To be annoyed with DSS

[LadyRussell]

DSS is 22.

His mum and DH split when he was 4. DH travelled a lot with Work and his contact with DSS was patchy at times. He could have tried harder tbh. He married and had 2 more children and DSS was included in that family and contact was more regular.

After we got together 9 years ago it DSS was a teenager and we lived 6 hours away but we always paid for DSS to fly down when he wanted to in the holidays, made him welcome and made sure he could get to family events and went to see him at least 3/4 times a year on top. Even when DH was away (with the forces) I had him every summer for two weeks.

Last few times we have gone to see him he’s changed his plans last minute and cancelled or he’s kept us hanging around all day giving us no firm plans. He doesn’t bother with his dads bday or father’s day or xmas. Obviously he gets a gift from us to the same value as the other children. We never ever let him down when we were due to see him.

OH has taken the opportunity to be in the same town as DSS this week and went up yday as DSS had today off work and he took today off so they could spend the day together.

He was really looking forward to spending some time with him and travelled up yesterday. I think he was disappointed that he didn’t even get a text on father’s day.

However DSS has cancelled on him this morning to go on a fishing trip, which I think is really poor.

AIBU to think a grown man should not behave like that and he should put some effort into his relationship with his dad (they get on really well).

I feel really sad for OH.

Nothing to suggest. It is just sad. Sometimes people just don't take another person's feeling into account.

Maybe and I don't mean this as bad as it sounds. But maybe he is treating his dad how he perceived his dad treated him as a child

After we got together 9 years ago it DSS was a teenager and we lived 6 hours away

Out of interest, how did that happen?

Why did you guys move six hours away when he had parental responsibilities? The DSS is doing to your DP exactly what was done to him, ie prioritizing others. DP is reaping what he sowed really - nobody to blame but himself.

Newtothis2017

I think this too and DH doesn’t address it.

I personally do not fancy travelling 6 hours again to be seen when he’s got time esp when it’s prearranged.

He wasn’t an active df to him as a child by your own admission and pretty much jumped from family to family one with his mother then with SM1 then with you SM2 who lived 6hours away.

It’s all very cats in the cradle, isn’t it?

DH was based near where I live when we met.

I also had children who were in school.

When we married he moved in with me he didn’t “move” as he has been based all over the world.

So he had already moved six hours away from his son? Why?

Because that is where he was sent.

I suppose he's been taught that keeping in touch isn't all that important, so he doesn't give it high priority.

“This heartbreaking song tells of a father and son who can't schedule time to be with each other, and it serves as a warning against putting one's career before family. The verses start out with a natural harmony and depict the tale of a father with his newborn son. Although dad gets the necessities of child rearing accomplished, he doesn't allow himself to put in quality time with his son because of his career. Initially, this seems like no big deal because of his hectic and oblivious life working and paying bills.

The recurring verse has the son saying, "I'm gonna be like you Dad, you know I'm gonna be like you..."

Over time, both father and son grow into a switching of life roles. The father realizes his son's ambitions of college, grades, and driving, and wants to spend more time with him, yet slowly grasps the reality that now his son has no time for such things. In the last verse, Chapin illustrates that the son is all grown up with a fast-paced job and kids of his own. In a glaring twist of roles, we see that the son now has no time to spend with his father. With a heavy heart, dad realizes that his boy has become just like him.“

So this lad had his parents together then his df leaves gets with SM1 has two kids leaves then gets with SM2 who has kids and leaves 6hours away so now he has step siblings aswell as half siblings? God your dp is a prize catch isn’t he. He hasn’t been there for him and provided him with a stable upbringing.

I guess he is reaping what he sowed.

Sad but can't blame his son really.

If no one put their career before their family we wouldn’t have any armed forces, police officers or Drs.

Having a career doesn’t give someone the excuse to be a shit dad

Most people are a bit angsty in their early twenties, which often translates into distancing themselves from parents. Seems healthy enough to me. If your DH stays the course then he'll come back in contact eventually.

LadyRussell I have close experience of one of the careers you mentioned.
It is not a forgone conclusion that a man in this situation will behave as poorly as your current dh did.

You reap what you sew, his dad didn't used to bother making an effort and so why should he now?

It's the price of the forces when you split you really split

If your DH stays the course then he'll come back in contact eventually.

Bet he doesn’t though...

(Stay the course that is...)

You don’t get a choice where you want to live when you are in the armed forces, people read the posts properly.

I don’t have an issue if he feels he doesn’t want to spend time with DH who is not a shit dad.

I have an issue with a 22 year old gown man making arrangements with his father knowing he is driving 6 hours and then ditching him out for a better offer.

That’s just bloody rude.

AIBU to think a grown man should not behave like that and he should put some effort into his relationship with his dad

Your DP was a grown man when he wasn’t making an effort to have a relationship with his son! In my experience early 20s is a prime age for realising your parent/s are shits and not worth the anguish