How upset is ok for nursery before enough is enough?

[Babysharkdoodoodoooooo]

So AIBU to think its time to say nursery isn't working..? Please be gentle- posted here for more traffic. It may seem trivial but it's caused a huge dispute between DH & I so I need some opinions before I make things worse by continuing arguing my opinion (if I'm wrong!)

Backstory, 13 month old baby has been signed up for nursery as it was the best we looked around and seemed to have nice staff. He's been for several "trial days". The first 2 were for half an hour & he seemed ok. On coming back, he was sat on the lap of one of the nursery staff playing. The third time, when I arrived, he was asleep but gasping how he does when he has gone to sleep crying (I've only ever seen him do it post vaccines previously so must have been very upset prior to falling asleep), third time DH was called to get him early because he was so upset, 4th time DH again called to collect him because he'd been crying solidly for 2 hours.

He's a very sociable baby. Has been looked after by various family members & a nanny without problems.

DH feels he will be fine & should continue going to nursery & doesn't want to pay more for a nanny. As of next week we are both back at work 2 hours from nursery so if upset, we can't get to him as we have done previously. A nanny who provided emergency childcare on a few occasions & whom he has been happy with has just had an opening & offered to take him instead but obviously as a nanny, is considerably more than nursery. DH says it is unnecessary expenditure and he just needs more time to settle. I'm not sure when enough is enough. For reference, he will be at nursery 3 days a week for 12 hours a day although thus far 2 hours is the maximum that's gone by before one of us has been called.

Am I being unreasonable? Does he just need more time to settle in at nursery? The staff say when he's gone, he just lies on the floor crying but when he is with anyone else, he is a highly sociable, happy baby. Friends are telling me the nanny is the right thing to do. I don't want to fight with DH but I want to do the right thing by DS. It's caused a huge fight with DH over the last few days as he is insisting DS remain at nursery & I just hate seeing him so upset.

Gosh there are harsh comments on here.

The obvious answer is there are advantages and disadvantages to both options.

Nurseries have several benefits and generally children who go to Nursury have excellent social skills which stay with them throughout childhood. With Nannies / childminders it’s dependent on the nanny themselves. Frankly they could be great or crap. The real question is do you trust that person unsupervised with your child all day.

A few settling in sessions are not going to be indicative of your child’s overall experience at nursery. Personally I chose nursery over a nanny as I couldn't be sure the ones i met would not dump my child in front of the tv all day.

Some women are so good at kicking each other when they’re down. Like leaving a dog alone in the house is the same as leaving a baby in a nursery 🙄

Are you in England? Curious if you are with you saying about medical fees.

If in England I'd recommend an Ofsted Registered Childminder. It's more of a home from home and one main carer, cheaper than a nanny but childminder is pocie checked, trained, insured, inspected, etc. I know in other countries this may not be as regulated though, in which case I'd go with the nanny that has just had a space come available as it sounds like you are comfortable with her.

I've always worked in early years and I'd say at such a young age needing 12 hour days that I'd be looking at homely options like nanny or childminder over nursery.

avon wow thank you so much I had. I idea I could google things so helpful. There have actually been significant changes to how we now understand attachment since Bowlby. But I assume you already know about all of that since you can work google and all.

Never patronise a social scientist, love.

OP don't sweat it. It's good for them to be around other people too. And while the sleep is a pain now, in a few months it'll all be different. Hang in there.

Sorry I wrote my response before I read your confirmation of 12 hour days. Honestly I think you should have a nanny and I'm the biggest nursery advocate! 7pm is bed time for babies, and he won't be able to make up sleep disruption as you'll be up and out early in the morning. I think he is just too little for that. My daughter does 8-5:30 and it's a race to get her home, fed, bathed and in bed. By the end of the week she is still pretty shattered. I would say go with a nanny for another year and review when he is two.

That's really really not long enough. Can you try a longer settling in process? You stay with him for an hour and play make it all very positive but encourage him to go to/be with his key person while You are there. The next day go back, stay for half an hour with him but stay in the background and leave for 10 mins, then come back. The next day, quick kiss and cuddle, don't linger! It makes it worse, then leave for half an hour and then come back and take him home. Then see how he goes from there.
You really haven't given it enough time.

Given how far away you are going to be I think your only kind option is a nanny. Why is your dh being such a dick about his baby?

My dd went to playschool at two and still hadn't settled properly after five months. I had no idea. I moved her immediately they told me. No way would I leave a baby more than a few sessions.

I also worked as a nanny before having children and only had a couple of visits with the baby's before sole charge full time. All were easy to care for and didn't cry when mum and dad left. I'm very unimpressed with nursery staff that can't soothe a baby to stop crying after two hours of tears.

"More cost effective"? No, sorry. Not a phrase you can employ when your dc needs something. Aka better care.

Our nursery honestly couldn’t be better. DD1 is in the preschool room now and adores it. They’ve been brilliant with DD2 who, as I’ve said, is excited to go and looks really happy playing away when we collect her. They are in 8-6 three days per week.

The women who work there are first class. Overworked, underpaid, use their own money and time to enhance the kids’ experiences. Give cuddles, take them on days trips, do little birthday parties on their birthdays...I won’t hear a word against our nursery.

Our local childminders are well known for being awful though. Group of them go to the same soft play almost every day. Drink coffee and routinely ignore their charges. Notorious for it. I wouldn’t use any of them.

He’s only a baby once. You’re missing out on SO much. You’ll regret it. That’s too long and you know it is. Why you’d have a baby if you’re going to rarely even see him is beyond me.

@BinkyTheBlinky I agree, very similar and very useful comparison. While we're on it- I get worse- I leave my pet fish at home for 12 hours a day too.

Fertility treatment??

Why so incredulous Georgie?

I’d go for the nanny if you can afford it. Prioritise your child’s needs for a while longer, it doesn’t sound like he will settle any time soon, he sounds like he needs more of a 1:1 setting rather than a nursery setting.

Sorry just realised Nursery is 2 hours away... don't mean to sound awful but that really isn't ok.

If he is poorly and needs to go home a 2 hour wait isn't fair on him or the nursery staff or other children. Plus what if there was an emergency? Is there someone else available close by who would be able to get to him on short notice?

Others have mentioned this already, but are there any good childminders near you? My son has been with a lovely one since he was 11 months. She has an assistant and they look after 6 kids together. He does three quite long days there - 10.5 hours. It's a more homely environment and less overwhelming for him then nursery would be I think. I assume he's happy as he cheerfully waves me goodbye most mornings!

If that's not an option, I would def go with the nanny. Childcare you are confident in is worth paying more for.

Worries me that they said he lies on the floor crying - how are they trying to settle him? There might be things you know work, e.g. our nursery asked about favourite songs etc.
If they aren't trying, then I think the nanny would be much better if you can afford it

About the same as your sweeping statement of childminders...

I would definitely pay for a nanny. The nursery must be used to upset children. I would have thought your ds must have been off the scale for them to call you each time after 2 hours. I agree with you it would break my heart to know he was in that much distress, I’m sure he would get used to it in time but would that actually mean he was happy? Try again when he’s older.

I'm very pro-nursery, my own went from 16 weeks, 5 days a week 8 - 4.30 & it worked very well for us. Ignore the haters. But in your situation I would reconsider & I'd be uncomfortable being 2 hours away.

I meant reconsider childcare.

I found this age was the worst for separation anxiety. But this level of upset sounds pretty distressing.

If you can afford it I would choose a nanny - the evidence is pretty clear that having clear primary carers is beneficial at this age. The other option is a childminder but you may find it hard to find a space at short notice.

It could also be that your child is just not one for nursery at this stage. One of my kids didn't go until the year before school and even then it was a struggle for him. He much preferred the calm homeliness of the child minder (or home!). He still does prefer home and quiet as a teen.

That doesn’t make sense.

My statement wasn’t sweeping. It explicitly said the childminders in my area. I’m quite sure there are lovely childminders. They just don’t live round here.