How upset is ok for nursery before enough is enough?

[Babysharkdoodoodoooooo]

So AIBU to think its time to say nursery isn't working..? Please be gentle- posted here for more traffic. It may seem trivial but it's caused a huge dispute between DH & I so I need some opinions before I make things worse by continuing arguing my opinion (if I'm wrong!)

Backstory, 13 month old baby has been signed up for nursery as it was the best we looked around and seemed to have nice staff. He's been for several "trial days". The first 2 were for half an hour & he seemed ok. On coming back, he was sat on the lap of one of the nursery staff playing. The third time, when I arrived, he was asleep but gasping how he does when he has gone to sleep crying (I've only ever seen him do it post vaccines previously so must have been very upset prior to falling asleep), third time DH was called to get him early because he was so upset, 4th time DH again called to collect him because he'd been crying solidly for 2 hours.

He's a very sociable baby. Has been looked after by various family members & a nanny without problems.

DH feels he will be fine & should continue going to nursery & doesn't want to pay more for a nanny. As of next week we are both back at work 2 hours from nursery so if upset, we can't get to him as we have done previously. A nanny who provided emergency childcare on a few occasions & whom he has been happy with has just had an opening & offered to take him instead but obviously as a nanny, is considerably more than nursery. DH says it is unnecessary expenditure and he just needs more time to settle. I'm not sure when enough is enough. For reference, he will be at nursery 3 days a week for 12 hours a day although thus far 2 hours is the maximum that's gone by before one of us has been called.

Am I being unreasonable? Does he just need more time to settle in at nursery? The staff say when he's gone, he just lies on the floor crying but when he is with anyone else, he is a highly sociable, happy baby. Friends are telling me the nanny is the right thing to do. I don't want to fight with DH but I want to do the right thing by DS. It's caused a huge fight with DH over the last few days as he is insisting DS remain at nursery & I just hate seeing him so upset.

A pp mentioned that maybe the nanny could do half days and collect from nursery, that seems like a good idea?

Did we all miss the fact that it’s three days a week and not seven? 🤔

12 hours? A thirteen month baby....?
Oh my days!Is a little little one to be left for so long. Actually this really has upset me just to think about it. Babies are still breastfeeding and bonding at this age, enough to give baby awful problems, please reconsider your arrangements.A couple of hours, sure...

Well it was clearly written as a slight on all cms otherwise why say it on a national forum. You’re not giving local advice about specific childcarers to avoid, you’re being sneery on cms as a whole.

Equally I think it’s a bit off shall we say that a parent would put their child with medical needs in a nursery two hours away from either parent for 12 hours a day, so they can save up to have another one...

Relax. She isn’t leaving him tied to the railings outside her work.

Going against the grain - I would say give it another week or two. My youngest started nursery a couple of months ago at a similar age and made it clear he was NOT happy throughout his settling in sessions. Our eldest had settled pretty much straight away so it took me by surprise. I was all set to start looking for a childminder to give him a more homey environment but by the end of his second full day he was like a different baby- he gets excited and starts squealing when we pull up there now and happily goes to his key worker for a cuddle and then disappears off to start pulling the toys off the shelves. So based on personal experience I would give it at least a couple of weeks of the normal pattern if I were you before deciding to go with a nanny instead. If he still wasn’t settled after a few weeks though I think I’d take him out.

Think what you like about me refusing to leave my dogs for hours on end. I wouldn't have got dogs if I worked those hours. The same as I wouldn't leave a baby for twelve hours a day.

But not my baby, what do I care. You're the one missing out ..

Being 2 hours away isn't good. If anything happens to him then being 2 hours away isn't great. Especially if he has medical issues which have needed private treatment.

It doesn't sound like nursery is the right fit for your ds right now.

I'd go for the nanny and move jobs

Meh. I can live with that. Better than making passive aggressive comments and failing to expand until pushed to do so.

Confirmed how utterly low and nasty I expected you to be.

a sociable baby? no choice. Sorry but I refer you to John Bowlby.

I don’t really give a fuck about your dogs. The fact is that it’s not comparable. She isn’t leaving the baby home alone or lying in a cot all day with no interaction.

And if you look back I was supportive in my first message but it’s getting daft now! Wonder if there’s a reason this was in AIBU and not ‘childcare’.

I’d give it longer mine took a while to settle and cried a fair bit BUT I trusted Nursery and the staff I know he often slept on the office team rather than in a cot to start with for example
I am wary of nannies as several friends had had nightmares with nanny sickness / resignations etc

Thanks to those of you giving useful advice, it's SO appreciated.

For the ridiculous posts about "medical needs". Based on the no information you have about the medical treatment, you've concluded that he's less suitable for nursery?

As it happens, the medical issues were pregnancy complications meaning I had a lot of unpaid leave during pregnancy & and required multiple tests and admissions when he was first born but he is now well & treated like any other child although we had a lot of private medical expenses at the beginning.

I would give it more time, personally.

It hasn't been that long really in terms of settling in period.

His age probably isn't helping with things, but obvs nothing you can do about that. (what I mean is that at 13 months he is more aware and getting more upset in new environment etc.)

My LO was 6 months going into nursery and we never had any settling in issues- but when moving into toddler room aged 2, it was a different story!

Good luck, it is never easy making decisions about childcare while planning return to work.

Hi OP.

When I was pregnant with my first DS I worked in a 9-5 job, five days a week and I hated the thought of my child being in childcare that often. I handed in my notice and took another job that meant I was only away from home three days a week but it meant I worked 13 hour shifts.

I went back to work when my son was 10 months old and he went to a childminder from 7am-5pm as my husband would pick him up. This would usually only be for two days a week but sometimes three.

I believed that me being home four days a week and having all that time with him was better than working a ‘normal job’ and him being in childcare five days a week. If I had stayed in my old job he would have been in childcare 9 hours a day, 5 days a week, so 45 hours a week. In my new job he was in childcare 20 times a week which to be justified the change in my job.

However, being two hours away from him really isn’t ideal. I’ve been called by my childminder numerous times because DS has been ill and needed collecting and I don’t know how you’ll factor that in? It just isn’t practical. My DS once has to go to A&E from his childminders and I went straight there.....I can’t imagine what I would have done in that situation if I had been two hours away

I think for that reason alone you need to use the nanny. Ok, 12 hour seaaions aren’t ideal but they wouldn’t be a reason to use a nanny in my eyes, however, the distance you will be away from him is why you should use a Nanny. He needs a steady and familiar caregiver with him if you and your husband won’t be.

If you decide to keep him at nursery you are going to have to think of a back up plan because, if nursery call and ask you to collect him because of his distress levels they will not expect to wait for two hours plus and if that becomes a regular thing your DC may be asked to leave.
It took my DC a couple of months to really settle at nursery but they did and they were very happy. I don't think they ever reached the levels of distress you were describing and I was much closer if needed. You may want to consider a CM or just suck up the nanny costs for the moment. Have you spoken to the nursery about your concerns?

so the baby has a 12 hour day with a two hour drive at each end?

Hiya I'm on week two of nursery my child is a little older then yours but we had same thing lots of phone calls because she was crying for hours

I had never left her in her life before I'm a single mum so not even with her dad bid week two and we're slowly getting there she cries on drop off and when she sees me again at pick up but not really in the middle

Two sessions is not enough too know because even a weekend off sets them back again as I found out Monday

Solidly for two weeks and see a difference

I say perseverance but I know it's fucking shit

a 16 hour day? arent there rules for that?

I would honestly go back to nanny if you can afford it. He is only 1 and they need to feel secure, he is happy with her so why change it. Or a childminder. e.g. same person every day. He has plenty of time to socialize in a nursery when he is older.
Did nursery try to settle/comfort him, did they say anything about what they tried. I would be worried that being a busy setting they don’t have time to give him 1-2-1 care he needs (to settle in). If he is very sociable baby i would expect he would calm down if given lots of attention which again to me would suggest they don’t have time for that.
Is your DH prepared to leave work at short notice to collect him if this continues or he expects you will step in and sort it every time. If he feels so strongly about DS staying in nursery he better be prepared to step in, otherwise decision is up to you as you will be the one affected the most (and DS of course!).

@petrolpump28 he's only been to the nursery for less than a week. He's had my constant attention 24/7 for over a year and gone to classes/baby groups/museums etc every day which is why he is a sociable baby. He's ahead of his milestones and sociable because she has had a year of one on one outings and attention. Not because he's been at nursery for less than a week.

Perhaps you could point out to your DH that once you go back to work, he'll have to do half of the emergency pick-ups from nursery if the baby won't settle.

Wouldn't it be better to have the baby somewhere where they're happy, and not have to leave work at short notice 1-2 times every week?

sorry Im sure you are a lovely person but do you have any extended family?
museums?
milestones?
its a tiny little baby.

@petrolpump28 no. The baby has a 12 hour day (well 11-12 depending on my traffic but I'm saying 12 to be safe) with a less than 3 minute drive home at the end. The nursery is a few doors down from our home.