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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DSS

235 replies

LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 19:08

DSS is 22.

His mum and DH split when he was 4. DH travelled a lot with Work and his contact with DSS was patchy at times. He could have tried harder tbh. He married and had 2 more children and DSS was included in that family and contact was more regular.

After we got together 9 years ago it DSS was a teenager and we lived 6 hours away but we always paid for DSS to fly down when he wanted to in the holidays, made him welcome and made sure he could get to family events and went to see him at least 3/4 times a year on top. Even when DH was away (with the forces) I had him every summer for two weeks.

Last few times we have gone to see him he’s changed his plans last minute and cancelled or he’s kept us hanging around all day giving us no firm plans. He doesn’t bother with his dads bday or father’s day or xmas. Obviously he gets a gift from us to the same value as the other children. We never ever let him down when we were due to see him.

OH has taken the opportunity to be in the same town as DSS this week and went up yday as DSS had today off work and he took today off so they could spend the day together.

He was really looking forward to spending some time with him and travelled up yesterday. I think he was disappointed that he didn’t even get a text on father’s day.

However DSS has cancelled on him this morning to go on a fishing trip, which I think is really poor.

AIBU to think a grown man should not behave like that and he should put some effort into his relationship with his dad (they get on really well).

I feel really sad for OH.

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 25/06/2018 19:28

You don’t get a choice where you want to live when you are in the armed forces, people read the posts properly.

No but you do get the choice about shacking up with wife number 2 and 3, and splitting your time with another two offspring instead of committing to the one you already have in an already acknowledged difficult contact situation.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 25/06/2018 19:29

That’s not your opinion that courts it’s you’re DSS. I think he’s got a bit of cheek when he messed his child about.

Notthatwomanagain · 25/06/2018 19:30

I’m a doctor I have seen plenty of my kids, shared a hose with them and made sacrifices in my career to be with them.

Your DH should expect nothing else. They might get on well enough but there’s no close bond and tbh you sound quick to judge the son and not your DH.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 19:31

I am wife no 2 actually not 3.

He was making an effort, there were times when he was not able to be in contact and during school time it was very difficult to be regular other than school holidays.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 25/06/2018 19:34

So is that rudeness from your DSS worse than his dad barely being there for him when he was growing up? If I were your DH I would be very careful not to get on my high horse about this. His best bet would be to be forgiving and hope that in time his son will be too.

PretABoire · 25/06/2018 19:34

his contact with DSS was patchy at times. He could have tried harder tbh

Why would dss care about his dads feelings when his dad forgets his when convenient?

NotTakenUsername · 25/06/2018 19:34

I am wife no 2 actually not 3.

Yea, that wasn't the important part of that post.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 25/06/2018 19:37

I love how the son should make an effort in the relationship but that it was ok for his dad to move hours away and then prioritise his time off by having more chidren with a new partner miles away from his existing child.

As children turn to adults they start to see things more clearly and it's likely he's now treating his dad with the same importance and he did to him as a child. Buying gifts and seeing a child in the holidays wasn't ever going to win him father of the year.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 25/06/2018 19:40

Do you have dc with this waste of space to op? Sounds like he can’t keep in his pants jumping from woman to woman.

bluemoonchances · 25/06/2018 19:41

Sounds similar to my DH and DFIL relationship. When DH was growing up he was pretty rubbish, lived far away and my DH ended up feeling the contact was a chore for both of them. Roll on 20 years DFIL doesn't understand why DH puts his friends and own DM before him. DH just figures he's never been priority so why bother now?

It may be upsetting for your DH to accept but I expect the DSS thought he'd have more fun fishing and because of past history wasn't fussed about cancelling on your DH.

Ohyesiam · 25/06/2018 19:43

I can’t see if you are wife two or 3, you make it sound like it was all happening to other people.

But anyway, stepson either very insensitive or has a message to get across ( believing himself wrongly treated in the past). Either way your dh needs to calmly ask him what it’s about.

SoddingUnicorns · 25/06/2018 19:43

his contact with DSS was patchy at times. He could have tried harder tbh

I think that’s why. Fair or not, I’m sure it does feel very unfair to you and your DH. Much like “patchy” contact probably felt very unfair to your DSS as a child.

Neolara · 25/06/2018 19:43

To me it seems less likely that your dss isn't bothering with your DH and more likely that your dss is making a very clear statement to your DH about how he sees him. Sorry.

SoddingUnicorns · 25/06/2018 19:44

Oh and my dad had a full on career, still does, but he managed to be a dad.

DP lives away from his girls and works lots of hours, he still manages to be their dad and our kids’ dad too. Work isn’t an excuse. It just isn’t.

Ohyesiam · 25/06/2018 19:44

Sorry, I see you’re wife number two.

Could your dh bring it up with him?

mrsm43s · 25/06/2018 19:45

Sadly your DH chose not to prioritise fostering a good relationship with his son during his childhood, and this is the result.

With all due respect, this is entirely what your husband deserves - he should probably use this to reflect back on all the times he let his son down and didn't put him first,and how this must have made that poor boy feel.

If I was the son, I'd not be making much of an effort with this relationship tbh. Your DH is 20+ years too late to start trying to play happy families.

Bythebeach · 25/06/2018 19:46

I beg to differ on your view on careers LadyRussell knowing many who do them without so deprioritising their child, being the child of parents in those careers and having such a career myself.

Furthermore I think, in the case of separated parents, it is facile to claim ‘career’ for the non resident parent when they aren’t actually raising their child in the first place. Your husband may well ‘get on’ with his son but his son is only reciprocating the relationship his father established in his childhood where the priority was clearly not the father-son relationship. I think, in a sense, non resident separated parents need to try much harder than together parents and resident parents to establish and grow a real parent-child relationship but in actual fact it is very easy for them to do much less than either resident or together parents because the resident parent is expected to handle all daily parenting and what results is just a pal-like relationship based on ‘visits’. With DSS at the age of 22, surely your DH’s best bet is to acknowledge and apologise that he was largely absent in DSS early years and offer to always be there for him should he need it from here on in.

NotTakenUsername · 25/06/2018 19:46

I don’t think dh will bring it up with him because he knows what went on when dss was a child and understands exactly why he has earned this treatment. It doesn’t tally with the Disney version told to op and that’s why she feels sad for him.

Mari50 · 25/06/2018 19:47

YABU- yes he’s a grown up now but all he’s doing is demonstrating the same shit behaviour he received when he was a child from an adult who should have had his welfare uppermost in their priorities.
In your shoes I’d be more pissed off that the man I’d married had been such an inconsiderate dad. And being in the forces isn’t a get out of jail for not stepping up to the mark.
‘Holidays, family events plus 3/4 times a year on top’ is all a bit shit when you think there are actually 365 days in a year!

SoddingUnicorns · 25/06/2018 19:47

I don’t think dh will bring it up with him because he knows what went on when dss was a child and understands exactly why he has earned this treatment. It doesn’t tally with the Disney version told to op and that’s why she feels sad for him

I thought this too.

sue51 · 25/06/2018 19:48

When children get older they tend to review the past and if your DH was a parent who didn't put the effort in, why should DSS do any different.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 19:50

My OH was a dad. His job prevented him from being around for long periods.

He was in his late teens when DSS was born and they were both young. He got back from being away and DSS Mum had been having an affair with the NDN (fair enough they are still together).

He was then with wife no 1 for 8 years - those children we see a lot of.

I am trying to persuade him to get it out in the open and for DH to talk to DSS how he feels etc so they can move on with their adult relationship on an equal footing but it’s like trying to crack a nut.

OP posts:
Thesearepearls · 25/06/2018 19:50

See the thing is that kids are generally ungrateful. They don't realise the sacrifices you make. It wasn't until I had my daughter that I learnt to be a better daughter.

At 22 the kid's still a kid. Cut him some slack and maybe a slight remonstration might be in order.

One of the issues here is the issue of distance. Your DSS is not that close to your DH due to the distance. I understand why that is the case but kids are pretty relentless and unforgiving about this sort of thing. It's just going to take time.

MissionItsPossible · 25/06/2018 19:51

I think the majority of people on here have got it right OP. Whoever posted the comments about the Cats in the Cradle song have it spot on as this is exactly what it sounds like.

Thesearepearls · 25/06/2018 19:53

Have you got children OP? Just re-read the thread properly

Because your DH is going some if you don't mind me saying. How many sets of kids does he have? It's a minimum of 2 and I'm guessing 3.

I wouldn't take him particularly seriously in those circumstances.

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