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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting up with baby at night

250 replies

owltrousers · 26/06/2018 07:34

We have a 5 month old baby, DH and I share night waking duties - he does one night, I do the next. On average getting up 2-3 times a night.

All my family and his are AMAZED that he still gets up even though he works 9-5 and I get to stay at home on maternity leave. They act like I should be extremely grateful.

Personally I think this way is fair and right, equal parents - equal responsibilities and its not like my day is a doddle, its 12 hours of childcare with very little time to myself.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Bumpitybumper · 26/06/2018 19:52

@SmileyTee123
Please don't even try and present your martyrdom as something that other women should be trying to replicate. Shame on him for going home and leaving you in such a state.

Pengggwn · 26/06/2018 19:52

GreatDuckCookery

I think I may have imploded.

Pengggwn · 26/06/2018 19:54

Hell, even when I was in the hospital after giving birth to our son and had stitches from an episiotomy, which I was in extreme pain from, and I was almost passing out every time I stood up due to losing a pint and a half of blood, I still told my partner to go home and get some rest and get a bath and eat and to come back the next day.
You are EXTREMELY lucky that your OH helps you out.

But, in the most respectful way possible, that's strange. It is nothing to do with fairness that you wished to make a martyr of yourself.

SharronNeedles · 26/06/2018 19:55

Adults who make a baby together should take responsibility for the baby together
However that works for you.

oblada · 26/06/2018 20:03

Surely it depends on baby and individual needs generally! I don't cope with lack of sleep whereas my DH can make do with very short nights. With my first DD he would bring her to me to feed whenever she woke up. When she was older (I was back at work then) he would try to resettle her on his own if possible.
With my other two children I realised that co-sleeping would be much easier and that's what I've done, so I've not had any sleep issue really. My second one was a dream to have on mat leave, she'd sleep loads generally, fed well and was easily content. I did housework/cooking/walking the dog but more generally lounged around feeding her and watching series! It was fab! On the days I had both kids it was more hectic...

53rdWay · 26/06/2018 20:13

Yes poor poor partner! How on earth can you expect a MAN to be a bit tired?! Don't you realise he is a MAN? Shocking behaviour.

Grin well indeed. Can’t expect men doing their important man jobs to be tired at work, the sky would fall in! Meanwhile, dealing with 100% of the night wakings while being in full-time care of a tiny baby, well women should just suck that up as their lot in life and stop complaining.

Weird how nobody comes to rescue you when you’re a woman going back to work with a night-waking baby, though. Best you get is some tutting about not having the baby in a good routine yet. Our jobs must be less important, somehow.

Willyoujustbequiet · 26/06/2018 20:34

Yanbu he should pull his weight and parent equally. That includes nights.

If other women want to be mugs more fool them.

Lethaldrizzle · 26/06/2018 20:55

So me wanting to breastfeed makes me a mug. Gee thanks

Stopandlook · 26/06/2018 21:01

YANBU, whatever works and keeps you both sane.
I was the same, and some friends did give me a funny look when I said we shared the night wakings. I breastfed, DH settled. It worked. He had a v demanding job (doctor) so I know I’m lucky. But I struggled with a clingy baby who didn’t nap and I was very anxious without sleep and as a first time mum.

SharronNeedles · 26/06/2018 21:03

Lethal who said that?

Sleeplikeasloth · 26/06/2018 21:04

I guess it's a lot easier to think a randomer on the internet is unreasonable, than your own partner.

Lethaldrizzle · 26/06/2018 21:04

Sharron - i did all the night feeding cos was breast feeding

GameOfMinges · 26/06/2018 21:07

You are EXTREMELY lucky that your OH helps you out.

Her OH isn't helping her out. He's taking an equal share in the night time parenting of his own child.

MrsRonBurgundy · 26/06/2018 21:09

My DH does night feeds. We split the nights so he does the first half and I do the second so he gets a good few hours of solid sleep before his alarm.
Some people have been aghast at this and asked why I don't sleep when the baby sleeps. However i use this time to run my house. I do all the housework, laundry, shopping and cooking for DH hasn't done any of this since our DC was born. If I gave him the option of helping at night or helping with the chores he'd stick with what he's doing now!

Only exception is when he has a long drive for Work the next day then I'll do the full night so he gets a good kip before a drive but this is only usually once a month

InNeedOfALieInNow · 26/06/2018 21:10

You are EXTREMELY lucky that your OH helps you out.

This is one of the strangest things I ever read. Why is she lucky that her OH does his fair share of caring for the child they made together?

My OH is out of the house 6am til 7 or 8pm 5 days a week. He also does more work in the evening. I don’t consider myself lucky that he helps. I see it that we are parents with shared responsibilities and his are out of the home for some of the day. But when he’s home it’s our shared responsibility. Both looking after children and housework wise

MrsRonBurgundy · 26/06/2018 21:10

Smiley shame on your partner if he listened to you and left you with the baby when you were in that amount of pain and nearly passing out - nobody should aspire to what you've described!

SharronNeedles · 26/06/2018 21:12

Lethal yeah uhu I understand that...however no one said that that makes you a mug.
I also breastfed, well done. Doesn't mean my DH didn't help me out. Not every single time a baby wakes is for food. Sometimes they just don't want to sleep. Sometimes they've pooped. I'm sure this has been mentioned several times on here. My DH changed plenty of nightime nappies, did plenty of burping and rocking in the pushchair so I could get some sleep. He parented because he understood that being a new parent (note I said parent, not mother) means disturbed sleep and doing whatever it takes to help us function as a family.

InNeedOfALieInNow · 26/06/2018 21:14

There are so many posts on here that suggest being a nanny and a cleaner isn’t work. I’m sure nannies and cleaners would disagree. And would protest even more loudly if they were trying to do both jobs, at once, after being up multiple times a night.

LaurieMarlow · 26/06/2018 21:18

lethal no one's implying that and you know it. But even when mum is breast feeding dad can help take the pressure off by seeing to nappy changes/winding at night.

OddBoots · 26/06/2018 21:23

We are all individuals and what works for you may not work for others and vice versa.

If you are working as a team you will each have the other one's needs as priorities so neither of you would take the piss in terms of what you expect of the other both in terms of your general systems and how you adapt if either of you were ill or if one of you had an exceptionally bad night or some other short term thing.

When my ds was born dh was working 80h weeks (oh the joy of Y2K for an IT worker), no way could he do anything at night but when dd arrived a couple of years later he was only doing 50h we agreed that dh would get up to ds and I would get up to dd and it worked for us.

reetgood · 26/06/2018 21:35

I don’t see the point in both parties being knackered in the interest of fairness, especially with breastfed babies. Our son is 5 months old, I’m still on maternity leave. He’s exclusively breastfed. The way we split it is that my partner will help with putting down at beginning of night, and takes him early am so I get a couple of extra hours. My partner is terrible at napping. I don’t think you’re lucky, it works for you but not how I’d choose to do it!

RedForFilth · 26/06/2018 21:43

I told him from the get-go that I would gladly get up during the night with the baby and never expect him to do it. well then you're a fool! And any half decent partner/parent would get up with their child.

OP many posters sound bitter and jealous. I'm a single parent working full time in a stressful job (luckily I love it) and would expect equality from my relationship. Men do not need to be infantilised by women when it comes to parenting - they are just as capable of being a decent parent.

On the flip side, I don't think saying being at home with a baby is harder than working. They're both challenging just in different ways! And I always think people who say they go to work for a break either have ridiculously easy jobs or don't put any effort in!

53rdWay · 26/06/2018 21:50

And I always think people who say they go to work for a break either have ridiculously easy jobs or don't put any effort in!

Hmm well thanks for that. I always think that people who say babies are easier than going to work had a different kind of baby than I did, and probably aren't just lazy bad people.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 26/06/2018 21:52

Dh has never done a night feed. Both my babies have been breastfed and I just don't see the point in both of us being exhausted. I am also very aware that dh does a difficult and intense job in which a small slip up can lose a client millions of pounds. He's out of the house from 7:30am often until 10pm and I don't want him working while he is tired as that could seriously impact us as a family.

I think whether going to work or staying at home is the easier option depends on the child and the job - it's impossible to generalise. But I did feel like I went back to work for a rest! I don't feel as though our arrangement is unequal though, provided I get to sleep on weekends when I need to.

Whatever works for you, OP!

RedForFilth · 26/06/2018 22:00

53rdWay my son was difficult and I was alone. He still doesn't sleep through aged three. But I don't find it harder than managing lots of people whilst caring for service users and advocating for them. They're equally as hard as each other. And I love them both! Obviously I love my son more tho! And I never called anyone bad or lazy, that's possibly you projecting?