Hurt over cheap gifts?

[C0tt0nstar]

I've always gotten cheap gifts from my parents, for Christmas and birthdays, for example I might have asked for a pair of Nike sneakers as a teen and instead received wal-mart brand. I've always been aware that my feelings of not being valued and feeling hurt over this are quite spoiled and selfish sounding, so I never brought it up with my parents until a year ago.

It was honestly a little mortifying to explain this as an adult to my parents, who have always provided well for me (I made sure I stressed this when I told them as well), but I had to let them know that when they asked what I wanted for my birthday and I said "just a nice, high-quality umbrella, something to last me a good while" and recived a dollar store compact umbrella, that quite literally broke the first time I used it due to only moderate winds, it was hurtful.

I tried to explain that I appreciated all they got for me though the years, but that I wished they'd get me something a bit special for the holidays, and if they couldn't a card with a hart-felt message would be nice, but the cheap gifts have continued.

I feel frustrated, unheard, and unappreciated, aibu?

The only people hung up on the trainers are the posters that keep mentioning them!

I get you OP. My dad can be a bit like this - he asks for a list, you specify one or two particular items (this is how we do it in my family, others are different) and then he goes off piste with something really random. I’ve mentioned this before but the turtle shaped bag for my sister when she was about 17 was a low point!

I’d ask for vouchers from now on. And if they say no, they want something for you to unwrap, I’d say chocolate or something.

To me, it sounds mean to go out of your way to buy something not quite what that person has asked for. It’s a waste of time and money and then the recipient feels awful that they don’t like it.

@Slartybartfast

I think your post is a short and sweet summary of the general input of this thread, this gift debacle between my parents and I is a miscommunication born from our different love languages.

I know they love me, but I can't immediately not be bugged by this, I'll just need time to really internalize that it doesn't mean they aren't listening or don't care.

And asking for consumable goods will help too, lol!

Obviously there are a few issues here.

I DO understand where you are coming from.

As an example, when I got engaged, many moons ago, my mother gave me a 5 piece saucepan set but kept the largest one for herself! I see the funny side now but at the time I was very hurt.

I felt undervalued and hurt that neither I nor the rather important occasion merited a whole present and was seen as an opportunity to get something for herself. No, it was nothing to with the actual saucepan.

Firstly, I would strive to see the funny side, which it seems like you're already doing. It really does have a funny side.

Secondly I would accept that you won't change them. A totally honest open, serious request that they stop would really involve you saying the reasons behind it. How do you dress up or say kindly that you feel they are thoughtless and cheap? You can't. They would be very hurt and it could really harm the relationship you do have.

So resign yourself to the fact that these lovely gifts will keep coming. Then, I would designate a particular place in your house, a drawer or something, perhaps even give it a name, and as soon as you can, deposit the unwanted item in to it.

Use it or wear it a few times in their sight if you need to, if you can, then put it back. Then, a bit like when someone dies, after a 'respectable' period, say 6 months, or if you are really guilted about it, a year, donate it.

In fact you could keep last year's birthday/Christmas present till you have the next one to replace it with giving you a full year until donation time! Generally even if you were using it, it would acceptable to stop after a year.

But don't just ignore your hurt feelings about it. This is only something you can work through yourself. Your worth and your value are not reflected in or dictated by, by cheap gifts. Do you really feel that is true? If not, why not?

They do not automatically imply that your parents don't value you as they should. They say more about your parents than you and not necessarily in a negative way. They could be viewing this all from a totally different angle e.g. truly believing it does not matter if it is the EXACT thing if it's sort of what you asked for, the know you'll like it because it's similar.

They may want to not just get what you've told but be seen to be bothered enough to find something similar. They may genuinely think 'what is the point of paying £X for that when this is basically the same thing much cheaper?'

None of the above may be right but the point is they are thinking in their own groove not yours.

If it really is a sign a sign that they don't care 2 hoots about you then you have to address that and work on how you feel about yourself.

@SneakyGremlins

So funny! Honestly though, i dont think i could ever ask my family for a voucher or money, in my family that seen as quite rude to ask for money.

So? It's bloody rude to gift someone things they don't want, that break after one use!

@WingsOnMyBoots

No, No, you're absolutely right wings, everything you've said is right on the mark. Thank you for such a thoughtful reply.

I'm sorry this response is so short, but I feel I've already said it all in previous posts, this is all very good food for thought. They live to give me a gift, and I do like to show them gratitude, I suppose I'll just have to get behind everyone's advice and start visiting the charity shop a bit more, hahah!

*like

@sallythesheep73
"If you want an expensive umbrella, buy one"
They asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

OP no it was an actual question. Perhaps with the wisdom of hindsight that plan might have worked with the trainers. But let's move on!

There are some really bizarre things on here like the wrong size sheets and the wrong guitar book for a group lesson. I remember my parents making similar calls. As PPs have said, I think you just need to understand that their value of things is different to yours. They probably are trying to do the best by you but just using their values, not yours.

We are probably all guilty of getting gifts wrong. I scrimp on cards and use cheap wrapping paper or brown paper and ribbon, which must look awful to others who value these things. For everyone who likes to buy "posh" brands for gifts, there's probably a recipient who would secretly prefer a cheaper brand plus a few extra bits and bobs.

Newsflash to everyone: Apparently buying birthday presents for your close family is now classed as "being provided for".

Who knew...?

@Ivymaud

Once again, they asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

C0tt0nstar

@sallythesheep73
"If you want an expensive umbrella, buy one"
They asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

You could say well I want the £200 umbrella but its a bit expensive and I dont want one that will fall apart after 10 mins so why not buy me a £20 book voucher? Job done?

For my DN's birthday I asked my sister what she would like and my sister asked me what my budget was CF!!

Seriously if you want nice stuff buy it yourself. Clearly your parents arent on your level so dont waste your or their time and sort out your expectations.

@sallythesheep73 I’m sorry for your situation but nothing of what you’ve said is even remotely similar to what OP is talking about.

@IStillDrinkCava

You're right cava, people do just have different values and wants, that's actually why I had the embarrassing talk with my parents. I was trying to make it clear that what I wanted and needed was just the thing I asked for, not something like it plus some dollar store bits and bobs, or something "just as good" but at a lower cost.

Of course, as we know from this thread existing, that didn't work. I think you're right on when you say it's about their values, I'm working on being more understanding of that.

As for the wrapping paper, hilariously enough, I do that too! Maybe I'm offending my ma with my cheap paper? Who knows hahah

Actually my sister (who complains about my gifts) FAILED to send DD1 a card for her birthday but did send a present and usually FAILS to wrap presents.
Personally I find lack of wrapping and card more crap than cheap present.
We all have our own standards!

I think you have a tripartite solution OP:

1. Ask for consumables or single use items
2. Ask for household stuff that just is what it is
3. Reset your expectations and appreciate they might speak a different love language - but they DO still love you!

(4. Ignore the competitive belittling by some posters, who knows what is so wrong in their lives they feel the need to drag you down with them!)

@sallythesheep73

I don't understand why you're exaggerating the cost of the umbrella do much? On what planet could an umbrella even cost £200? That's like, What? $350 cnd? A really really nice umbrella is like $30cnd (£20?).

C0tt0nstar we probably both learned to scrimp on wrapping from our pennywise parents

You;ve said they can afford more, do they spend more on other relatives - do you have siblings/cousins that get more?
I can see that you are hurt by the lack of thought rather than the lack of money spent. I don't have a lot of money for gifts but i always try to get something thoughtful and spend time thinking what the person woudl really like.
But some people just don't do birthdays - they only want to get a token, because they don't attach the same meaning to birthdays as you do - if that's how they;ve always been then that is how they are and there's not a lot you can do.

As you say, it may well be different 'love languages' - and if they have provided well, are generally caring and show you love in other ways, then you might have to accept that presents are not their thing.

I get you OP. They asked you what you wanted for your birthday, you told them, but then you didn't get it. If they had said "No, sorry, we can't afford Nikes" that would have been ok, am I right? It's not about the value of the gift or the name on it, is it - it's the fact that they asked you a question and then kind of ignored your answer, like they were only half listening to you and only heard "trainers" or "umbrella" or "fantasy novel". The Game of Thrones book example you gave demonstrates that perfectly. "Oh, it's a fantasy novel, it'll do" - never mind that it's not the one you wanted, it's close enough. You may as well have just said "a book" or "food" or "a CD" and to hell with your taste. It's as if the specifics don't really matter and it IS hurtful because they didn't listen properly, which makes you wonder why they bother asking.

They sound like die hard bargain hunters. It is frustrating, we have one in our family. It doesn't mean they don't love you but they just aren't very good at seeing things from your point of view.

(Fwiw my teens get all the name brands they want, I don't care if they are sheep- society needs sheep!!! And as I'm forever saying - don't judge on appearances works both ways. They may look trendy on the outside, you don't know them on the inside.)

Great summary @ShotsFired that's what I've gleaned too. And thank you to yourself and the other posters who stayed with my through this whole thread. I don't know if I'll get any more novel, useful advice here, but what I have gotten is great and I'll stick around a bit longer in case.

Thanks everyone!