Hurt over cheap gifts?

[C0tt0nstar]

I've always gotten cheap gifts from my parents, for Christmas and birthdays, for example I might have asked for a pair of Nike sneakers as a teen and instead received wal-mart brand. I've always been aware that my feelings of not being valued and feeling hurt over this are quite spoiled and selfish sounding, so I never brought it up with my parents until a year ago.

It was honestly a little mortifying to explain this as an adult to my parents, who have always provided well for me (I made sure I stressed this when I told them as well), but I had to let them know that when they asked what I wanted for my birthday and I said "just a nice, high-quality umbrella, something to last me a good while" and recived a dollar store compact umbrella, that quite literally broke the first time I used it due to only moderate winds, it was hurtful.

I tried to explain that I appreciated all they got for me though the years, but that I wished they'd get me something a bit special for the holidays, and if they couldn't a card with a hart-felt message would be nice, but the cheap gifts have continued.

I feel frustrated, unheard, and unappreciated, aibu?

@seventhgonickname

I understand the points you're making up unfortunately they miss the mark a bit, it was not and is not particularly important to me to have brand name things, and I didn't often ask for them as a teen, though I did sometimes.

Also, it's not really the expense of the gift that is the issue to my parents either, I have often times asked for a gift that would cost no more than $30 cnd (which, to my family at least, is not very expensive at all).

The issue is that, even though I've tried to explain my needs, my parents cannot resist getting something similar, but often unsuited or low quality for less money.

For example, 2 Christmases ago I asked for the first game of thrones book because I wanted to try the serise out, it costs $9.99 and was widely available, but I recived a copy of "quest of the dragon", I assume because it was on sale. While in this case quality was not the issue, it still did not suit my needs.

they're just the kind of people who always buy cheap stuff - they probably think it's "just as good".

My mother is of this ilk. She'll turn up with huge bags of stuff from the pound shop at Christmas, much of which will have broken/gone in the bin by new year. It's crazy. Much hilarity one year when she said to my aunt, in genuine astonishment, "I don't know how you manage to get such nice presents." Aunt had obviously - and openly - just gone down to M&S and raided their Christmas shop, but the stuff was all of reasonable quality.....

Knowing what they are like, you're setting them up to fail by asking for particularly high quality/expensive things. ShotsFired has it right I think - ask for things where the quality is not such an issue. Eg recipe books, fiction books, kitchen stuff like casserole dishes/chopping boards/mugs/glasses/coasters rather than things like saucepans where the quality really affects the function.

I do think you need to set this aside. Teenagers are expensive to keep in trainers, and it is really normal for parents not to stretch to premium brands (which they usually don't value enough to buy for themselvesl) especially when feet are growing so quickly. My teenager doesn't have an iphone. It's not that I don't love her, I just am not prepared to pay iphone prices when android have always worked for me and we feel that's enough to spend on a phone. What would you advise my daughter? Should she be planning a big talk to convince us that we need to get her an iphone because otherwise she will continue to feel unloved, or something else?

I do think you may have got unlucky with the umbrella. The compact ones often seem quite flimsy, even if expensive. We seem to get through a lot of umbrellas - they never last long.

@excited0803

A kindred spirit! I'm glad you could see that I asked for (and stressed the quality of) the umbrella because I thought it was a compromise! Still didn't work.

I like the ideas of giving things to charity, like @wingsonmyboots and others have suggested, but I'd still prefer to just get a card. I don't feel very good about giving away the gifts so soon after getting them, seems insensitive? But I guess it's better than a closet full of sheets that are the wrong side for my bed (true story, because the queen sized set was clearance and the double wasnt, lol!)

Your upset because you don't get the top end branded items you ask for?

Yes, I was the same. Parents and brother always asked what I wanted and then gave me something else instead, either an inferior similar item or something completely different, but then "topped up" the money they spent with even more crap. Complete disregard for my feelings and needs.

I remember starting guitar lessons - told my mum which book the class were using - she came home with a different one which was completely useless and then wouldn't either take it back nor buy the right one. Her idea was that it would be similar, so what's the problem. Thankfully the teacher found an old one of the right book which was very tatty etc but at least meant I could participate in the lessons.

IF it had been a matter of money, I'd have understood, but it wasn't. For some reason they had the idea that quantity was better than quality, so following the OP example, if I'd have asked for Nike trainers, I'd have got Primark one and a pair of Primark jogging pants too - together costing more than the Nike trainers I actually wanted.

In adulthood, I got so fed up with it, (as did my OH), I told them we were stopping buying eachother presents and just giving cards instead. Of course, they were mortified and we didn't speak much for a while, but they soon got over themselves when we had kids and they wanted to be involved.

I think sometimes people get hung up on 'saving money'. My OH is like this, he's got plenty of money but buys all his clothes from the cheapest possible outlet, even if they aren't quite right. I know people who buy shoes that are a size too small because they are on sale, even though it means walking in agony for months! It's just how they are.

And it's usually the reason why they are comfortably off, to be honest. I understand how it must hurt you, OP, but maybe try to look at it in the way that it's not that they love you any less, they just love money quite a lot too!

I 100% stand by everything I said. Especially now that you are in the workforce and you understand how hard it is to earn money and pay for luxuries. You see how hard your parents must have worked to never make you worry about money growing up. You see how hard it is to afford nikes and nice umbrellas. You can't afford it, and maybe your parents can't either. You don't know their finances. It doesn't sound like they weren't playing favourites, or giving luxuries to your siblings and purposefully leaving you out. As someone above said: some people are just cheap. Some people are rubbish gift givers. You just have to accept that.

The bigger question is, why is your self worth tied to what people give you? It doesn't sound like your parents withheld essentials, or even minor luxuries. It doesn't sound like they withheld love or affection. Why is your self worth so tied to their gifts?

It sounds like you have fixated on this one thing and blamed them for your feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth.

At the end of the day they aren't going to change. Either you can change your reaction to it or you can continue to blame them for your self esteem. The latter just sounds exhausting.

One of my friends had a horrific and abusive childhood. and she said one of the most insightful things I have ever heard: "Your childhood may have been horrible, or it may have been wonderful. But your childhood is over. You are an adult now and you are responsible for your own life and feelings. You can't keep blaming your parents and refusing to work on yourself."

Sorry crossposted while typing that essay!

Btw it is quite liberating to just bin/charity shop bizarre gifts straight away. They don't need to "meet your needs". Think of it that the point of them is to fulfil the social convention of exchange of tokens, nothing more.

@istilldrinkcava

I realize the question you asked about your teen is rhetorical, but I'll supply an answer anyways. When I was a teen and wanted something quite expensive I could potentially have a talk with my parents about earning half the cost myself with my part time job or money from babysitting and they could supply the other half, if after our conversation they thought it was not an unreasonably expensive thing (for example if I wanted a new phone that cost $300-400 they might agree, but if I wanted a thousand dollar iPhone, no way!). Your daughter could try this.

I'd also like to clarify, lots of people seem to be suggesting that I'm always asking for really ritzy, top of the line stuff. I never said this, the difference in the "expensive" item I ask for, and the "cheap" item I recive is often less than $20cnd

I think you have the right of it when it comes to changing what I ask for though, I just need to find things that don't rely on quality or cost to be useful to me.

Sorry OP , wasn't having a go but you do seem hung up on the trainer's so I would just let that go.Also to be fair mydustbin was good quality.
Treat it as a challenge,ask for something where you've set the bar as low as you think possible and see if they can beat it and that way at least you can laugh all the way to the charity shop.
Keep the sheets,they don't take up much room and you'll need them for painting in the future.
Good luck with the job hunting.

You see how hard it is to afford nikes and nice umbrellas. You can't afford it, and maybe your parents can't either. You don't know their finances.

Total rubbish. She already said the things she asks for aren't a significant amount of money for her parents. (One example being a book for $10). Of course she knows her parents' finance enough to know this.

Enjoy the card they send. Just that.

If they send you a cheap item that will break first use, then just throw it in the bin. Move on. You've told them and they can't or don't want to change. Don't let it eat you up.

Ever teenager woudl prefer NIkes to Walmart brand shoes. That's not being spoiled.

Some parents don't seem them as value for money or can't afford them and that#s aldo fine.

HOwever, I agree with the OP that a dollat store umbrella is less than worthless. It is expected that it will break first time and is just more landfill waste. The OP will still have to go buy her own umbrella and the parents made no effort to get her something she wanted.

Your upset because you don't get the top end branded items you ask for?

"Top branded" is not the same as "not dollar store". The Nikes are a decade ago, the OP mentioned it as part of a pattern.

@ZoeWashburne I think it's a bit rich telling the OP to be more grateful while you and your husband "have a little laugh" together at your aunt's expense while taking her gift to the charity shop. The OP is hurt, but you are mean spirited. I hope you don't laugh about her gifts in front of your children. That's not a message you want to give them

@seventhgonickname

I'm sorry I didn't mean for it to seem like I was targeting you with the Nike thing! I've just noticed a lot of people taking it to mean that I'm quite obsessed with brand name items and I wanted to clarify that that's not the case, I just didn't want to make a separate post about it, I didn't mean to suggest you were being rude to me or anything like that!

Op when your parents ask you what you want have you ever asked them for a really cheap umbrella that breaks on its first outing.

I do feel people get very stuck in their ways with present giving. My mum always buys often quite expensive "experience" gifts that involve traveling somewhere inconvenient and spending a significant amount of time there doing something that doesn't really interest me. I remember when I was finishing my masters degree explicitly telling her I was incredibly busy and had no time to spare so please don't get me anything that will take up time. She still did - she said it sounded like it would be good to have a day relaxing. Same when DH and I had just had a baby. We said we really had no time together and we were exhausted so the few times we got a babysitter we really just wanted to go somewhere to sit and chat (not abseil down a building or fly a flight simulator) she still got us a race car experience day aaaahhhhhch!

@PuddlesOfBud When I said have a little laugh, to be clear, I meant to myself in private. Some people are just rubbish gift givers. From this aunt I once got a half drunk bottle of Aldi bailey's and Dh got a giant piece of metal wall art of bell peppers. We don't think she loves us any less for this, she is just that way. And we still love her. And we recognise that it is the thought that counts. If a response to a gift is anything but a profuse thank you and a nice thank you note, that is unacceptable. And that is exactly what I was telling the OP.

Some people are just cheap. That doesn't mean they love you any less and that doesn't mean your self worth should be tied to it.

If the worst thing her parents have done in her childhood is be bad gift givers, Yes, she does need to practice more gratitude.

my dd loves a brand,
my other dd is totally ok with generic tampons

if you ask for a branded item and you dont get it, i suggest you ask for cash for your birthday, or a voucher
then you can add towards it to get what you want op.

@Zaphodsotherhead

What you said about how some people can't resist saving money, that's exactly my parents! It's funny you mention the shoes that are too small, yet another gift I've recived! Haha

Honestly, I can often have a bit of a laugh about it, once a week or so has past.

i dont think you should feel hurt by the cheap umbrella op. they see things differently than you.
You look for quality, they look for the item
you say nike trainers, they hear trainers.

i dont think you can change them, and it doesnt mean they love you any less.

My SIL always says if she doesnt get the gift she asked for, even on Christmas Day. I find it really rude but then I guess there's enough crap in the world and if you're not going to use what you get if it isn't right, then it's best to say.
Personally I would ask for money or vouchers rather than something specific if they're not going to listen.

I'd be upset at thoughtless gifts. I don't have much cash but even if you only had a tenner you can still give somebody something thoughtful.

I enter competitions as a hobby and I'm thrilled when I win something really amazing that I can gift to my family.

It IS the thought that counts. I'd be really upset with a £1 umbrella.

I bet asking for cash will get the OP £0.43

Ask for a bunch of flowers next time.
Even if they only spend a small amount it's pretty impossible to go too far wrong with flowers.
If you don't like flowers you need to select something that is not supposed to last a long time and has 1 set use like chocolates, bubble bath, a bottle of wine etc.
You might not get a particularly good gift but at least you can use it and be done with it.
I do understand why you are fed up but I think as an adult now, you need to just acknowledge they are not good at buying gifts and have no expectation of getting a quality present from them. Hopefully they are there for you in other ways.

My stbxh used to do this to me...like if I had said I wanted a calendar, he would buy me a kitten one from the pound shop- I don't even like cats. When he realised I didn't use anything he bought he stopped doing it, as he wasn't saving money if I didn't use it.