to ask what DH does that really fucks you off?

[martapolska2]

But not to the point where you will LTB.

My DH insists on chucking all his beer can in the black bin and not a recycle bin!

The poo one, but according to all these rules:

1. DH cannot be expected to do anything AT ALL if he has not yet done his first daily dump
2. If DH does not shit for a day, it means he is really, really ill and it needs to be regarded by everyone as a medical emergency and means there are many things he is now incapable of doing eg. Childcare, paying attention in a conversation, laughing, staying awake, cooking, any household task, talking to anyone else in a reasonable manner, keeping a proportional empathy with people who have real illnesses and real problems like cancer.
3. While DH is doing his dump, nobody is allowed within 10ft of the toilet otherwise the presence of others puts him off and it “won’t come out” and he will blame that person for causing his constipation/medical emergency.
4. If DH is in charge of the DC when the urge to go to the toilet comes on, somebody needs to come immediately and urgently to watch them because he cannot possibly delay it, nor concentrate on anything other than the dump itself.
5. DH has to be able to talk about and describe his poos in great detail. He can remember certain poos from years ago and can give precise descriptions of their length and texture. He has to be able to describe what type of poo he thinks is about to occur if he gets the urge and tell you afterwards if his prediction was correct. He has various names for the types of poo which he produces, and linguistic extensions on the labels if they are a combination of types.
6. After his dump, whatever time of the day or night, all windows on the level of the floor that DH did the nasty need to be opened wide for several hours, even in the middle of the darkest, coldest winter.
7. It is not enough for DH to simply wipe his bottom after shitting. He has to have a shower to clean himself thoroughly.

I am reading these and wondering how come the things that are being listed are so common. Is it a gender thing or a socialisation thing? I can identify with a few of these regarding my husband too. Please can I add the 'look how tired I am in the morning walk and voice'. See this morning when I have been up an hour and a half before him getting our 4 year old up and ready. Including a painting session. Grrr.

@Squarebricks that is just brilliant how do you even cope with him?!

Oh I am going to add some to my above.
Inability to make a decision. Cue MONTHS of me nodding and smiling at inane talk about a car or something.
Taking me for a naice drive and ending up eating at a greasy spoon and driving around industrial estates.
Not understanding money. Fear of investment, insurance, pensions and the like. Everything is "a scam".
Being afraid of anything non cash.

1, When asked to do something it's always "in a minute"

2, After buttering his toast he leaves the crumbs on the work top!

3, After making the bed leaves all his clothes on the floor..

4, Started fitting the kitchen 14 months ago and it's still not finished!

5, Deciding to sand walls but not thinking of closing any doors or covering anything up!

I may think of more.

@TheGrumpySquirrel I know, I've already had that conversation with him. He works in an office of all women with school age children who have to book hols in school holidays and take time off when DC are unwell. Pisses me right off that his manager expects that his wife will take care of it. Tbh though I don't think he has told them that I am in a management role and it would affect us more financially if I had to take unpaid time off rather than him.
It's a funny situation though as before his career change I was working part time for childcare and he could be earning 3 or 4 times what I did, now I've stepped up, taken a degree and advanced my career so he can do what he loves rather than what he HAS to do.

My DH developed a peculiar habit a few years ago - he kept hiding my laptop charger. I always kept it neatly coiled up with its little Velcro strap, next to the actual laptop on a shelf under the coffee table. He keeps his charger permanently plugged in by the side of the sofa, so he can easily grab it and plug in whenever he's about to run out of power in the middle of an urgent eBay purchase.

One day I needed my charger and it was just gone. I questioned him and he said "It's the same as mine. We don't need to keep two of them out - you can just use mine."

Well - I could sort of see his logic but it clearly wasn't going to work in practice. For a start - we always seemed to run out of power at the same time. Also, I couldn't easily get at the plug socket to move his charger to where I needed it. Also, my charger wasn't "out" anyway. It was neatly put away where it lived, not in his way, not taking up space he needed for anything else...just minding its own business. So I kept retrieving it from the cupboard upstairs where he stashed it...and he'd keep moving back there when I'd finished with it. It would have made sense if he was a generally obsessively tidy person, but he really isn't.

I've got a new laptop now with a different charger socket. He reckons I only need to keep the charger cable itself out, and can put the power pack bit with the plug on it away, because I can "just use his".

I've told him to leave my charger alone or I'll strangle him with it.

@cleofatra ohhh I so relate to that. Months of research. No decision ever. Complains if I choose something "sub optimal". Hates spending any money so gets angsty - but at the same time he has expensive taste.. so never buys anything. We are pretty well off so it's not that.

Snacks as I’m making dinner
Leaves ear buds on the bathroom sink when the bin is literally next to it
Doesn’t have a shower when he gets up, waits until just before we’re ready to go out.
Lets his phone die so I can never get hold of him!
But he is lovely.

Oh not to mention won’t take any responsibility for organising anything - holidays, weekends away, days out etc. And if I’m stressed about something, his response is always “it’s fine, nobody has died” which is not helpful and really riles me up!

Oh yes, the breathing on me at night - we have a fucking superking sized bed - there’s no need to be near me!!!!

And telling me I’m nagging or to stop nagging when I’ve had to ask him for the 50th time to do something because he’s forgotten.

And sometimes he’s so nice he’s a walkover and gets screwed over on stuff because he’s not a tyrant like me!!!

Eats everything in the house so I don’t get my fair share. When I just tackled him on the fact he has eaten the whole pack of tostadas and I haven’t had a look in says “o warned you about this when we started dating, I’m an eater”.

We are having a baby boy in 11 weeks time. He is bound to be the same.

Reading these is causing the red mist.

1. Massively under estimates the time anything will take. Despite being proven wrong every single day, he thinks it only takes 15 minutes to get the family showered, dressed and out of the door.

1. Faffs so much when we need to leave the house. Has to search for his keys, phone and wallet every time. Then just as we've loaded the kids in the buggy and have opened the front door he announces that he needs to brush his teeth and disappears upstairs.

1. Loads the dishwasher but doesn't turn it on because you might still be able to squeeze a teaspoon and a side plate in there somewhere.

1. Leaves the tiniest little half teaspoon of something in the jar and puts it back in the fridge.

1. Doesn't close the baby wipes so they dry out.

1. Leaves things to soak, i.e. leaves them festering until I sort them out.

1. Balances drinks on the sofa and is then surprised when toddler knocks them over.

just randomly sings to himself when im trying to speak to him... even when its very serious or in the midst of an argument... even when something really awful is happening/someones injured etc... just randomly starts humming a tune

Mishears things I say in a really surreal manner like hes not even tried to think of the context.... so i might be holding up a bag of oranges in a supermarket and saying 'have we run out of oranges?' and he will say 'what lighthouse?'

i am conflicted about these things because they are also very cute and he doesnt do them on purpose... but they do wind me right up

@MeltingSnowflake - I'd refuse to get in the car with him if he texts again. That's illegal. What a dick. Hope he doesn't kill someone.

Massively under estimates the time anything will take.

Omg This. Oh I'm leaving work now so I'll be home in 30 minutes. No, no you won't. It takes 5 mins to leave office 10 to walk to tube 25 on tube then another 10 the other end! It's just not realistic!!

@squarebricks you need to buy him a squattypotty for christmas. 40 minute poops take 4 minutes.

Also if he tries to shit for that long he needs medical help.

My dh also leaves his beer bottle lid on the side every time he has a beer. He also collects magazines and newspapers and leaves them all over the bathroom floor and reads them whilst taking his 3 times daily half hour dump. He shaves his beard and leaves whiskas in the sink he claims to wipe them up but doesn't do a very good job. He is always late and makes me late for everything and I hate it as I have to be early.

Just thought of another he is always on his phone even when we go out for meals, it's just rude but no matter what I say he doesn't listen.

• Leaves things "drying" by dumping them on their sides, in a pile, chaotically in the draining board. Meaning that all the cups and bowls have festering little pools of sudsy water in them when you come to put them away.

• Considers himself the tidy one because he will put things away and superficially 'wipe'. Never mind that I'm the only one who actually does things like... clean the fridge, clean the oven, clean the toilets, get rid of the cockroach infestation when I moved in (aka all the deeper cleaning beyond flinging a cloth around exposed surfaces).

• Refuses to throw out anything that is attached to a memory, only everything is. First video camera. First radio. First t-shirt he wore on a plane flight (wish I was joking!)

• Chews gum very loudly, with his mouth hanging as widely open as is possible. The total lack of self-consciousness astounds me.

• Comes to stand in front of me when I'm sitting mumsnetting and whips his 'bits' out. When I ask him to put them away, smirks and says, "Is it exciting you too much?"

Some of these have made me laugh, especially as they could apply to me - i’m a terrible faffer & seem to constantly lose my keys, phone & wallet etc. My DH is a neat freak to the point that he’s almost OCD so I know I drive him mad. My annoyances are:

1. He has a particular way of stacking plates & cutlery on the draining board to ensure maximum efficiency in drying time. I always get this wrong (stubbornly refuse to do it) so have to endure a lecture on why it’s best to stack using his method.
2. He will never use the sat nav or ask anyone for directions, but would rather rely on some internal sense of direction or position of the sun. Tbf this sometimes works (strangely) but there are times when we do get hopelessly lost!
3. He is very practical & great at DIY, which is brilliant, but he wants to do everything himself - so projects get started & are never completed as he doesn’t have the time. We still don’t have a fully functioning kitchen in the 10 years of living at our house.
4. He thinks i’m interested in hearing all about cars & their mechanics so will explain something in great length until my eyes start to glaze over.

On the whole though, he’s great & I should appreciate him more!

Is completely incapable of looking after his own children.

Leaves his used tea bags on the side instead of putting them straight in the bin

Washes his hands at the kitchen sink and then flicks/shakes the water off his hands so there is a spray of water that goes everywhere

Has become very forgetful. He forgets conversations we have had. But instead of admitting he has forgotten, he says that I never told him in the first place!

Opens the cutlery drawer to get the bottle top opener out to open a bottle of beer. But leaves the bottle tops in the cutlery drawer!

I think I might be a bloke.

And married to some of you .

DH does this weird mix of a sniff and a cough and it is totally unnecessary. He just does it to pass the time and drives me insane