screw up by being too protective/ loving than the opposite.

My DD has been with her child minder since she was 16 weeks old and back then she went three days a week. I think childminder is better as it’s like a home from home.

I would definitely pay for the nanny.

I'm not surprised your husband is focussing on the cost. I think a lot of men would in the same situation.

You will be so stressed leaving him, knowing full well what is going to happen during the day.

brownpaperbox is harsh but she has a point. I can't think it's good for an infant's emotional and mental health to be left for so long and so young. It's like Victorian times when children were just brought out briefly after dinner to be admired, and someone else did all the looking after. More value placed on stuff which is not worth it's ludicrous price tag because you MUST have a people carrier for 1 baby and you MUST have expensive handbags and holidays abroad. And your child is just another tick on the list. If you want a family move somewhere where housing in cheaper, drive an old car, carry a cheap handbag and for gods sake raise your own children properly and with due care and attention instead of just outsourcing them like everything else.

I think that in your circumstances being two hours away from your ds, a nanny would be better. What if he was ill, or there was an emergency, you could not get to him easily. God there are some cases on here, same as the thread where op left her 14 week dd once every two weeks with her loving granny, brought out the twats from the woodwork. You have to earn a living and pay the bills, but being two hours away from your ds would be a big thing.

Some people have to go back to work. Some people want to go to work so judging another mum for doing this and leaving her baby cared for is wrong on here.

My daughter at 17 months does 9 hours a day. I have to work to feed and clothe and put a roof over her head. She does so much more at childcare then I could or would ever do at home. I also don't have a garden and in the weather we have been having she has been having an amazing time in the garden ever day at childcare.

In my experience you are starting your baby at a very difficult time for them. At about a year old They go through quite a clingy and insecure phase. This has coincided with you starting nursery. I would see how it goes for a while longer yet.

Oh god jumbleJamba lots of assumptions there.

Not read whole thread sorry
If it were my DC I'd 100% take them out. In fact I did. After a few settling in sessions at a nursery when she was 10 months old. Nothing terrible happened, everything in me just screamed "no". I hated leaving her crying and to me such a young child shouldn't have to "get used to it". Plus, at the end of the day I knew I could do a better job looking after her myself. I can give one on one attention and I love her. It's been a strain financially (and emotionally at times as childcare is pretty much all on me) but worth it for us. You only get this time once and if you're not comfortable I would def please listen to your gut.
We are having to put DD with a childminder from Sept (when she'll be 18 months) for 2 days a week as our circumstances are changing. But I've found one I'm v happy with and who should be able to give DD that bit more attention/nurture. Plus she has slightly fewer needs now she's that bit older (e.g. no milk through the day, only 1 nap) so I feel like there's less routine to be disrupted than there was at 10 months, if that makes sense.
Good luck whatever you do OP

DS never really got used to a private nursery setting. He started when he was just 2yo for 11hrs a day (7-6), 2 days a week, although I'd usually pick him up just after 5pm (paid for the extra due to iffy traffic).

He cried for ages to start with, had to have loads of settling in sessions and for the six months he was there he cried at every drop off. The nursery was wonderful, OFSTED outstanding, very caring etc etc, he just didn't like the setting. He loved the 1 day a week he was with our childminder. I think he just liked the homely setting, less busy, less kids.

However, now he's 3, he's starting to have settling in sessions at school nursery and he is so ready. A year has made a massive difference. He runs in and straight out to play with all the other children, no tears.

Maybe stick with the nanny for now and reassess in a year. You can still make savings going forward but if it isn't right at the moment you'll only add to work stress when you're getting calls from the nursery to collect him and maybe having to take unpaid leave to do so, so actually not saving any money!

I actually think the real issue might be the time that your mat leave has run out coinciding with a developmental stage were DC hate being left. I noticed that my dsis who put both for her DC in nursery at six months had none of the problems I did at a year. If I had had another DC I would have gone for six months as well. I don't think the nursery/location/work set up is that unusual particularly in the SE but a back emergency carer might be needed for collection, as I said before talk to nursery about your concerns they will have dealt with this before.

I think brownpaperbox has various sock puppet accounts. I hope so anyway.

I'm VERY much in favour of working motherhood. However, 12 hour days are just way too much for a baby to be in an institutional setting without 1:1 care. He will be travelling home at his bedtime and won't see his home at all for the whole day. It actually seems to me that its worse that he's basically living at nursery 3 days a week and not seeing his family and then has 4 days at home - he must be totally confused about who his primary attachment should be to.
If you have to work those hours, I would go for a nanny who can basically proxy-parent for those days that you aren't there. The nanny will become like a third parent and he will develop a strong and healthy bond with her. If you can keep the same nanny throughout his childhood she will become like a much-loved family member. Well worth paying for!

1-1 care is the ideal for under 3s and the op can afford it so I don’t see the issue.
Of course it would be a long day in a nursery. And if the op could only afford that it would be hard but with a nanny baby can be fed and bathed ready for some cuddles with mum and dad before a reasonable bedtime.
It’s the dh trying to penny pinch on childcare that’s the problem - not the fact they work!

Thanks everyone, I really really appreciate you taking the time to respond. I'm going to read through all the useful responses with DH tonight so we can discuss it properly. I think after me summarising them, we've agreed to 2 more 2 hour trials and after that, if things are the same, getting the nanny to step in instead.

To the unhelpful responses, it's just not useful. I'm robust, I'm not taking any of it on board. I've had a giggle at the ridiculousness of some of your posts. However, the OP on another thread might have PND or any host of other issues and be posting desperate for some helpful advice when she's/he's at breaking point. Posting such unhelpful nonsense could have serious consequences so please think in future. Some of us have to work which is unfortunate but working 2-3 days a week is spending the majority of time with my child. He's not a tiny baby, he is a walking toddler who can name various objects and animals.

Thank you again everyone :)

Having been through very similar and actually posting for advice on here about it, I would go with your instinct. My little boy was with a childminder for 3 months and just didn’t settle. It was heartbreaking thinking of him so unhappy and in the end I had to find a new childminder really quickly as it just wasn’t working out. He’s been happier with the new childminder, she’s a completely different personality and wasn’t fazed with spending a bit more time comforting him etc. My little boy was just under 1. If he’s this unhappy in just the settling in sessions, I don’t think he’ll be happy to be left for a full day. Sorry you’re going through this op, it really is a very emotive subject. Hope you find the right solution 💐

Jesus Christ - some of the comments on this thread are awful. Some of us have children and still want to have our own lives and careers - it's not a sin.

SHOCK HORROR, Mother has to work in order to provide for her child.

It's 3 days a week and the other 4 are spent with his mother. Yes, 12 hours is a long time but would you be saying the same about a child who's there 5 days a week, covering core offices hours + commuting time - I.e. 7-5? He's also 13 months, that's longer than a lot of babies get before starting nursery, mine will be starting at 9 months, am I so awful too?!

Good for the holier than thou people who can afford and more importantly WANT to be a SAHP, it doesn't work for everyone. Tearing into a mother who is already so distressed and accusing her of not wanting her child in the first place is abhorrent.

OP, I think you know that the best option for you is to try and have the nanny but pleaseeee do not let these comments upset you. People really are disgusting.