Lets call a spade a spade

[Storm4star]

I tend to go on this board and relationships. There are two thread's going on right now where meeting someone new in your 40s is mentioned. Now I know there are people who meet good partners at 40/50/60 and beyond! But lets get real here. The chances of meeting "Mr Right" are pretty slim at these ages. Some get lucky of course but it really isn't the same as being single in your 20's or even 30's.

I have several single, intelligent, nice and attractive friends. Only one has had a significant relationship in the 15 years I've know them! They can't all be "too fussy", they can't all be "loving" being single, well I know they're not as they often say they wish they could meet someone.

It isn't easy and I don't think we should pretend that it is. I've tried OLD on and off, and the (sometimes) single men are in roughly three groups:

1. Young men wanting an older woman for sex
2. Older men who haven't "achieved" ie they're living in a bedsit on minimum wage and aspire to be "cocklodgers"
3. The tiny third group are decent looking men with a decent career. But they want a woman 10 years younger because they feel they deserve it for being a "good catch".

Being older and trying to meet someone decent of your own age is damn tough. Lets not try and pretend it isn't.

Completely missing the point but anyone else want to know about the nightmare women ShatnersWig has met. I've never heard it from the male perspective before........

Oh I'm single and have been for 6 years. I'm never going to meet anyone despite being quite social. I've never got the time nor money to even consider online dating or going out and meeting men.

Sometimes people just "want" someone they can share things with, some intimacy etc. That shouldn't be seen as somehow weak or pathetic

I would genuinely love someone to share my life with. I don’t consider that weak and pathetic. I do consider it a sad fact of society that women are considered somehow ‘off’ if they are happy to be on their own, are comfortable with that and can manage to take out their own rubbish and do the DIY. We persistently belittle single women (chaff anyone?!) and we particularly hound single mothers. As a result, many women accept shit men (myself included - hence divorce) but I am fortunate to have found a good therapist and have good friends who have never seen me as anything less because I have put in place standards. Some of my friends relationships literally make me cringe (‘cos that used to be me) and I am not going back there.

Mum MiL met her partner of 13 years in her late 60's. He's 8 years older than her. They are still very much in love and the whole thing took them both very much by surprise.
My dad also found the love of his life (after one divorce, remarrying and being widowed) also in his late 60's. His partner is about 20 years younger than him. She's not your classic "good looking" but my dad is, even for an old man. He said he's never felt a love like this before.
My brother married for a 2nd time in his 40's.
I don't think it's that rare to meet the right person for you in later life or maybe it's just my family are weirdos

Every quality has its currency in dating, and relative youth is no different. All other things being equal, a man of 40 can probably command a woman of 33-35 with relative ease, so many of them exercise the option.

I don't understand why men are like this, but I'm a woman so I wouldn't.

Sometimes people just "want" someone they can share things with, some intimacy etc. That shouldn't be seen as somehow weak or pathetic

I totally agree, that's a terribly sneery thing to level at a single person. I'd imagine that if my marriage went kaput tomorrow, I'd be out there pretty sharpish looking for some companionship.

I am pushing chaff...big size 12 on a good day lol. However totally happy at 47 with very handsome younger man mid 30s who is not sexual weirdo as far as I know. We do have kids same age tho and feel at similar life stages.

I'm 58, have been divorced four 3 years (separated for 5) and I haven;t met anyone else.
I certainly don't consider myself chaff. I am intelligent, educated interested and interesting. I look OK (obviously I'm 58 so I don't look 30, but I'm a respectable looking 58), I sensible, thoughtful, caring, kind and funny. If anyone else considers me to be chaff then they don't deserve a second of my time.

I haven;t been looking for anyone, I'm perfectly happy on my own and even if I did find someone I would be much more choosy and therefore probably not someone any man would want to be with.
Having been messed around and treated very badly by a man I married in my early twenties, I won't put up with any bullshit. I would never share my finances or my house with a man. My financial and personal independence was hard won - I'd never relinquish it.

I won;t tolerate rudeness and bigotry or being messed around in anyway (cancelled dates, lies, any other kind of nonsense).

I really can't see me meeting anyone now. , I'm retired, most of the social things I do are largely attended by women.

What I would like is someone to go out with, to share some interests with, and to have sex with. I don't want any kind of full on romantic relationship. I don't want to be in love - it leaves you so vulnerable to getting hurt. I suppose want a friend with benefits if anything, but I'm not even too bothered about that - I'm not putting myself out there to find someone.

And while it would be nice to have someone to go out with - I don;t not go out because I amon my own - I've got no problem with eating out alone, or going to films. theatre etc on my own. and I have plenty of female friends.

I've done a few of my horror stories previously on other dating threads Clippity. Let's just say I've pretty much had everything women have, from the ghosting, to the married woman, to being told I'm a fucking lowlife cunt and obviously just on the site to get laid because I didn't want to date someone with kids...

Oh for the record, all this "men in their 40s only want younger women". It isn't 100% of men. My last relationship lasted a decade. I was 26, she was 36. I wouldn't want such a large gap again but when I was OLD I was looking for women 5 years either side of my age.

All, and I mean all, my single female friends are using OLD, and want to find someone. It is not happening.

I'm the only one who wants to be single (it's really true)and wouldn't touch OLD with somebody else's ten foot pole (haha no pun intended...).

I did suggest to MNHQ that they should match people up on here somehow. There must be a logarithmmy thingummy way of doing it on a computer.

I don't know what the answer is for people wanting to be coupled up. Other than to develop their single muscles. I could run courses.

The size thing is utter rubbish by the way! I was a size 10/12 for years. I recently went up to a 16 due to some medication I've been on (gained over the past year).

During my 10/12 days I was actually told quite regularly by guys that I was too skinny and that they preferred someone more curvy. In fact a guy I actually went on a couple of dates with a couple of years ago recently got back in touch. I told him I was "fat" now (not saying a 16 is fat, just saying that I feel fat now) his response was "curvy is good" with a big smiley face!

I don't understand why people scratch their heads over this issue.

We are animals - apes - and our sexual interest will always be directed towards fertile partners. Men want to fuck younger women for this reason.

Is it supposed to be a coincidence that women start to struggle to get dates right about the time that the menopause hits?

There's a significant social aspect to pairing up as well, which is why it is generally not impossible to find a partner, but it is much, much harder for women. Always has been and always will be.

And, Shatner's Wig, I have no idea why you have been single for 8 years, but as a 44 year old man it will have nothing to do with your age. Men and women are not equal in this respect.

*1. Young men wanting an older woman for sex

1. Older men who haven't "achieved" ie they're living in a bedsit on minimum wage and aspire to be "cocklodgers"
2. The tiny third group are decent looking men with a decent career. But they want a woman 10 years younger because they feel they deserve it for being a "good catch".*

I think there's a fourth group you've missed and a couple of men I know fit into this category - divorced high achievers who claim they got 'bored' with their first wife and are now looking for a similarly high earning, high achieving partner. They're happy to date women of a similar age and would definitely only consider someone 10 years younger if she still ticked those boxes. Those men are probably few and far between but seem to be having just as much difficulty finding the right partner.

I'm 35 and single (and a woman). I've been single apart from relatively short/insignificant relationships for about 6 years. I like being single but I wouldn't mind meeting someone anyway. (not least because I'd like kids, but I'm tempted to do that by myself anyway).

The one thing I really notice on OLD is how many men set as the age range that they're looking for '20s-whatever their age is' - i.e. if they are 38, they will be looking for a woman age 21-38. Obviously at the moment I'm falling into their desirable category, but, ugh. I've been put off perfectly nice-seeming guys because I spotted this on their profile.

Anyway, I don't really relish getting into my 40s and having to deal with the reduced interest, but at least I also date women so keep telling myself at least there's no reduced chance of meeting a nice woman when I'm older.

Plus, most of the women I know in their 60s and 70s who are divorced are happier than the ones who are married (there are exceptions of course) and at least the ones who are single don't have to care for grumpy old men.

I met my partner through OLD, we have been together 15 years and are very happy. I would probably be classed as "chaff" - reasonable face but quite overweight. He doesn't care because he loves me for me.

On the other hand I have a friend (known her 30 plus years) who is very attractive, solvent, witty, on the surface she has it all. We could never work out why she had such "bad luck with men" until she came to stay with us for a weekend. She was demanding, picky, nothing was good enough - I had no inkling she was like this at all.

your points are equally valid for men and women, but you have missed out those that are in fact happy by themselves and those that have been in abusive relationships and don't want to be in another.

@Storm4star, could you point me in the direction of anyone you have met who falls into your third category? I long to meet a nice, solvent chap who's ten years older than I am (have always liked older men). I am late 40s, btw.

I think in your 40s it's hard, as a poster upthread observed, because a 40s man is possibly still hoping for children and would choose someone younger and ideally without children already. In your 50s I think it picks up again.

We do get choosier as we get older. Would you consider someone not on the same page financially? With health concerns? A time-consuming and expensive hobby (cyclists... ugghhhh!)?

I have a friend (male) who has had horrible OLD experiences. He agreed to meet one woman in a pub car park, and he saw her (as identified by car) drive in, circle the car park looking at him, and then drive out again! He was mortified.

My dad was happily widowed at 66 and said as a mortage-free, home-owning, healthy final salary pensioner he is in a minority (for men) and therefore has his pick of widows. Perhaps all of you there chaff need to wait for your golden years once you are free of children and indeed husbands and other responsibilities. Seriously he is constantly meeting single women - in his world the U3A is constantly having freshers week He hasn't gone looking on OLD he just looks at the U3A timetable and signs up for as much as he can fit in.

It's a very mixed bag I think, friends share your experience but I was amazed that my my DM left F at 58 and within a year met a wealthy independent man with no dependants, his own home etc. He is a fantastic partner and shes happier than she has ever been. He is disabled and says DM was the first woman he met that he knew looked at him, not his disability. She is 10 years older than him.

@Dorigen

Try one of the free weekends on Eharmony. I joined there once and despite me putting my top age range as being a year or two older than me, they kept "matching" me with 10+ years older! A friend of mine has also had a lot of interest on elite singles (she likes older men too) but I think it's quite pricey.

Young women dont have a check list of what they want in a partner. They hook up based with the help of alcohol on desire (subconsciously influenced by their fertility). That desire makes it much more likely they will 'fall in love'.

Older women (40+) are no longer desired for their fertility. Not as likely to hook up when they are tipsy. Have a check list, however realistic, of suitable characteristics in a partner and aren't as likely to be happy alone as men.

So I can only conclude older women will have to be more 'realistic' in their choices of partner or learn to be happy alone.

I started OLD at the ripe old age of 44 and size 12-14 with a pre-teen daughter at home. I never expected to meet anyone, just looking for chats and compliments

2 1/2 years later I'm seeing a lovely man I met on there - we live completely independently and see each other 2-3 times a week, only going out 'properly' when DD is at her dads (EOW) and it's all good.

For me the trick was to talk loads online before meeting up and paint yourself as less attractive and desirable than you really are - that way when you finally meet he thinks he's hit the jackpot

You missed out a group:

1. Emotionally unavailable, narcissistic, mendacious, gaslighting, misogynistic cockwombles.

For me the trick was to talk loads online before meeting up and paint yourself as less attractive and desirable than you really are - that way when you finally meet he thinks he's hit the jackpot

It's always wise to under promise and over deliver. It's good career advice too. I'm glad it's worked out so well for you purplelass.