To be annoyed with DSS

[LadyRussell]

DSS is 22.

His mum and DH split when he was 4. DH travelled a lot with Work and his contact with DSS was patchy at times. He could have tried harder tbh. He married and had 2 more children and DSS was included in that family and contact was more regular.

After we got together 9 years ago it DSS was a teenager and we lived 6 hours away but we always paid for DSS to fly down when he wanted to in the holidays, made him welcome and made sure he could get to family events and went to see him at least 3/4 times a year on top. Even when DH was away (with the forces) I had him every summer for two weeks.

Last few times we have gone to see him he’s changed his plans last minute and cancelled or he’s kept us hanging around all day giving us no firm plans. He doesn’t bother with his dads bday or father’s day or xmas. Obviously he gets a gift from us to the same value as the other children. We never ever let him down when we were due to see him.

OH has taken the opportunity to be in the same town as DSS this week and went up yday as DSS had today off work and he took today off so they could spend the day together.

He was really looking forward to spending some time with him and travelled up yesterday. I think he was disappointed that he didn’t even get a text on father’s day.

However DSS has cancelled on him this morning to go on a fishing trip, which I think is really poor.

AIBU to think a grown man should not behave like that and he should put some effort into his relationship with his dad (they get on really well).

I feel really sad for OH.

His son is treating him the same way he perceives he has been treated - so something better comes up of course he is going to go because that is what his father did - go when something came up he wanted to do

Dont put it all on your DSS - he is merely modelling the relationship he has been shown with his Dad - feel for him that he has been taught that

Its a sad situation but one your OH has to take responsibility for

Plot twist; the dss last minute golf game was actually with a potential new fancy employer and dss was doing exactly what his daddy has taught him through all these years.

Career first, family second.

What's that they say about a woman in every port........

OP the more I read the more I think you’re being lied to. I think he’s presented you with a sob story (my XH did the same, very convincing too!).

A decent, loving, committed Dad just wouldn’t be rejected in this way. It really is that simple.

He hasn’t been the Dad he’s told you he’s been, not to your DSS at any rate. Maybe he was with his other kids, which must make your DSS feel worse!

Oh and the attitude isn’t towards forces families. It’s towards Bloaters (forces members who inflate their own role to look better) who bullshit and lie about what they do.

"He doesn’t want to leave its his family."

And it probably shows to his son.

OP for what it's worth, it sounds like you've been a lovely and supportive step mum.

I am not from a forces family but my parents are divorced and even seeing my dad twice a week, I could see that my mum was making the day to day sacrifices that a parent SHOULD make - and that my Dad wouldn't. Even as a child you can tell there is a difference in dedication to you. And it does give you the feeling of being low on the list of priorities. Kids don't care about being wealthy, or pride in the way that a lot of dads parents seem to want them to. They just want a loving parent who knows them.

I have a difficult relationship with my dad due to the difference in attitude towards his subsequent children and families. It makes you feel like shit, and question why you weren't good enough. And wonder how someone could even treat their own child like they aren't good enough! On top of that you have the complexities that the child also saw their mother rejected, the mother who contributed 50% of their DNA and 100% of their upbringing. It's tricky to reject one parent without the child feeling the impact of that rejection too.

These relationships take time and effort to rebuild, and will mean your DH doing the chasing for a while yet. Maybe he has tried, but he hasn't tried his hardest and he hasn't done his best.

I can never understand why men (it’s usually men) move from one family to the next without caring about the children left behind each time

AIBU to think a grown man should not behave like that and he should put some effort into his relationship

the irony

Just wanted to offer another angle. My exH is in the forces and sticks to EOW (no midweeks as he is posted too far away) as long as he is not deployed. He phones the kids every night (unless he can’t because of where he is) He pays maintenance, splits birthday parties and school trips etc 50:50 and also pays for music lessons. He absolutely fulfills his responsibilities. However, he is nowhere near as close to the children as I am. He doesn’t have that easy parent-child dynamic. The children miss him a bit when he’s deployed but in all honesty not very much. They love him of course and enjoy their time together but the relationship is definitely dampened if that’s the right word.

What I’m saying is that he makes the effort. He talks to them everyday, drives a 500mile round trip EOW to see them, supports them very well financially and the relationship has still suffered. I know it can be hard for the NRP but a blanket “he’s in the forces” isn’t really an excuse for being a crap parent.

It may be that your DH is making a huge effort now but it sounds like it’s too late. I think that the only way to salvage things is to have an adult cards on the table chat and apologise for not trying harder when it mattered.