How upset is ok for nursery before enough is enough?

[Babysharkdoodoodoooooo]

So AIBU to think its time to say nursery isn't working..? Please be gentle- posted here for more traffic. It may seem trivial but it's caused a huge dispute between DH & I so I need some opinions before I make things worse by continuing arguing my opinion (if I'm wrong!)

Backstory, 13 month old baby has been signed up for nursery as it was the best we looked around and seemed to have nice staff. He's been for several "trial days". The first 2 were for half an hour & he seemed ok. On coming back, he was sat on the lap of one of the nursery staff playing. The third time, when I arrived, he was asleep but gasping how he does when he has gone to sleep crying (I've only ever seen him do it post vaccines previously so must have been very upset prior to falling asleep), third time DH was called to get him early because he was so upset, 4th time DH again called to collect him because he'd been crying solidly for 2 hours.

He's a very sociable baby. Has been looked after by various family members & a nanny without problems.

DH feels he will be fine & should continue going to nursery & doesn't want to pay more for a nanny. As of next week we are both back at work 2 hours from nursery so if upset, we can't get to him as we have done previously. A nanny who provided emergency childcare on a few occasions & whom he has been happy with has just had an opening & offered to take him instead but obviously as a nanny, is considerably more than nursery. DH says it is unnecessary expenditure and he just needs more time to settle. I'm not sure when enough is enough. For reference, he will be at nursery 3 days a week for 12 hours a day although thus far 2 hours is the maximum that's gone by before one of us has been called.

Am I being unreasonable? Does he just need more time to settle in at nursery? The staff say when he's gone, he just lies on the floor crying but when he is with anyone else, he is a highly sociable, happy baby. Friends are telling me the nanny is the right thing to do. I don't want to fight with DH but I want to do the right thing by DS. It's caused a huge fight with DH over the last few days as he is insisting DS remain at nursery & I just hate seeing him so upset.

I'm sure you have had fun together on your trips and that is lovely but really naming animals/milestones?

Just past his first birthday is a baby.

I know people have to. But if I could avoid sending my distressed child to nursery I would

13m old is a huge development leap emotionally. In 6 months he'd be fine with it most likely but right now he just wants to be with you or his dad.

My 13m old is the same but only for the past 3 weeks. The second I go out of eyeline when he's with strangers he goes hysterical.

Some of the comments on here are unhelpful and nasty. Not even based on anything the OP has said. Just sticking the knife in for no reason. I thought MN was supposed to be women helping other women, not random shittiness and trying to provoke an OP with a reasonable question and not uncommon dilemma.

OP in your situation I do think I'd go with the nanny. Mine (a year older) could probably now cope with a 12 hour day at nursery but still sleeps a good 12 hours at night. So I think that, plus the length of both commutes, would make me think a nanny would be worth it. You also know this person which is a real bonus.

I think you might get some good advice on the nanny boards about contracts and so on, if you go that route. Good luck.

And @BinkyTheBlinky thank you, you are a star!

@beargrass thank you!

12 hours a day at nursery is just too long of a 13 month old, or any age old really. Being 2 hours away with no local family is also a big problem- what happens when your DC is ill or gets injured, or the nursery has to close early for some reason? What if your transport is delayed?

In the short term, I think that the nanny is the only decent option. In the longer term, could you consider a nanny share or child minder? Would it be possible for one of you to get a different job a bit more locally, or for you all to move closer to one of your jobs?

I would pay extra for the nanny. Re-evaluate in 6 or 12months. It will give you peace of mind...it's hard having to leave them at all and 12 hours is a very long day..you are unfortunate you don't have your mother or mil near by but you are fortunate you have a good job so can buy the support.

Your DH should understand...

My dd has done 3 days a week nursery for 2 years, and dh and my long commutes have not mattered at all, as she's not been ill very often! She was 2 when she started though. Can you arrange shorter days in the office, then pick up, then wfh after bedtime at all? A nanny does sound more sensible in your situation. Shame you've had a ton of judgey replies!

You have my sympathy OP. I’ve worked in nurseries settling upset children and moved 13 month old ds to a different nursery due to him being unsettled.

I will say there’s never been a child who didn’t settle, it just took varying degrees of time and different strategies. I dealt with some pretty extreme separation anxiety and worked closely with parents to make sure we were on the same page.

How many children are in your sons room at nursery? In DS first nursery(where I worked) the 0-2 room could take up to 18 children. It was far too busy for my DS. I moved him to a nursery attached to a children’s centre where the room could only hold 6 children. The staff were fantastic and it was a very ‘homely’ atmosphere. Lots of cuddles and down time, freedom with snacks and outdoor access. The manager was very hands on and I had every faith that they’d treat ds just like I would.

There is every chance he will turn a corner very quickly, stay really positive and smily en route to nursery. Give a very firm “love you, see you soon” kiss and cuddle and lots of praise when you return.

I’d try as much as possible to build up the time he spends there and identify a worker who he bonds with more than others. Speak to the nursery manager about strategies and make sure you are I the same page re: comfort given when upset and favourite activities to distract.

Good luck whatever you decide to do

One thing to think about is that when he starts nursery he is going to get sick a lot and he wont be able to go to nursery when he is. Talk to your dh about how you are going to manage this - are you going to share the having to take time off at short notice? Personally Id prefer a nanny for that reason.

its a tricky on alright, how to balance work and children. I feel sad that children ( babies) are being overstimulated in my opinion.

I’d give it a little while longer but really if the Nanny is available and you can afford it then I’d probably do that. 12 hour days are very long and being in his own home without the bustling environment of a nursery will be much more plesant.

Little ones are ill from nursery stupidly regularly when they first start, someone would need to pick him up fairly frequently for a few months before his little system gets used to it. Nursery won’t take him if he’s ill, a nanny will.

Messaging because you are getting a hard time. Why are people referring to him doing a 12 hour day - like he is working down a mine/in an office. He will be playing, having cuddles, the staff at our nursery are better than me with my babies- they bloody love their drooly faces. Our nursery has a soft play, sensory area , bouncy castle, sand and water trays, the kids nap blissfully together. Again the staff are amazing. All those people saying why did you have him - like you are leaving them in the bin. I freaking love my kids I love my job/career too and those are not mutually exclusive. Ignore and ignore and also because I worked when mind were younger I gained the confidence of my employer and future employers to work more flexibly when they are older. My youngest started nursery full time at 13 months had never been apart from me for more than a few hours... she was unsettled and did cry, they do with childminders/grandparents to. At the time is was hard but passed quickly.

I wonder if your sessions are too short/too far apart. At that age (anything before age 3) you're looking for the baby to form an attachment to their carer at the nursery - he should have been assigned a key worker and they should be doing almost everything with him - so I wonder if it would go better if you had some more sessions closer together? Maybe making it 2h/day for 5 days, just for now?

Whatever you decide to do don't listen to all this guilt tripping bullshit. He's in nursery 3 days a week, he's spending 4 days a week with family, that's an excellent compromise to allow you to carry on your career.

I use to be a childminder & a lot of my parents commuted long distances & the youngest kiddy I had was ….4 weeks & yes the hours were long. Parents shouldn't be made to feel guilty circumstances are what they are -Mum is probably doing long days so she can be with her dc other days. We lived in a main commuter belt town so a lot of the parents worked long hours. Swapping types of child care when dc has got use to and bonded with carer is not a good idea by the time dc is 2 they will know the difference. I looked after several young babies over the years (& years!) loved them all :)! I would leave it another week as 4 days isn't that long if after 2 weeks your still unsure perhaps you could look into a childminder situation? At 13 months babies can take time to settle because believe me they can tell they are not at home & they are not able to understand what is going on yet.

12 hours is a long time, I would get a nanny or au pair, at least then your child can be at home which may be less stressful?

Ignore the people saying you shouldn’t leave your child, I think it’s great that you can keep working, doing 3 days and then spending the other 4 with your dc sounds perfect if you can get childcare to work.

12 hours day is not too long in nursery,but on mn it’ll provoke handwringing & horror
You just stick to the routine,baby will get used to nursery
Don’t do protracted drop off,be breezy and light.

Hurrah some sane and rational people have turned up 🙌🏻🙌🏻

Given that you can afford the nanny and evidently don't want to give up work, OP, it's a no-brainer. All the more so as you have now mentioned medical issues with your DS. I can only imagine it would be far better all round for him to be looked after one-to-one by an adult he has bonded with. Surely your DH can see that?

I would maybe do a part time nursery and the rest with the nanny, 12 hours is far to long btw

You need at home childcare for the time being with those hours OP, and the flexibility to cover nanny's sickness (the emergency nanny service or you or dh if dc needs you). Honestly it will make your life so much simpler too. You might be able to find a nanny share or a discount for a nanny with her own child (my friend had both of these arrangements).

You have to work to support your family, so he has to get used to it. All you can do is make it more comfortable for him - bring his favourite toys / blankies / pack his fav foods etc. He will get used to it I promise. A lot of the posters here have no idea what it’s like to be a breadwinner so ignore them.

The money saved by using a nursery over a nanny is not going to be very helpful if one of you needs to give up their jobs or ends up being let go because they are always having to go and pick up your upset DS.

Hindsight is a marvellous thing, but the settling in sessions should have been started a few weeks ago to give your DS time to settle in.
Tell your DH that if he insists on nursery then he has to be the one who takes the call and picks up your DS every single time if he is too upset to settle. Then see if he still wants to pick nursery over nanny.

Also no reason not to try to move to nursery in say 6 months time when DS is older and may be keener to explore a different environment.

Good luck with it OP.

no people who are buying into this have turned up.