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AIBU?

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Original poster

Did this woman think she was going on a date with my husband?

234 replies

poopsqueak · 25/06/2018 17:55

Right. This is a weird one.

Husband has a hobby. This woman sort of partakes in a similar hobby (think musician/dancer) so crosses paths with my husband and me on occasion.

I have met her on occasion. Not got a great vibe and felt a bit scrutinised and she was a bit patronising to me.

She sent him a fb message last week saying she had a 'spare' ticket to a gig and would he like it because it was sold out. Kind I thought but we had actually already got tickets to this gig.

It obviously sounded off to him because he showed me the message and said 'she'll be going with (mutual friend) and thought I might like to go, maybe he suggested me?'

I was like Hmm thinking hmm you are being kind assuming a big group are going. So he messaged her back saying 'yes me and Poop are already planning on going, see you there thanks for the thought etc.'

Anyway we went to the gig and she turned up at the venue next door, by herself and sits with us. Very dressed up. I asked (cringing at this now) 'who are you meeting are X and X coming?' And she replied 'no, just you two'

AIBU to think she thought she was going on a date with my husband? It's just made both of us (myself and my husband) feel a bit uncomfortable tbh.

OP posts:
PencilTroll · 08/07/2018 00:07

Anyone who thinks this woman isn't making a play for your husband is extremely naive and needs their head read.

She clearly has an ego the size of a continent and sees herself as a special goddess that your husband is simply going to fall at her feet. I have seen this all a million times, I've worked in the music industry for many years, have many musician friends and my husband is also in a band. Groupies have been around forever and are drawn to the fame, even minor, like moths to a flame.
Your husband needs to take her aside, explain to her that her behaviour is creeping him out and that he wants her to show him and his family some respect and stop embarrassing herself by behaving like a tramp.
If she continues to show up call her out in public in front of others, speak to mutual friends in advance if need be to lay the groundwork.
This has to come from him, not you, she sees you as collateral damage.

CardsforKittens · 08/07/2018 00:10

It does sound a bit stalkerish to me. And being stalked is very disturbing, and not at all flattering or sexy.

Sometimes a lot of talking about the wonderfulness of one's partner is enough to deter an ardent admirer, but if that doesn't do the trick it might be necessary to take more drastic action. At that point, you need specialist advice. I hope it doesn't come to that.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 08/07/2018 00:17

I think some men are too nice. Most are arseholes but a few are just too nice and naive. The snide remarks seemed to just go over his head.

My sister got quite a bit of support from the other band members partners and some of the band. She seemed fairly laid back about it and had absolute faith in her ex. He seemed oblivious to the fact his No.1 fan was all over him and just saw her as someone who was a massive fan.

I think she imagines that one day they will be together!

Dandeliontea123 · 08/07/2018 00:28

She sounds weird.

Seems to me that she is taking advantage of her social position to find out when your husband will be with the mutual friends so that she can turn up ‘unexpectedly’.

Can your husband speak with any of the mutual friends about your concerns?

Helloflamingogo · 08/07/2018 00:30

Also, he needs to delete her from fb.

MiddleClassProblem · 08/07/2018 00:35

Maybe she’s his long lost sister from a parental affair... too much telly

happinessischocolate · 08/07/2018 01:28

Thing is if you dh is in a band it doesn't matter if he's s hottie or not, there are women who will just throw themselves at band members.

My db was in a band and there would be a different girl at every gig and trust me he's no looker 😂

TheMaddHugger · 08/07/2018 02:56

@poopsqueak Sat 07-Jul-18 23:13:41
So she sat with them in a kind of 'oh look you are here, mind if I join' and he just said he bottled being blunt and instead just said it was his last drink and left.

Have you asked the others he was drinking with if she left after he did ?
As in - He was the only reason she was there? Or did she stay and drink with the others ?
TwinkulTwinkle · 08/07/2018 07:01

Hi Poopsqueak - sorry you were feeling bad last nightFlowers Maybe a way forward is for you and DH to overtly collude to make her feel uncomfortable whether she decides to spend time in you two's company in the future. Act like mean girls do (that's one of my fave words at the mo' Grin ) - so maybe start talking about someone or some event (fictitious or real) that she can't join in on and/or randomly start laughing or smiling like there's some big joke that you two can hardly contain etc all the while making no attempt to clue her in with backstory - so acting like she's not there in an obvious way - so after a (hopefully, very short) while - she'll be the one feeling uncomfortable. I, for one - would thing twice about meandering over to people who treated me like that in a hurry again. It's not nice/polite - but ( and some of the posters on mumsnet have helped in this regard, so a general 'thanks') - I'm finally realising to reserve nice/polite behaviour to those that merit it. I hope you have a better day today x

Bellalunagirl · 08/07/2018 07:21

If she's best mates with the wife of a friend then why not get your DH to have a word with said friend and get his wife to talk to her. Perhaps it will give her a wake up call to know people are aware and not in a positive way. That way your DH can't be accused of being harsh and it impacting the group.

If he does, make sure it all comes from him so he says 'I'm uncomfortable and unhappy with this and want it to stop not my wife is uncomfortable'

I bet that will do the trick.

Original poster
poopsqueak · 08/07/2018 09:36

Hey just wanted to say thanks for your support last night I was very upset.

Had a barney with DH as he seems to think he came home for me (I didn't ask him to though) anyway we are all sorted now. We have formulated a plan for today. We will be with our child today so I do wonder if that will change the brazen-ness.

Not sure what happened to her after he left: she didn't know the other two guys though so would have been weird to stay out with them.

OP posts:
BuggeringNora · 08/07/2018 10:31

Just to echo what happinessischocolate said. I can't believe how naive some of the posters on here are! My DH is a musician, (resting at the moment!), also in a fairly niche field. He's no sex god Grin, but he fronts a band and that is all it takes. I've had women literally walk in front of me and proposition him like I wasn't there. It absolutely does go on. You have my utmost sympathy OP.

Helloflamingogo · 08/07/2018 11:05

Poops if he blocks/deletes her from fb she won’t be able to see where he is or that he exists so he can tell her he deleted fb —because he was being stalked—

ferntwist · 08/07/2018 11:18

What’s your plan for today? Can’t he just tell her to go away, politely?

SoftBallSophie · 08/07/2018 11:22

Perhaps your DH could have a quiet word with his mates DW (this woman's BF) and just say he's been feeling a bit uncomfortable as she seems to always be around him and that he's happily married and not at all interested. Perhaps the message will get through then.

Or maybe a funny comment next time she's around 'oh hello, there you are again, you always seem to find me, haha be careful not to stalk married men' (big cheerful laugh)

SalemBlackCat · 08/07/2018 11:48

What an awful situation for you to be in OP. It is now quite clear she is interested in him. Luckily you seem to have a good man there who clearly is not putting up with or encouraging it.

pigeondujour · 08/07/2018 12:03

Not sure what happened to her after he left: she didn't know the other two guys though so would have been weird to stay out with them.

Oh, god, how embarrassing for her. Why would anyone show up in those circumstances?! So cringeworthy and awkward.

BMW6 · 08/07/2018 12:21

She sounds like a limpet with the skin of a rhino. I think he should block her from fb and just be polite but distant if she tries to latch on to him again. I don't think you need be concerned as it takes two to tango and he isn't interested in her.
Don't warn her off yourself - she could take that as encouragement to continue her pursuit as you think he IS interested in her iyswim. The "I am not remotely into you" message MUST come from him.

Zucker · 08/07/2018 12:47

At least now her intentions are clear OP.

The same people on this thread telling you you're make a fuss about nothing will be the very ones posting on the Relationships board saying OMG I can't believe he's done this I didn't see this coming!

Original poster
poopsqueak · 08/07/2018 19:53

Back from the event. She was there.

She didn't come near myself, my husband or my child although I did see her looking a few times. I wouldn't have said anything to her in front of DC anyway.

We just stayed the bare minimum time then left. Wasn't nice to feel like someone was watching us but Dc didn't notice.

He's blocked her from his personal Fb, but of course the music one is pubLic and events will be public too so I can't possibly hope to deter her from coming to those.

OP posts:
Helloflamingogo · 08/07/2018 19:55

That’s something at least, no tagging the band page at personal events!

I’d be having a word with the best friend. As much as it’s your husbands lookout, I’d have a quiet word about how strange you’re finding it.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 08/07/2018 20:00

She doesn’t sound strange at all. You do, though.

Timefortea99 · 08/07/2018 20:33

OP is not at all strange. She was spot on. She saw through a little chancer, and more importantly so did her DH.

Beebiesandcheebies · 08/07/2018 20:38

Instincts proved right me thinks

EvilMorty · 08/07/2018 20:54

Is it a punk band? I know those circles and initially this didn’t put my back up, we all know each other and there’s bound to be someone you know at a gig, she might just have been offering him a ticket. Dancers, groupies, other bands etc, all friends.

But since you’ve said about the pub thing it sounds weirder. Some women do see the boys in the band as trophies and us oldies have been round that block years ago and are settled now. She’s a pretty young thing and enjoying it maybe. Avoid and just ride it out.

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