Getting up with baby at night

[owltrousers]

We have a 5 month old baby, DH and I share night waking duties - he does one night, I do the next. On average getting up 2-3 times a night.

All my family and his are AMAZED that he still gets up even though he works 9-5 and I get to stay at home on maternity leave. They act like I should be extremely grateful.

Personally I think this way is fair and right, equal parents - equal responsibilities and its not like my day is a doddle, its 12 hours of childcare with very little time to myself.

AIBU?

It didn’t work for me either, Bored, but it’s clearly an option for some.

YANBU

Don't listen to those posters trying to shame you into taking on more of the night wake ups just because it's what they did or they have put the working partner on some pedestal. They will justify their basic misogynistic views with claptrap like 'nap when the baby naps" when it's obvious that not all babies nap reliably or without parental assistance and even if you could nap for a short while this would not negate the tiredness you would feel from continuous nights of broken sleep.

At the root of all of it is that we have been socially conditioned to value paid work over unpaid work. You could be busy all day with a baby that doesn't nap, won't be put down and requires constant attention and some people would still believe you should do all the night wake ups irrespective of how physically and mentally exhausted you might be. It's little wonder so many women suffer from PND when they're subject to this kind of rubbish at such a vulnerable time when hormones are still settling and they are contending with a massive life change.

I think it depends on everyone's individual circumstances like
How easy the baby is - some babies are really colicky, won't be put down etc and are mentally and physically exhausting

How many hours the working partner works, how demanding their job is and how long their commute is

How well both partners sleep and how much sleep both partners need

How the baby naps in the day and if the parent staying home can nap. My baby naps great but I'm a poor sleeper myself - it takes me ages to get to sleep and then I feel groggy and headachey all day after a nap

Im breastfeeding but if I wasn't my husband would do nights at weekends and a night in the week to help out so roughly half - he needs loads less sleep than me

YADNBU - I have a 6 month old and was feeding 2-3hrs apart during the night for months on end. I clearly remember MIL telling my DH to get all the sleep he needed as he was 'exhausted'. Then he went back to work! At first I tried to do it all myself, but I put the foot down after weeks of not sleeping more than 60 minutes at a time whilst my DH was at work dinners, client dinners, car racing events and weekends away. I figured that even if it was work related, that he felt awake enough to make small talk at a client dinner for four hours with a newborn in the house and I was delirious with tiredness, that we should share the tiredness. At that stage DH started to get up every second night for the 3am feed - and funnily enough he started to go to less work events!

I know some people will say that you are BU or one child is easy to manage or that they managed it, but you are both doing a full days work in my eyes. I'll never forget one of my bosses admitting that after his first son was born, he used to hide in the office - I suspect quite a lot of men are at it!

@owltrousers

Just ignore all that ‘just wait till you have child 2’ etc. That’s all the more reason to make life as orderly and enjoyable as you can now. I hate these remarks. I’m already getting these stupid comments and I’ve not even given birth yet!!! Almost negates any complaints i might have about the baby stage because they have it so much worse! All of my friends moaned profusely with their first child. Lots of them did nothing to make their lives any easier. Asking for a bit of help from their partners for instance. There’s some sort of stupid martyrdom certain people attach to being a ‘good mum’. Being totally exhausted and miserable us not a desirable state or a badge of honour or a Competition!

YANBU working is easier than staying at home with a newborn.
Also, he is the baby's father so should look after him when he's at home.
Maybe I was lucky but we shared night wakings (of which there were many with DC2) . We also took it in turns to have lie-ins / naps at the weekend.
To be honest with non sleeping DC2 we would have both collapsed with exhaustion if we hadn't have supported eachother and let the other sleep as much as possible.
I suppose a lot depends on the baby and the working parent's job as well.

YANBU at all.

Any man who is happy to have night after night of uninterrupted sleep and then go to work leaving the drudge and drain of childcare to his partner whilst he enjoys lunch breaks and time to himself, in the knowledge that the mother is exhausted from being on baby duty 24/7 and being up 3-4 times a night every night is a bit of a selfish twat in my eyes.

Any man who is happy to have night after night of uninterrupted sleep and then go to work leaving the drudge and drain of childcare to his partner whilst he enjoys lunch breaks and time to himself, in the knowledge that the mother is exhausted from being on baby duty 24/7 and being up 3-4 times a night every night is a bit of a selfish twat in my eyes.

Agreed!

Of course you're not BU. A one hour nap, during which you may be woken at any time, is not sufficient rest to compensate for 2-3 wake ups a night. You're also correct to highlight other people's situations as irrelevant.

I also expect there are some people who would prefer to think the arrangement unfair, because to do otherwise would shine a light on inequalities in their relationship.

Mmm, that thought was at the back of my mind too...

My baby is 8 months old and so I'm still on maternity leave. I do all childcare in the day (Obviously). During the week I do all house work, which I think is fair considering I am at home all day. We're lucky that baby now sleeps 7-7 every night, however if she was to wake, I wouldn't expect dh to get up with her as I don't have to leave for work the next day.
I do however expect more help once I return to work.
I currently think I have it easier out of the two of us, however I might change my mind once we have baby number 2! 😂

Yeah I have an 8 week old and my dh 'gives me' one night off per week as he is out of the house by 7.30am to work. The in laws are absolutely aghast ("goodness you must be so tired") that I 'make him' do night feeds that one night per week. I'm up 2 hours per night every other goddamn night and then up and out in the mornings to do the school run so it's not like I can have a lay in to make up for it, so when you look at it I'm losing equivalent to a whole nights sleep per week. Therefore, yanbu.

owltrousers

I think you should show appreciation to your husband as he should to you because otherwise you end up taking each other for granted. Everyone likes to be appreciated and thanked occasionally even if they're just doing their job or what's right by their family.

I'm on maternity leave, 2 month old, husband works full time. Due to my bipolar disorder episodes being triggered by sleep deprivation he does some full nights with her during the week. If it wasn't for my mental health problems then I'd only feel right about him doing that on the weekends. I think all men should do Some night feeds during the week though even if working full time.

However I'm sick of all the "sleep when the baby sleeps" BULLSHIT advice. As if all babies are the same and sleep loads during the day...maybe in a perfect world. Also it doesn't take into consideration that you might have other things to do then sleep.

For example, my baby is finally sleeping so I'm off to make bottles and hopefully eat too before she wakes up again.

If you're driving and he isn't then I think you are being responsible sleeping. Driving exhausted is dangerous.

I think it's all about being kind and honest to each other (assuming you actually like and love each your spouse)!

If your baby is exhausting for some you reason, then yes, wohp should help.

If your baby is easy, and you get to spend all day doing fun stuff, then wohp shouldn't help

In my own situation, it would have been outrageous of me to ask dh to get up at night. He's a surgeon, whereas my first mat leave was basically a year long holiday. Nothing to do with society norms, just being fair.

I totally understand how you feel. My baby did not nap well at that age and I had to put him on baby carrier and go for walks so definitely no naps for me either.

I also get really upset when DH bang about in the morning(slamming door, stomping down the stairs) and woke DS up so I had to be up at 7am too when DS would have slept until at least 8.30am. I know its not DH's fault that the floor creaks etc but sleep deprived me was unreasonably upset sometimes

Anyway, back to topic.. my DH doesn't do night feeds and sometimes I do feel it was unfair but when I look at DS, I feel like its worth it. DH does help out during weekends and I get to lie in until 9am.

Of course lots of people are going to be amazed because lots of DHs do not do night feeds and that has become a norm.

YANBU and every household is different. I agree that childcare is like a full time work, more full time than office work but I suppose the pay is watching your kids grow. Having a child is a choice afterall.

He should be helping you with night feeds and you should be grateful too. Just like how you are also helping him with night feeds and he should be grateful as well.

@PrincessCuntsuelaVaginaHammock

Then why post in the first place lots of people have different jobs and pressures and the OP was not very clear what her partners working role was.
I breastfed so did it all, but that doesn't mean my partner wasn't frequently disturbed, he just couldn't actually take over. To be honest unless I'd have been in another house I'd have woken anyway as I wake as soon as they stir. There's no way him getting up for a baby would give me more sleep, I'd be awake anyway. Everyone's different.

It depends on what works best for each family, what the baby is like, whether there are other children and what job the father does. As long as neither parent is taking the piss out for the other one.

I think you have a good system by both taking it 50/50. When we had our baby my partner would do the last feed (12pm-1am) while I slept then I would get up in the night (usually about 2-3 times) and he would then he would get up in the morning but usually we both got up. Then on weekends if I was exhausted he would get up and I’d have a rest. It worked for us as we did work as a team. He does have a sort of job where sleep deprivation could have been dangerous for him so wouldn’t have liked him getting up through the night.

On the other hand, we know a couple where the father is up early for work every day and is getting up and dealing with the baby all night downstairs, has to come home from work to take the other kids to school, then looks after them when he finishes work. He was that exhausted In work that he regularly fall asleep. He had a stint of being signed off work too with depression. This I think is a case of not working as a team.

As long as both parents can function in work or at home then it’s working fine whatever is being done.

@pengggwn actually that is not true, there are thousands of stay at home dads (some of my friends included).

My DH took extended paternal leave and says being at work is much easier and less tiring than being at home with DD - and that was when she napped a lot more than she does now!

We share the night waking the same way as OP does and he finds it easier now than he did when he was at home.

For the record, he has a desk-based job and DD only naps for 30 mins at a time, and only on me, so I don't get to nap during the day!

@owltrousers you are very very lucky. My partner never does night feeds and works 8-4 he doesn't work weekends and even then refuses to do them

Its a bit mad isn't it? I feel like care of the baby being primarily the mums job is a bit of a deep rooted issue. Its interesting to see other peoples opinions

But op you are off with baby and describe yourself in a previous post as a SAHM, so you have given yourself this role. Why on earth wouldn't care of the baby be primarily your responsibility when you are off with baby? If you don't want to do it, why don't you see if your partner would stay at home instead and you go to work?

I absolutely did most of the night feeds when I was on maternity leave. I would not have wanted dh to have an accident driving or have his work affected by tiredness. That is what maternity leave is for imo! Obviously different if both parents are working, then it must be shared as equally as possible (obviously tricky if bf).

I am not sure why you say you cannot get a cup of tea or bite of lunch, especially when you say you have time to nap every day. Babies need their space to play down on the floor - no reason why you cannot have a cuppa then.

Then why post in the first place

Could you clarify what aspect of my post this is a response to boredandtired? Nothing you wrote seemed to address anything I'd written so I am not sure of your meaning.

How many of you saying the night feeds should be shared would be happy to switch roles with the wohp?
Some I expect would, most wouldn't.

arethereanyleftatall, we have alyernated/shared nights equally when we were both off, when I was working and he was off, when he was off and I was working, and now, when he's full time and I'm part time. We've done every combination, and shared equally regardless, because we see it as the fair thing to do.