Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend slapped daughter hard

237 replies

Daffodildainty · 27/06/2018 09:09

Some friends were visiting from another country. Last night there was a mix up about the arrangements and I went out of the restaurant to meet my friend and her daughter - a 19 year old uni student . They were arguing on the pavement and as we entered the venue With me walking ahead of them I glimpsed my friend slap her daughter really hard across the face - I continued inside and eventually my friend arrived without her daughter who had returned to the hotel. She mentioned the slap but said her daughter had called her a name and pinched her hard to which she retaliated. I said it was not a good situation but took the cowards way out and didn’t tell her how shocking it was. We continued the evening. I feel badly for not intervening WWUD?

OP posts:
ivenoideawhatimdoing · 27/06/2018 10:11

Things happen? She slapped someone in the face...

Regardless of whether it’s her child or not you don’t slap someone! The OP didn’t see the daughter pinch her, just them both having an argument.

She saw the mother assault the daughter and she is very right to be shaken by it. How awful for the young girl, however, it was entirely unacceptable to pinch her mother if she did.

Just because it’s her kid doesn’t give her any excuse to lamp her.

adultchildalcoholicparents · 27/06/2018 10:12

I'm taken aback that some are OK with this tho' understand the uncertainty about how to broach this topic with a friend.

My mother slapped me as an adult. She did it because she could, she knew that I wouldn't retaliate as the idea of striking someone else, particularly a parent, was taboo.

Utterly charming when not drunk but the times when she was sober became shorter and shorter.

When she was drunk, she was verbally abusive and if she wasn't getting the reaction she wanted she would be physically abusive. And if she still didn't get the reaction she wanted that would fuel her anger and her blows were damaging and out of control.

It's not OK.

It's quite telling that I feel so much shame about this that I've name-changed. This is something that nobody in RL knows.

IIIustriousIyIIlogical · 27/06/2018 10:13

under what circumstances is it acceptable for another adult to slap your face?

If I've been physically inappropriate?
If I've been extremely verbally abusive?
If I've cheated on someone?
If I've killed their firstborn child & eaten its liver?

Aeroflotgirl · 27/06/2018 10:15

Yes they are both adults, but put it this way, what if it was a man slapping a woman across the face.

MissionItsPossible · 27/06/2018 10:15

I don’t think anyone (certainly not me) is saying hitting someone is acceptable but it’s the OP’ s use of the word intervene. Other than express disagreement which the OP did, what are they supposed to do to intervene between a mother and her adult daughter?

OP if it’s affected you I’d lose the friend.

WeirdScenesInsideTheGoldmine · 27/06/2018 10:16

I’m disgusted that you’re all ok with this

9amTrain · 27/06/2018 10:17

@mayandjuniper

It's not ok.

Lizzie48 · 27/06/2018 10:17

To me it sounds like a very dysfunctional mother-daughter relationship, if they're violent towards each other like that. The fact that your friend and her DD could just act like nothing had happened would suggest that violence has been normalised, which is very disturbing.

It's not about discipline, what your friend did was about retaliation, and I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that.

Luckystar777 · 27/06/2018 10:19

That's assault, the woman needs reported and I wouldn't have anything to do with her.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 27/06/2018 10:19

IIIustriousIyIIlogical

No you should never slap someone other than in self defence. If someone is verbally abusive to you then you walk away you don't resort to physical violence which will only escalate the situation.

Buggeredpelvicfloor2013 · 27/06/2018 10:19

Jesus christ, how can anyone say its OK to slap someone else in the face?! No, this is not normal behaviour, especially not to your own daughter. Your friend was completely wrong, what example is she setting her daughter? And as another person said, would it have been different if it were her father? Op, if it was me I would talk to my friend and explain what I had seen because depending on the response that would be enough to make me not want to be friends with that person anymore.

Serendipite · 27/06/2018 10:20

It may also be cultural. My mother used to be beat us up growing up.

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 27/06/2018 10:20

I am genuinely perplexed by some of these replies. What is it about this scenario that makes it not assault? Is it because it's mother on daughter or because it's woman on woman?

Mumsnet is unreal at times. Man slaps anyone and is wrong. Woman slaps anyone and there is always someone able to defend it.

Buggeredpelvicfloor2013 · 27/06/2018 10:23

Adultchild - I'm with you. It stays with you forever 💐

alligatorsmile · 27/06/2018 10:23

under what circumstances is it acceptable for another adult to slap your face?

If I've been physically inappropriate? No, you shout.
If I've been extremely verbally abusive? No, you get away.
If I've cheated on someone? No, you behave like an adult.
If I've killed their firstborn child & eaten its liver? No, you need professional help.

HTH

sadie9 · 27/06/2018 10:23

Someone who thinks it's okay to be slapped in the face by their mother will think it's okay for them to slap their child.
And if some man slaps them in the face that'll be okay too, because the message to yourself is 'if someone loves me and is annoyed with me, I can expect a slap in the face'.
If you let someone slap you in the face you are a punching bag not a person.

TwoGinScentedTears · 27/06/2018 10:28

All kinds of fucked up. I get why you didn't know what to do, but it's bothering you enough to ask us about it now and perhaps, with that in mind, you need to say something to your friend.

If nothing else, the relationship between mother and daughter will not blossom and your friend may be be too deep into a way of behaving to see that. As a friend you have the opportunity to help them. Take it.

corythatwas · 27/06/2018 10:28

This is a grown-up child so we are not talking of teaching a toddler not to run into the road here. We are talking about assault with no possible disciplinary intention.

If it was her husband slapping her instead would you:

a) be equally cool about it?

b) take his word for a pinch that you hadn't actually witnessed?

There is a rather naïve belief on parts of MN that adults never lie about children: that if an adult said a child (even a grown-up child) did something, then they must have done it and probably something worse. We don't give that sort of credit to adults speaking about other adults.

If I had seen someone slap somebody else hard in the face during an argument, I would not regard that person as a reliable source.

Lizzie48 · 27/06/2018 10:29

Even those who support the idea of parents smacking their child as a form of discipline wouldn't approve of a mother slapping her daughter's face, smacking is supposed to be on the hand, or the bottom or across the legs. And no way should it continue into adulthood.

I agree that if it had been a male partner or father doing it, there wouldn't have been anyone trying to justify it.

SheerKhan · 27/06/2018 10:29

I am afraid it is none of your business.
Why get people so offended when someone disciplines their own badly behaved child? The daughter must have said something really horrible to her mum to warrant a slap.
I regularly see doormat parents across Britain tolerating shitty behaviour from their kids. What are they trying to achieve with this doormat mentality? It leads you nowhere.

Buggeredpelvicfloor2013 · 27/06/2018 10:30

Sadie9 not true. I was beat as a child and have been through hell mentally and physically because of it. It has not made me a punchbag. Its made me a strong, loving mother who will always show my children how important they are through how I treat them.

FeralBeryl · 27/06/2018 10:32

Adding my voice of shock for those that think this is a 'meh, shit happens' kind of thing.
To add in the humiliation and disrespect of hitting someone, anyone, in the face is just wrong.
May get me a belt down the line but I would certainly call people out on this.

Sammymommy · 27/06/2018 10:33

@alligatorsmile what the hell???? If someone is sexually abusing us, we don't slap them, we scream like the frail, weak respectable we are? It is OK to defend ourselves physically if someone is touching us against our consent. A slap or a knee between the legs is just fine

Sparklesocks · 27/06/2018 10:35

I think there’s an element of ownership and control when adults hit their DC (no matter how old they are) especially if they are not violent towards anyone else. They don’t think the normal rules apply because it’s their DC and therefore they’re entitled to treat them how they please to keep them in line. Messed up. We’ve all had moments of frustration and we can all lose control, but really you should be able to avoid releasing your anger in that way by the time you’re an adult.

Lizzie48 · 27/06/2018 10:36

@SheerKhan this wasn't a mother disciplining a child. The daughter's an ADULT, 19 years old.