Hurt over cheap gifts?

[C0tt0nstar]

I've always gotten cheap gifts from my parents, for Christmas and birthdays, for example I might have asked for a pair of Nike sneakers as a teen and instead received wal-mart brand. I've always been aware that my feelings of not being valued and feeling hurt over this are quite spoiled and selfish sounding, so I never brought it up with my parents until a year ago.

It was honestly a little mortifying to explain this as an adult to my parents, who have always provided well for me (I made sure I stressed this when I told them as well), but I had to let them know that when they asked what I wanted for my birthday and I said "just a nice, high-quality umbrella, something to last me a good while" and recived a dollar store compact umbrella, that quite literally broke the first time I used it due to only moderate winds, it was hurtful.

I tried to explain that I appreciated all they got for me though the years, but that I wished they'd get me something a bit special for the holidays, and if they couldn't a card with a hart-felt message would be nice, but the cheap gifts have continued.

I feel frustrated, unheard, and unappreciated, aibu?

I think the saving grace here is that all your siblings are treated the same. I really isn't personal. It's just who your parents are. I think it's that you sound like you put a lot of thought and effort into your gifts to show you care that's part of the reason it bothers you. They don't.

I don't know how old you are but , improbable as it seems now, one day, hopefully in the far,far future, you will most likely wish with all your heart that you could receive one of those awful, cheap presents from your mum and dad but know you never can again. I speak from experience.

Last christmas my mother bought me a new toilet seat.

Luckily I am a grown up so found it funny.

At your age, if this has been going on throughout your life, I'd be more than a little ticked off. It's not about the value of the gift, it's the lack of thought or effort put into selecting it for you, especially if you asked for specific things that were not expensive, or in the case of your recent post, things that you will be completely unable to use.
If I had short hair and was given heated rollers for it, I'd laugh out loud and say "Where you drinking when you bought this for me or did you buy it for someone else with long hair and forget to give it to them?" and then I'd consign it to the charity shop bundle that I'll be making a delivery to as soon as they open up again.
It isn't funny OP, is sad and just shows a complete lack of thought about your feelings from your parents. I would have to hand them back the presents they give if it's not something that you can use and that is not what you asked for (e.g. Game of Thrones book vs another random book).

A gift is a gift. Why dont you write your parents a list of what you are prepared to accept. I expect they'll be thrilled to have evidence of their successful upbringing.

ShotsFired

Nice summary :)

Thinking back OP, I went through a similar phase to you soon after I graduated (and a tiny bit when I bought my first house last year).

I was in many ways shorter on money than when a student, and I longed for simple but nice gifts that were nicer than I could afford in my everyday life (like a fancy hairbrush - cost £10, but my budget would just allow me the £2 one). But nobody wanted to be the person who got the dull gift.

Same when house buying - we'd been in rented with lots of furnishings, so we needed a lot of small dull things. But nobody wanted to be the person who contributed a spatula set, gardening tools, a new vacuum! We got cushions, throws, all sorts of things of various expense, because people were excited to furnish our new house to their taste and random budget, not to help us out when we'd just moved in.

@WingsOnMyBoots

Sad to think on, but true. I'm 25, but my parents are in their mid sixties, they are in good health but I do think sometimes on holidays or when I miss them that I may have precious little time left with then already.

No matter when a loved one goes, it's always too soon.

Yes OP it just puts things in perspective. But that is not to say you should minimise your hurt feelings and brush them under the carpet either. When you find a place inside yourself where you are alright where you are with this matter you will be alright with the matter itself.

"I was in many ways shorter on money than when a student, and I longed for simple but nice gifts that were nicer than I could afford in my everyday life (like a fancy hairbrush - cost £10, but my budget would just allow me the £2 one)"

This is exactly how I feel!!! I long for things that I don't thunk my parents understand are out of my reach, bringing it back to the umbrella, I could have naught myself a dollar store one, but yearned for something nicer, more durable, special, and even it it was only $20, that's not an extra expense I can justify on my current budget. I starting to think, after reading all these comments and seeing different perspectives, that my parents just don't understand how much it would me to me and they think "This is just as good because it serves the same purpose" when they get me the cheaper gift.

Again, it's about values.

I'm sorry my typing is getting so poor. I'm on the go now and my thumbs are clumsy, haha

@WingsOnMyBoots

Thank you, that's very wise and kind of you to say. I'm working towards getting to that place.

@Ivymaud

I'm sorry, I don't understand. What is the joke?

You sound a bit precious going from your intro post.

I get your point but I think this is ridiculous. Life is too short for this. How old are you? You sound way too old to be obsessing over this.
When they ask what you would like, just tell them you don't need anything.

Next time a appropriate situation occurs and they ask you what you want, is it possible for you to ask for gift vouchers? Or have you tried this?

For example, 2 Christmases ago I asked for the first game of thrones book because I wanted to try the serise out, it costs $9.99 and was widely available, but I recived a copy of "quest of the dragon", I assume because it was on sale.

This feels like it's also about thinking they know what you want better than you do, as if you're still a child.

Also, do you write it down or just ask for it? They might be forgetful??

@WingsOnMyBoots
I could try for a voucher but that's iffy too, it's just seen as rather rude in my family, and in the area I'm from. It's sort of the same as if someone asked you want you wanted as a gift and you said they HAD to spend at least $20 on you. While not really so much money, it would still be rude. That's the attitude in my family around asking for money or a voucher, it's okay to give one but rude to ask for one.

As for being forgetful, that's not the issue, they truly do just love a deal. I think I'm going to have to come to peace with whatever will be.

I absolutely understand where you are coming from Op.

My Grandparents, while neither rich nor poor, would choose to buy 10 cheap items over one quality thing. Even if you give a specific answer to the 'what would you like for Christmas/Birthday' they will find a cheap version of it and buy you 4 other things, too.

I dont find it hurtful by any means, but I do find it very very wasteful, as a lot of the time, things break immediately and have to go in the bin.

My Mum suggested it could be to do with the era in which they were raised, as in war-time. And that they didnt have many 'things' then, so try to supply lots of 'things' themselves.

@firehousedog

I'm sorry, I'm not from the uk, what do you mean by "precious" in this context?

@ poopsqueak

I absolutely think that's a big part of it, I wish I could communicate to them that that's not what is most valuable to me though.

Some people are just stingy and there’s very little you can do about it.

I have a fairly well off Uncle, for example, who every year was the butt of our family’s jokes because he bought the cheapest tackiest presents imaginable. One year as a teenage goth I got a bright pink nightgown aged 11-12 years (I was about 14/15). Worst thing was, it still had the reduced label on it... We all laughed it off.

I wouldn’t bother telling them what you want in future, just let them give you whatever tat they want and give it to a charity shop.

That being said, how can I tackle the issue of getting rubbish gifts? Often completely useless to me or unsuited to my needs? I've already asked that they just send a card, and it hasn't worked, and I'd hate to hurt their feelings by not using what they give me. Suggestions for that conversation?

Ask them to make a contribution to charity on your behalf?

Mmmm...they love a deal. Which is ok but they love it so much they put that above actually buying you what you've asked for. They won't change. Yes it is better for you if you can somehow navigate through this to being at peace with it. None of us is perfect and there are worse foibles. Energy trying to change them or the situation is wasted.

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