How upset is ok for nursery before enough is enough?

[Babysharkdoodoodoooooo]

So AIBU to think its time to say nursery isn't working..? Please be gentle- posted here for more traffic. It may seem trivial but it's caused a huge dispute between DH & I so I need some opinions before I make things worse by continuing arguing my opinion (if I'm wrong!)

Backstory, 13 month old baby has been signed up for nursery as it was the best we looked around and seemed to have nice staff. He's been for several "trial days". The first 2 were for half an hour & he seemed ok. On coming back, he was sat on the lap of one of the nursery staff playing. The third time, when I arrived, he was asleep but gasping how he does when he has gone to sleep crying (I've only ever seen him do it post vaccines previously so must have been very upset prior to falling asleep), third time DH was called to get him early because he was so upset, 4th time DH again called to collect him because he'd been crying solidly for 2 hours.

He's a very sociable baby. Has been looked after by various family members & a nanny without problems.

DH feels he will be fine & should continue going to nursery & doesn't want to pay more for a nanny. As of next week we are both back at work 2 hours from nursery so if upset, we can't get to him as we have done previously. A nanny who provided emergency childcare on a few occasions & whom he has been happy with has just had an opening & offered to take him instead but obviously as a nanny, is considerably more than nursery. DH says it is unnecessary expenditure and he just needs more time to settle. I'm not sure when enough is enough. For reference, he will be at nursery 3 days a week for 12 hours a day although thus far 2 hours is the maximum that's gone by before one of us has been called.

Am I being unreasonable? Does he just need more time to settle in at nursery? The staff say when he's gone, he just lies on the floor crying but when he is with anyone else, he is a highly sociable, happy baby. Friends are telling me the nanny is the right thing to do. I don't want to fight with DH but I want to do the right thing by DS. It's caused a huge fight with DH over the last few days as he is insisting DS remain at nursery & I just hate seeing him so upset.

In the gentlest way, OP, that's a horrendously long day for a 13 month old child. Let alone 3 days a week.

A nanny is a million times nicer an alternative. Your baby can be in their own home, have one carer, keep to their routine and not be surrounded by constant noise. It would be a no brainer for me.

No. Under 2 is too young for nursery imvho. And 12 hours is way too long. Childminder/nanny or serious tightening of purse strings, which is what we chose to do.

Oh do piss off with that attitude brownpaperbox

Have you thought that perhaps she or her DH are doing 3 long days so they can have extra days with DS

It takes time but maybe your little one is too young for nursery. They all get used to it at different paces.

Maybe try for a few more days but if by the end of next week he is still upset, it's really not on for now.

Maybe you could share a nanny or find a decent childminder.

Good luck to you, it's not easy.

He will settle at the nursery eventually but I’d always recommend a nanny over a nursery for under 2s if you can afford it. And that is for a short day let alone a 12hr day. Maybe you can compromise that you use a nanny for another year and then swap to the nursery at 2?

Anyone think he op will be back? Or was this in AIBU for a reason?

Op it's normal for them to take 6-8 weeks to get completely settled. It basically has to be ok, doesn't it. Your LO will be fine and will buil relationships with keyworker and the other kids. For what it's worth there's no good evidence that nanny is better, sorry everyone, and in fact the earlier they get socialised to being around peers the better. It's harder for the parents I think.

Having said that 2 hours away is a long commute - LO will def get ill or need picking up early as unsettled sometimes. I don't think you want to be that far away. Could you do more but shorter days?

@brownpaperbox there's always one dickhead

My DS goes to nursery so I’m in no way against nursery, but if he is really going to be there for 12 hours a day then presumably you have long commutes and will be rushing to drop him off and back to get him. If you can afford a nanny it will make life so much easier as you don’t have to get your child up and dressed and to nursery on a morning or pick them up at night.

Also children are usually ill loads when they first start nursery and you have to take time off work practically weekly. You wouldn’t have that issue with a nanny. You would of course have the nanny’s holidays to manage, and if the nanny is sick which wouldn’t be a problem with nursery

Go with your instincts. Good luck x

in fact the earlier they get socialised to being around peers the better. It's harder for the parents I think genuine question - where is the evidence to back that up? Google John Bowlby. Under two the socialisation is actually more likely to be because the baby doesn’t under who the primary caregiver is in that setting.

Mine went to nursery full time from six months - no problems with setting in but we did it over a couple of weeks, building up time every day so they had about 10 sessions before they finally started. Although I often worked a distance from nursery , DH was a few minutes away and could collect in an emergency - luckily there weren’t any. Is your DH local and the emergency contact?

understand

Would the emergency nanny do half days?

So you do half at nursery and then half with the nanny. 12 hours at nursery is a long time, all the nurseries we tried wouldn't do that long, I remember running from a late patient to one of the nurseries a few times. (I also remember having to send my employer once as we had an emergency and I couldn't leave)

I don't personally think that 13 months is too young for nursery, 2 of mine were 6 months when they started, but I'm not sure they actually enjoyed it at that age.

There's something about the use of the word "settle" as if it is equivalent to "everything's OK with this setup". Kids who are sent to boarding school at seven "settle", people in prison "settle" - it just means that humans have a capacity to withstand less than ideal situations, especially when they don't have a choice.

Just because a child finally learns that crying for two hours isn't going to do anything, and stops - that doesn't mean the kid is happy, or the situation is OK.

And to everyone saying "not all families have a choice about using childcare for small babies, need to work, can't afford a nanny, etc" - yeah, but they had a choice about having a baby in the first place. If I got a dog and then moaned about not being able to afford someone to look after it while I was at work, people might reasonably ask why I'd got it in the first place.

My daughter was like this and she never settled properly - when she finally moved to pre school aged 3 she was like a different child. She just hated the nursery - we couldn’t understand it as my son had been there for 3 years and loved it, but the fact is it wasn’t right for her and I should have taken her out.

Plus babies get ill often in their first year at nursery and need to be picked up/ miss days frequently. You won’t want to be so far away from the nursery.

My 13 month old barely manages 12 hours awake in a typical day so including journey time to/from nursery it seems like way too long a day for such a young child, even without the issues he’s having settling in. And combined with the fact that you’re so far away you won’t be able to get there quickly if he’s ever upset or sick. Trust your instinct and go with the nanny. Maybe reconsider nursery again in another year or so when he might get more out of it in way of socialisation.

My 11 month old fucking loves nursery! Bounces with excitement when we walk down the drive.

Thanks for your opinions everyone. I unfortunately do mean 12 hours 7-7. Nursery is where our home is and DH & I both work 2 hours away in opposite directions. To bring DS to a nursery near our work places would mean putting him on a commuter train twice a day or 4 hours in a car a day so we felt a nursery would be nicer for him. We both have quite niche jobs so we don't have much of an option to move & live where we do to be half way in order for us both to be able to get to work. We can afford the nanny but it would mean we had less in savings & we are wary that we may well need fertility treatment again so are trying to keep tight control of finances. I will hopefully soon be cutting back to 2 days a week though which will help a bit but I can appreciate 12 hours is a lot & perhaps nanny is the right thing to do so he can at least not have sleep disrupted- at nursery he's woken up to get up to leave with me but otherwise would sleep until 8/9 which isn't helping. We have no family nearby & only have them for help on occasions when they make long haul flights so that's not an option. To avoid drip feeding, we both have good salaries and can afford to put a considerable amount into savings each month but those have been depleted by a combination of maternity leave, bills for DS's medical needs and unpaid leave when he's needed me to be off work.

@brownpaperbox I work 3 days a week to provide DS with 4 days a week of my one to one attention & to afford to take him to lots of activities & buy him the clothes, food, toys etc that he needs, to pay for all the private medical bills we have run up as a result of his medical issues etc. think it's best for him to have money to provide for him what he needs than to have me here 24/7 and not be able to provide for his needs. I'm not choosing to go to work because I prefer to be there than at home. It's great if you can afford to be a SAHM but we all have different financial responsibilities & it's appalling to try to shame someone for it. I don't take on board ridiculous comments like this I hope you'll refrain in future from spurting such nonsense to people who might be hurt by such silly remarks.

DD never got used to nursery. I became a SAHM after about 9 months. I bet a nanny would be cheaper than giving up work!

My daughter has been at nursery full time since she was 8 months and I've never been called in for crying and being distressed. If he is a sociable baby and relaxed without you, I might question the choice of nursery and the care they are giving him. My daughter had never spent more than hour away from me before she started, but I was the only one crying! It took a month for her to settle to sleeping there, but she never seemed unhappy, and was just a bit over tired and grouchy when we got home in the evening to begin with. I do think we are very lucky with our nursery but surely any carers your son has there, must be used to managing the settling in process successfully? My nursery said that in ten years only one child has not worked out and we've seen lots of them join the baby room over the last 5 months and they all seem so happy and are developing really well. So your husband is right, if you persist then he will get used to it. But i would interrogate them as to what sets off the tears and how they comfort him. I wrote down lots of instructions around likes/dislikes, ways of comforting her etc and she has her dummy and teddy for sleeping which I imagine they would have used if needed. No way should he be getting so distressed so quickly and for such a long period of time. Especially as it's so uncharacteristic of him as a baby. Could you should try staying with him for a morning there to help him acclimatise and get used to the environment? That way you could observe the interactions and be there to stop any tears getting too extreme. I would give it a month overall, but i would investigate other nurseries and if you really can't get it to work then obviously a nanny is a very desirable solution.

^ you rock OP

@SendintheArdwolves at no point did I suggest I could not afford my child. As I've said previously, both DH & I have well paid jobs & unfortunately as I didn't have a crystal ball at the time, did not foresee the medical issues with DS that have come about resulting in so much unpaid time off work. I have not said we cannot afford a nanny, only that DH feels nursery may be more cost effective.

A friend of mine had a similar problem but her DD eventually settled in after a few weeks (maybe a month). She too was called to collect her DD on numerous occasions.

Does the nursery have one key staff member your DS can be with every time he's at nursery that way he can build a bond with them over time? In the meantime it sounds like you and DH may need to take some annual leave so DS isn't in nursery for longer periods to start with. Perhaps try to gradually increase the length of time DS is at nursery?

As for the sleeping/crying you mentioned, could it be that he was overtired and struggling to fall asleep in a new environment? I know my nursery just have them all lying on mattresses on the floor together, whereas DS naps in a cot in a dark quiet room at home.