Lets call a spade a spade

[Storm4star]

I tend to go on this board and relationships. There are two thread's going on right now where meeting someone new in your 40s is mentioned. Now I know there are people who meet good partners at 40/50/60 and beyond! But lets get real here. The chances of meeting "Mr Right" are pretty slim at these ages. Some get lucky of course but it really isn't the same as being single in your 20's or even 30's.

I have several single, intelligent, nice and attractive friends. Only one has had a significant relationship in the 15 years I've know them! They can't all be "too fussy", they can't all be "loving" being single, well I know they're not as they often say they wish they could meet someone.

It isn't easy and I don't think we should pretend that it is. I've tried OLD on and off, and the (sometimes) single men are in roughly three groups:

1. Young men wanting an older woman for sex
2. Older men who haven't "achieved" ie they're living in a bedsit on minimum wage and aspire to be "cocklodgers"
3. The tiny third group are decent looking men with a decent career. But they want a woman 10 years younger because they feel they deserve it for being a "good catch".

Being older and trying to meet someone decent of your own age is damn tough. Lets not try and pretend it isn't.

I was about to defend us men and say that we don't reach our 40s and want someone 10-15 years younger. Then I realised that my best mate is exactly like that, so I'll concede the point.

If it's any consolation none of his attempted relationships with women fifteen years younger than him seem to result in much happiness at all. Funnily enough they tend to have little in common with him.

@Maryzsnewaccount Your OH (not DH) is an wanker of the highest order. Want me to send the boys with the baseball bats round?

@KittyVonCatsworth Sweet of you, but I have no intentions of hanging round for another 8 years. If I'm still single in a few years I'll be visiting Dignitas.

@PeppermintPasty No, not really happily single. First couple of years yes. But last few years, no, definitely not. I don't mind my own company at times, I think we all need that, but it all feels a bit "existing" rather than living. You want someone special to share experiences with, don't you? I don't go on holiday because, other than the expense as a single person, I need someone to talk to at the airport and on the plane as I hate flying, and someone to talk about that beautiful view or whatever, and it needs to be someone special not someone you've just met on some group excursion. It's the unrelenting slog of nothing ever changing - waking up on your own, going to bed on your own, the silence I suppose. Yes, got friends, but of course mostly they are coupled up. Weekends are the worst as everyone is doing family stuff, so if you're single with almost no family, you can often see or speak to no one. Most hobbies and clubs don't do stuff at weekends or if they do, people just do the activity and go home to family, there's no real interaction. And yes, I miss things like cuddling on the sofa watching TV, making someone a cup or tea or a meal, running them a bath, just something BEING there. And the intimacy side of course. I feel like a monk!

That wasn't meant to sound like a pity party although it comes across like that!

Och, sorry shat, I’m being too light-hearted. It stinks, I know.

Don't be daft, light-hearted is great as I said earlier!

I don’t agree. I was in a long term relationship from 22 to 39. After the break up I did OLD for a few years. I had an amazing time and dated a few who could have been long term prospects if that had been what I was after. I think too
many people give OLD up too soon. The longer you do it the more able
you are to weed out the unsuitable
ones and become more successful
at finding what you need.

Aye it IS the BEING there.

I snorted a wee bit when battleax shortened your name to shat

I would've gone for swig - conjures up the image of a fun loving not too hairy party boy rather than a bodily function

I am that sad that I bought a single bed as anything bigger was a waste.

Regretted that instantly when the Labrador started sneaking upstairs. A single bed fits a streaked out Labrador perfectly. The bit where the pillow is does not fit someone who could grapple a small cow.

Shatners , Maryz and others.

Sorry for zipping into what seemed as if it had turned into a light-hearted thread and being flippant and disappearing. Yes I know it is lighthearted but it's also not - sorry for not hanging around and reading properly all.

Shatners what you describe is very similar to the way a long-term single friend describes it. She says she doesn't want a relationship at any cost and is fairly happy but she describes being alone for most of your own 'downtime' as exhausting a lot of the time. There is no respite in the form of comfy companionship, being taken out of yourself, unless you go out and find it... which is sometimes the opposite of what you want to do when you want that cosy downtime. It's not all about the big things, or sex.

There is no respite in the form of comfy companionship, being taken out of yourself, unless you go out and find it... which is sometimes the opposite of what you want to do when you want that cosy downtime

This is exactly it.

@sheldonesque Apparently the great man himself is often referred to as The Shat so who am I to argue? I'm not fit to apply his toupee tape. It always amuses me that ShatnersBassoon and I often end up on the same threads too.

Bringing some of the light-heartedness back into it, I am APPALLED that I've yet to receive one single grubby message so far despite having been promised two dozen. You're all talk

I'm so happy to FINALLY discover why I'm still on my own after 14 years post-divorce. It's because I'm Chaff...doh 😲😢

(Nothing at all attractive about the prospect of a relationship with an educated, professional, financially independent woman then, clearly!)

I'll get back in my Chaff Box 😳

@ChaffyMcChaff

Loving the username!

Perhaps Battleax, it could be shortened to MOLD.

Some of the people I met whilst dating made mould look over-educated.

But to return to light-hearted. We could start off one of those OLD acronyms.

Witty, Healthy, Exciting And Thin (WHEAT)

as opposed to

Chubby, Hopeless And Fat Fortysomething (CHAFF).

'High-flying WHEAT with GOSH looking for similar for fun, frolics and supercilious afternoons in wine bars. No CHAFF, no timewasters.'

@ShatnersWig I feel exactly the same...'existing rather than living' is a perfect description actually. I'm busy, successful and have friends and family. But ultimately, I'm completely alone, as they are also busy and successful, which means time is at a premium for them and is spent with their own family. Which, of course, is as it should be.

I haven't been on holiday since my children left home over 10 years ago...I feel sad about that, and it's nothing to do with not having the confidence to go either. I just have no desire to sit on the beach or walk around beautiful cities alone.

That's brilliant Fizzy!

In that case mine would be "CHAFF seeks similar for cosy nights in drinking wine and consoling each other over our CHAFF status"

Why thank you @Storm4star ...I know my station 😉

I think we need to reclaim chaff. Be proud to be chaff. After all, look at the chaffinch. Bloody gorgeous. Why would they give a derogatory term to such a beautiful finch? Much as I dislike the phrase to describe a woman, this suggests to me that anyone who is a "chaff" must surely be a stunning bird?

brilliant Storm!

Well, I wish all of you looking for someone all the best luck in the world.

I'm very happy to be single, but I'm aware that I'm totally closed down on that front, projecting a big fat NO THANK YOU after getting rid of my foul and abusive ex five, yes five, years ago. Not a sniff since, but that's fine by me.

I am very busy with youngish dc so I don't have any of the downtime type issues you all describe. I remember it of course, as before foul ex I was relentlessly single, but I was way younger then of course and no dc, so I could do as I pleased.

I bow to the shat although I'd be infinitely more bendy for Jean-Luc.

I don't think I'm fit for the toupee tape application either. I am fit to fill his Enterprise uniform. As long as it is one he uses nowadays!

I can't send you filth. Sorry about that. I'm still traumatised by a text I got from my old commuting chum. Not 'save us a seat will you love?' but 'when I see you, you can give me a gammie'.

I was bemused thinking he meant a new kind of sweetie. Apparently it was his word for a BJ and the text was for his lass. No me. Bus journeys were slightly more Victorian after that.

Witty, Healthy, Exciting And Thin (WHEAT)

as opposed to

Chubby, Hopeless And Fat Fortysomething (CHAFF).

Trouble is Shatners, that's the male of the species!!

was bemused thinking he meant a new kind of sweetie. Apparently it was his word for a BJ and the text was for his lass. No me. Bus journeys were slightly more Victorian after that.

I’m surprised he didn’t change jobs to something in the other direction.

I snorted a wee bit when battleax shortened your name to shat

I would've gone for swig

Good point

How are the indecent communications going swig?

DM was widowed in her early 50s, back in the days of dating agencies. She's mainly frequented singles social clubs As an observer of 20 years of her love life and her cast of friends (excellent fodder for a light comedy with twists of poignant reality), the best age group was early 60s when a fresh batch of sprightly, capable widdowers came on the scene. Sadly they were outnumbered and got snapped up quickly leaving a disproportion of the long term single for good reason types. Definitely too many that were far too ambitious wanting their younger model to care for their every need, and too many tightwads. By her mid-70s she felt that she was too longterm single and the quest for companionship wasn't worth the bother. Still, plenty of male feline company in her house.