Did this woman think she was going on a date with my husband?

[poopsqueak]

Right. This is a weird one.

Husband has a hobby. This woman sort of partakes in a similar hobby (think musician/dancer) so crosses paths with my husband and me on occasion.

I have met her on occasion. Not got a great vibe and felt a bit scrutinised and she was a bit patronising to me.

She sent him a fb message last week saying she had a 'spare' ticket to a gig and would he like it because it was sold out. Kind I thought but we had actually already got tickets to this gig.

It obviously sounded off to him because he showed me the message and said 'she'll be going with (mutual friend) and thought I might like to go, maybe he suggested me?'

I was like thinking hmm you are being kind assuming a big group are going. So he messaged her back saying 'yes me and Poop are already planning on going, see you there thanks for the thought etc.'

Anyway we went to the gig and she turned up at the venue next door, by herself and sits with us. Very dressed up. I asked (cringing at this now) 'who are you meeting are X and X coming?' And she replied 'no, just you two'

AIBU to think she thought she was going on a date with my husband? It's just made both of us (myself and my husband) feel a bit uncomfortable tbh.

The attitudes on here always remind me of sharia law where it’s technically illegal for an unrelated man and woman to be together in the same enclosed or private space in case they fall upon one another like beasts.

No one has answered my question — do you think married men are entirely out of bounds for friendship? If so, why? In case the man and woman have an affair? Because another woman already ‘owns’ him and there’s only room for a single Alpha Woman in each man’s life?

Because friendships need to start somewhere. One of my two closest friends is a married man I met through work, and I think the first thing we did together outside of work was go to a play, because I had a spare ticket when another friend cancelled. It was definitely not a date.

If you were honest, you find a new female threatening, you think your husband might be tempted by her, and you’re doing everything you can to convince yourself she’s playing a game when if you’d posted this on a male forum they’d probably just reply she wanted to go to a gig and had a spare ticket, she asked someone, he said no he’s already going, his wife said ‘see you there’ and new woman took that as meaning she’d be welcome to tag along.

Everything else, all the ‘vibes’, perceived sarcasm on her behalf, awkwardness in your company, is most likely all in your head.

Pimlico I'm sure friendship can happen as you demonstrate however no matter how trendy we are about it there really aren't many husbands who would be thrilled at their wives being asked out to a gig by a single guy.

Sharia law has nothing to do with it.

I don’t think anyone is saying that married people can’t have friends of either sex. The Op for whatever reason distrusts this girl’s motives and she is entitled to be a bit wary

I agree with buck and have [mostly] RTFT, however, when I was in my 20s and even 30s I would be this insensitive to 'perceptions' and would most likely have been as impervious to these as the young dancer is.

I would very probably have offered a spare ticket to someone I knew without considering his/her marital status.

Most likely in the same scenario I would have been treated as an invader/threat and not realized why I was getting the bad vibes.

In my clumsy, young attempts to be 'cool with the marrieds' I'd probably have stood to one side to give you some 1:1 time.

I might have even dressed up (or down) depending on how I felt.

I might have wanted to pull too (but not your husband as he's a married guy and also too old for me).

It could have been me, yeah, yeah......

I wouldn't read too much into it really; and it's your DH's ego that needs to be checked - he obviously thinks that these young dancers would be interested in him, why else does he "feel uncomfortable"?

And very likely they aren't interested at all.

Umm Pimlico I literally answered you down thread. I said it's fine for married men and women to be friends.

This is not the same. They aren't friends really. That's come from my husband who was as puzzled as I was.

I think your instinct is right and you should listen to that and don’t question it.

This is kind of nasty. She knew you were going, she made no reference to a date, she was happy to come with you there too. It sounds to me like she is being friendly to both of you.

Do you and DH make a habit of thinking single women are after him?

OP doesn't like the woman because she was "patronising" to OP when they first met and now OP's constructing this whole ridiculous plot that she's out to snatch OP's husband, probably because that's what OP would like to do if the shoe was on the other foot. Basically projection and lack of self confidence.

I'm not being nasty. I wasn't nasty to her, I felt really awkward so tried to make sure the conversation flowed. I I said down thread i even tried to talk to her about her interests. But she was abrupt with me and kind of made out that I didn't know what I was talking about.

She just kept talking to my husband.

He's not mega famous or anything but he is successful in his field (which is a very niche field) and does have people who attend all of his gigs and events (men and women) so maybe I am on guard for people who may not have he best intentions.

‘You felt quite threatened ‘ says more about you than her.

Tildama what are you on about. Are you a troll?

@poopsqueak No, I'm out to snatch your husband because he's such a catch, being successful in a niche field.

That was sarcasm, in case you haven't noticed.

Ok?

Don't people who go to these Lindy Bop Swing dances always dress up for them?

I thought the style of dress was part of the attraction.

Yeah they do dress up. They look amazing. And the dancing is so good too.

This is not the same. They aren't friends really. That's come from my husband who was as puzzled as I was.

Sigh. No, they aren't friends, obviously, but there's nothing at all in any of your posts to suggest that this unfortunate woman wasn't hoping this might develop into a friendship eventually, and that seeing whether your DH wanted a ticket to this gig wasn't her putting out a friendship feeler.

All friendships need to start somewhere, and there's always a first step outside of work or wherever you have encountered one another. If they've met through music, maybe going to a gig together seemed like the obvious next step to her, and she'd be utterly horrified to think it was being construed as some kind of pass, any more than someone you might ask if they wanted to go for a drink after work...?

I mean, you've met this woman, and none of us have, but nothing you've said suggests she has any kind of sexual interest in your husband.

If she's 23/24 she may well have friends who have a rather less paranoid, monogamy-fetishizing view of friendships than you do, OP. Lots of my younger friends are extremely laid back about spending time with people other than one's Official Partner, just because of a shared interest and pleasure in each other's company, the way only a very few people were when I was that age.

Did you actually enjoy the gig, on this occasion, or were you only there to piss in a circle round your H? I wonder how much time you spend giving other women the evil eye and being snarky to and about them in case they Fancy Your Hubby.

Read the whole thread. Thought about it.
I think she does have a crush on your husband. Musicians are often idolized and she'd feel great in her dancer friendship group if she was close friends with your husband. She may want no more than this.
She's 24 and probably looks great. You've got a small child, are a bit older and maybe feel less secure around her? Not saying these feelings are right but they are natural however feminist we all are.
Doesn't sound as if you need to worry though.

I am puzzled by some of these responses.

Of course men and women can be friends but OP has already stated the dancer and her DH are merely random acquaintances who run into each other at competitions sometimes.

So, my question is this: Who has a spare gig ticket and offers it to a random infrequent acquaintance rather than a friend or family member. That's odd in my book.

Sounds like she was trying to engineer a date to me. Showing up dressed up to the nines knowing he was going to be there to have a good look doesn't sound entirely innocent either.

My cousin used to do the latter. She would drag me to the regular drinking haunt of a married man she fancied and was friendly with from work. We'd get ready at her house and she used to gloat that she was dressing to lure him away from his wife. She never made a pass at him but was trying to engineer him to come on to her.

I wasn't 'pissing in a circle' around my husband. I've said a few times I was really nice to her and when we went into the gig she stood on the other side of my husband and then she moved away.

Responses to this are very odd. Asking a married man to a gig by giving the impression you are offering him a spare ticket to go with a group of you, when actually no-one else is going, at the very least raises question marks.

It's also a bit peculiar to latch onto another couple when you go to a concert. If I were going somewhere on my own but knew an acquaintance was going with his wife, I'd probably say hallo in passing if I saw them, but I would definitely not assume that they wanted me to sit with them.

@SaltyPeanut, well I prefer offering a ticket to someone I'm not really friends with but know they share the interest than waste it on dragging someone uninterested just because we're closer.

I'm with @SaltyPeanut

I mean, of course it's ok for men/women to be friends and vice versa. I have a male friend I went away for a weekend in London with (shared obsession interest in musicals, DH hates them) but it IS weird to ask a loose acquaintance, who you know is married, barely know his wife, possibly weird ticket scenario, be frosty to the wife. Well, it is in my book. Her motives may well be "friendly" but add to the fact your DH was also weirded out, makes it seem more weird.

I'd be wary and am totally aware I've used "weird" a lot!

Maybe I’m wrong but I don’t think the OP should drop her spidey feelings.
They’re there for a reason.

I’ve picked up on her feelings of unease.

I think she’s entitled to them.

In my opinion the OP feels that this young woman is stalking her DH. I agree with her... she’s absolutely correct to feel whatever she feels as she’s the one living her life not us.

All the Harry met Sally chatter and debate about men and women being friends is irrelevant. That’s the only cinematic projection going on here.

The op feels uneasy, and she’s right to feel exactly what she’s feeling.
She knows her life, her DH and this young woman best.

How about we support the OP and stop telling her to downplay her fears and deny her feelings?

My take on it is that her DH should block this stalker, unfriendly her, and limit contact completely until this young woman gets the hint and gets some other bloke in her sights.