Did this woman think she was going on a date with my husband?

[poopsqueak]

Right. This is a weird one.

Husband has a hobby. This woman sort of partakes in a similar hobby (think musician/dancer) so crosses paths with my husband and me on occasion.

I have met her on occasion. Not got a great vibe and felt a bit scrutinised and she was a bit patronising to me.

She sent him a fb message last week saying she had a 'spare' ticket to a gig and would he like it because it was sold out. Kind I thought but we had actually already got tickets to this gig.

It obviously sounded off to him because he showed me the message and said 'she'll be going with (mutual friend) and thought I might like to go, maybe he suggested me?'

I was like thinking hmm you are being kind assuming a big group are going. So he messaged her back saying 'yes me and Poop are already planning on going, see you there thanks for the thought etc.'

Anyway we went to the gig and she turned up at the venue next door, by herself and sits with us. Very dressed up. I asked (cringing at this now) 'who are you meeting are X and X coming?' And she replied 'no, just you two'

AIBU to think she thought she was going on a date with my husband? It's just made both of us (myself and my husband) feel a bit uncomfortable tbh.

I have been with DH 10+ years, since we were very young.

In the past 10 years i think there has only been 3 'fans' who have been a bit weird. One was a bloke who I wasnt wary of but it made DH very uncomfortable. This guy used to try and insert himself in our lives often. Another is an older woman who is still around and attending events, likewise I dont feel threatened by her.

The only other time this happened was when I was pregnant, and this very young girl started coming to gigs alone (she was only about 15/16) and then started messaging my DH on fb. It intensified and she was sending at least one message a day about his voice and playing etc and then overtly told him she was fantasising about him.

Again her shut her down and explained about me and our upcoming baby, and eventually she stopped turning up to events and sending messages. It made me very uncomfortable, and although DH was completely appropriate in how he dealt with her, I am still wary of women like her. I know it happens.

If it walks like a duck, and so on, OP. There is no gloss that can be put on it - you don't invite a married man to a gig on his own unless you are a family relation, otherwise it's very likely a come-on.

This person is insecure and is trying to use sexual power to validate herself rather randomly, but only succeeding in making herself a nuisance. The sensible course for you both would be for DH to distance himself from her.

Salem to me it sounds like they were both just being awkward, and it has been misconstrued as hostility!

Yeah I wouldn't be happy about that situation either but atleast it seems like your DH is trustworthy and honest with you. I'd just avoid her from now on if possible...and don't feel guilty either

OP at the end of the day, both you and your dh were made uncomfortable by her, so there is most likely a good reason for that. I honestly would doubt that your instincts are wrong. At least he feels the same as you about it so you know you have nothing to worry about Definitely get him to be sure to keep his distance from her and hopefully she will soon move on.

It's a while ago now, but Linda McCartney always joined her DH on his tours, knowing how the groupie culture operated

Linda McCartney was a member of the band, I don't think she was there just to make sure Paul didn't play around. Pretty sure it was him that wanted her there too.

Yes, he knows my feelings about it and he feels the same way. He will be wary of her going forward.

He actually told me last night (we were discussing this thread) that she asked him for a lift back from a competition next month from a nearby city. He'll be in the van with the rest of the band anyway so he said no, there wont be space.

I'm also worried about her being at a festival he is playing. He's staying over (camping) to see the bands the next day and I just have this gut feel that she is going to try and engineer a situation where she sees him/hangs around with him. I'm not going. hmm.

He's staying over (camping) to see the bands the next day and I just have this gut feel that she is going to try and engineer a situation where she sees him/hangs around with him. I'm not going. hmm.

You just have to trust him. He probably see's her as a desperate at this stage anyway, that's not an attractive look

I'm in the 'out of order inviting a married man anywhere' camp, but then I've never been cool, so..

I'm also worried about her being at a festival he is playing well you either trust him or you don't and tbf he's not giving you any reason to not trust him

I'm in the 'out of order inviting a married man anywhere' camp, but then I've never been cool, so so if one of your single male friends gets married you'd stop being alone with him?? What about single men, can they invite married women out?

I mean new forged friendships. I have male friends independent to my DP, as he has female friends.
I'd be very wary of a new friend, male or female, inviting just one of the couple out in a twosome, but that's just me.

I agree she was hoping for a date with your husband.

But he told her that he was going with his wife! She’d need to be bloody brazen to follow that through!

It is very hard to say what her motives are -

1. she is a bit of a pitiful girl, didn't have anyone to go with and didn't read the situation correctly that your dh was not inviting her with the pair of you. This could be down to age / naivety. Then she felt awkward being asked who else was coming and drifted away later in the evening. This could well be the reality. The fact she knew you were going and arrived anyway suggests there was nothing more sinister at play. If she's into that music scene, she is probably used to just turning up to gigs and seeing who she knows there.

2. A less likely but still possible scenario - she has form for chasing attached men and has her sights set on your husband. I didn't experience this first hand but I do remember a girl of similar age wreaking havoc through two friend groups of mine when we were early thirties. She was sly, manipulative and great at finding free accommodation and favours for herself. It was pathetic. When I thought back to how fun and carefree my early 20s were and considered how she was wasting her youth with these stupid schemes. I remember being very amused to hear thirdhand that the one time we were introduced I seemed a little intimidated by her. God bless the littlw twit's delusion, I couldn't have picked her out in a line up.

But the question you have to ask yourself is are her motives actually important? It sounds like your DH finds her attention (platonic or otherwise) annoying and inappropriate. He actually sounds great. Many men even with no intention to act would be giddy with bigheadedness.

Be honest - what is it about all of this which is bothering you? Is she a very attractive young woman and bringing out your insecurities? This would be totally natural by the way but if you recognise it as plain old jealousy it might stop causing you pain.

She doesn't sound like someone either of you want in your lives. She is at best a too young irritation or at worst a potential homewrecker. Either way, keep your distance. It sounds like DH is already doing this.

Katgurl I don't thing you have to be insecure to dislike other women who are not a friend of your marriage wanting to become close to your partner or husband. That kind of person is a predator and needs defending against.

OP, you say you're not going to go on the camping trip, but if it was me I would go, and be a lot more around these fixtures in the future.

Follow your instincts on this woman OP.

Wow, I dress up a lot. Sometimes I look out of place.

At no point have I ever thought I'm going on a date with someone.

She’d need to be bloody brazen to follow that through!

If she getts her kicks from men preferring her to their wives (or at least, she thinks they do) then it would fit right in. She turns up suited and booted, hoping to make the OP look dowdy and unglamorous by comparison, DH thinks "Wow, X looks amazing, why doesnt my wife make that kind of effort...." and so it starts. Except her DH is a good 'un so it didnt.....

Yes, OP, she's out to steal your husband. You better forbid him from going to the festival, there will be many more like her there!
And no competitions for him either, this puts him in the sights of young single women all the time!

Tildama, you are either a troll or a very sad and angry person.

Go on, run along now.

She sounds forward, ugh, don't like the sound of her.

@poopsqueak, no, I'm just demonstrating how ridiculous your accusations sound. You don't like her, fine. Guess what, she probably picked that up and doesn't like you much either. That doesn't mean you have to invent a story where she's a villain trying to steal your husband. It's not all about you.
Also, do you even know if she's actually single?

Life must be hard when you're so insecure and suspicious of every woman approaching your husband, him being such a catch, a musician!

Ok?

I'm also worried about her being at a festival he is playing. He's staying over (camping) to see the bands the next day and I just have this gut feel that she is going to try and engineer a situation where she sees him/hangs around with him. I'm not going.

If he's not interested in her, then what difference does it make if she does?

These threads always amuse me because they seem to work off the presumption that the OP's husband is so supremely attractive that the default mode for other women is desperate attempts to seduce him.

It reminds me of those stories in Take a Break-type magazines where some unfortunate has found love with some Gaz who always has a 'nice bum and a cheeky grin'. Accompanied by a photo of said Gaz who looks like one of the Chuckle Brothers.