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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend slapped daughter hard

237 replies

Daffodildainty · 27/06/2018 09:09

Some friends were visiting from another country. Last night there was a mix up about the arrangements and I went out of the restaurant to meet my friend and her daughter - a 19 year old uni student . They were arguing on the pavement and as we entered the venue With me walking ahead of them I glimpsed my friend slap her daughter really hard across the face - I continued inside and eventually my friend arrived without her daughter who had returned to the hotel. She mentioned the slap but said her daughter had called her a name and pinched her hard to which she retaliated. I said it was not a good situation but took the cowards way out and didn’t tell her how shocking it was. We continued the evening. I feel badly for not intervening WWUD?

OP posts:
MissionItsPossible · 27/06/2018 09:11

Intervene? She’s 19 years old, not 19 months.

Littlechocola · 27/06/2018 09:14

Why didn’t you say anything?
I wouldn’t be able to sit and eat with someone who felt that it was ok to assault another person.

IIIustriousIyIIlogical · 27/06/2018 09:22

I wouldn’t be able to sit and eat with someone who felt that it was ok to assault another person.

I would.

I understand that things are said & happen that may be dealt with differently to how I'd deal with it.

chirpyburbycheapsheep · 27/06/2018 09:31

Intervene? She’s 19 years old, not 19 months

Er. well it's not like the mother has only just met the daughter - I am assuming this is a pattern if the mother was blasé about it. If this was a husband who slapped his wife would you say the same? Or is it only adult daughters who should suck up abuse? Really really weird replies...…

Personally I couldn't be around someone like that but then I was abused as a child so know that the damage lasts well beyond 19 years old. But don't feel bad, it must have been a shock.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 27/06/2018 09:33

It sounds like they were both as bad as each other. They're adults, let them sort it.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 27/06/2018 09:36

I'm not sure what I could do to intervene other than express my shock to my friend. I don't think I'd want to be friends with someone who assaults people like that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/06/2018 09:38

Sit them down and talk to them?

My mother did this when I was a little younger (17/18). She was laying into me about something I’d done wrong again. We were in the car and she was dropping me off at the station for school. I called her a bitch under my breath. She whacked me with the back of her hand across the nose/face. It really hurt. She was regularly horrible to me throughout my childhood. Abusive. Vile behaviour.

I would love someone to have intervened and called out my mother’s behaviour. Perhaps your friend will see it is unacceptable. Perhaps her dd will see what she said and did is also very wrong. Why is this young woman pinching her mother? All of it is just very wrong and illustrates that smacking children is such a big no no.

I think I’d talk to them together and ask them what they were thinking. That you are sad and upset that they are treating eachother so badly. Be very clear that you consider them both to be adults and talk about mutual respect.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 27/06/2018 09:43

This reply has been deleted

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UpstartCrow · 27/06/2018 09:46

Its not hysterical to find violence upsetting.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 27/06/2018 09:50

ikeep a 19yo isn't a child. Is it OK for people to hit you, so long as you both understand the difference between a slap and a punch? No?

Hitting in self defence is acceptable. A hard slap in retaliation to a pinch is not.

mayandjuniper · 27/06/2018 09:52

My mum slaps me across the face occasionally when we argue badly. She just loses her temper. I get it. People just snap sometimes.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 27/06/2018 09:54

you don't believe in slapping your kids, fine, it's your own right to parent as your chose. None of your business if other parents make different choice, at least most people can understand the difference with abuse!

PickAChew · 27/06/2018 09:55

It doesn't make it acceptable, may

Snowysky20009 · 27/06/2018 09:59

I can't believe people think laying a hand on another person to inflict
Pain is ok! This is sad to read.

Some of you have either:-

A) lost the plot
B) think it's acceptable
C) is a learnt behaviour so believe it's ok
D) you do it too, so are minimising the behaviour

Physically or emotionally hurting another person is never ok!

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 27/06/2018 10:03

Bloody hell - is it OK for your friend to slap you if you piss her off? What about your boss? As long as they don't punch you of course! At what point does a child become an adult that can expect not be slapped?

MotherWol · 27/06/2018 10:04

To those posters who think it's not a big deal, would your reaction be different if it was the father hitting his 19 year old daughter?

IIIustriousIyIIlogical · 27/06/2018 10:05

B) - can be acceptable depending on circumstances.

Strugglingtodomybest · 27/06/2018 10:06

That would have upset me too OP, and like you I'm not sure that I'd have intervened as I'd have been shocked and wouldn't know what to say.

I'm guessing that the mother has used 'smacking' as a discipline method and the daughter has taken to using it back. I saw that happen with a few friends growing up when mothers didn't stop 'smacking' once the child was old enough to retaliate.

Pengggwn · 27/06/2018 10:07

That is assault. I wouldn't eat with someone I had just seen assault someone.

Myheartbelongsto · 27/06/2018 10:07

I would have told her that was not on. Does it make it OK that she was her daughter?

Sometimes I think some posters live on another planet.

worridmum · 27/06/2018 10:09

Remeber men are never allowed to lay a finger of women or children but women are allowed to slap everyone just as long as they dont punch..... wtf is wrong with people assult is never acceptable unlesd for self defence no amount of name calling ever justifys physical violence.

Ennirem · 27/06/2018 10:09

STUNNED that this is not a unanimous Shock. Seriously? What if she'd said her friend slapped her? You can't just go around assaulting people. Leaving aside the debate about whether it's OK for parents to slap their children as a means of discipline (bloody obviously not, but I understand there's opposing views) the 19 year old is not a child. Not OK for her to pinch her mum; NOT ok for her mum to slap her!

And yes I agree with others that if her mum is so casual about belting her across the face as a grown woman she is very likely to have done this and things like it before when she was too young to fight back.

Lose the friend OP.

Sparklesocks · 27/06/2018 10:10

YANBU – adults should be able to resolve conflicts without getting physical. I argue with members of my family without smacking them round the face…

Ennirem · 27/06/2018 10:10

IllustriouslyLogical under what circumstances is it acceptable for another adult to slap your face?

SeaEagleFeather · 27/06/2018 10:11

rises to the bait

Slapping someone across the face is about inflicting humiliation, even where cultural acceptance of violence is different. It's why police in abusive regimes do it. Hitting in the body is about force and inflicting pain; in the face is about humiliation and asserting direct personal power.

In all countries, even ones where smacking a child isn't outlawed, it's illegal to commit assault on another adult.

I'm not sure I'd have said much either,not much good would come of it, but it would have tainted the evening and the friendship.