Hurt over cheap gifts?

[C0tt0nstar]

I've always gotten cheap gifts from my parents, for Christmas and birthdays, for example I might have asked for a pair of Nike sneakers as a teen and instead received wal-mart brand. I've always been aware that my feelings of not being valued and feeling hurt over this are quite spoiled and selfish sounding, so I never brought it up with my parents until a year ago.

It was honestly a little mortifying to explain this as an adult to my parents, who have always provided well for me (I made sure I stressed this when I told them as well), but I had to let them know that when they asked what I wanted for my birthday and I said "just a nice, high-quality umbrella, something to last me a good while" and recived a dollar store compact umbrella, that quite literally broke the first time I used it due to only moderate winds, it was hurtful.

I tried to explain that I appreciated all they got for me though the years, but that I wished they'd get me something a bit special for the holidays, and if they couldn't a card with a hart-felt message would be nice, but the cheap gifts have continued.

I feel frustrated, unheard, and unappreciated, aibu?

The love languages advice is good. People do show love in different ways, and people have different views about presents and the importance thereof. Especially for adults.

I don't think it's unreasonable either to want love communicated through presents or to not really have that ability or mindset, but it's easier for people in the first group to change. This is clearly much more of a problem for you than it is for them, for better or for worse, so I think your best bet is simply to accept that they don't view presents in the same way as you do. That includes not giving them expensive presents when they've made it very clear they're not arsed about that. Save the money and spend it on yourself instead. You're not doing them any good with what you get them if you don't care.

I agree. I'm to start work now, thanks everyone for the advise!

Advice* haha

Cheap gifts all around at least means there''s no aspect of targeting you. Some people will always get more excited about a bargain, my DM is one of them. Get your thinking cap on and see what you can ask for that they cannot get a cheaper version of. Consider it a private challenge every birthday and Christmas. Will you win, or will they somehow manage to outfox you...

Also, consider buying them economy gifts too and putting what you would ideally have spent on them into your own birthday gift fund.

I understand you OP my dad is the same, he buys the cheapest shit he can find for gifts, yet was happy to smoke 20+ fags a day and go to the pub every night.

It is being so far down the list of priorities that hurts.

FFS (to the nasty posters on here). There's a difference between cheapskate gifts and buying low cost gifts. OP just wants an ordinary mid-range but quality make umbrella like M&S that'll last a few years, not a dollar store on that'll disintegrate on contact with one raindrop

Same with the other poster's guitar book. Buying the wrong thing, or such a terrible quality product is a waste of money. My parents were similar (of war era). They bought me an el cheapo £10 personal stereo from the market, rather than a Sony Walkman/similar. It mangled my tapes, so cost more money than they saved. It's that old adage... buy cheap, buy twice.

Showing love is nothing to do with expensive presents. I think YABU to still be upset over this, even now in adulthood, and raising it with your parents. You've acknowledged that you were well provided for throughout your upbringing and know that you are loved. I'm sorry, but you seem entitled and childish.

Next time they ask what you want as a gift, why not ask them to make a donation to a favoured charity of yours if you dislike the gifts they buy. A donation would be much more productive.

I have popped back to say, ask them for wine in future. Because even crap wine can be mulled or made into sangria.

Could you ask for the receipt next time, tactfully 'thank you for the present, I appreciate the thought. Unfortunately the item is broken/I've already read it/a different colour would suit me better can I exchange it?'
It might make them think twice.

I don’t think you are being grasping or greedy OP - I get where you are coming from- it just wears you down a bit after a while if you are a thoughtful gift giver & wish that a close family member who has asked what you specifically would like gave you that item if it is modestly priced.
We have this with DSIL & DD’s presents. DB has a very well paid job. I have always chosen thoughtful presents for DNeices but my DD often receives cheap tat. Twice in the last 3 years she has received a set of wash bags (?from TK Maxx. where SIL shops). They don’t look very appealing, not for a young girl & not even to me. They went to the chariy shop.
DSil I am sure likes to feel she is being frugal but it would be nice for DD to feel that a little more thought went into the present. She would be happy with £5 or £10 gift card/book token. It really isn’t a case of her being grasping. She has never complained -just looked crestfallen.
Can only agree with other posters ask for consumables that you would use anyway & accept that you just can’t change folk.

I haven't RTFT - so sorry if I'm duplicating.

A direct solution would be some kind of Secret Santa set up.

Do you have siblings? Can you all pitch in £10 and so each person gets one things to the value of £30/£40? And you can brief sibling on what to get?

Would that work?

My parents are the same. I don't feel undervalued at all. I was loved to pieces. I was brattish about it as a teenager but as an adult understand that they don't spend money on things like I do.

They really don't get that money sometimes does buy you quality. They love a crappy market (not a classy french style one...far too expensive).

Christmas is a hoot!

Scarlett why do you blame and put responsibility for presents on your SIL surely it's up to your DB to get gifts for his relatives?

The thing is OP, my parents really don't see that they've bought a piece of tat. I also once got an (unasked for) umbrella. It was lilac with glitter in it, probably from Wilko. I can well imagine my (rather tasteless) mother looking at it thinking Oooh her bedrooms a bit lilac and oooh look a bit of glitter makes it a bit different! Perfect!!! Tick.

As a teen I used to dream of tasteful Christmas's and spent a fortune on gourmet foodie gifts, luxury scarves from Liberty etc for them in my twenties. Total waste of money as they didn't see the difference!

It was an item of true hideousness.

Oh c’mon, surely people can see that a £1 pound shop umbrella is a shit present under any circumstances? And particularly shit for your child’s only birthday present?!

My DHs parents used to do the brand swapping thing- he’d be dying for a pair of Nikes and get market stall filas (for everyone saying brands are meaningless there is a huge quality difference between Nike’s and say, M&S own brand!) And it’s just made him value brands even more because he was never happy with the cheap alternative.

It's the 'not being listened to' that is most annoying. After years of my lovely Mum buying me utterly useless presents that I neither liked, needed or wanted (despite being pretty upfront about please don't buy me anything), I finally got through to her to please just give us vouchers for Xmas. Thing is I know she hates doing this and then feels that she has to buy another 'wee thing' for us to open. Wee thing is usually a silly thing out a charity shop. Now I'm a great one for charity shops myself but I hate to see her wasting her money this way and I hate that she doesn't hear what I say.

Crap gifts over the years include a desk top, hand operated paper shredder which fell to bits on first use; a telescopic shelf for shower; polyester socks. It's pointless and just adds to the piles of crap on the planet. I know she is being kind but when you've explicitly told someone not to get you anything and they still do, it says more about their need to give a present - probably some deep psychological thing going on there.

Blanche- DB does not buy the gifts. I have no idea why -guess he feels that SIL would know best what to purchase for DD but that is not really the issue. The issue is when one person makes a lot of effort and another apparently less thought goes in to the process and harder when a child is caught up in it.

Maybe they don't believe in material things, you said they provided well for you as a child. I would lower your expectations of their gifts, and just tell them to send you a card. Maybe at the time, they did not want you to have the Nike trainers as they felt they weren't worth the money.

So your brother puts zero thought in. indeed.

I hate thoughtless gifts. I ask for nothing, I make it clear that I don't want or need anything. I am happy with a 50p chocolate if they insist.

I get piles of generic gifts. People who but loads of stuff because it is reduced in the sales (Boots 3 for 2 tat that no-one wanted that year and certainly no-one wants a year later) and then work out after who it is for- thoughtless gift giving. It is madness- we have become a nation of excessive tat giving.

I ran the school tombola. We were given over £3000 worth of boots 3 for 2 tat alone- including 4 big gok wan sets. All given to teens who didn't want it or need it and all who would have been happier with £5 in an envelope.

My DD has eczema, for her teenage years she got boots tat from aunties, all pink (she hate pink) and mostly stuff she could use. Thoughtless gift giving. My 2 DS got cash or game cards- as boys are so much harder to buy for as there isn't such lovely stuff apparently. I felt so sorry for her. She got 4 pairs of pink hair straigteners across the years from 1 aunt- who knew that she had GHDs- that she had saved like mad for.

I always give teens cash , sometimes with a carefully chosen small gift or even with a big gift.

OP- your parents sound really mean. They should get you what you want, it sounds like your request are modest and unassuming.

she couldnt use couldnt couldnt

Ahh....this is a tricky one. My parents used to be like this (they’ve got better with age). Never had branded trainers, now we didn’t have much money but I remember I really wanted a pair of Air Jordans and said I’d use my birthday/Christmas/holiday spends to make up the difference if my parents paid the usual £20 (or whatever). My dad still refused as I didn’t ‘need’ £60 trainers. One Christmas I really wanted GHDs and they bought me the Babyliss steam ones - I was gutted but knew if I said anything they’d have made a big deal about me being ungrateful, ruining Christmas, aren’t they all the same etc....I just bought the GHDs and hid them in my room. Some friends of my mums used to be the same, they were very close more like family really and we always went to birthdays/weddings/christenings. Every year I’d get cheap make up sets that I’d never use, and I’d far rather they (there were about 5/6 of them) had put a fiver each in and bought me an Urban Decay pallette, rather than spending about fifty quid between them on something I wouldn’t use.

As a result of never getting anything I wanted, I just buy whatever trainers/sunglasses/straighteners/make up I want now. And either ask for something VERY specific (e.g. I’ve seen a black cardi in New Look) or for vouchers for my Kindle.

Oh gosh Blanche- I buy for my in-laws too & it is not a problem. DH works long hours & is often clueless re what he should buy for adults let alone children. I do not think it is a case of ‘zero thought’ by DH or DB. I am not sure why you are making it into such a thing of who should be doing the buying & missing the real point.
SIL sees that I send nice stuff. Usually not such nice stuff comes back.
If somebody sends something nice for your child do you think “Ah but I am not going to find something nice for neices or nephews because that is the responsibility of their blood uncle/aunt so nothing to do with me?”
Anyway sorry OP don’t wish to derail your thread. Just came on to say I understand and don’t think you are being grasping & get why you are mystified/hurt.

I get this - it's not about the money per se. It's lovely when someone gets you a thoughtful present, regardless of the cost. One of my favourite presents was a box of wine gums a colleague gave to thank me for helping out with some of his workload, having taken the trouble to ask people on my team what my favourite sweet treat was.

Conversely, a present that is somehow as much about meeting the needs of the giver is ever so slightly disappointing. My DSIS is all about bargain hunting, and will not buy anything at full price. For the DC's birthdays she invariably spends £20 buying them 4 or 5 half-price end of season not-quite-right pieces of clothing. Whereas they'd absolutely love one decent £12.99 hoodie from H&M.