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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hurt over cheap gifts?

236 replies

C0tt0nstar · 25/06/2018 08:57

I've always gotten cheap gifts from my parents, for Christmas and birthdays, for example I might have asked for a pair of Nike sneakers as a teen and instead received wal-mart brand. I've always been aware that my feelings of not being valued and feeling hurt over this are quite spoiled and selfish sounding, so I never brought it up with my parents until a year ago.

It was honestly a little mortifying to explain this as an adult to my parents, who have always provided well for me (I made sure I stressed this when I told them as well), but I had to let them know that when they asked what I wanted for my birthday and I said "just a nice, high-quality umbrella, something to last me a good while" and recived a dollar store compact umbrella, that quite literally broke the first time I used it due to only moderate winds, it was hurtful.

I tried to explain that I appreciated all they got for me though the years, but that I wished they'd get me something a bit special for the holidays, and if they couldn't a card with a hart-felt message would be nice, but the cheap gifts have continued.

I feel frustrated, unheard, and unappreciated, aibu?

OP posts:
ScarlettSahara · 25/06/2018 18:21

Hand & MissCharley - yes I get it! Also now happening with DD & her group of friends at Christmas & with Secret Santa. DD chooses something with thought & often reciprocated with tat. Tried to get her to duck out of it but she felt unable to.

Oliversmumsarmy · 25/06/2018 18:40

Reading this thread I have come up with a brilliant way to repair the economy and reduce landfill.

STOP BUYING CRAPGrin

BlancheM · 25/06/2018 18:52

Yeah sorry Scarlett I was just returning the Confused face. I was only picking up on the fact that men are always let off the hook with shit like this. Women are thoughtless or a but wacky whereas men are simply far too busy with jobs and other important things. Maybe if us women stopped mollycoddling them/doing the wifework, they would actually have to get a clue (or stop assuming they don't have one).
Sorry, now that was a derailment!

ScarlettSahara · 25/06/2018 19:57

I understand your point Blanche. TBH DH has chosen 1 or 2 sweet & thoughtful presents for DD when she was younger but more often than not he goes into panic mode or agonises & still gets something that misses the mark.
I could give a list which might be outing but one low point & one where he thought he had done well was purchased for $5 from a street trader(he was proud of that)-it smelt of goat!Grin.
He really does work 12 hour days but does not view tasks as wifey & he will cook at weekends-it’s just more practical for me to do the bulk of present selection. Sorry for de-railing again OP!
Anyhoo nice cool glass of Pimms Wine needed all round I think!

WingsOnMyBoots · 25/06/2018 21:54

The problem with crap is it wears a good disguise and when it's in the shop waiting for you to buy it , it masquerades as something you really need. something pretty, cute and often irresistible that will add something necessary to your life. It's only when you've had it for a while it reveals itself as a useless, dust-collecting piece of junk.

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/06/2018 02:42

I was thinking more that if you are buying something and it is not what the recipient actually asked for then don't buy it.

There seems an awful lot of great aunts or grandmas on this thread who waste an awful lot of money buying shit no one wants which just ends up in the bin or at a charity shop where someone else's great aunt buys it and give it to someone else who either bins it or charity shops it.

Things just seem to get passed around till someone sticks it in the rubbish

HelenaDove · 26/06/2018 03:09

Its the THOUGHT that counts , I got a B&M cosmetic set from some relatives for my recent birthday. Theyve not long had a baby and its very kind of them but i know they are private renting as well as have a new baby and i really wouldnt have minded just a card. Babies and private rents are expensive I would have completely understood.

crimsonlake · 26/06/2018 07:51

As I see it your parents have always been like this and will not change. You say they prove their love to you in other ways, accept it and let go of it. What is the use and point of bringing this up as it is probably hurtful to them now you are a grown up. Let it go and stop overthinking and dwelling on things.

WingsOnMyBoots · 26/06/2018 08:31

HelenaDove

Yes it IS the thought that counts and that is exactly why the OP is upset. The thought in this case seems not to be her and what she would like at all but about saving a buck. They are being thoughtless in relation to what she has asked for.

ShotsFired · 26/06/2018 09:16

Also, all this rathe pious-sounding "it's the thought that counts", when being given a half-drunk bottle of something etc (as a pp mentioned).

Where was the thought, exactly? Just because they handed over an item does not in any way mean they "thought" about you or it or anything.

So that line of argument is as redundant in these poster's cases as it is in OPs. Not a single thought given to the recipient. Just a way to tick off an item on the giver's to-do list with as much thoughtful consideration as "re-order the dog food".

Ruffian · 26/06/2018 09:35

But the OP hasn't been given a half-drunk bottle of stuff, just cheaper versions of stuff she would have liked. The problem lies with the op equating showing love with giving thoughtful gifts. That's always going to cause angst.

Ketayuzu · 26/06/2018 09:46

I haven't read everyone else's posts but have you done this quiz?

www.5lovelanguages.com
I realised that my DH is a time and act of love giver, and I'm a words and touch person. (Luckily neither of us are gift people or we'd be pissed off with what we give each other!)
Why don't you e.g. ask to do something together. Then they give you something but its not a physical gift?

ShotsFired · 26/06/2018 09:54

@Ruffian But the OP hasn't been given a half-drunk bottle of stuff, just cheaper versions of stuff she would have liked

No, but another poster commented that she had received a half-drunk bottle of stuff and she was happy with it because it was the "thought that counted" (ergo OP should also be grateful because she'd got anything).

My point it that both posters received thoughtless gifts (the Game of Thrones wrong book is perfect example - ask for a specific gift idea, then go and buy something else that is not it and just a waste of money. That this mismatch causes angst is the whole point of the thread!

JumbleJamba · 26/06/2018 10:04

This is one of the worst 'first world problems' I have heard.

Get over yourself!!!!!!!!

NonSuchFun · 26/06/2018 10:14

These things are all relative. Teen went to a sleep over for a friend's birthday and was shocked - the friend's mother had died two years previous, sibling at Uni, she is home alone with her father. Who gave her, for her birthday, a birthday card listing money he had lent her which equalled that which he would have spent on her birthday present so no present. It wasn't a lot of money either.

I would say be grateful for caring parents who have helped you through life.

Gottokondo · 26/06/2018 10:40

My MIL absolutely loves me but isn't the kind of person who shows it with gifts. I tend to ask for stuff that I don't mind if it's cheap like shower gel, cookie cutters, bird seed and tea towels.

ThePants999 · 26/06/2018 10:52

a closet full of sheets that are the wrong side for my bed (true story, because the queen sized set was clearance and the double wasnt, lol!)

Hoooookay. If anyone's still thinking the problem is the OP being ungrateful, re-read that bit. You couldn't ask for clearer evidence that the parents are literally thinking about nothing more than getting something cheap.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 26/06/2018 17:31

You are definitely being very unreasonable.
YOu sound selfish and entitled.
I’d never ask my parents for anything / they didn’t have the money.
You really don’t deserve any gifts

Turquoise123 · 26/06/2018 17:39

I think you should consider doing what everyone else does - ignore the issue. Most of us get what you call rubbish gifts some of the time and a fair number of us get them all the time. It's not really and issue is it ?

Justanotheruser01 · 26/06/2018 17:58

My inlaws are a little like this they are well off but shop in charity shops etc so just dont understand makes and quality tbf possible they dont do it for any reason than they simply dont understand.

Ruffian · 26/06/2018 18:00

My point it that both posters received thoughtless gifts..That this mismatch causes angst is the whole point of the thread!

And my point is that you shouldn't equate gifts with love and that's the op's real problem. If you do you will spend a lot of time agonising over 1. people's lack of thought (and therefore love) over the stuff they buy for you and 2. agonising about the lack of gratitude (and therefore love) of people you've bought stuff for. Too much agony all round, not healthy.

user1483875094 · 26/06/2018 18:19

My very loved and cherished next door-neighbour, who helped me HUGELY when I (shell-shocked and stunned) moved in next door after a vile divorce, gifted me, in our first Christmas at the new house, THE MOST HIDEOUS cheap and awful wall decoration. However, that went up on the wall with great pride and gratitude, because the love and support she showed me and my two little ones out-weighed everything else. It is now very tattered and battered, BUT IT STILL COMES OUT EVERY CHRISTMAS because SHE thought it was ok, and her support, time and love, in other areas were a life saver. FGS it is NOT about the "price of a gift" how are your parents in other areas? Do they love you? Do they show their love? Have they supported you in your decisions? Do you rely on them for their love and support? ..... or only the value of the presents they give you? Sorry, but your post makes me feel angry, as do the posters supporting you in their thoughts about how your gifts should be valued in £ ! Very, very sad.

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/06/2018 18:20

This is one of the worst 'first world problems' I have heard

It isn't just a first world problem it is a whole world problem.

People manufacturing stuff so people buy the cheap crap to give as Christmas presents to people who don't want if so it ends up in the bin when we are running out of landfill.

Instead of buying what someone has asked for or giving a voucher or money towards what someone actually wants would be better.

ILoveDolly · 26/06/2018 18:30

People are wilfully misunderstanding this in a rush to look very non materialistic and wonderful. If someone asks for something for their birthday they might expect you to care enough about them to find the RIGHT thing. Quality, appearance, in your budget, etc. If instead what you get is the CHEAPEST thing, that feels bad. We are not all saints and if you can't expect something nice when all you asked for was an umbrella FFS then when can you.
She didn't ask for a car.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 26/06/2018 18:45

@oliversmumsarmy I don’t think you understand what a first world problem is.