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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hurt over cheap gifts?

236 replies

C0tt0nstar · 25/06/2018 08:57

I've always gotten cheap gifts from my parents, for Christmas and birthdays, for example I might have asked for a pair of Nike sneakers as a teen and instead received wal-mart brand. I've always been aware that my feelings of not being valued and feeling hurt over this are quite spoiled and selfish sounding, so I never brought it up with my parents until a year ago.

It was honestly a little mortifying to explain this as an adult to my parents, who have always provided well for me (I made sure I stressed this when I told them as well), but I had to let them know that when they asked what I wanted for my birthday and I said "just a nice, high-quality umbrella, something to last me a good while" and recived a dollar store compact umbrella, that quite literally broke the first time I used it due to only moderate winds, it was hurtful.

I tried to explain that I appreciated all they got for me though the years, but that I wished they'd get me something a bit special for the holidays, and if they couldn't a card with a hart-felt message would be nice, but the cheap gifts have continued.

I feel frustrated, unheard, and unappreciated, aibu?

OP posts:
Ladylisa · 26/06/2018 18:51

I had this growing up, mother would ask what I wanted and I would always end up with a cheap nasty version, when I was 15 I wanted a typewriter for Christmas to do my coursework on for school, I got a cheap plastic child’s one that wasn’t fit for purpose, I was mortified when my friend came round saw it- I was leaving school in 6 months and she was still buying me a toy!
My younger siblings always had exactly what they wanted
I understand the hurt the OP feels, it makes you feel like you aren’t worth the thought or the extra few quid to get you what you actually asked for. I lived with my grandparents so maybe that was part of it.... I don’t know, she’s still like it now, manipulative, has her favourite child depending on the day of the week, at 43 I’ve learned not to show weakness in front of her or my dad as they just take the piss, they spur each other on, separate they are ok , together they will bring the strongest person to their knees.

HelenaDove · 26/06/2018 18:53

Ladylisa But i bet you are the one they will turn to when they expect care in their old age.

myrtleWilson · 26/06/2018 18:54

sarahrelly how is the OP unreasonable, selfish and entitled when you look at the example of the book present - it was Cdn$9.99... a specific book she wanted to read, that was widely available but the parents picked another book. That is not the OP being unreasonable, selfish or entitled it is her parents not listening to her interests. It really isn't about the $ spent but the apparent disconnect between her parents asking her what she'd like and then disregarding.

ittakes2 · 26/06/2018 19:14

Have you considered asking them for something that doesn't t money? Like help with your garden one weekend? Or alternatively, something where you can spend quality time together? like a trip to the theatre or movies?

Mummagump · 26/06/2018 19:45

I get where your coming from, OP. Years of counselling taught me that it’s the lack of respect for me being confirmed by not meeting my wishes just for one day a year.

Justneedsomeinfo · 26/06/2018 20:45

HRFT so probably already been suggested- just ask for the cash or gift cards that way you can get what you want..

pinkpantherpink · 26/06/2018 21:44

Might sound harsh, but you need to manage your own expectations here. Why do you think they will change? Accept this for what it is. And donate the things you do not find useful. Why not great yourself to the thing you wish they'd gifted you?

manicmij · 26/06/2018 21:53

If they could afford the expensive stuff and If you have siblings who were given top of the range then your folk were being mean. If however money was limited a d you were all treated the same you can't complain really.

Shewhomustbeobeyed1 · 26/06/2018 22:45

Why do t you ask for gift vouchers from a particular store?

tolerable · 26/06/2018 23:07

This reply has been deleted

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craxmum · 26/06/2018 23:12

I get where you are coming from. I was Hmm at getting a set of bottles from a pound shop from in-laws for my DS's birth. They are very well off.

GandTthankyou · 26/06/2018 23:20

I get it. My MIL bought my husband 1L of listerine for christmas. And his grandma bought us fire lighters one year.

When we got engaged his mum bought us a clock in the shape of a frying pan 🍳 with a friend egg on - literally like he emoji.

They have LOTS of money but couldn’t Give a shite about buying us a nice present and it’s hurtful. A card with a nice note would be better. Or nothing actually!

And she genuinely seemed upset when we returned the clock.

Kaybush · 26/06/2018 23:24

I can absolutely see your point OP and YANBU.

My DH has two younger half brothers who he adores. But throughout their lives they seem to have been given absolutely everything they wanted plus a private education.

In comparison, since an early age, my DH was given the very cheapest version of what he actually asked for, and he grew up thinking they saved money on him in order to splash out on their 'real family'.

It's left a bitter taste that he's still working through today. 😔

Atthebottomofthegarden · 27/06/2018 00:13

OP I get it. My DM can be the same. I think she simply views a gift as “something to open” and is rather of the view that it really doesn’t matter what it is! I think not being able to resist a bargain is part of it too! They are extremely generous in many other ways, and truly good people, so it just seems to be a little foible...

They’re not going to change, so I think it’s best simply to thank them and stick it in the charity box.

cheval · 27/06/2018 00:42

I’m famous for my rubbish gifts at Xmas and birthdays. Find those times quite stressful. Doesn’t mean I don’t love my offspring and their partners. I cook them amazebobs dinners and offer them love and support in other ways. Presents are very overrated

Cheeseandcrisps · 27/06/2018 02:04

My mum always did this and now she's gone I really miss it. I've kept a lot of it and even though some of it is real tat it means so much to me because I know everything she gave to me she gave with love. I also got some really lovely things from her as well but now she's no longer here those more expensive things don't mean any more to me then the tat I love it all.

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 27/06/2018 02:29

I've loved this thread. I think it can be a bit generational too. My parents grew up in a time when there weren't luxuries available and most gifts were functional...they couldn't afford a lot of things and the general consensus was you went without. Household goods were relatively more expensive and so were often given as gifts. There weren't alot of other things to buy anyway.

As they got older they made a fair bit of money and had lovely holidays and houses and are still fantastically generous paying for a family holiday but they didn't ever really change their gift habits. They just don't get it.

I was bought an Amstrad stereo for my 18th birthday. It had the equalizers painted on to make it look high tech. I still laugh now. Thankfully a couple of years later I could buy my own super sleek CD stereo system. The difference is my Dad still uses this giant thing as his garage radio because it works, whereas my super sleek fancy thing was discarded at the dump a couple of years later to be replaced by something smaller and sleeker. Shocking waste!

Difference in values

Ps I am becoming more like them in my 40s, I'm a bit sick of all the fancy thoughtful gift buying (big family and just so much thinking required), have posted about it before, would happily go back to a box of Milk tray and a card for most people. And now I would never throw away a working appliance!

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 27/06/2018 02:36

Favourite present from my mum was a telescopic fake feather duster from the Betterware catalogue. So mum, sitting on a load of cash and probably perusing the latest cruise catalogue, would have picked up a catalogue which fell out of the Sunday paper, seen said duster, and thought of my high ceilings, thought it would be really useful and ordered it and ticked me off her present list.

Love her

You might need to be a bit older to see the funny side OP.

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 27/06/2018 02:41

Final thought is that in your teens and 20s you're probably more image conscious and buy into the fancy, lovely wrapping, being a image of a beautiful, loving family and a life lived well. I certainly was arriving with my shopping bags from Liberty and Selfridges, trying to instil a bit of 90s sophistication on my parents 1970s Christmas.

By the time your older you see its all a load of bollocks!

TinyTear · 27/06/2018 08:58

but the OP just wants a fucking umbrella that WORKS... aren't people getting it??
a telescopic feather duster WORKS it won't collapse after one use...

OP i totally get you...

frumpyheron · 27/06/2018 09:05

My DH’s family do gifts like this. First Christmas I got two pairs of socks, one stained, one with a hole in. We jointly got a broken photo frame!
Sometimes I get similar standard presents, e.g. in stained/damaged boxes, but I’ve also had occasions where everyone got a present but me (less to take to a charity shop that way I guess Wink)
I’ve been subtly (not subtly) pushing wish lists. Now that he have DCs I can’t stand the waste of unwanted presents. They didn’t get the wish list thing as they just bought ‘similar’ things elsewhere meaning that we got the wish list stuff from my family and then it was duplicated. Not sure we’ll ever get to a satisfactory resolution!

frumpyheron · 27/06/2018 09:05

Needless to say OP I get you. I’d rather nothing than naff quality!

Chickenagain · 27/06/2018 09:40

I get what you are saying and you ANBU in your mind. However, suck it up, smile and give it to the charity shop.
I'm sure your parents just don't see the importance of getting the exact thing if something almost as good is cheaper.

Don't set so much store by material things. Look around you and there are people who would give their eye teeth to have had a loving, stable childhood. It's now time for you at 25 to grow up and stop being so ridiculously childish. Give the stuff away & get pleasure from that.

ShotsFired · 27/06/2018 10:37

@C0tt0nstar just be aware you made it into the Daily Mail: www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-5886677/Woman-brands-parents-unappreciative-consistently-buying-cheap-gifts.html

(warning in case you may have posted anything outing, albeit you said they are in Canada)

Confusedbeetle · 27/06/2018 11:02

This really is a very sad post. It suggests so much more than hurt at poor gifts. What are the underlying feelings about this? Why should present giving equate to love? Some people give extravagant presents because they want to show off. In fact, it can be very embarrassing if you cant or don't want to give gifts of equal value. I would be unbelievably hurt if someone told me a gift was inadequate and would probably not give any more. Getting a worthless present you don't want shouldn't hurt you, laugh and bin it and say nothing. In our society, we seem to have made a strange leap that money equals love. Take yourself out of this mindset. Do you love these people? do they love you? Do they have to prove it? Are designer trainers really an acceptable request? Not in my book. The trashy present given in love is better. My house is full of awful nik naks I can't part with because I love the people that gave me them and I couldn't bear to offend them