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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed with DSS

235 replies

LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 19:08

DSS is 22.

His mum and DH split when he was 4. DH travelled a lot with Work and his contact with DSS was patchy at times. He could have tried harder tbh. He married and had 2 more children and DSS was included in that family and contact was more regular.

After we got together 9 years ago it DSS was a teenager and we lived 6 hours away but we always paid for DSS to fly down when he wanted to in the holidays, made him welcome and made sure he could get to family events and went to see him at least 3/4 times a year on top. Even when DH was away (with the forces) I had him every summer for two weeks.

Last few times we have gone to see him he’s changed his plans last minute and cancelled or he’s kept us hanging around all day giving us no firm plans. He doesn’t bother with his dads bday or father’s day or xmas. Obviously he gets a gift from us to the same value as the other children. We never ever let him down when we were due to see him.

OH has taken the opportunity to be in the same town as DSS this week and went up yday as DSS had today off work and he took today off so they could spend the day together.

He was really looking forward to spending some time with him and travelled up yesterday. I think he was disappointed that he didn’t even get a text on father’s day.

However DSS has cancelled on him this morning to go on a fishing trip, which I think is really poor.

AIBU to think a grown man should not behave like that and he should put some effort into his relationship with his dad (they get on really well).

I feel really sad for OH.

OP posts:

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 25/06/2018 20:37

bastardkitty well put

Fruitcorner123 · 25/06/2018 20:38

The DSS is doing to your DP exactly what was done to him, ie prioritizing others.

Sorry but I agree with others. It doesn't matter why or how justified it was, that's how a 22 year old man would see it, especially if he has half siblings who got far more attention than him. Your DH should work on his relationship with his son and keep trying, if he really does care he will be able to win his son round but the son will fight it at first because he is hurt and angry at his dad not being a big enough part of his childhood.

ShadowHuntress · 25/06/2018 20:40

OP, is your dh still in the armed forces? I’m confused as to why people are so down on him not being there for dss. I thought if you’re in the forces, you go where they tell you to go. Seems like he didn’t have a choice to move 6 hours away.

Original poster

LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 20:41

Yes.

OP posts:

Pengggwn · 25/06/2018 20:43

I’m confused as to why people are so down on him not being there for dss. I thought if you’re in the forces, you go where they tell you to go. Seems like he didn’t have a choice to move 6 hours away.

Firstly, I could never leave my child to be posted that far away, not for any reason.

Secondly, the OP said contact was patchy and her DH could have tried harder. So, I am assuming, there were weeks at a time when he wasn't in touch with his son. That's basically abandonment.

Original poster

LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 20:45

Firstly, I could never leave my child to be posted that far away, not for any reason

So basically you are calling all service men and women shit parents?

There are months when he cannot contact anyone so he abandons us all does he?

You have no idea what you are talking about.

OP posts:

YoucancallmeVal · 25/06/2018 20:46

This is pretty much how my dd is towards her father now. She was so hurt and let down by him so many times and now he is angry that she won't just move past it and be the daughter he wants her to be. But she's been a brilliant daughter, he chose not to be part of it until it suited him. I don't think it's necessarily too late, but for my dd, while she wants to love her father and wants him to love her, she has no respect for him and is unsure of what he wants from her. She sees him when she feels obligated to do so, but she sees her 'father', he lost the right to 'dad' and the associated closeness of that relationship.

BoneyBackJefferson · 25/06/2018 20:47

Sounds like the DSS feels abandoned.

If your DH wants a relationship then he will have to build it.

Whether you (or your DH) likes it. Your DH needs to prove that he gives a shit.

Pengggwn · 25/06/2018 20:50

LadyRussell

I could never leave my child. That's how it is. It sounds like your DH not only did that - which, although I couldn't do it, is something lots of people do - he also was "patchy" in his communication with that child. No excuses for that will be forthcoming from me. It's shit 'parenting'.

bluemoonchances · 25/06/2018 20:55

Fair enough contact was not possible when DH was on tour, but I would expect the DSS to understand that, I therefore will assume that the 'patchy' contact was also when he wasn't on tour. Did he have weekly phone contact etc when he wasn't on tour? At the end of the day something happened (or didn't happen more to the point) that has caused DSS to not be fussed about maintaining a relationship with DH now.

RainySeptember · 25/06/2018 20:59

Op, is your dp a really great dad who worked hard to compensate for the fact that he was forced to work away for lengthy periods?

Because honestly, even hearing your biased version of events, it sounds like he didn't try hard enough and is now reaping what he sowed; life is a mirror.

As an aside, is it possible dss thought your dp was in his town for another reason, tagging on a visit to him? Maybe he assumed that, from past events. Maybe he remembered all the times he was disappointed as a kid, when contact with his dad was sporadic, or the times he felt his dad had replaced him with a shiny new preferred family, maybe his mum has told him stuff about his dad that he doesn't like.

Original poster

LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 20:59

The worst period was between his first marriage breaking down and meeting me which was about a year where he was posted 6 hours away and had nowhere for DSS to physically stay.

He always had contact at least once a week when not away, but he was away a lot IYSWIM.

OP posts:

stilltryingstillfailing · 25/06/2018 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 21:00

His mum didn’t tell him things - she’s not like that.

OP posts:

stilltryingstillfailing · 25/06/2018 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aaarrrggghhhh · 25/06/2018 21:05

Well I bet that there were many many times when he was a little boy when he felt let down by his dad - regardless of how you want to spin your husbands past behaviour

HollyGibney · 25/06/2018 21:07

I'm from an army background so I get the posting away and lack of choice in the matter. However I knew a lot of army Dads living away from their children and it really was out of sight out of mind and a kind of complacency and no real urgency about seeing them. There was always something more interesting and fun to be doing and being in the forces is all consuming and a huge commitment, their children just weren't that important and it was a common and fairly accepted thing to not see much of them. So while I do understand I am afraid I have very little sympathy, he didn't build the relationship, the bonds are weak and he's not important as a parent to his son. Sad but completely understandable.

Original poster

LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 21:09

HollyGibney

He’s not in the army, not all forces dads are the same and they do have a bond.

OP posts:

HollyGibney · 25/06/2018 21:11

I didn't say he was in the army did I? bI said I understood the posting away issue due to my army background.

And from what you've posted I think he sounds identical to the ones I knew.

WetsTheVet · 25/06/2018 21:12

The son will hold on to a lot of anger and resentment. It's the dads fault, not his.

diddl · 25/06/2018 21:18

It's not just the postings though.

After a while there was another family to fit into & then that also fell apart.

Now, yet another family!

BabyItsAWildWorld · 25/06/2018 21:19

I don't think your Dh sounds like he's been a shit dad actually.

His DS didn't have the ideal childhood, with respect to his dad being far away, but most of that seems to be circumstances and not his dad not caring.

And thank goodness we do have people prepared to leave their families and serve their country when required eh?

From what you describe, despite the circumstances, your DH has tried quite hard.

i think your DSS is being a self absorbed young person, who can't imagine why he should give up what he's rather do right now for some boring old person thing.

He needs telling with a sharp word, it's rude, whoever is doing it.

Original poster

LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 21:19

DSS is our family.

OP posts:

BoneyBackJefferson · 25/06/2018 21:22

He needs telling with a sharp word, it's rude, whoever is doing it.

Yeah lets chase him away even further. good advice

Theducksarenotmyfriends · 25/06/2018 21:23

To be fair he's 22, a young adult. I didn't have loads to do with my parents at that age, was living my life and being independent. I'm now very close to them again. I think it's normal to have a bit of distance sometime, especially in his situation where it sounds like he and his dad weren't particularly close in his childhood anyway.

Btw my dad was a doctor and raised 5 kids without being a shit dad, so you can't use career choice as an excuse for him (mum worked FT too).

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