Hurt over cheap gifts?

[C0tt0nstar]

I've always gotten cheap gifts from my parents, for Christmas and birthdays, for example I might have asked for a pair of Nike sneakers as a teen and instead received wal-mart brand. I've always been aware that my feelings of not being valued and feeling hurt over this are quite spoiled and selfish sounding, so I never brought it up with my parents until a year ago.

It was honestly a little mortifying to explain this as an adult to my parents, who have always provided well for me (I made sure I stressed this when I told them as well), but I had to let them know that when they asked what I wanted for my birthday and I said "just a nice, high-quality umbrella, something to last me a good while" and recived a dollar store compact umbrella, that quite literally broke the first time I used it due to only moderate winds, it was hurtful.

I tried to explain that I appreciated all they got for me though the years, but that I wished they'd get me something a bit special for the holidays, and if they couldn't a card with a hart-felt message would be nice, but the cheap gifts have continued.

I feel frustrated, unheard, and unappreciated, aibu?

My languages of love are pretty much giving and cuddling. It’s all very well saying that some people aren’t good givers and it’s just seen as functional. However, they need to give love in another language and often they aren’t. So the child, who they are supposed to love gets very hurt.

I don’t understand not giving your child Nike if you can afford them. My dd is going into yr6. I bought her a pair of converse School shoes, which I hope along with a pair of School boots for the winter will last her until the end of yr6. The £40ish Clark’s shoes wouldn’t have.

Ok £100 check out these

www.james-smith.co.uk/product-category/umbrellas/ladies-umbrellas/ladies-pencil/

DH bought me one!

I really wouldnt sweat about the gift thing. It might be that they value it in a different way and you are scrutinising it more than they realise? They probably have no idea it gives you any angst.

@JoeElliotsMullet

This is exactly why it's hurtful, thank you for putting into words what I was struggling to.

What were the circumstances that lead to you 'having' to have this conversation with them?

I do find buying you the wrong book very strange and TBH if they have access to a book shop no excuse for this one really... But I don't buy my kid designer brands and dont wear them myself.

It's the difference between what you are saying and what they are hearing.

You say 'I'd like Nike trainers,' they hear 'C0tt0n' wants trainers'.

You say 'I'd like a reasonable umbrella', they hear 'C0tt0n wants an umbrella'.

They probably, like my OH, don't recognise that there's a fundamental difference in quality between some things and others. Paper is paper is paper, so why aren't trainers trainers? I keep trying to tell him that quality often equals comfort and durability, but he keeps buying these fucking £10 for 5 pairs of men's briefs..

I may be projecting just a touch here, of course...

Stop making suggestions and have fun seeing what whacky thing they come up with. A gift is a gift. Someone has still taken the time and their money to get you something. You’ve heard the saying ‘when a kid gives you a rock be pleased as if might be all they have to give’. Actually it applies to all. You never know how much someone has to give. So treat each gift from them like an unexpected bit of pleasure or entertainment and buy your own nikes and top end umbrellas (which is beyond me in any event as ALL umbrellas can break in the wind so why pay a fortune for a brolly)

I get this. My own family are great, we don't go overboard but we are careful with what we buy and will speak to each other first so that nieces/nephews get gifts they will love. Dhs family are totally different. They don't give a stuff about us or our dc's. Dh only has 1 sibling and she is financially very secure yet her gifts to the children look like they come from jumbles sales. We have had puzzles with pieces missing, guitars with broken springs and a football goal with no net. She is a pretty passive aggressive person so I assume she does it on purpose and we just ignore it!

YANBU, it's so wasteful to get pound shop stuff that breaks within a month. You've got to think about cost per use, cheap stuff works out more expensive in the end because you have to replace it so often.

Can you ask for books instead? Doesn't matter how much they cost. Choose one that's been out a while and they can either get it in a second hand shop or a used one online for a few quid.

@KurriKurri
No, it's cheap gifts all around, no favourites hahha. Even my pa buys cheap stuff for himself, my ma will buy herself luxurious things though, not always, but sometimes. I don't fault her for that though, she works for her money and deserves to buy what she wants.

To answer what I think the question is, I'm not being picked on or not listened to in particular, my brothers have the same issues haha

That is actually quite weird. My parents won't buy branded stuff (for us, themselves or anyone else) but if you ask for a certain book or DVD they would certainly get that.

Have you tried giing them cheap tat back? You sound like someone who buys people thoughtful presents I suggest you try the opposite for your dp this year. If they are as happy with the cheap tat as they were something nice, you'll know it's nothin personal, they just don't view "stuff" in the same way. If, on the other hand, they get upset that suggests that there actually some quite nasty dynamic at work here.

I saw a £200 umbrella once (actually I think it was £179 but close enough. I couldn’t stop laughing (ps I don’t own any umbrellas and my son nearly failed his 2 year check up as he didn’t know what one was as we never have them so I might be the wrong person to ask about posh umbrellas 😂😂)

Still think it’s your expectations that are too high. Don’t make suggestions lol.

Every year I get great amusement from seeing what wierd thing my dolahly gran comes up with for my birthday :). Treat it as part of the fun not the problem

@Foodylicious

Finally said to my brothers a few years back over beers at Christmas time "hey... have you ever gotten the gift you asked of ma and pa?" And of course none of us almost never had, I said "I know it's spoiled but it bugs me" and my oldest brother said "so why don't you tell them?"

I had to think on it awhile, but in the end I decided that I needed to tell them, that it wasn't good for either side and could be cleared up as easily as saying "Is be much happier if you got me the precise thing I asked for", so I just did it!

I think this is who your parents are.

You try and show your love buy buying expensive well thought out gifts. Your parents aren't like this - they buy "that will do".

Its not a representation of their feelings for you or your siblings, and you need to stop misinterpreting it as such.

perhaps starting telling them you are a minimalist and don;t want gifts any more. And get your books from the library, buy your own umbrella etc

For me, this depends on your parents OWN standards. Do they buy cheap non branded stuff for themselves? Do they wear Nike trainers themselves but jut get the cheapos for you and you alone? Are you being singled out for "special" bargain-store treatment or maybe is this just how they are with everyone?
If it's how they are with themselves and everyone....you need to laugh it off. It's not a barometer of their love for you....they're just cheapskates .....my folks are like this but love me to bits!

@BarbarianMum

It is a bit weird! I've had a laugh about it with my DP before, I've asked for things worth a bit, but I've also asked for things costing about $10, and yet it's still too much apparently! Hahaha.

I have so many bad gift stories, most of them are funny, a few have bothered me though, to be truthful.

I couldn't give them cheap gifts, it's important to me to show my love and appreciation for them that way, it wouldn't feel right. But fun suggestion :) I don't know if my pa would mind honestly haha

@Karigan198
Not asking for anything would absolutely stop any disappointment, as there would be no expectation, but I'm not sure I could handle the gifts I might get then!

Another funny gift story, I have short pixie cut hair (only 2 inches long) and have for a decade, recently (or I suppose about 3-4 years ago now) I didn't ask for anything for Christmas and recived a set of hot curlers for my hair! Impossible to use but my ma said "in case I grow it one day" ridiculous!!! Haha

Why not say you are running out of space to store stuff so prefer a day out with them than a gift!? You'll have a fun time and no tat!

My mum is the same - she'll buy numerous cheap items instead of one expensive item. I'd much prefer her to spend her money on one nice thing instead of ten cheap things, but have never been able to get this through to her. So I've just asked her not to buy me stuff.

I am not a "gifty" person.

OH and I spend £10 on each other at christmas. I don't like "stuff" or labels.

Oh will bring me tea in bed, he will take my car and fill it with petrol, check the tyres, scrape ice off the windscreen before he goes to work.
He makes food for me that he doesn't like but I do.

We show love in other ways rather than gifts

Just contact Dr Ahmed OP!

@SneakyGremlins

Of course! Why didn't I think of that in the first place?!

Lol that’s awesome and exactly the kind of whacky thing I get. That’s the kind of little story you could tell for the next few weeks post birthday and priceless. Then regift them ;)