Getting up with baby at night

[owltrousers]

We have a 5 month old baby, DH and I share night waking duties - he does one night, I do the next. On average getting up 2-3 times a night.

All my family and his are AMAZED that he still gets up even though he works 9-5 and I get to stay at home on maternity leave. They act like I should be extremely grateful.

Personally I think this way is fair and right, equal parents - equal responsibilities and its not like my day is a doddle, its 12 hours of childcare with very little time to myself.

AIBU?

You are not being unreasonable, but people are conditioned to think otherwise.

I remember being nearly dead from sleep deprivation (baby waking to breastfeed 3-4 times a night), brings back at work full time, DH on parental leave, and my MIL suggesting he went for a nap.

Hahahahaha nice boast. But assuming your husband goes out to work, yabu and lazy. You can have a nap during the day, he can't. 12 hours of childcare Haha, you can tell your husband that nonsense but not other mums!

*being

Ummm we have a 7 month BF baby and my DH picks him up and brings him to me to be fed whenever he wakes in the night! I know I'm very lucky!

Whatshallidonowpeople

Do you only care for your child during specified hours during the day?

Yabu you’ve got one baby and if your dh is working you are able to go back to sleep when your dc sleep. Your dh doesn’t have the opinion. He should share on the weekends

It depends on how well baby naps during the day and how long DH has to drive

I do all the night feeds and wouldn't feel right asking my partner to share them with me whilst I'm off work. When I'm back at work I full expect him to share however.

Yes you’re being unreasonable. You can have naps during the day, he can’t. You only have one child to look after, tech not a particularly heavy workload.

My baby occasionally slept for a few hours, but usually it was a couple of hour-long naps. I used that time for housework, which my DH then didn't have to do. When the baby was awake she was a full time job, which he knows because he took parental leave and experienced that first hand. So, if he's working all day and so am I, how is it the fair thing for me to do all the night-time waking? As it happened I did, but that's because I chose to BF. If my baby had been bottle fed it would have been 50:50.

You're assuming OP gets to nap! I didn't as baby slept on me at that age and yes my partner shared with night wakings even when working. Yanbu

I'm expecting my first baby next month.

DP is taking a month off. During that month I would expect him to have his share of getting up in the night. I think it will be good for him to be involved and share responsibility.

However. After that month when he returns to working full time I won't be expecting him to get up in the night at all as I don't think it's fair.

As others have said, he will be going out to work all day and will have no opportunity to get any sleep during that time.

For me as I'll be home all day - I realise it will be exhausting and hard work but I may get the opportunity to have a few power naps hopefully! Unlike DP.

For me as I'll be home all day - I realise it will be exhausting and hard work but I may get the opportunity to have a few power naps hopefully! Unlike DP.

But if you didn't nap during the day? What would be fair then?

We had a rule where DH changed all the nappies (when he was not at work obvs) and I fed (BF).
It's completely fair! It's not easy to deal with a newborn on no sleep.
And I wanted to punch every person who told me I should be sleeping when the baby sleeps in the throat. I'm hardly using that time to catch up on TV. Usually that time would consist of having a shower, starting the house work, prepping some meals and occasionally having a warm cup of tea.
If you don't do the house work during the day, it's only going to be there at the end of the day so may as well get it done!

Actually was just going to add Pen, I doubt I will sleep in the day.

Firstly, I seriously struggle to day time nap. Secondly, I'll probably spend the time my little one is sleeping during the day to get house work done. So yeah, I guess I'll be working all day too without any naps.

However. That would be my choice I guess? To chose to do housework rather than nap?

DP doesn't get that choice.

For one baby that sleeps in the day I’d expect the at work partner to only do half the nights of their days off.

Sorry OP but I think YABVU. You only have one baby! It would be different if this was your second, third, or fourth and you too had to be up and out for school runs, or you were looking after other DC all day.

When you have your first baby you just need to go with it and nap on their schedule. I would never have expected DH to do what yours does because he can't nap in the day. Also I was bf so there was no point in him getting up anyway.

Yes I usually get one nap of about 1 hour.

But you're forgetting that DH gets an hour lunch break to eat in peace and do what he wants, plus two tea breaks. Do SAHM get tea breaks?

YADNBU although plenty of people will be along to tell you that you are and ‘pooooor DH he has to woooooork’ etc etc. We have exactly the same arrangement as you at 10mo (though luckily baby doesn’t wake much at night anymore). During the working day, DH’s job is to work for such-and-such company. My ‘job’ is childcare. Outside of those hours, it’s 50/50. This is as it should be and don’t let others make you feel guilty or lazy! Society has conditioned us that it should all be on the SAHP, day and night, but that doesn’t mean we need to perpetuate the myth.

Are you both happy with the arrangement? If so then it doesn’t matter what anyone else does or thinks.

mega that's rather optimistic. One of the biggest issues for me was trying to nap when baby slept as I was constantly half listening out for baby so took forever to drop off if I ever got the chance. Then suddenly baby was awake again and I was exhausted.
Far more dangerous to parent on no sleep. Imagine if you dozed off holding baby on the sofa? Or went into a shop and forgot baby in the car due to sleep deprivation? Everyone says they would never do that but it happens time and time again.

Also, DH will readily admit to me that he gets to ‘relax’ a bit at work; check his phone during conf calls, drink hot coffee, chat to colleagues, pee on his own schedule etc!

I have my clingy baby on me 24/7. I don't mind because that's what he needs. I wouldn't expect my husband to get up with him because he has to go to work and it's completely unfair. Yes my day is probably a lot harder but I sleep during the day if I get desperate, he can't. Instead he will help catch up on housework I can't get done. I know I couldn't mind him all night and then physically go to work so why should he?

I think there's an issue if you are referring to yourself as childcare. You're not providing childcare for him you're looking after your own child.

I think it's fair OP. DS was breastfed so we couldn't share the night waking (coslept & DS wouldn't settle unless on the boob). I didn't get opportunity to nap in the day, DS would only sleep on me or in the sling so when he slept I did house work. The sleep deprivation definitely contributed to my pnd.

Ignore those saying you are lazy, they are just jealous. FWIW, I'm now back at work full time and find it souch easier than full time caring for DS.

Op mooching round the house with a baby is hard work for sure, but it's a different kind of work. You don't have to get dressed if you don't want to. You can keep it low key or be out and about doing every baby group going. Your DH has to function at work where people will not make allowances for the fact he's had no sleep. Yes he has a lunch break, but he can't exactly lie down and sleep can he? It's not a competition anyway.