Getting up with baby at night

[owltrousers]

We have a 5 month old baby, DH and I share night waking duties - he does one night, I do the next. On average getting up 2-3 times a night.

All my family and his are AMAZED that he still gets up even though he works 9-5 and I get to stay at home on maternity leave. They act like I should be extremely grateful.

Personally I think this way is fair and right, equal parents - equal responsibilities and its not like my day is a doddle, its 12 hours of childcare with very little time to myself.

AIBU?

@SharronNeedles depends on your baby. From 8 weeks, DS ONLY woke for boob, absolutely nothing else, ever. And cuddling/ rocking/patting just made him angrier and and angrier until he got boob.

Yes although sometimes babies dont Just need a feed in the middle of the night and my dh did help sometimes, I generally did most of it as he was going to work in the morning

I do all the night feeds because me and DS co-sleep and I breastfeed. DH is in the other room because his snoring is so loud that it wakes DS and I can't wear earplugs because of DS. So realistically what could DH do? DS won't settle with a bottle, it's boob only.

However, DH takes DS off me in the morning one day a week when working from home and both days at the weekend so I can get a lie in. This works for us.

And I never called anyone bad or lazy, that's possibly you projecting?

You said people 'don't put any effort in'. Come on now.

Look, you have your DC. And your job. And you know what they are like to you. You don't know what everyone else's situation is, and it is downright mean to sneer at people for finding one or the other harder than you did, especially on MN where there will be a lot of new mothers who might be facing PND.

FYI: I had a colicky Velcro baby that couldn't be put down and wouldn't ever sleep. I also had (and still have!) a stressful, busy job doing fairly senior stuff. The job is easier than being on my knees with sleep deprivation and in utter despair because I couldn't ever work out what the baby wanted. At least in my job I know that I'm good at it and I know what I'm doing - I didn't feel any of that with my baby for a good long while.

Ok, whatever works for you, I didn't mean to anger you

I also don't think it was I who was sneering but you're entitled to your opinion as am I. I hope you're no longer upset

DH tried to help with nights initially, but we ended up breastfeeding overnight so he couldn't do much really. That was fine because I felt I could get through the day with broken sleep, but DH couldn't without it impacting his job - we are in the same line of work that needs all your mental faculties so I know I couldn't have done it. He takes responsibilities in other ways and if I've had a particularly bad night he'll go into work late so I can have a lie-in. It's been hard but hopefully the might wake-ups are coming to an end.

YABU you should let your Dh sleep if he has work the next day, and you don't. I'm sure you get time for a cuppa, with only one baby to care for?? I think you sound ridiculous, and very selfish tbh, sorry.

Has anyone ever stopped judging so much and thought that regardless of working, maybe the dad WANTED to get up and do the night feeds? (Shock horror I know, it's not years ago where women stayed home and cooked, cleaned and cared for the children and the men went to work). Men can do things as well. My husband works but he wanted to get up with our baby.
And to the poster who said op can nap in the day. Not all parents want to sleep when the baby sleeps. One it's not that easy, and two there's other things to be done in the day when the baby is asleep. (I hate the sleep when baby does idea. How is op's partner doing a night feed make her lazy, but her sleeping in the day wouldn't? I'd say sleeping in the day is much worse and more lazy).

Personally I am pretty impressed your partner still gets up at night when he’s working full time but I think you just have to do what works for your family.
DH and I have always worked it so I do the ‘night shift’, this continued when I went back to work after baby no1.
We’ve now got two children (2yo and a baby) - 2yo dropped her nap ages ago (she’s closer to 3) so I don’t get to nap, ever. But I still do the nights.
This isn’t a post to martyr myself, but just to say that works for us. If you and your husband are happy with your situation then why care what others think?

@HettyB
You may not be trying to make a martyr of yourself but by being "impressed" by OP's partner pulling his weight you are still implying that he is doing something that he doesn't necessarily have a responsibility to do as a decent father and partner. Are you not equally impressed that OP gets up half the time too?

The only time DP didn’t get up and down in the night with the babies is when he had a long day driving for work the next day. At my insistence because driving tired is dangerous.

Other than that we shared. None of ours napped in the day, and I had 2 under 2 at one point so no chance of a nap because they never slept at the same time.

I agree with above post- if it works for you both then who cares but you’re a lucky lady that’s all I can say. I did all of the getting up in the night in the week and my husband (for the first month 😖) did the weekends. I didn’t mind at all because he had to go to work and I wouldn’t have expected him to get up when I’m at home all day! Each to there own I guess!

Sleeplikeasloth

"I guess it's a lot easier to think a randomer on the internet is unreasonable, than your own partner."

Exactly!

53rdWay

"hmm well thanks for that. I always think that people who say babies are easier than going to work had a different kind of baby than I did, and probably aren't just lazy bad people."

Yeah I always at people who think being at home is easier, but figure their baby is easier than mine. I handle sensitive information in my job, we have hourly targets to meet, and our work is checked for accuracy at the end of the day. Still easier than being at home.

I think it really depends on the nature of his job. Airline pilot or brain surgeon? Not worth the risk of working on limited sleep.

Regular job where no one will die if he makes a mistake? Some division at night midweek is fair (but I do think exact 50/50 midweek is not equitable for some of the reasons other posters have shared, namely that you will have far more flexibility in the day than he does). Of course Friday through Sunday he should do the lions share to give you a break.

@Bumpity I suppose impressed was the wrong word, I probably meant jealous! Of course OP’s DP should do his share, but for some families that means sharing the night wakings and for some it doesn’t.
Just because my DH doesn’t do night feeds doesn’t mean he isn’t pulling his weight overall.

I think a lot of people missed the OP saying her husband does office work, doesn't drive, and their baby is bottle fed.

I think as PP have said what works for one couple doesn't work for another. DH works M - F and out 11 hours a day. Some times mentally tiring, sometimes physically.

Our 5 mo sleeps through, but on the odd occasion she wakes up I sort her.

DH takes her to give her the last feed as soon as he walks though the door, so I do anything I need round the house.
We take it in turns to settle down for the night. We take one weekend morning in each to sleep in if we need and I can grab whatever naps I need over the weekend.

We both share all the other housework, expect vacuuming (me) and bins and recycling (DH)

Wow what an interesting read!

Lots great points, but overall I am happy with our system, DH is happy with our system and I'm glad that others agree that its the fairest way.

Its a shame that a lot of dads don't seem to want to equal parent and are happy to let the mums do the lions share of the childcare, even when they're at home.

Also LOTS of martyrs about and still a lot of people not putting much value to the job of ''stay at home parent'' because its unpaid and thats a shame, must be something pretty deep rooted in society.

I agree owltrousers

@Cherrysherbet and I suppose OP is not 'working' doing the childcare? I'm pretty sure office work involves lots of cuppas as well.

There seems to be a huge focus on this thread about tea breaks, naps and food. What about the psychological affect of being alone with a baby in the night. In the day. When they are sick. When they teeth. I did everything myself. I was on my knees with a baby who had severe reflux and had stopped breathing more than once. My DH works shifts and that was his ace card. I had awful PND which I never properly had diagnosed. I begged him for help and the resentment left a huge scar in our relationship. My DD is 4 now and he is the best dad. But you know, guess what? I'm back at work and I am the one who goes to her if she cries or wakes or is ill. I'm used to my role as a mother now but still have flashes of anger at the way society has painted us into this never ending slog when there are TWO parents.... I wept with jealousy that even though he was tired he had people to talk to at work while I was on mat leave. I was struggling way too much with a sick baby who never slept to think about going to any baby clubs etc!

I shouldered the responsibly for keeping her safe and well for a looooooong time. I often reflect on that time when things were so bad and I do think I was part of the problem in that I didn't demand a fairer and safer arrangement. I went along with societal expectations and he was happy to do that for his own benefit!

As a silver lining, I have come through it all with an unbrakable bond with my DD and I feel like superwoman sometimes even if nobody else thinks I am! I can do so much more than I ever dreamed I could handle. I feel proud of myself and by god I have learned how to demand his help when I really need it 😂

Priority number one - keeping mummy sane!! It's more than a cup of tea.......

@Sassenach85 You have given me pause for thought. I probably do need to ask DH to do more of the baby stuff without me having to ask. In many ways he's great - he cooks loads of lovely food for DS so the fridge is always full but I have suggested that maybe I could have a go because I am always, always with the baby.

I am always the one putting on his eczema cream, dressing him, changing shitty nappies. I'm always the one who makes DS cry because he hates all that stuff whereas DH, when it comes to engaging with DS, basically just plays. I'm the one up in the night too but that's due to BFing.

I can feel my temper wearing thin sometimes as I have pretty much zero time to myself without DS (we co-sleep and DH is in the other room). I went out for lunch with work last week and it was the longest I'd been away from DS in months. DH said he could work from home whilst looking after DS and I laughed out loud, as if you could work while being in sole charge of DS. I need to let him have DS on his own more so he actually sees what it entails and why I get so tired and ratty.

Agent I agree, but not just for your sake, for your DH's sake too. What a lot of people seem to miss is that playing with a child can be done by anyone - a friend, an aunt, a cousin - it doesn't make you a parent. Being a parent is about being really involved in your child's life, doing the difficult things for and with them building that relationship through thousands of mundane interactions. The parent who just gets to play might seem to have an easier time but in the long run they really do lose out because it's the parent who really shows up, for everything, that has occupies that unshiftable spot in a child's soul. If a child has two people to fill that spot then they are incredibly lucky. But if you get to be one of the people to fill it then you are even luckier.

I do think you should try to resolve it when they are young as resentment festers.

I'm a person does struggle to forgive and forget anyway, so I find I need to bite my tongue to stop referring to the piss easy time he had. It has left a scar on our relationship. The wound has healed but the scar is still there..... I worry if we had another DC that the scar would re open. Things are great at the moment so who knows.