Getting up with baby at night

[owltrousers]

We have a 5 month old baby, DH and I share night waking duties - he does one night, I do the next. On average getting up 2-3 times a night.

All my family and his are AMAZED that he still gets up even though he works 9-5 and I get to stay at home on maternity leave. They act like I should be extremely grateful.

Personally I think this way is fair and right, equal parents - equal responsibilities and its not like my day is a doddle, its 12 hours of childcare with very little time to myself.

AIBU?

Dp never done any night feeds- ever
with ds2.

However, he was up at 4:30am to walk the dogs before work, and his job involved driving all day around the country.

But when he got home he would take ds2 off me and they'd walk the dogs, do the school run for ds1, bath both boys whilst I cooked, walk the dogs again, then the washing up whilst I sorted the next day's clothes, lunches etc, and at the weekend done all the ironing. 🤷🏻‍♀️

This worked perfectly for us, it may have been hell for someone else- I believe it's what works best for you as a couple, we are all different.

I managed to nap most days when mine were little and that was with a toddler and a baby. I went out everyday but tried to time it so nap times weren't affected.

GreatDuckCookery

But - obviously - not all children are the same. Mine didn't have 'nap time' until she was about 9 months old. She had time when she was asleep and time when she was awake, but that meant any time.

My husband has spent one full day looking after our twins without me (with help) and realizes that my day is a lot harder than his, both physically and emotionally. He helps a lot through the night, I'm EBF so never get a night off as such but he does lots of bringing them to me and resettling after a feed. I wouldn't be able to get through the day on any less sleep than I am currently getting. Plus I need to rest because I'm physically exhausted. He understands this and I am grateful that I have a husband that realizes how difficult a day with a baby can be (although we do have twins so may be different).

My dh did feeds before 12.30am when working.Anything after that I did

Oh and I never nap during the day.

Yes, not breastfeeding to clear that up.

DH works in a warehouse, office type work. His dad picks him up and I drive him in and out 2 days a week as he doesn't drive. So no issue with being tired at work really.

During the working day, DH’s job is to work for such-and-such company. My ‘job’ is childcare. Outside of those hours, it’s 50/50. This is as it should be and don’t let others make you feel guilty or lazy! Society has conditioned us that it should all be on the SAHP, day and night, but that doesn’t mean we need to perpetuate the myth.

This!!
We also alternate nights. Baby is a fairly decent sleeper tbh, and mostly has only been up once a night, but alternating (and in the early days splitting the night) has meant that neither of us are tired. As adults, we are perfectly capable of having a rubbish night, if the next night is unbroken 8 hours. Both of us have found that easily sustainable.

Essentially the choice is often having one exhausted sleep deprived parent and one being fine, or two parents that are a bit tired perhaps, but with it having minimal impact on life.

I credit loving parenthood so much on being awake enough to thoroughly enjoy it.
Also, it's great for the relationship between father and child, means that the sahp is less likely to become 'default', means that both parents thoroughly know the baby's routine etc. My husband actually likes this extra time he has with his child.

To clarify- in my post when I said done all the ironing- dp done all the ironing.

If you're both happy with the arrangement then it doesn't really matter what other people do. But unless you've got a very difficult baby or aren't coping very well then I think you already know it's not a very fair arrangement. But if your partner really wants to work full time and also be up a few times during the night every other night and you're happy with him doing so, then let him get on with it and enjoy your sleep!

I think you already know it's not a very fair arrangement

What is unfair about it?

I think there's a lot of jealousy here.

I also expect there are some people who would prefer to think the arrangement unfair, because to do otherwise would shine a light on inequalities in their relationship.

@penggwynn actually yes you are right. I often envied that my partner got to sit at work and interact with other humans and actually work is often a break compared to childcare 24/7 and it riles me when people are berated for being a stay at home parent and 'not working' as my periods working have been an amazing break compared to being at home 😊.
I guess the reason I answered as I did is that a 5 month old baby, is quite straightforward even if a refluxer and it would depend on my other halfs job what I expected of him. Now she's clarified he doesn't drive and she drives him in etc it does seem more balanced. If it works leave it as it is.
Original post did sound possibly a bit braggy.

@Sleeplikeasloth yes !!!!! A lot of jealousy here !!!!

@owltrousers YANBU at all !!!!!!

I went back to work when my baby was 5 months. I had a pretty stressful, busy job. It was still so much easier than being on all-day baby duty with a screamy insomniac Velcro baby who would only sleep on me! “Oh but you don’t get to nap”, well bollocks, I didn’t get to nap at home either and at least at work I got lunch breaks on my own without anyone screaming the second I wasn’t touching them.

When mothers go back to work, nobody thinks it’s unfair that do night wakings plus day work.

YANBU. DP and I have always shared night wakings/feeds. Luckily, DD doesn't wake through the night anymore but when she was waking twice we would take one each. I'm also on mat leave and he's working but he wouldn't have just left me to it as she's his child as well.

No you are absolutely not being unreasonable. I breastfed (and he wouldn’t take a bottle) so I was the one getting up but the exhaustion of waking 4 times a night and then having to mind a baby the next day- Its very difficult. Not sure how you can nap whilst pushing a buggy around the park to get baby to sleep? Maybe in the very early days When all they Sleep a lot you can argue the whole ‘nap when they nap’ point but by 2 months my son was out of that phase.
I know many will disagree but personally being back at my full time sales job is more restful than minding a baby all day.

Splitting the nights is absolutely fair. Glad you’ve got a reasonable husband like I do, not like many of the posters on here!

@tumon often it's not about having a 'reasonable' husband. If you breastfeed how the heck can they share the night wakings and it also completely depends on their job.

I think it’s unfair and wouldn’t expect DP to get up during the night when he also has to work. I would feel very lazy.
For the first 3mths DP use to stay up with baby from about 8pm-midnight while I slept. Then he’d sleep 12-6.30am and come and get him again in the morning for an hour or so. It meant we both got some sleep but DP got his uninterrupted which is important when he has to drive/work the next day.
I always had the option to stay home and have a lazy day if tired.

Yanbu what a lit of nonsense! Why shouldn’t your dh do his share of childcare? What century is this? Maternity leave isn’t a holiday. It’s hard work and a huge change in life for you. In most relationships the partner that goes to work are obviously impacted but not as much.They can go to work, go for a nice lunch of their choice and have 7.5 hours of just being themselves. They keep their identity whilst yours gets lost. I know lots of people who have really struggled with this and really resented their partners who get to carry on as normal.

I’m due a week on Friday. Obviously, you can’t plan everything but I am absolutely planning to share the night feeds with my spouse. One of us is going to bunk with the baby and the other in the spare room until baby can sleep through (if that happens!). My husband travels for work Tuesday/weds/Thursday so obviously on those days I will do the night feeds. He works from home almost every Monday and Friday And generally does so in his jogging bottoms. It’s not that challenging to sit at your laptop. So unless the baby is particularly cranky I don’t see why he can’t t do at least one of these nights and the weekend.

@boredandtired probably used the wrong word there, just some of the ‘nap during the day’ posts annoyed me! What I mean (but didn’t explain) was my husband do all he could to help and let me have time to catch up on sleep at weekends etc. I also think some ppl can survive on less sleep without it impacting their mood. Lots of evidence linking postnatal depression to sleep deprivation and I feel like the awareness just isn’t there

If you breastfeed how the heck can they share the night wakings

Depends on why the baby’s waking. If it’s a nappy change, or they just need walking round for a while to resettle because they’re wide awake/colicky, you don’t need boobs to do that. That got me through the 4-month sleep regression when BFing.

Also had friends who used to express milk and go to bed early, and then Dad gave a bottle in the evening. Wouldn’t work in the earliest days when you’re establishing supply but worked for them later.

Ok it probably depends on both the baby and what sort of job the partner is doing. I think we had relatively easy babies and when they were young I had quite a bit of time to myself during the day while they were napping, and DH has a stressful job with long hours and really needs to be on the ball. In our case, I would have felt it unfair if he was doing the night times during the week, but I can see that may not be the case for others. At weekends we would share the night times as we both were doing the same 'job' at weekends.

@tumon I would agree there. My first (and therefore the only one I could have 'napped' with) never ever napped properly or slept more than 30-40 mins and it was really hard work. There was no way I could rest when he did, it would be a miracle if I had a cup of tea.
I'm probably not a very good person to comment as my husband is definitely much more grumpy with less sleep than myself and with children spanning 2-20 I've literally not actually slept for 20 years. 😆

@53rdway that doesn't work for many. I hated expressing, hated it. Adding that horrible chore into my day would have just made life more intolerable.