How upset is ok for nursery before enough is enough?

[Babysharkdoodoodoooooo]

So AIBU to think its time to say nursery isn't working..? Please be gentle- posted here for more traffic. It may seem trivial but it's caused a huge dispute between DH & I so I need some opinions before I make things worse by continuing arguing my opinion (if I'm wrong!)

Backstory, 13 month old baby has been signed up for nursery as it was the best we looked around and seemed to have nice staff. He's been for several "trial days". The first 2 were for half an hour & he seemed ok. On coming back, he was sat on the lap of one of the nursery staff playing. The third time, when I arrived, he was asleep but gasping how he does when he has gone to sleep crying (I've only ever seen him do it post vaccines previously so must have been very upset prior to falling asleep), third time DH was called to get him early because he was so upset, 4th time DH again called to collect him because he'd been crying solidly for 2 hours.

He's a very sociable baby. Has been looked after by various family members & a nanny without problems.

DH feels he will be fine & should continue going to nursery & doesn't want to pay more for a nanny. As of next week we are both back at work 2 hours from nursery so if upset, we can't get to him as we have done previously. A nanny who provided emergency childcare on a few occasions & whom he has been happy with has just had an opening & offered to take him instead but obviously as a nanny, is considerably more than nursery. DH says it is unnecessary expenditure and he just needs more time to settle. I'm not sure when enough is enough. For reference, he will be at nursery 3 days a week for 12 hours a day although thus far 2 hours is the maximum that's gone by before one of us has been called.

Am I being unreasonable? Does he just need more time to settle in at nursery? The staff say when he's gone, he just lies on the floor crying but when he is with anyone else, he is a highly sociable, happy baby. Friends are telling me the nanny is the right thing to do. I don't want to fight with DH but I want to do the right thing by DS. It's caused a huge fight with DH over the last few days as he is insisting DS remain at nursery & I just hate seeing him so upset.

You are very patronising. I have a PhD and years of academic experience. I critically review scientific articles everyday. Please post me a link to a study. I will let you know if I am too stupid to understand it.

Parker231 - your post proves nothing. Language development has to be measured in lab conditions in longitudinal studies.

You deserve to be patronized, and if you have a PhD you ought to know better than to think that every question in the world has been answered by some short open access piece of research for novices.

user why not just post a link to some of the journal articles that you use or reference the conferences you attended. If stretch has access to those journals (or can obtain access) she can read them and if she's not a "novice" she can have a jolly good stab at understanding them. Am not really sure it is any skin off your nose is it to post a link to what you're saying is enough evidential material to make your point?

@user based on your last comment I don't believe you are a scientist for one second.

I'm not suggesting that one study will provide the answer to everything. Only that you should be able to back up your claims with at least one piece of peer-reviewed evidence.

Also scientific articles should be at least reasonably understandable to other scientists, even if they are not experts in the field. That's the point of making science transparent and accessible.

Also if the data are as powerful as you are suggesting, I'm surprised that it has not been picked up the popular scientific press. But perhaps it just too complex for mere novices.

Read the author I indicated. See what you think.

I really recommend a childminder so your little one can form a bond with one person and be in a home environment, or the nanny if that's not possible. My daughter is now about to start at the school her cm picks up from so they can continue their fantastic relationship. She is like a member of the family. Dd has been with her cm 5 days a week from 9 months and has thrived. I don't understand why people are judging you for three days of childcare!

@user in my job if I made a scientific claim and then suggested that my audience or reader found their own evidence I would be laughed out the door.

You have made a very bold claim on a public forum that you are not to be able to substantiate. I don't need a full access article, the published abstract or even just the PMID or DOI would be sufficient. I also don't need the full evidence base. A single example would be sufficient. You haven't provided these therefore I can only conclude they don't exist.

I hate it when posters come along with their anti-nursery or anti-childcare agenda, post strong unsubstantiated claims and then fail to provide any evidence to support their claim. It's typical Daily Mail tactics. Post any old bollocks to get an impact and worry about the facts (or not) later.

@qumquat we have also used a brilliant child minder as well as nursery. I think it can just be hard to find one especially if you can't get a personal recommendation.

I agree he’ll get used to it but also think 12 hour days in nursery is long - although it’s all the same really.

My boys settled into nursery at 8 months old and we never had any issues dropping them off at all. Yours might take more time.

As you’ve got a cooling off period with the nursery, try again a couple of times and see where that gets you. If he’s ok with a nanny when you aren’t there then maybe he just needs some quieter time in the nursery?

I was in a very similar situation with my son and I would say follow your intinct. We eventually went for a nanny share because he never settled. He has always suffered from anxiety but I am not sure if that was the reason. They are all wired differently so trust your instinct.

Not read all comments so sorry if already been said.
I think for the nursery to call you he must have been very unsettled. Normally they say child is fine once you leave.
If you could continue with short sessions for longer to see if things improve I would but as a is needed now and he can be with nanny he already has already bond with been happy in past. To me that seems a better solution for now.
Although, you may find he struggles with that at moment too if seperation is longer than previous been left and /or he's more aware of been left now than previously,

Good luck

With my daughter it took 6 weeks for part time attendance (2 days a week) to stop crying. She eventually was very happy going and didn't even wave back just running towards friends. She became anxious again during pre-school as her friends had moved to school nurseries, though. To date, she's quite the worrier and a bit anxious still about new places, new people, etc. She's 6.

My son went at 5 months and he adapted very quickly. So much that he sometimes cried because he didn't want to leave! He attaches only to a handful of people, but not because he's timid or fearful, he's just selective. He's very independent and if he's playing he might come for a kiss but go straight back. He's 4.

Same nursery, different key workers but the same key worker for each of them throughout the year.