Getting up with baby at night

[owltrousers]

We have a 5 month old baby, DH and I share night waking duties - he does one night, I do the next. On average getting up 2-3 times a night.

All my family and his are AMAZED that he still gets up even though he works 9-5 and I get to stay at home on maternity leave. They act like I should be extremely grateful.

Personally I think this way is fair and right, equal parents - equal responsibilities and its not like my day is a doddle, its 12 hours of childcare with very little time to myself.

AIBU?

I’ve got 3 kids, never expected DH to get up when working and I’m not. He works with flames so would be dangerous to do so! An office job I think I’d be a bit if he said he couldn’t work while tired. When we both work, we split it but I’m strict on sleep and they only ever wake occasionally past 6 months or when sick because we both have jobs which could end badly if we’re tired.

Yabu. Its unfair to expect your husband to wake when he has to work the next day.
If you were both working, taking it in turns would be a great idea. But your not .

owltrousers

Yes I usually get one nap of about 1 hour.

But you're forgetting that DH gets an hour lunch break to eat in peace and do what he wants, plus two tea breaks. Do SAHM get tea breaks

I have three you don’t know how bloody good you have it. You’re absolutely taking the piss out of your dh. Having a nap and someone eating their lunch is not comparable, I imagine you still get to eat. Try having a newborn having a 2.5 year old who is toilet training plus taking an older child to school and picking them up, I still did all the weekly night feeds.

You sound like my Sil who is completely lazy who sit there holding the baby whilst my brother comes in from work does tea, cleans baths the dc and puts them to bed, walks the dog not stopping till 9/10. As a sahm you have access to numberous cups of coffee, food, home comforts such as tv, completely different to a working environment.

He should love helping. When I had ds I was on the brink of postpartum psychosis and the perinatal team said it was absoloutely crucial for mums to get some sleep. Ds has reflux and the thought of sleep when the baby sleeps made me feel like killing someone. My baby never slept!!
My mental health suffered hugely during this period and if dh hadn’t stepped up I don’t know where I’d be today.
I’m due my second any day now and hoping I can manage more on my own this time around as dh has a more demanding job this time around. But it will depend on my mental health and the baby.

As for mums not getting tea breaks on maternity... I spent most my time sitting down.

He should be helping, not love helping. Nobody loves getting no sleep.

Also you asked if sahm gets tea breaks 😂😂😂😂 um yeah you do 😂😂😂😂 plenty of them.

We have twins so as soon as I got home from the hospital we decided to take a baby each. From the moment he got home from work he took one baby and did all feeds and changing for them. We had Moses baskets each side of the bed so we dealt with the baby on our side.

When they got bigger and shared a cot we would still have to both get up to do the night feeds and even now at 16 months we still both get up.

Only difference now is we generally take turns changing nappies but not in a counting, it's your turn way.

It's nice to know you have a partner that helps but it does get irritating how much praise he gets. You both chose to have a baby so why wouldn't you both look after them.

I am apoplectic reading some of these comments! Looking after a baby and a home full time IS work. It just is. There is no other way to look at it. Her husband is working outside the home, she is working inside the home. When my baby was that age I was waking nights and working, and yes, it was exhausting, but my DH was at home with her during the day and wasn't doing any of the nights and he was still shattered! I didn't speak to him as though he had just had the day off doing fuck all.

Disgraceful.

@Snappedandfarted2018 it’s so funny hearing first time mums. I always laugh at my friend who moans baby groups start in the morning and she’s can’t be ready before 11

YANBU OP - I work Monday-Wednesday so we share night duties and even when I'm off we take it in turns to get up. He doesn't mind because he's one of those people that as soon as his head hits the pillow he falls asleep while I lie awake for hours. I wouldn't say I'm "lucky" - it's his baby too and it's utter crap having to get up in the night by yourself all the time.

With just one young baby, most people - unless they're the clean-freak germophobes we sometimes see here - can manage to do enough housework to keep the place more or less presentable - who cares if it's a bit 'less' anyway? and fit in a nap while the baby's asleep.
When you have a toddler thrown in, it's a whole different matter. I well remember sleep being my greatest treat on earth.

Just read rest of messages, to add to my statement, husband has a job where he has to restrain and be awake ALOT, so for him to not sleep isn't the same as he needs his wits about him, and I don't nap in day...even when baby sleeps I'll do house BUT I can rest just be on sofa all day with baby which I know that husband can't do? On weekends I do think husband should help and he does have baby when I'm eating or having a bath BUT I do think night time is hard becuase you can watch a baby worn out but you can't do a job worn out? And you can nap for a hour but he can't nap at work? Obviously if baby is up every hour in night and your worn out it's one thing to get help but up three times on a night isn't that bad? It's actually pretty good for a 5 month old?

It would have been really bad of me if I'd expected similar of dh.
My days were spent watching movies and reading whilst baby slept on me, or going out for coffees, lunches and walks with friends.
The only time I really had to work was in the middle of the night.
I understand every baby is different though.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

My baby wouldn't be put down so I could do housework. I had to do the basics while she napped.

She is a toddler now. This morning I have:

Put a wash on
Done washing up
Stripped the beds
Put washing away
Put the bins out
Fed her
Washed her
Fed me
Washed me

That list when she was a newborn took ALL DAY. As soon as I stood up to get a drink of water she would either cry or shit herself. If I'd 'left the housework' and slept when she slept, I would have been living in a midden.

I’m exclusively breastfeeding so I naturally do all the night wakings. Due to the fact my husband isn’t lactating I fail to see what use he would be during the night. When you also have a toddler there’s no chance of napping during the day either. If people are formula feeding then it makes sense to share the work. Obviously only if the working partner can cope with the tiredness while working.

If both are happy with it then what’s the problem?

Do SAHM get tea breaks?

I did, with a 5 month old, when I breastfed him. It was great.

I used to make DH get up to help in the night with DS when he was a newborn and EBF!

DS had jaundice so we had to wake and feed every 2h. That became his little ‘routine’ and he continued to wake every 2h for 3/4 months.
For the first month or two he’d poo with each feed so I’d feed him, dh would change his nappy then give him back to me to cuddle/feed back to sleep and he’d heat up one of those lavender heat thingys to put in the snuzpod till it got nice and warm then I’d transfer DS in. I never had to leave my bed. I’m eternally grateful for DH for supporting me to breastfeed like that because it’s something I really wanted to do but would have been completely exhausted otherwise.

DH luckily had been a shift worker before so was good with broken sleep. I was zombie like in the night!

OP, what will you do when you have baby number two and you need to be out the house 5 mornings a week and drag the newborn with you - in all weathers and often in the dark. Then you have to wake them up from their afternoon snooze for pick up at 3.
Make the most of this while you can would be my advice. It won't last long!

Steeley113 I know people always over cook it, it’s not even remotely comparable to working. Being at Sahm is much easier than working and looking after dc. I don’t get how posters who over milk it. I say this as a sahm to 3 for the past 2years. I can’t wait to get back into work I’m bored beyond belief.

(Take the lavender thingy out before you put the baby in just in case it’s not obvious!)

Snappedandfarted2018

My DH thinks it is absolutely comparable to working. He thinks looking after our baby at home was harder work than his job.

Whatever works for you and your family is great.

If it works for you it works for you. Don't see why it's anyone else's business.

But for us My DH is crap on no sleep and it would massively affect his work performance so I did all the nights (also co slept and breastfed so tricky to share) but on weekends I would nap a lot!!!

Everyone is different and you do what suits you. If he's happy to do it then keep doing it!

So the problem here is whether or not you consider a day at home with a newborn less tiring than a day in an office - which depends on what kind of job you do.

When I was back at work but still up in the in the night breastfeeding I actually found it easier to be at work where i had distraction, peace and quiet and didn't have to be responsible for a tiny human without a single moment off ...

babies don't tend to 'nap' in a convenient way so that you can necessarily sleep in the day - this is such a myth.

After the first weeks where they do sleep a lot they sometimes only sleep for 20 minutes in the buggy!

I have had some stressful jobs in my time but nothign as exhausting as fulltime childcare.