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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting up with baby at night

250 replies

owltrousers · 26/06/2018 07:34

We have a 5 month old baby, DH and I share night waking duties - he does one night, I do the next. On average getting up 2-3 times a night.

All my family and his are AMAZED that he still gets up even though he works 9-5 and I get to stay at home on maternity leave. They act like I should be extremely grateful.

Personally I think this way is fair and right, equal parents - equal responsibilities and its not like my day is a doddle, its 12 hours of childcare with very little time to myself.

AIBU?

OP posts:
53rdWay · 26/06/2018 13:28

How many of you saying the night feeds should be shared would be happy to switch roles with the wohp?

Plenty of us are WOHP.

Skyejuly · 26/06/2018 13:35

My OH usually does 3 out of 4 nights and he always wants to be the one sleeping with them downstairs if they are ill so I can sleep. It's just the way he is. He wants to be as invested in childcare as me. I don't expect him too but he does anyway. He works 8am-5/6pm. I don't work.

LeighaJ · 26/06/2018 13:41

I also agree with posters who said they think jealousy is behind a lot of the negative responses to the OP.

Cuz when there is a post by someone on mat leave whose husband never does any night feeds and the woman is absolutely exhausted, the responses are quite different!!!

Pengggwn · 26/06/2018 13:42

arethereanyleftatall

Well, firstly, I did. We split the parental leave 50/50. Secondly, I regret it, because I worked harder as the WOHP than he did (not his fault). Thirdly, that isn't always going to be the issue: the emotional benefit of being at home to one person might be worth more than it is to the other person. Not wanting to go back to work soon after having a baby doesn't mean work is harder.

Germantree · 26/06/2018 13:49

I don't think yabu... people are conditioned to think that going out to work is harder than staying at home with a baby and therefore whoever goes out should get more sleep. Bollocks. The way dh and i see it is we are both working during the day, me at home with dd and him out and if anything my day is longer than his as I don't get a break on the morning train commute, or a guaranteed lunch break. Then at night we split the work equally to reflect that. I get up and make the feeds up fresh while he sleeps through the baby beginning to stir, then he does the actual feed while I sleep then I clean and sterilise all the bottles in the morning.

Suresurelah · 26/06/2018 13:50

DH and split the feeds (DD is 7 months also), he feeds her at 10pm ish and I do the 2am feed. DH, also wanted to take an active role and in the first few months he would generally do most of the night feeds.

@owltrousers ignore the negative comments!

Suresurelah · 26/06/2018 13:50

And l!

usernotfound0000 · 26/06/2018 13:54

YANBU!

My DH insisted on doing his share despite me telling him he didn't have to. And no, I didn't nap during the day as DD only ever napped in 20 minute cycles and I can't fall asleep that easily! As long as it suits you both, do what you are happy with!

WellAndTrulyCurbed · 26/06/2018 13:55

I don't think it's unreasonable to share night duties when both parents are home. Expecting a parent to work AND get up during the night seems harsh. Especially if the working parent is driving to their job. I would also imagine that sleep deprivation in some jobs could verge on dangerous.

I do think that during waking hours when both parents are home, responsibilities should be shared.

Being home is pretty easy overall. Plenty of down time which makes a huge difference. Had to laugh at the tea break comment. WTF? lol

Sleeplikeasloth · 26/06/2018 13:57

It's got nothing to do with who has the harder day either (personally I find being at home with baby much easier than work though), but about both people having the opportunity to sleep, so neither are exhausted.

As far as I see it, getting a certain minimum of sleep is a basic need, like eating or drinking, and as a couple you should work together to minimise the effect of night waking by sharing whoever possible.

Pengggwn · 26/06/2018 13:57

Being home is pretty easy overall. Plenty of down time which makes a huge difference.

So what would you say to someone like me, who has been in stressful jobs both in and outside the public sector, and has had a baby, and who found being at home with a small baby harder than being in work?

Is it that I am an incompetent parent, or is it that you are an incompetent employee?

Perhaps it's just that people are different.

newcupcake · 26/06/2018 13:59

YANBU !!! 50/50 all the way I say ! To all those who say being at home is easier and you get plenty of down time then good for you but not all
Children allow that. I have 3 under 5 at home and it's exhausting , when I go to work it feels like a holiday ! I'm with the OP , time on your own driving to and from work , lunch breaks and tea breaks at work makes for an easier day than being at home with children all day. Luckily my husband agrees and we split everything we can Childcare wise when he is at home

53rdWay · 26/06/2018 14:02

I would also imagine that sleep deprivation in some jobs could verge on dangerous.

It could. But so could sleep deprivation when looking after a baby. I came really close to falling asleep on the sofa with my baby in my arms a few times; I dread to think how many lives would have been in danger if I’d been driving on days like that.

BarryTheKestrel · 26/06/2018 14:05

I don't think YABU at all.

In the early days of getting up multiple times a night we did shifts so 9pm-2am, 2am -7am. We both got sleep and we both got up. If it was 1:55am the person on the next shift got up and dealt with it because it's clearly going to take longer than 5 mins.

Once she started sleeping through more we then did one night on one night off, so no one had more than one nights disturbed sleep.

DS is due in October and we are planning on doing the same. It really worked for us as DD didn't nap well at all so napping during the day wasn't an option for me.

Whatever get you and yours through the day is all that matters. If he is happy doing it and it isn't affecting his work at all I really don't see the problem or why it's anyone elses business.

Bumpitybumper · 26/06/2018 14:08

@Deehit
owltrousers you are very very lucky. My partner never does night feeds and works 8-4 he doesn't work weekends and even then refuses to do them
No, I think your perception is skewed by your own experience. OP has a DP that his pulling his weight as a father and partner. This isn't unusual and to be honest should be the norm. The fact that you have a lazy and unhelpful partner doesn't mean that the rest of us are lucky to have decent partners. Rather than telling OP she is fortunate I suggest you have some serious words with your partner about what would be fair and reasonable in your scenario.

SuperUnicorn · 26/06/2018 14:24

Do what works for you. I do all feeds as baby is breastfed and my oh has useless man nipples. We co sleep as I can feed and sleep that way.

My baby has never napped in the day, so once up he is full on until he goes to bed (which is 10.30/11pm ish). My oh works 6.30am - 9pm every day (no weekends off) so I'm solo all that time with no break (apart from days oh manages to get home for lunch). I then get approx one hour when he gets in to clean, make his tea, do laundry etc before needing to do bedtime feed. Sounds horrific but honestly it isn't that bad. Some days nothing gets done.

Now my little one is 14 months and super active he has just started taking an hour nap in the afternoon so I can run round manically doing all the things I need to get done.

Spaghettijumper · 26/06/2018 14:35

YABU -don't you know that once you become a mother you cease to be a human being with needs and become a Man And Child Support Unit - a machine that is expected to keep going day and night on no sleep, no matter how ill or tired you are. You are supposed to do without all the things that humans normally need - sleep, free time, the ability to pee on your own - and happily let your family wipe their feet on your face.

Meanwhile the Big Important Man must never be disturbed because what he does is always massively essential (unlike the complete nonsense you engage in, I mean who needs to actually look after a baby!).

Always remember also, that for you childcare is just one of your womanly functions, something you do without any effort and that doesn't deserve any thanks, like peeing. But for Big Important Men, childcare is very very difficult so as soon as they change a nappy they need huge praise and perhaps a cookie.

Lethaldrizzle · 26/06/2018 14:41

Being at home with a baby can indeed be harder than going to work, no doubt, but you don't have to interact with other human beings and necessarily and machinery and technology etc. I think it's fairer for the sahp to do most of the night feeds. I bf all mine so I did all the night feeds anyway.

Glassofredandapackofcrisps · 26/06/2018 14:46

Yes, sorry if he's working he should get s full nights sleep.
I'm a single mother, all nights solo.
My dd is 2 and has slept through precisely twice.
I'm not complaining, I went into motherhood knowing sleepless night are part and parcel.
When I hear people whining about sleep deprivation it does make them sound pretty pathetic.

Spaghettijumper · 26/06/2018 14:48

So sleepless nights are part and parcel of motherhood, while men don't have to worry at all about it?

Buggeredpelvicfloor2013 · 26/06/2018 14:55

With our DD my DH will openly admit he didn't do enough, especially at night. He did none of them. I ended up with severe sleep deprevation and postnatal (obviously not just due to sleep deprevation!!) I was shattered and I swear if anyone else had told me to sleep when she slept (which was bloody never) I could have killed them with a rusty fork. We learnt our lesson and now with DS we do a night each. It works better for us, it's DHs choice as well as mine and it helps us no end. Yes hubby 'works' during the day but I consider looking after two kids and a household work too, especially when I'm fitting in Kit days for work.

LaurieMarlow · 26/06/2018 15:17

These threads are so exasperating Confused

People's experiences of being a SAHM are all radically different, depending on the baby, other children and the health/temperament of the mother. People's jobs are radically different. Some are full on all day, others are more relaxed. People have varying degrees of tolerance of broken sleep.

There's no 'right' way. Couples need to find a system that suits them, that ensures both parents are as well rested as they can be. What other people do or think is of no relevance.

OneStepSideways · 26/06/2018 15:18

In your shoes I would be very grateful! I have a large circle of female friends and when they were on mat leave they did all the night wakings during the week.
My DH helped the first month, but then it became my responsibility as I could nap with the baby. He needed to be well rested and alert enough to cope with his commute and a high pressure job, while I could zone out in front of CBeebies!

LaurieMarlow · 26/06/2018 15:19

When I hear people whining about sleep deprivation it does make them sound pretty pathetic

What an empathetic person you are then. Hmm

You do realise sleep deprivation is a firm of torture and can have serious implications for mental health?

53rdWay · 26/06/2018 15:25

When I hear people whining about sleep deprivation it does make them sound pretty pathetic

By ‘people’ you mean ‘mothers’, right? After all, it’s oh so very important that fathers get a full night’s sleep every single night...