Friend slapped daughter hard

[Daffodildainty]

Some friends were visiting from another country. Last night there was a mix up about the arrangements and I went out of the restaurant to meet my friend and her daughter - a 19 year old uni student . They were arguing on the pavement and as we entered the venue With me walking ahead of them I glimpsed my friend slap her daughter really hard across the face - I continued inside and eventually my friend arrived without her daughter who had returned to the hotel. She mentioned the slap but said her daughter had called her a name and pinched her hard to which she retaliated. I said it was not a good situation but took the cowards way out and didn’t tell her how shocking it was. We continued the evening. I feel badly for not intervening WWUD?

As an aside, who pinches? That's the action of a small child.

Probably because she grew up with a mother who pinches her and slaps her, and who knows what else. Violence begets violence.

Or the 19 year old is just a nasty person.

Or the 19 year old is just a nasty person.

Sure, that's possible. She could have been born with the nasty gene and was destined to grow up violent no matter what.

And that's why Parents aren't open about this issue, because it is assumed the blame lies with them.

I think people are assuming that because this mum casually slaps her daughter across the face in the middle of the street and thinks nothing of it. If someone came on saying "my 19 year old daughter has pinched me hard and called me names" I doubt people would be blaming that person.

Birdsgottafly Sorry I'm not saying that in all cases where a child is physically violent, that it is because the parent has set that example. Of course there are other reasons why a child hits out. But it does sound in the case that OP observed, that the mother had probably previously used slaps as punishment for her DD if that was her response on this occasion. And I was just saying that IME, parental smacking creates resentment and can teach kids that that's how you deal with disagreements. Although being smacked didn't teach me to go on to smack my child, my mum's grabbing and shoving of DD when she is misbehaving just seems to have taught her that getting physical is how to deal with an argument. It depends on the individual kid, I guess. (Fortunately we will soon be leaving this domestic set-up)

The story about the mother on the bus threatening to kick her toddler in the buggy has genuinely made me feel sick and very upset. If ppl didn't say anything it's likely to be at least in part due to not having the guts to speak out. I wouldn't, but I think it's utterly disgusting.

Its not hysterical to find violence upsetting.
This.

What if it had been the father? I suspect most people would be a lot less blase then. It's really no different. I would have to tell them I found it disturbing, so YANBU.

Mrsharrison It's insane to assume that the mother taught the daughter how to pinch FFS! Even a two year old knows hot to pinch and cause pain to others without being taught.

I too can't understand all the 'what's the big deal?' comments. If OP had said her friends were a married couple and she witnessed the husband slap the wife hard across the face, would you be saying the same thing? No you wouldn't, you'd be saying you need to speak up for the sake of your friend and she needs to ltb! But because it was her child that makes it okay?

I would've walked away after telling her what I'd witnessed

Its not okay to slap someone but I do think if you get a painful pinch you can react in an impulsive way. Her daughter is 19 and had called her a horrible name. I'm sure she feels terrible about it. There are issues on both sides.

My DD1 (9) has violent meltdowns, she hurts both me and DD2. (They are adopted and she has SN connected with her start in life.) She stamps on my feet, hits me, she once tried to hit me with a rounders bat. She pinches and hits DD2 and once pushed her into a wall leaving her with a bruise. Their relationship as birth siblings has been damaged as a result. She also throws whatever is at hand and trashes her room.

I've learnt that the best response is to stay calm and stand my ground. There's no point in talking to her about what happened until she's got past her anger and is able to take in what I'm saying.

But it would still never be right for me to slap her across the face.

SheerKhan well yes, toddlers pinch and a reasonable parent would teach their small child that pinching is wrong and you don't do things to inflict physical pain on other people...so it would be reasonable to expect a 19 year old to have grown out of the pinching stage.

Like PPs have said, maybe 19 yr old is just an unpleasant person; she could have been set the best example in the world, granted, and still be horrid, but it still seems rather inappropriate for the mother to have a shouting argument and slap someone in the street, whether or not this is the case. Maybe she was at the end of her tether and snapped. But say this is true and she'd been so provoked by daughter's horrid behaviour that she slapped her, going out for dinner straight after seems a bit blase.

We don't know what the DD said to the mum. She might have made the whole thing up and just be an evil cow or it could be that her DD did actually say something spectacularly awful. They're both adults I suppose but that mums doing nothing to make her DD ever love her.

adults should be able to resolve conflicts without getting physical

In an ideal world yes, but we spend billions every year on entire groups of people whose job is to get physical (army, police) and I would share a table with a policeman or a soldier any day even if they are violent.

In an ideal world yes, but we spend billions every year on entire groups of people whose job is to get physical (army, police) and I would share a table with a policeman or a soldier any day even if they are violent.

But they operate under strict codes of conduct. They cannot get physical with someone just because they got called a name or were pinched.

It sounds like they have a difficult relationship, but realistically I'm not sure what OP could have done at the time. It depends on your friendship, if you only see her occasionally then you may or may not feel able to try to talk to her about improving the way she deals with her daughter. I can't see the point of walking out and refusing to have dinner with her or of refusing to see her again, unless your have reasons to not want to see her already. I think you need to either try to find out more and see if you can help her to turn it around or butt out.

I don’t know OP, despite all the posturing on the thread, what could you actually do? Tell her off?
Personally if you’re that uncomfortable maybe stop seeing her when she’s in the country

When I posted at the start of the thread I was really shocked by the poster before me. Now I’ve come back I’m absolutely disgusted! People actually think violence is acceptable?!
Op, what did your dd say?
Will you stay in contact with your friend?

If this had been a man slapping a girl this thread would be red hot, but as its a woman?.
Yes you should have said something, I wonder how many times she has done this before, and will do again.

My children are younger but if one of them pinched me when they were 19 my reaction would not be to slap them. I would be devastated and would be arranging family therapy for us to work on repairing our relationship and individual therapy for my daughter if this was an ongoing pattern of behaviour. That your friend just carried on with your dinner out suggests to me that this is normal behaviour in their relationship. I think I would send your friend an email stating how shocking you found the violence.

What would OP telling the woman off achieve though? It’s quite an arrogant idea, as though you just expect grown adults will stop behaviour because you don’t like it. That’s not realistic

Have you ever witnessed violence between the two of them before?

I don't think saying anything would achieve much. At a guess the violence is ingrained in the relationship, probably from very early on since she's comfortable slapping her daughter across the face in the street and then going on to eat dinner out.

People don't like others interfering in their relationships

It's insane to assume that the mother taught the daughter how to pinch FFS! Even a two year old knows hot to pinch and cause pain to others without being taught.

The point is that most 2 year olds are taught that hurting other people is wrong. They are explicitly told this by their parents and teachers, and taught how to resolve problems through talking or walking away. For whatever reason the DD in this scenario hasn't learned this. Given her mother's response of slapping her it isn't really much of a leap to suggest that her mother's attitude about violence being acceptable may have contributed to the DD behaving that way.

The cycle of violence needs to stop somewhere. Fortunately it is getting better - my DM's generation were regularly hit. Now it is pretty unusual (IME) for parents to think that battering their kids is a good idea. In other countries and cultures it may be different. But I'm certainly glad that violence isn't part of my day to day life tbh.