Hurt over cheap gifts?

[C0tt0nstar]

I've always gotten cheap gifts from my parents, for Christmas and birthdays, for example I might have asked for a pair of Nike sneakers as a teen and instead received wal-mart brand. I've always been aware that my feelings of not being valued and feeling hurt over this are quite spoiled and selfish sounding, so I never brought it up with my parents until a year ago.

It was honestly a little mortifying to explain this as an adult to my parents, who have always provided well for me (I made sure I stressed this when I told them as well), but I had to let them know that when they asked what I wanted for my birthday and I said "just a nice, high-quality umbrella, something to last me a good while" and recived a dollar store compact umbrella, that quite literally broke the first time I used it due to only moderate winds, it was hurtful.

I tried to explain that I appreciated all they got for me though the years, but that I wished they'd get me something a bit special for the holidays, and if they couldn't a card with a hart-felt message would be nice, but the cheap gifts have continued.

I feel frustrated, unheard, and unappreciated, aibu?

my Dad is a rubbish gift giver, not particularly through lack of love but just lack of imagination.

Last year he bought DH a particularly crap gift and when he asked if DH liked it, I openly said it had gone straight into the charity bag.i didn't want to be hurtful, but DH had been quite upset/perplexed. It seemed to work, now he just sends gift cards which are well-received and we tell him what we bought.

Since I became an adult and had children I stopped asking or expecting my parents to buy me anything for my Birthday.

OP - my parents don't just get me useless gifts. They get me BIZARRE gifts. Think a full sized lobster shaped wall lantern candle holder.

It's just who they are! In (my mum's head especially), that's just how you give gifts. And I am a 'naice' gift buyer.

I'm NOT saying you shouldn't want and like nice gifts. I am saying that you need to isolate the joy of giving a lovely thoughtful gift and how they reciprocate. Because they just don't get the same kick out of it you do and that's nothing to do with not loving you.

My parents parsimonious habits have given me two things by the way - an ability to step back from needless expense (I am very good at scaling down frivolous expenditure so good at saving), and a genuine pleasure in lovely things I have got for myself.

MIL has a lot of form for this - DH would ask for 'a Lands End big and tall shirt in blue' and get an M&S yellow shirt in a non tall fit plus some assorted other stuff he hadn't asked for and so none of it got used. Or I wanted plain black gloves and got a fawn hat/scarf/gloves set that I wouldn't ever wear - and all of it ending up costing more than the original but perceived to be better value.

Eventually we worked out that the convenience of just clicking on a link won out, and we've done Amazon wish lists ever since which seems to work.

@C0tt0nstar That being said, how can I tackle the issue of getting rubbish gifts? Often completely useless to me or unsuited to my needs?

What about asking for things where it doesn't matter too much and the quality is generally pretty standard?

Ask for a new butter dish, a funky shower curtain, a doormat, new cutlery. All boring stuff that you have to buy anyway, and you don't really care too much about.

you are not going to change this. you have raised this with them. you need to stop ascribing your value to the value of the gifts. do you have any evidence in any other way that they dont love you or value you?
my dhs family literally give each other a box of chocs for birthdays. it took me years to accept that this is exactly as it was. a token of affection.
on the plus side they may well leave you a nice inheritance.

Zoe, I find a lot of your reaponce to be quite assumptive.

I may be an adult, but if you have to know my personal business to not be so judgemental, I'll have you know that I've only recently graduated from uni and I've been struggling to find a job, for the past few years new sneakers or a nice umbrella have really been out of my reach, I'm often living paycheck to paycheck.

As well, Nike's must cost much more in the UK than in Canada because a pair of "cheap" sneakers here is about $25cnd and nike's are around $90cnd, which is about £35 more.

I also find it quite rude of you to say I'm acting like a 6 year old, I've come here for help with negative feelings I am struggling with, not to be put down and insulted. I may look into the book you've suggested, so thank you for that, but otherwise this post was quite rude.

I certainly show my love through (what I like to think is) thoughtful gift giving, and I'm hurt that I'm not receiving thoughtful gifts, I suppose I'll have to work on seeing the other ways my parents show their love for me

Google love languages, you show love through gift giving but they probably express themselves through a different “language” that you’re maybe not recognizing

wink1970

Just FYI, your dad will have been hurt. Baffled as to why your husband would be though for receiving a less than ideal gift though.

(and again, my parents are the king and queen of bizarre gifting, and my fiance has kindly accepted them for years - even if he didn't like them, the idea of being upset by a gift an in Law gets you is frankly odd).

Did you speak to them about the umbrella for example? Because surely they want you to have present that does not break after one use? And it's environmentally damaging to give a gift that will be binned. Maybe ask for consumables instead? Like food or some pleasant wash stuff that one can find in cheap stores (yes they do exist)? I feel for you op but sometimes it's best to ship for yourself if you want a specific thing :)

@shotsfired
That's a really good idea, I could always use things like toothpaste or some body lotion, things like that.

@Tinkety's suggestion is also really good. I am like OP and try very very hard to give gifts that are meaningful and have a thought about he recipient.

But some people see gifts as functional acknowledgements and almost meaningless, although that doesn't mean they are maliciously giving shit gifts. It's just not their way.

It took me a long time to understand they weren't trying to hurt me , we just had different languages. Go easy on yourself - and ignore the pompous posters who tell you to shut up and be grateful.

No judgment here - my parents avoided spending money and it can leave you with hurt feelings. They were frugal to a fault. Presents only at birthdays (1 gift) and Christmas. Mother made all my clothes for me, she cut my hair herself... the first time I went to a hairdresser I was 17... When I got my period she bought me generic towels... honestly, I'm shaking my head. I am now a total clothes horse. I see something I like, I buy it. I married a frugal guy, and he moans about how I spend my money, but it's in one ear and out the other. My advice, get a good job and buy what you want for yourself.

@thecatsthecats
That's too funny! I had a laugh at that, sorry! My ma is the same, sometimes the gifts are just cheap versions of what I ask for, but sometimes they are bizzar things too! Once she got me a book of "1001 cool facts for kids!", she said it was such a nice big hardcover book, and such a steal at 3.99 or whatever it was in the discount bin, but I was 22 and childless!! So absurd. That one was funny to me, I didn't get all upset about it that time, hahaha

You sound extremely ungrateful and if I were your parents you would be receiving no more gifts from me, then you would really have something to cry about.

She doesn't sound ungrateful at all SilverySurfer. She sounds hurt and confused.

You on the other hand sound needlessly spiteful.

I wouldn't buy my teen Nike's either.She gets no branded stuff.
My mum sent me a book token this year as I had no idea what I wanted so I will enjoy browsing with that.
My dd knows she is loved and listened to and knows better than to ask for things she knows I won't buy.You are an adult ,you know your parents will not get expensive presents so either put up with it or as for something inexpensive .
My ex bought me a dustbin for our first Christmas together and two tins of turkey flavoured cat food for the cats.When I asked why he said that I had been talking about getting one so he knew I needed it.(this is not why he is an ex)

You miss the point SilverySurfer

I was really happy when DM stopped buying me gifts

I bet the OP would rather receive nothing than a load of crap she has to get rid of.

Also I have to admit I'm quite surprised at the number of responders caught up on the fact that I wanted brand name sneakers as a teenager. It was ten years ago, and I have a hard time believing none of you have ever wanted what was cool with your friends, or what the music stars were wearing? I was simply trying to provide an example of what typically happens.

On another note, like some other posters in this forum my family is a "one gift" type family, and we usually ask directly for what we want, no guess work, haha

My daughter once.got given a wrapped freebie sample barnie cake (the ones that are usually 5 for £1) and a craft box free sample whichbwas xmas themed.. for her june birthday....

From her Uncle/Godfather who had just come back from a holiday in the Barbados and bought a new 25k car 😂😂

To be fair she loved them...probably best presents to her

Instead of asking for presents, why not ask them to take you for lunch so you can spend time with them. Or ask for practical help with something like childcare.

@thecats

no he wasn't, but thanks for caring (or judging?). My dad knows he's crap at gifts and even said 'was that one a step too far?' when he rang. It was kinder to be honest, we have a good relationship and can talk about things.

That being said, how can I tackle the issue of getting rubbish gifts? Often completely useless to me or unsuited to my needs? I've already asked that they just send a card, and it hasn't worked, and I'd hate to hurt their feelings by not using what they give me. Suggestions for that conversation

Do some good out of them and donate them to charity. How will they know? If you feel bad about hurting their feelings, wear them or use them once or twice and then donate. I don't know what more you can do. There's no point in using and wearing something regularly that you just don't like or want.

Those £1 umbrellas are worse than useless because they break and get you drenched during the first use. I think asking them to splash out on an umbrella (what does a good one cost; £7-10?) Seemed like a really sensible idea and I'm sorry it didn't work for you.

Not helpful, but solidarity; my family like buying endless crap too, just things I don't want and can't use. I once got them to buy hand towels, oven gloves and house plants; they objected vociferously that these weren't good presents, but it was great and I was happy. Since then I've failed to influence them. They wanted to buy baby clothes so I asked for babygrows and vests with studs down them only; nope - they decide to get ones that pull on over the head because "they look cute", as well as baby shoes and slippers when I explicitly asked them not to, about ten newborn hats that didn't get worn etc. I'd prefer that they bought nothing rather than all this crap that I have to thank them for and chuck out. If anybody can figure out how to stop them buying stuff I'd be grateful.

My mother gave me no gifts growing up and gave my 16 yr old brother a car when he started college. So I kind of get where you're coming from.