Getting up with baby at night

[owltrousers]

We have a 5 month old baby, DH and I share night waking duties - he does one night, I do the next. On average getting up 2-3 times a night.

All my family and his are AMAZED that he still gets up even though he works 9-5 and I get to stay at home on maternity leave. They act like I should be extremely grateful.

Personally I think this way is fair and right, equal parents - equal responsibilities and its not like my day is a doddle, its 12 hours of childcare with very little time to myself.

AIBU?

Sharron, it definitely is just optimism at this point! It will be my first baby. I've not done this before. Absolutely petrified. No idea what to expect.

I guess it will be ten times harder than what I'm imagining. It's perfectly fine for me to state all this in principal but the reality is at this point is really is just optimism and hope. I may be spouting a completely different tune in a few months!

I agree though, parenting on no sleep probably isn't a good idea. At this point I'll just have to take each day as it comes and see how it goes.

It’s up to you as s couple to decide but we have a 6 month old and I’m on mat leave whilst DH is at work with a very early start time. I do ALL of the night feeds/wakings as I don’t have to wake up at s specific time in the morning, that said I rarely nap in the day, I just can’t do it unless I’m exhausted. We have had words though about his lack of getting up at the weekends-i think he should be doing the odd night so I get to sleep through but he says the classic ‘I didn’t hear her’ ‘by the time I wake up you’re already seeing to her’ etc etc

@AnneLovesGilbert Yes we are! DH always wanted to be able to do everything I can do in regards to childcare, he never wanted to be one of those dads that only does the fun bits.

I just thought it was a generally interesting topic to discuss!

“Ignore those saying you are lazy, they are just jealous“

This! Some people like to wear it like a badge of honour, like a rough labour, exclusive extended BF or a natural birth. It’s just another way to shame mothers/women.

Also, “sleep when the baby sleeps” is the biggest amount of bollocks I’ve ever heard. Okay, I’ll do that, and I’ll do the dishes when baby does dishes, and hoover when the baby hoovers

I wouldn't expect my husband to get up in the night when he had work the next day. He used to take the baby after I'd fed him in the evening and I'd go for a bath or bed early. Overnight baby wanted me, as I was breastfeeding so no point in husband getting up. Weekends he'd get up and take baby downstairs, he likes to wake early...I do not! Ha. Tbh I think when your on maternity leave, you should be doing the nights. When you go back to work, then divide it

I always look at it like this. If you hired a full time nanny during the day to look after your child because both parents worked would you also expect it was ok for that nanny to do all the nightwakings? Surely the answer is no, because they (nanny) have a full time job. So why is it different just because the mother is a mother and not a paid nanny. If your job was a full time nanny for another family/baby surely you wouldn’t be expected to do all the night wakings for your own baby just because your job was working with a child?

The argument is in bare bones a who is the most tired/who has the hardest job one. There’s no answer to that - out at work potentially means an uninterrupted lunch break/seat on the train to read a book for half an hour etc whereas Home with the baby may mean a nap (but may not) and probably means zero time to yourself all day. Being a mother is a job, albeit unpaid, and it’s as relentless and often as unrewarding as many career roles would be.

I’d split the night into shifts so you both get a stretch of uninterrupted sleep - one of you does wakings until 1 and the other does the wakes from 1-5. I think it’s fair to share them regardless of the fact you’re not “out” at work

If it works for you and Dh fine , however you get an hours nap in the day, with a 5 month old not really moving it is much easier to get everything done while singing chatting to baby and not moving . It gets harder once they are to n the move.

So yes I do think you should do at least 2 nights to his one

It always strikes me as funny that people act like women should do all the night wakings because they are at home all day with the baby, but then when the women go back to work and the baby goes to nursery... they’re still expected to do all the night wakings

@InNeedOfALieInNow Indeed! lots of sense in your post.

We used to split the shifts as you suggested but now DS wakes at 8.30 / 10.30 and then 5.30 so it wouldn't always fall fairly. With our method now at least one of us gets a good sleep usually.

@Pumpkinpie789 Its a bit mad isn't it? I feel like care of the baby being primarily the mums job is a bit of a deep rooted issue. Its interesting to see other peoples opinions.

All the people saying how unfair it is are likely the ones who accepted the socially conditioned idea that stay at home mothers (including those on mat leave) accept 24/7 responsibilities for childcare and all things domestic, whilst working fathers can expect to live their pre baby life pretty much uninterrupted save for perhaps one early start on the weekend.

Your choice if you chose / choose to accept this outdated notion and if it works for your family that's great but the op and others who are offered and expect an equal contribution from their partners should not be berated for it. There are plenty of us out there.

whatshallidonow, speak for yourself.

If it works for you both then all is well. However I certainly think it is unreasonable for your partner to be taking turns getting up with the baby at night when he has to go to work. Yes looking after a baby is a full time job, but as I am sure you already know it is difficult to function fully within the workplace when you do not get enough sleep and the demands placed upon you.

mega wow....never before has a point been taken and a rebuttle made so nicely on MN before. I hope you're plan does work out the way you want it to!

OP all our families operate differently and while we all always say live and let live, we are forever judging others for doing it differently (hence people calling you lazy).

YABVU. It’s much fairer for him to take on more housework so he can organise that around his work meaning you have more time to sleep in the day when the baby is napping. That way his performance and health won’t be affected and you can have more time to rest in the day.

It’s only really fair to do this if you have a baby who doesn’t sleep or won’t let go. Maternity leave is there exactly to reflect the fact it’s impossible to do both night feeds and work well.

It’s a bit stupid doing this anyway, if your DP is tired and distracted at work and it affects his performance that could impact on your whole family in terms of income.

Split the weekends. When you go back to work split it then if you need to.

I don't think it's unreasonable for your husband to get up with the baby. Ok, perhaps not multiple times every night, but it's bloody hard being at home with a baby too. Especially if you have a high maintenance one.

Mine rarely slept during the day and mostly screamed so there was no chance of me sleeping. On the rare occasions he did nap, I was so wired I found it impossible to sleep!

So yes, I did expect him to help me out at night. I would have given anything to trade places with my husband and gone back to work. He even told me that he went to work to rest! No question that being at home 24/7 is harder. Well, it was in my experience anyway.

YANBU. Start as you mean to go on.

As long as he's safe to drive and do his job? Crack on.

My DD2 would only nap during the day in 20 min chunks. Totally useless for me to try napping at the same time as her. The rest of the time she was a little cling-on; couldn't be apart from me for a moment. So not all mums on mat leave get to nap during the day.

I suppose it depends how 'easy' the baby is mine was bloody awful

DS had reflux & milk allergy, would only settle lying on me or woke up half hourly when in the cot. It was horrendous & added on I had a back injury which was exacerbated by his birth, I was on my knees. So yes, I did expect my DH to share the load at night, despite working full time.

We also have an older DD who was full on I was beside myself with exhaustion. If I was able to sleep in the day, it wouldn't have been an issue, but I couldn't

YANBU. You alternate nights, so I would imagine your DP is doing fine with work.

We had a non-napping baby - for ages her typical nap time was about 30 minutes or nothing at all, and for the first few months she'd only sleep curled up on our chests, so you couldn't sleep when she slept - and it would have been stupid for only one of us to do the night waking. We'd have died.

I do see that perhaps if you have a very sleepy baby or a working parent with an incredibly tiring job, things might be different - but that's not you!

My baby is now 12 weeks old and had now mastered sleeping through the night but until she did she woke once during the night. She sleeps in our room so we would both get up - I’d change her nappy and DH would give her a bottle. She would go straight back to sleep after this so we were awake about 30-40 mind. It was never an issue and we both accepted as parents we would both have nights where we would have to get up.

I can get the occasional nap but mentally you can’t switch off when you’re with a newborn all day, which personally I find more tiring. You’re not lazy, you just have a partner who recognises that he has a responsibility towards his child too.

Possibly a little bit.
It's bloody knackering working and being up all night. I guess you'll find that out if you go back to work. Maybe you could do 2 nights in 1 off?
Your ILs are well out of order though. None of their business.

Threads like these, btw, really make me notice the difference between babies. I have an NCT friend - who is lovely - who panicked at around 10 months because her DS was going down from three regular two-hour naps in the day to two. I don't think my eyebrows have ever hit my hairline so fast.

I breastfed but on a Wednesday, Friday & Saturday night DP would go and get baby, change nappy, wind after feed and resettle.

I’d have Saturday morning as my lay in after baby had been fed and then I’d get up with baby Sunday morning so he got a lay in too. It worked well for us.

Oh the amazing magic of leaving your house to do your job - the fact that SAHM's are using their body and brain often equally hard or harder has no relevance because they're not getting paid or attending a Work place therefore their labour just doesn't count in the eyes of society.

Yes there are days when I sit down for an hour in nap time. Mostly however I'm doing laundry/cleaning/tidying/organising. My DH does pretty much none of that now. We generally share bedtime but often I'll spend another hour in the evening finishing off chores etc while he lazes - because it all comes under 'my' remit of 'house'.

If you wrote it all out on an 'hours spent' basis I know I'd be losing.

I let my husband sleep in spare room without 4 month old! He works every day so I can stay home with our baby? I don't know if it's fair he has to work all day and you can rest after being up all night? What are your reasons he should get up?

I think with one baby you should be doing most of the night wakings as you can choose to do as little or as much as you want the next day, and there will be some opportunities to nap, or just physically rest. I would prioritise sleep over everything though so don't do housework if you've got an opportunity for sleep because the baby is asleep. Your DH can help with the chores instead.

With my first I did all night wakings in the week and at the weekend we took a night each and gave each other a long lie in each day too. My DH would cook dinner each night when he got home from work at around 7pm.

The only exception was if the baby was having a bad night and I couldn't settle him, and then he would help - mostly because I'd be at my wits end and DS has always been a horrid sleeper.

Now we have two it's not possible to nap in the day but eldest DS still wakes around 4am every night so DH deals with him while I look after the baby and she's a good sleeper so tends to only wake once most nights anyway. Weekends we share with the baby and he still has charge of the toddler.