Friend slapped daughter hard

[Daffodildainty]

Some friends were visiting from another country. Last night there was a mix up about the arrangements and I went out of the restaurant to meet my friend and her daughter - a 19 year old uni student . They were arguing on the pavement and as we entered the venue With me walking ahead of them I glimpsed my friend slap her daughter really hard across the face - I continued inside and eventually my friend arrived without her daughter who had returned to the hotel. She mentioned the slap but said her daughter had called her a name and pinched her hard to which she retaliated. I said it was not a good situation but took the cowards way out and didn’t tell her how shocking it was. We continued the evening. I feel badly for not intervening WWUD?

I have been sworn at by my eldest teen and he tests my patience on a daily basis. Still wouldn’t slap him.

Still better to say something than not surely, Glint?
I’m not sure what the solution is. What would you have done?

Nothing to be honest, unless i’d Intervened at the time and separated them.

Saying something afterwards only makes you feel better.

Okay @PuddlesOfBud but take my analogy of mental bullying - is that likely to be seen as socially acceptable?

It is never okay to hit anybody. Never.

Sorry but it really was a crap all round. First of all for continually using the phrase "Mind fuck your child" [cringe] but secondly because mental bullying is not a retaliation for a physical action from an adult. It's long term, it would be like being hit and then waiting a week, and popping the person back. Which would be pointless I'm sure we could all agree. Thirdly Mental bullying works because the person being abused doesn't realise what is happening. You know when you get a smack. They aren't the same thing. You're just comparing things you don't like.

Also you keep referring to a child, not an adult who can avoid assaulting their mother in the first place. We don't know the circumstances in the family.

Some teenagers and adult children are violent towards their parents. Not always because they have seen violence , some people are just arseholes.

It is never okay to hit anybody. Never.

Why not? How can you make a blanket statement like that. This thread is full of these comments and they mean nothing because it's bullshit.

If someone broke in to your home and was set to asault you and your family, it wouldn't be okay to hit them? Just ask nicely. Good plan.

WW2 required huge amounts of violence to end atrocities, not OK?

*'works' to cause mental anguish obviously. Not works as a method of punshment.

Saying something afterwards only makes you feel better.

No it doesn't. It is just a difficult conversation to have which is why people are looking for excuses to duck it.

First of all it opens up the conversation with the mother/friend. Maybe she is massively struggling. Maybe her daughter beat her up the night before. maybe she thought everyone slaps their 19 year old daughter. Maybe she snapped because she was pinched and feels terrible and wants to talk to someone.

In the very worst case scenario - friend thinks there is nothing wrong with hitting her children even when adult - by telling her you find it shocking and unacceptable you have at least made it clear that people she respects will find her actions unacceptable.

I really don't understand people thinking "ah well what is the point?" would you do that in other situations - someone hitting his wife - would you not raise that with him? someone kicking her dog? Would you not say something? Someone pushing a homeless person who annoyed them?

someone hitting his wife - would you not raise that with him?

People keep comparing this to a man beating his wife.

Most men are physically larger than their partners, it's also part of a larger problem with male violence.

It has nothing to do with two adult females, where one is retaliating after being physically attacked. You're trying to make a point but what you are actually doing is downgrading domestic violence with a live in abusive male partner to a pinch and a smack between two women.

You're trying to make a point but what you are actually doing is downgrading domestic violence with a live in abusive male partner to a pinch and a smack between two women.

No I am not. I am upgrading a woman hitting another woman across the face. And what about the other scenarios I posted which don't involve men? How about them?

Honestly, it seems like you and several other posters would see a friend hit her daughter across the face and say nothing. I can't say I think much of you as people or as friends.

I can't say I think much of you as people or as friends.

If my friend was assaulted I'd suport her defending myself. If you would do anything else, I can't say I think much of you as a friend either.

As to your other scenerios which again aren't actually comparable I would say:

If the dog bit the owner first she should get it rehomed or trained,
I'd think she was an idiot for hitting back a violent dog though. Last I checked sending your 19 year old out for retraining wasn't legal. Although one poster did say she'd have the family booked in for therapy the next day how she'd demand her violent adult daughter go to therapy I am unsure though.

If the homeless man hit my friend I would support her to retaliate or I would support her in calling 999, however she dealt with the situation would be fine.

Why would it be different because he was homeless?

So glad I don't know you puddles. Good luck to you.

Oh and you - like so many people on MN - have a problem with simple comprehension.

I didn't ask what you would do if a homeless man hit your friend.

I asked what you would do if you saw your friend push a homeless person who annoyed them.

Do you see the difference - not just in all the nouns and verbs but in the actual sense of the sentence?

I never understood how so many kids fail comprehension tests until I went on MN.

I'd be suspicious about whether the daughter actually did what the mother said she did. Name calling and pinching?

Most men are physically larger than their partners, it's also part of a larger problem with male violence.

It has nothing to do with two adult females, where one is retaliating after being physically attacked.

It's not two strangers, though. The mother is in a position of power. Which is why she felt she could slap her daughter. She wouldn't slap any person.

Why is no one urging op to speak to the 19 year old and say her behaviour is unacceptable?

Why is there a presumption that the dd has learnt this behaviour from her mum?

Child-on-parent violence has always existed and is under reported because of love, loyalty and embarassment.

Yet again the parent is to blame because she is in a position of power.
Actually some parents feel utterly powerless in the face of their child's abuse.

I asked what you would do if you saw your friend push a homeless person who annoyed them.

But that doesn't make sense in the context of this entire thread. The Op didn't slap her daughter for "annoying" her. She slapped her after being physically assaulted. I think maybe you are having the issue with comprehension Why ask me how I would feel in an unrelated scenerio? I can ask you how would you feel if the moon were made of green cheese, but it's not really an analogy for this thread.

In your scenerio the homeless man is the OP's friend, the one physically attacked first. And then I would expect him to probably push my friend back. Which bit of the friend not being the initial aggresor do you not understand?

The mother is in a position of power. Which is why she felt she could slap her daughter. She wouldn't slap any person.

Holy fucking shit. The mother didn't slap her daughter for no reason. She is not "in the position of power". If anything, not knowing her age, I can assume a 19 year old is probably stronger than a middle aged woman.

Why are you all pretending that the agressor is not the daughter?

If I posted to say I attacked my mother and that the bitch slapped me back, would I get all these messages of support? poor me. Got slapped back.

Yet again the parent is to blame because she is in a position of power. Actually some parents feel utterly powerless in the face of their child's abuse.

Well, yes to the first. This mother can simply stop paying for her adult child and not welcome her at home. And report her to the police.

Also shocked at some of the no big deal answers on here.

To the OP should I intervene
Yes, of course you should intervene, you either break it up at the time and support the daughter (if you feel able) or if that feels unsafe you ring the police and tell them you've just witnessed an assault.

Understandable that you didn't, you were in shock, but perfect opportunity to think about how you'd handle similar situations next time.

If she's like this in public who knows what she's like at home, thank goodness the dd is away at school. And does anyone really believe the daughter piched her? Sounds more like a convenient excuse once she realised she'd been seen.

That's a very good point, @turnaroundbrighteyes the OP didn't see the daughter pinching her mum. The friend might well have made that up in order to minimise what she did.

Well, yes to the first. This mother can simply stop paying for her adult child and not welcome her at home. And report her to the police.

Oh so Dv within a family isn't a big deal and very easily remedied and mothers should just give up on their children, and that's the kinder gentler response than a smack back.

I assume you don't go on to threads with wives dealing with Dv and say "it's very simple just call the police and leave". because there is obviously a lot more going on there. And certainly most mothers would say that a relationship with a child is far more difficult to leave than a reationship with a man.

Holy fucking shit. The mother didn't slap her daughter for no reason. She is not "in the position of power". If anything, not knowing her age, I can assume a 19 year old is probably stronger than a middle aged woman.

For the record, I didn't excuse the daughter (see earlier posts).

But, a strong slap from a position of power (in which the mother certainly is, if nothing else, financially) is a disproportionate response to an insult and a pinch.

Oh so Dv within a family isn't a big deal and very easily remedied and mothers should just give up on their children, and that's the kinder gentler response than a smack back.

Not sure where you read that it isn't a big deal.

And, yes, for DV with adult children, it doesn't matter if it's kind or not. It's effective. Same as with partners. Getting out is better than responding with more physical violence.

Are you advocating that the mother keeps responding physically to this adult?

If I were mother to a 19 year old I would not report her to police and land her with a criminal record that could affect her career for life. CBS checks anyone?

Who seriously would do this to their child over a pinch? Get a grip.

Who seriously would do this to their child over a pinch? Get a grip.

You're really just trying to goad, aren't you?

Ok, I'll explain it properly.

Obviously, a pinch is not enough to call the police. A pinch would just require a "stop that, it hurt, don't do it again". Not a hard slap in front of everyone.
It really doesn't fall under "DV", just twattiness.

However, repeated hard pinches that leave marks would fall under DV.
If, as it was claimed, the poor mother suffered DV at the hands of her children the best response is not to slap their children. It is then, to cut contact, and if necessary to call the police.

A mother who slaps children hard in the street is not likely to fear her children, though. It looks more like lack of boundaries on both parts, as I wrote on my first post.