To be annoyed with DSS

[LadyRussell]

DSS is 22.

His mum and DH split when he was 4. DH travelled a lot with Work and his contact with DSS was patchy at times. He could have tried harder tbh. He married and had 2 more children and DSS was included in that family and contact was more regular.

After we got together 9 years ago it DSS was a teenager and we lived 6 hours away but we always paid for DSS to fly down when he wanted to in the holidays, made him welcome and made sure he could get to family events and went to see him at least 3/4 times a year on top. Even when DH was away (with the forces) I had him every summer for two weeks.

Last few times we have gone to see him he’s changed his plans last minute and cancelled or he’s kept us hanging around all day giving us no firm plans. He doesn’t bother with his dads bday or father’s day or xmas. Obviously he gets a gift from us to the same value as the other children. We never ever let him down when we were due to see him.

OH has taken the opportunity to be in the same town as DSS this week and went up yday as DSS had today off work and he took today off so they could spend the day together.

He was really looking forward to spending some time with him and travelled up yesterday. I think he was disappointed that he didn’t even get a text on father’s day.

However DSS has cancelled on him this morning to go on a fishing trip, which I think is really poor.

AIBU to think a grown man should not behave like that and he should put some effort into his relationship with his dad (they get on really well).

I feel really sad for OH.

Hmm, my parents divorced when I was young and my df was in the military too. Plenty of postings to active war zones etc (still have all the blue airmail letters he sent). Didn't stop him being an active dad, attending parent teacher meetings, coming to sports days and having equal holiday time with us. I'm sure it was a juggling act for him but if he did drop a ball it wasn't our one.
Think hiding behind the military is a piss poor excuse actually

It’s difficult to attend parents evenings when he isn’t in active duty he is based 6 hours away.

He can do it now for his other kids as he lives on a base 3 hours away in the same town as his younger kids and he comes home some weekends.

*on

And he cannot write while he is away.

Yes, let a 22 year old act like a rude self absorbed prat, and don't point out that he's wasting other people's time, and hurting their feelings.

That's great advice and will produce the type of adults and realstionships we need more of

the idea that because he lived far away from is son, he cannot now ever say to him as an adult 'Oi, when we make arrangments and you ditch me at the last minute it really upsets me" is a very odd one to me.

How many years should this man now accept blatently rude unkind behaviour from this young man without ever being able to mention it? When he's 30, 40 or never?

Just have a conversation, and it's probably easily resolved.

And he cannot write while he is away.

What role does he have that stops him communicating with his family?

One where you can’t have any contact with them while you are away.

If no one put their career before their family we wouldn’t have any armed forces, police officers or Drs.

I haven't RTFT but just want to pick up on this - as a police officer my career does NOT come before my family. I adore my job, it's the best thing I ever did and it defines me, but it doesn't come before my family and I think you need to stop making excuses for your DP.

If he can't write to his family she's unlikley to be able to openly tell people on the internet!

So further more he barely got his df but his half siblings have got more time than he ever did. No wonder he feels like this! My ex was in the same boat as your dss and it really affected him.

If he can't write to his family she's unlikley to be able to openly tell people on the internet!

Or it's just convenient to say that but isn't actually true!

Believe me it’s true - why would I lie about something like that to a load of strangers on the internet.

If I died Dh would not know until he got back.

Well that's pretty shit @LadyRussell - perhaps not the most family friendly choice.
Ok, yes his son is being rude but he is likely harbouring a whole lot of resentment towards a predominantly absent father. 22 is still young and chances are he's meeting other young people who have a totally different childhood experience which is making him revisit his own.
Whichever way you write this my sympathy lies with your ss, he was short changed and the impact of that must have been very hard on him.

I reckon he's submariner

Bastard.

He should have given up his job, like the people on here what really love their kids.

And refused to ever have another relattionship, unless it was with a women from the same town his son lived in, even though he was never there.

And then getting divorced.
Double Bastard.

I'm guessing he's a submariner? There are no comms when out on patrol.

It is what it is OP. And you know why. You and your DH can only hope he comes round as he becomes older - as long as you put back the unconditional love now. Unconditional love is often uncomfortable and even, at times inconvenient. ☹️

In your op you say that your dh could have tried harder with contact/with his son but now you seem to be saying that it was only his job that was the issue. Which is it?
If he didn’t try as hard as he could to build a good relationship with his son then he is reaping what he has sown like others have said. I think the fact that he isn’t jumping at the chance of a relatively rare opportunity to see his dad shows what their relationship is like tbh.

Unconditional love does not mean never commenting when someone behaves in a way you don't like or upsets you.

It's honest conversations that strengthen relastionships.

Unconditional love is not rejecting someone for their behaviour.

Accepting what is just shitty behaviour, is never the solution to any relastionship anywhere ever. Including parents and children, both ways.

Doesn't have to be a drama, but honest conversations need to be had.

Dh chose new families and careers.

Dss chose golf.

🤷‍♀️

There was a period where he didn’t try very hard when his first marriage broke down and he was posted a long way away and I guess was preoccupied with all that.

With his first wife and with me there has always been regular contact (until he got to about 18 and wasn’t overly bothered).

He has always been welcomed with open arms here and I have taken him to see his 1st step mum.

BabyItsAWildWorld

There is an "honest conversation" and having a "sharp word".

If the OP or the DH tries the sharp word he is going to get a fuck ton of truths back.

If he wants an honest conversation where the OP's DH admits his mistakes and listens respectfully to his son he might just get somewhere.

And just because the OP and her DH can justify to themselves what went on doesn't mean that it is the truth according to the DS.

Did your DSS lose contact with his younger half siblings too during that period when your DH wasn't trying very hard?

No one is justifying anything.

I have felt attacked on this thread and have defended me and DH.

I know how much effort I have put in and I know how much effort DH has put in and it does not warrant this behaviour from DSS.

OH openly admits he has made mistakes.

Most of us would benefit from the gift of hindsight when it comes to our parenting.

I know I would.

LunaTrap

I have always ensured that he has had a relationship with his siblings.

I don’t know what happened as so wasn’t around. That was up to both the mothers.