Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DSS

235 replies

LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 19:08

DSS is 22.

His mum and DH split when he was 4. DH travelled a lot with Work and his contact with DSS was patchy at times. He could have tried harder tbh. He married and had 2 more children and DSS was included in that family and contact was more regular.

After we got together 9 years ago it DSS was a teenager and we lived 6 hours away but we always paid for DSS to fly down when he wanted to in the holidays, made him welcome and made sure he could get to family events and went to see him at least 3/4 times a year on top. Even when DH was away (with the forces) I had him every summer for two weeks.

Last few times we have gone to see him he’s changed his plans last minute and cancelled or he’s kept us hanging around all day giving us no firm plans. He doesn’t bother with his dads bday or father’s day or xmas. Obviously he gets a gift from us to the same value as the other children. We never ever let him down when we were due to see him.

OH has taken the opportunity to be in the same town as DSS this week and went up yday as DSS had today off work and he took today off so they could spend the day together.

He was really looking forward to spending some time with him and travelled up yesterday. I think he was disappointed that he didn’t even get a text on father’s day.

However DSS has cancelled on him this morning to go on a fishing trip, which I think is really poor.

AIBU to think a grown man should not behave like that and he should put some effort into his relationship with his dad (they get on really well).

I feel really sad for OH.

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 25/06/2018 19:53

My OH was a dad. His job new women and children prevented him from being around for long periods.

Fixed it for you.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 25/06/2018 19:56

Of course op you got your oh version of events that are a 100 % accurate. Hmm

Pengggwn · 25/06/2018 20:00

So he put his careee before his son, and now he is seeing the results of that. Meh.

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 25/06/2018 20:01

A PP said maybe he is treating his Dad how he perceived his Dad treated him as a child and you OP then replied saying I think this too and DH doesn't address it

My Dad left us (3 children) and our mother when I was 9. Now as an old man he gets upset & angry because my brother (7 when he left) is a bit remote from him. Like your DH, my Dad doesn't want to address it either.

If he values his relationship with this son, encourage him to address it before it is too late.

KittyMcKitty · 25/06/2018 20:06

I think many posters are deliberately missing the point - her dh is in the forces and as such is posted on active duty (to war zones) for many month stints - these ar generally the sort of postings you can pop home eow from! This is the nature of the job.

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 25/06/2018 20:07

it's like trying to crack a nut

Do you not understand this must run very deep for the son? It may take a while and a lot of effort from your DH before "they move on with their adult relationship on an equal footing." He needs to keep trying.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 20:09

He hasn’t stopped trying.

OP posts:
tildaMa · 25/06/2018 20:10

I don’t have an issue if he feels he doesn’t want to spend time with DH who is not a shit dad.

He is a shit dad. Deal with it.

Thesearepearls · 25/06/2018 20:11

Can I just ask whether your DP made financial provision for his flocks of children? Bit arsey this question but if a bloke is given to having multiple sets of children, I think it's relevant

I understand that your husband is in the forces but I doubt he is well paid. That's a whole other thread of course and people who are prepared to put their lives down for their country undoubtedly deserve better pay

So - how many kids and did he pay for them all?

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 25/06/2018 20:11

That's good to hear

SoddingUnicorns · 25/06/2018 20:12

her dh is in the forces and as such is posted on active duty

DP and BIL both ex squaddies, both war veterans, both not absent dads (beyond the actual tours).

MissionItsPossible · 25/06/2018 20:12

I think many posters are deliberately missing the point - her dh is in the forces and as such is posted on active duty (to war zones) for many month stints - these ar generally the sort of postings you can pop home eow from! This is the nature of the job.

Very good point, to be fair.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 20:13

He has three children from two relationships he’s hardly Mick Jagger.

And yes he paid maintenance for DSS and we still pay his ex wife maintenance.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 25/06/2018 20:14

To be honest, though, I would live in a box before being separated from my daughter. It's not good enough to say, oh, well, work posted me 500 miles away, what can I do? Hmm

You can refuse and resign, and not leave your kids.

Ruffian · 25/06/2018 20:16

Well it was rude of him to cancel after your DH had travelled up just to see him but otherwise yabu - you admit that your dh could have tried harder to be a better father so there's no point carping about the lack of Father's day cards and texts now.

Jimdandy · 25/06/2018 20:19

I’m going to go against the grain from the shredding you’re getting.

If your step son has other plans etc, I’m sure that’s fine.

But it’s not nice to not just say that and be messed around. I do t think that’s acceptable behaviour.

diddl · 25/06/2018 20:21

"OH has taken the opportunity to be in the same town as DSS this week"

What does this mean?

He happens to be working there, so no effort on his part?

His son decided to do something else with his day off, but why does it matter if his dad is there for the week?

Original poster
LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 20:22

No he didn’t happen to be there.

There was an opportunity which he took solely because it was there.

OP posts:
TesstheTimid · 25/06/2018 20:23

I'm with Jimdandy - it was rude of your DSS to cancel.

But as a stepMum, you won't get any sympathy with the vipers who nest in AIBU.

LunaTrap · 25/06/2018 20:25

Well you acknowledge that his contact with his son was patchy and that he could have tried harder- that is down to him, not his job. Your DH had a responsibility to his son, his son doesn't have an obligation to him. It would be nice if he was interested in making an effort but it is your DH who set the tone of their relationship. His son is just continuing the same way.

Ruffian · 25/06/2018 20:25

See what you mean Diddl, the DH was tying in work opportunity and seeing his ds - I thought he had made the trip solely to see him.

bastardkitty · 25/06/2018 20:26

OP I don't think you're doing your DH any favours by feeling sorry for him and angry with your DSS. He's been a very poor father and his son is letting him know that. By all means be supportive of your DH but he needs a reality check to be honest.

Smiler88 · 25/06/2018 20:28

It sounds like it could be one of two things - perhaps a recent experience has triggered feelings of abandonment (however right or wrong that may be) so he is dropping plans deliberately in a kind of pay-back. Or, perhaps he is a bit thoughtless like his dad has been in the past (although it doesn't sound like he is anymore) and so doesn't really think of the repercussions of not seeing his father/thinks it's ok to drop plans as his dad might have done similar in the past.

Either way the only way you'll find out is if your DH speaks to DSS - preferably alone and in an honest and heartfelt way.

RoboJesus · 25/06/2018 20:30

It sounds like he was a Disney dad and now the kids grown up to realise he has no real bond with him so doesn't care anymore. Sorry

bastardkitty · 25/06/2018 20:34

If your H is going to speak to his son, he needs to acknowledge his own shortcomings and say what he would like to happen. He shouldn't even think about moaning or complaining about the relationship or lack of fathers day text. He would need to expect that he can't just say his piece then things will be great. There's no indication that his son is ready to talk to him anyway. I guess his son has grown up with hurt, disappointment and feeling he is unimportant to his dad. Your H will have his work cut out to show his commitment now.