Lets call a spade a spade

[Storm4star]

I tend to go on this board and relationships. There are two thread's going on right now where meeting someone new in your 40s is mentioned. Now I know there are people who meet good partners at 40/50/60 and beyond! But lets get real here. The chances of meeting "Mr Right" are pretty slim at these ages. Some get lucky of course but it really isn't the same as being single in your 20's or even 30's.

I have several single, intelligent, nice and attractive friends. Only one has had a significant relationship in the 15 years I've know them! They can't all be "too fussy", they can't all be "loving" being single, well I know they're not as they often say they wish they could meet someone.

It isn't easy and I don't think we should pretend that it is. I've tried OLD on and off, and the (sometimes) single men are in roughly three groups:

1. Young men wanting an older woman for sex
2. Older men who haven't "achieved" ie they're living in a bedsit on minimum wage and aspire to be "cocklodgers"
3. The tiny third group are decent looking men with a decent career. But they want a woman 10 years younger because they feel they deserve it for being a "good catch".

Being older and trying to meet someone decent of your own age is damn tough. Lets not try and pretend it isn't.

Agreed. I'm 44 and been single 8 years, lots of hobbies, done the OLD thing (hideous). Have a friend, 41, been single 11 years aside from two three-month "relationships"; she is intelligent, attractive, many hobbies, done the online dating thing. Neither of us have children.

Oh, and I'm a man. So it's just as difficult finding "Miss Right" and I've got just as many horror stories about women on online dating sites as you have. It's not restricted to gender.

It's not restricted to gender

That's actually a fair point, so my apologies. I have heard some terrible things about some of the women on these sites too, from a couple of male friends who've done OLD.

I don't know what the answer to it all is!

Most 40+ year old women who are good looking, take care of themselves, are fun and interesting with size 6-12 figures get snapped up almost as soon as they become single. It’s the chaff that struggle & that is being blunt. There are often very good reasons for someone to be single for 11 years, that aren’t often visible to friends / family.

@DuchyDuke Bollocks. My friend isn't "chaff". She may have standards but so she should. Half the "non chaff" can't stand the idea of being single and often go from shit relationship to shit relationship as a result.

Wow, @DuchyDuke, amazing response!

Doesn't really change my original post though.

Some get lucky of course but it really isn't the same as being single in your 20's or even 30's.

I don't agree. I am a lot more confident and outgoing in my 40's than I was in my 20's/30's. I am happy in my own skin and know what I want in life. Being single in my 20s/30s was shite. I was on my own for the bulk of it.

I met my now DH in my late 40's. I'm having a ball and making up for lost time.

Lol at Duchyduke's incredibly prescriptive size 6-12 criteria for being attractive. The most beautiful and popular woman I know is a 16...

OP, it's denied, but I agree with you.

I think it is gendered. I don't know any Men, who genuinely want a relationship, who can't find one, when compared to the Women that I know.

""Most 40+ year old women who are good looking, take care of themselves, are fun and interesting with size 6-12 figures get snapped up almost as soon as they become single""

They honestly don't.

It’s the chaff that struggle & that is being blunt.

Fucking hell, I just got called chaff.

HouseworkIsASin10, if you had have been as outgoing in your 20/30's, you would have been able to find a potential Partner a couple of times a day, that's the difference.

It isn't because of a shortage of available single 40+ Men, it's because they don't want 40+ Women.

I used OLD at the beginning of last year - late 40s, 3 nearly adult children, divorced. I must have been really lucky as I didn't get any really horrible people contacting me. I had 3 dates - 1st one lied about his height and used an old photo but was nice enough to talk to. No 2 had 2 dates but he was a bit full on - similar to me was divorced with grown up daughter. No 3, divorced, no kids, same age and I'm still seeing him and very much in love!

I almost feel shortchanged that I didn't get any dick pics to complain about!! Oh I did engage in some communication with a 25 year old man who loved older women - that was funny

It isn't because of a shortage of available single 40+ Men, it's because they don't want 40+ Women

This is also my experience. For those who say they met their partners over 40, was that someone the same age as you or older? I say this because I could meet more men if I was willing to go 10-15 years older than me but unfortunately I'm just not attracted to men that much older. There's also the issue that with the age I am now, someone that much older would be preparing to retire, so we're at different life stages.

It's funny, I'm 37 and was feeling like that about it, OP, considering settling for one of two I'd met online dating - both lovely guys but no fireworks for me. I thought, I'll just give this last guy a go who's been messaging a while but we haven't met up yet. OK looking online.
We met up yesterday. We talked for six hours straight. He's hot. He's got a sensible job and his own place. He's single at 40 because he was in a long term relationship where she eventually wanted kids and he didn't and then another, long term where he wanted to marry and settle down and she didn't.
I'm checking my phone like a stupid teenager!
I am annoyed at myself for being about to settle and hoping that maybe I'm getting a second chance at the real, mutual thing.

I think a lot of it is how much you are prepared to compromise and also how sociable/how much time you want to spend socially you have.

The reality is that at 40+ people probably have young children, full time full on careers and are shattered at the end of it, which limits social time. In my 20s I had loads of time and was out most nights, now I hardly have any time and if I ever separated I can't see how on earth I would have any energy to date....!!!!

If your looking for 'the one' or for 'mr right' or 'mr perfect' then that's why your single, regardless of your age.
No-one is perfect and we expect perfection too much these days.
It's rammed down our throats.

Birdsgottafly I suppose in my 20s and early 30s I placed more importance on having a BF. I had a couple of serious relationships but long periods of being single.

But by the time I went through a rubbish divorce and reached my 40s it really wasn't even in my radar. I was totally comfortable being single and was certainly not looking for a partner.

In my case, it really 'does happen when you are not looking'.

Well I used "Mr Right" really just as shorthand of saying "someone decent, normal etc etc" and is "right" for the individual, rather than meaning perfection.

I don't think my standards are too high. I just want someone my age, unattached, who works and can pay his own way (doesn't need to be high flying!), that we have some things in common and can enjoy spending time together. I don't think that's too much of a wish list!

I do agree with the OP about men wanting women to be 10-15 years younger.

I've given up now I'm in my 60s.

There are often very good reasons for someone to be single for 11 years, that aren’t often visible to friends / family.

Hmm I wonder why ... ?

"Most 40+ year old women who are good looking, take care of themselves, are fun and interesting with size 6-12 figures get snapped up almost as soon as they become single."

Ah - that'll be it then

Well this is encouraging.

What an upleasant thing to say, @DuchyDuke, the chaff?

We met and married in our early twenties. That was 42 years ago and we’re still together. From the perspective of my 60s I now look back and think how incredibly lucky we both were. We changed in our 40s and 50s and I agree that you are far more likely in your 30s and 40s to know what you want out of life and out of a partner. When I look back to how I thought in my early twenties, we were very much in love and felt that anything was possible. Of course you discover a few years down the line that it isn’t as straightforward as that and that seems to me to be the best time to decide about a life partner.

Sorry Myother - but perhaps you will be OK, are you a size 6-12?

blackeyes72*, in my circle, we had our children younger. In my 40's, my youngest was turning 18, as were my friend's children.

FierceDragonMother , I think the OP used "Mr Right" as supposed to Mr Rightnow. As in someone who wants to at least date.

For most in my circle of single Women, we've all "improved", children older, house paid off, started exercise. The only thing "negative" we have done, is get older.

So why no offers, when 10/5 years ago, there were plenty, if it isn't just age and the numbers of single Men in their 40/50's has risen?

meh - I'm not 'chaff' - what a vile comment to make about women, but I am resolutely HAPPY to be single at 48 - and I have been for the last 8 years - can we stop thinking all women want a man to validate their fucking existance