Friend slapped daughter hard

[Daffodildainty]

Some friends were visiting from another country. Last night there was a mix up about the arrangements and I went out of the restaurant to meet my friend and her daughter - a 19 year old uni student . They were arguing on the pavement and as we entered the venue With me walking ahead of them I glimpsed my friend slap her daughter really hard across the face - I continued inside and eventually my friend arrived without her daughter who had returned to the hotel. She mentioned the slap but said her daughter had called her a name and pinched her hard to which she retaliated. I said it was not a good situation but took the cowards way out and didn’t tell her how shocking it was. We continued the evening. I feel badly for not intervening WWUD?

the fact that you were hit and now think it's ok to hit is another example of how violence perpetuates violence.

Totally ignoring the large number of people who say that it's because they were hit that they don't.

It's almost like it doesn't actually have an effect one way or the other

But that won't fit with the Rhetoric eh??

Violence does perpetuate violence.

Not at a rate of 100% you are guaranteed to think it’s okay to hit someone because you have been hit, but don’t be reductive and say it’s not a time and time again seen phenomenon.

It’s like saying people who are abused never go on to abuse because some people who were abused say how awful it was to be abused. Think more about what you are saying.

Jesus, do people honestly think that hitting your child - whatever the age, is ok?!

Your child should only ever feel love from you. The rest of the world won't be so kind so they need to know that they won't experience violence at your hand.

Sometimes you need to be firm, or stern, but the minute you lay your hand on your child in anger, you're a shit parent.

Sometimes people just make me genuinely depressed...

Violence does perpetuate violence.

Except when it doesn't.....

Don't be ridiculous, you can parent and discipline your children without them ever feeling unloved. A deserved slap will never make your child question your love!
Being ignored or being given no rule on the other hand can make the kids feel a bit neglected .

IIIustriousIyIIlogical

There is actually a lot of evidence that illustrate that corporal punishment doesn't improve behaviour and makes someone more likely to be violent themselves. Note I said more likely as many people do break the cycle.

What OP has described isn't even corporal punishment though - it's an out of control physical argument in the street. The fact that her friend casually sat down to lunch afterwards implies it wasn't particularly unusual either.

The idea of general trends is not a difficult concept is it? Jeez.

A deserved slap will never make your child question your love!

wtaf? A deserved slap? Christ alive. I’d call that victim blaming.

A deserved slap will never make your child question your love!

A slap is never deserved. It just makes a child feel a) scared and b) resentful. You can impose rules without physically hurting a child.

But re the op; I’d not want to be friends with this woman really. I don’t think anyone slapping anyone hard in the face is something I would want to see. I can’t believe any normal person would then carry on with their jolly evening out after doing that. Really weird.

It’s not just one slap though is it? I can almost guarantee that your friend’s daughter has had a violent childhood. What are the real chances of this slap across the face being a first time thing? Also if she’s willing to do this in a public place in front of a friend what would she be willing to do in private?
Could you speak to the daughter to see if she needs help?
Also I would tell your friend that you find this entirely unacceptable behaviour.
A difficult situation for you OP but I’ve been in the daughters place and it’s not pleasant.

A deserved slap will never make your child question your love!

Yes it will. Speaking from experience, although I'd have thought it was obvious. Are you just on a wind-up?

Violence does perpetuate violence.

Except when it doesn't.....

And when is that?
Only when one individual decides not to pursue violence. Each person that chooses to be violent contributes to perpetuate violence. They don't break the chain.

Don't be ridiculous, you can parent and discipline your children without them ever feeling unloved. A deserved slap will never make your child question your love!

Never???

You know? You can discipline and parent without physical violence.

I'll rephrase it for you:
"You can parent and discipline your children without slaps or other forms of violence. And more effectively too."

Once again, a 19 year old shouldn't be disciplined as a child, she's an adult! And what the OP describes sounds more like a fight between 2 adults than a mum trying to discipline her DD - DD pinches her DM and mum responds by slapping her.

This is not about the rights and wrongs of corporal punishment, this is a sadly dysfunctional relationship between DM and DD.

Once again, a 19 year old shouldn't be disciplined as a child, she's an adult! And what the OP describes sounds more like a fight between 2 adults than a mum trying to discipline her DD - DD pinches her DM and mum responds by slapping her.

This is not about the rights and wrongs of corporal punishment, this is a sadly dysfunctional relationship between DM and DD.

I totally agree.

Hitting a child is bad, ineffective parenting. Fortunately it’s a lot less acceptable nowadays to do it than it used to be but some people still don’t have the skills to discipline and resort to hitting because they don’t understand how to raise their children in a better way. That’s not really relevant to this thread though, given that the young woman in question is 19 years old and not a child anymore. It wouldn’t be ok if she was 9, 19 or any other age. By 19 it’s not about discipline, it’s about the mother being a violent and dysfunctional person.

A deserved slap?

Would that be your defence in court?

Hint: it wouldn't work.

Actually a court would give credence to the defence of provocation in a case like this.

I’m inclined to reach out to the daughter and express concern and a sounding board - this runs the risk of the mother finding out but I probably need to take it- thoughts appreciated. I’m also inclined to message the mother, admit I am concerned and offer help if she needs it. I’m always concerned after engaging with them. I visited in Asia a couple of years ago and the daughter was only sleeping around 4 hours a night due to an insane timetable of training for a competitive sport, additional academic tuition and studying - straight A’s were required in every subject as well as sporting success. She also had to take classes representing her parents different cultures. It all cost a fortune but felt wrong

I was slapped in the face (and most other places) by my mum and dad, and I can assure you it's no less painful or humiliating when it's from a woman. Funnily enough, the last time my mum slapped my face I was 19 when she lost her temper because I swore, at which point I stopped going home in the holidays.

This would be a friendship breaker for me, and I'd happily tell them why.

Yes you’re allowed a preemptive strike. Not that the courts would be in the slightest interest in a slap around the face anyway

It's none of your business.

It's none of your business

It's become her business because she had to put up with this altercation happening in front of her. Anyway, whether it is her business or not isn't really the point, the OP can is allowed to disapprove and call time on the friendship if she feels strongly enough about it.

Or are you saying that she's obliged to stay friends because it isn't her business?

It's none of your business.

Out of interest, how bad do you think a violent act you witness has to be before it becomes your business?