Getting up with baby at night

[owltrousers]

We have a 5 month old baby, DH and I share night waking duties - he does one night, I do the next. On average getting up 2-3 times a night.

All my family and his are AMAZED that he still gets up even though he works 9-5 and I get to stay at home on maternity leave. They act like I should be extremely grateful.

Personally I think this way is fair and right, equal parents - equal responsibilities and its not like my day is a doddle, its 12 hours of childcare with very little time to myself.

AIBU?

yanbu

continuing to be able to function normally as an adult who sleeps at night (at least half the time) and isn't constantly trying.to catch up on day time naps will make such a difference to you.

You dh is also being very clear sighted by doing this as it will probably help your relationship in the short, medium and lomg term. You won't feel crazed by lack of normal sleep, you won't resent him, you may feel you have time to spend with him as adults. Could save your marriage.

Win win all round as long as the working parent is in a normal job and not operating heavy machinery and the like. Also you will feel able to do some housework during the day so he can come home to something that isn't chaos. You will feel better able to look after the baby, take them out places and give them the best start.

Your day time job is as important and difficult as his. It's as dangerous to he sleep deprived in charge of kids than in any other job!

Glassofredandapackofcrisps

"I'm a single mother, all nights solo.
My dd is 2 and has slept through precisely twice.
I'm not complaining, I went into motherhood knowing sleepless night are part and parcel."

The OP went into motherhood with a partner willing to share the load equally so it's not remotely the same situation as yours. HTH.

"When I hear people whining about sleep deprivation it does make them sound pretty pathetic."

Or in my case it triggers manic episodes, luckily those aren't a big deal that cause any problems.

@53rdWay
Exactly, complete and utter double standards.

A working man suffering the odd night of sleep will
allegedly lead to poor performance, risk his or other people's safety and lead to him falling asleep on the job.

Whereas a woman on maternity leave should be able to cope with constant broken sleep without sacrificing her ability to engage and nurture her child. She must also be able to muster the required concentration to drive herself and DC around safely and to be vigilant enough to keep the child safe in all other situations. I notice the people advocating that the OP does ALL the night
wakings think that OP falling asleep whilst in sole charge of a baby represents less of a risk than a their DP falling asleep in an office . On top of all that if the mother even has the cheek to complain their tired then they are obviously pathetic. ...

Don't forget that when the woman returns to work she is magically able to cope with the broken nights that would allegedly have made it completely impossible for her husband / partner to do his job.

Bumpity - I never really drove my kids around anywhere. I walked and cycled with them.

@Lethaldrizzle
Same principle. You definitely need your wits about you cycling, possibly moreso than driving.

Today 11:12 @PrincessCuntsuelaVaginaHammock

Of course you're not BU. A one hour nap, during which you may be woken at any time, is not sufficient rest to compensate for 2-3 wake ups a night. You're also correct to highlight other people's situations as irrelevant.

I also expect there are some people who would prefer to think the arrangement unfair, because to do otherwise would shine a light on inequalities in their relationship.

Mmm, that thought was at the back of my mind too...

That was what I was referring to ⬆️

You've said 'it's right to highlight other people's situations as irrelevant-so why bother posting? We are all different and if no one else's situations are relevant what's the point in the post?
Then you agree with the sentiment in may highlight inequalities in relationships, when I disagree with you and think it's far more to do with individual circumstances, which as you've already said, are not relevant...,

Bumpity i cycled up a short non traffic cycle path so no, not the same as driving.

@Lethaldrizzle
Fair enough but I imagine most mothers on maternity leave do drive or use some form of transport that requires a reasonable level of concentration to keep everyone safe. Drink driving is obviously frowned upon because alcohol impairs reactions, I can only imagine chronic tiredness would have a similar impact.

When I hear people whining about sleep deprivation it does make them sound pretty pathetic.

Right. Sorted. 50/50 it is then, since complaining about sleep deprivation is pathetic.

I can see why they comment. I'd not expect my DH to get up in the night if he had to work and I didn't and he wouldn't expect the same. Being home is way easier than being at work regardless of lunch and coffee breaks.

When it was me, I had more success thinking about what was fair rather than equal.

Last year I had my first baby. He woke up every few hours for a feed for 6 or 7 months. I was breastfeeding, so found if I went to him he could be fed and back to sleep in 15/20 minutes. I also cope much better on little sleep. I'm not at all saying that is an inherent womanly motherly thing, just for me I am reasonably functional with some sleep deprivation.

My husband is pretty terrible on no sleep, and has a long drive to work. OTOH, he is much better at getting up early - so he used to take the baby at 5 or so for a few hours before he went to work so I could get some sleep, and then bring me breakfast so I was ready to start the day.

We felt this split was fair, because we were both playing to our strengths. If your way is working for you and your husband, it doesn't matter what we all think.

I think playing to your strengths is best. My husband can cope with staying up until midnight on a work night and I can cope with getting up very early in the morning.

I always used to moan about how he had such a different body clock but now I'm grateful.

A lot depends on the type of baby you have surely?

There's no way I would have expected DH to get up in the night then go out and do a full days work but then my dc were pretty easy during the day. I could take it easy if I wanted to, especially with dc1. He was a typical baby in that he cried and was unsettled at times but the majority of the time was good. My days with him were a doddle to be honest.

Your poor partner, he must be exhausted, we shared weekend night feeds, but would not dream of Dh getting up on a working day. Does it affect his work?

Yes poor poor partner! How on earth can you expect a MAN to be a bit tired?! Don't you realise he is a MAN? Shocking behaviour.

@Lolacherrycola78
Why must he be exhausted? He gets a full night's sleep 50 percent of the time and he always has the option of an early night if he's feeling particularly tired. If he is "exhausted" from doing half of the wake ups then what would OP be doing all of the wake ups?

The OP doesn't have to work though whereas he does. There's a big difference.

I don’t think you are lazy and if you’re both happy then it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

I exclusively breastfeed and I don’t expect my DH to get up with the baby because he can’t be of much help. He usually gets up with the toddler instead who is sleeping worse than the baby at the moment.

However I’m on maternity leave with my second and I have personally found going out to work much more tiring than being at home with the kids.

We have a 5 month old who is tube fed.

DP does the 10pm and 1am feed and comes to bed (sleeps 1.30-7.30). He works 5 or 6 days a week in manual job.

He will have an hour or two in the evening and we've now actually reduced a feed so baby is feeding at 11.30pm and 3am. DP now gets to sleep 12.30am-7.30am

Yes I'm on maternity leave but we have two other children who I am responsible for so he helps me get a few hours kip.

The OP doesn't have to work though whereas he does. There's a big difference.

I think YABU. My partner is a driver and works from 8am until 5:3pm. I told him from the get-go that I would gladly get up during the night with the baby and never expect him to do it. Hell, even when I was in the hospital after giving birth to our son and had stitches from an episiotomy, which I was in extreme pain from, and I was almost passing out every time I stood up due to losing a pint and a half of blood, I still told my partner to go home and get some rest and get a bath and eat and to come back the next day.
You are EXTREMELY lucky that your OH helps you out.

I'll implode alongside her.

I would take working plus half the nights on wake-up duty over caring for a baby plus half the nights as the easy option, any time. I have done both. I also think recovering from pregnancy and labour is no tiny thing and it's not as if that's something he's doing.

@BoxsetsAndPopcorn
In what way is there a big difference? OP isn't chilling alone at home whilst he is out working, she too is busy looking after their baby. You can see from this thread that some people consider looking after a baby to be easier than paid work whilst others don't. Eitherway you can't conclusively say her DP is doing something that is objectively more difficult

smiley, if my partner had 'told' me to go home when she was recovering from a traumatic birth, I would have 'told' her she'd got another think coming. Lucky we're adults and so we don't order each other about.