To expect MIL to be able to look after my baby?

[NickMyLipple]

14 week old has been sleeping over at grandma's house every other Friday night for several weeks now. Today when we dropped DD she was a bit snuffly and dribbly and I wondered if she might be starting teething though she's a bit young... maybe she's just under the weather or got a little cold?

Anyway, AIBU to expect MIL to be able to deal with her even if she's a bit poorly and to call us if she is really stuck?

DP thinks I should call and make sure she is okay (his mum, that is!) But I think that's a bit condescending and she should be able to manage and will call us if she can't?

Op - we did thi, both DS slept at PIL every other Friday since they were about 12 weeks - gave DH and I time to just be although after a takeaway and glass of wine we were usually snoring away on the sofa at 8pm

Cue years later and both DS still stop there every other Friday despite the youngest now being 19!

Morning, OP here - sorry I have taken so long to reply but I was enjoying my lie-in

Honestly, I'm glad I donned my hard hat when I posted in AIBU, and it's probably a bloody good job I don't have PND because some of the responses could have been really hurtful to someone who was really questioning their actions.

At no point have I questioned my actions. I think as a parent I may be very relaxed, non anxious and chilled out compared to many others but that doesn't make me a bad mother. It doesn't make me incompetent or a twat, and I shouldn't have a to justify why I wanted a child to other people.

I absolutely adore my baby, and I think of her often when she isn't with me but she does not have to be attached to me 24/7 and it's entirely healthy for her to form strong bonds and relationships with other carers who love her and care for her and nurture her.

I honestly didn't expect this matter to be so controversial. In the same breath, it's not even what I asked advice on!

I love my MIL, and I didn't want her to think that I assumed she couldn't manage just because DD had a teeny tiny sniffle. My baby wasn't ill or dying and she didn't even have a cold or temperature or any other symptoms of being actually under the weather - she was snuffly and drooly but fine in herself. I sent the Calpol and saline nasal drops too, just in case!

Anyway, it's provided some good reading hasn't it!

Lots of posters on here would have a field day with me - if I ever have a child I want a night nanny, but failing that plan on farming out the baby to any and all willing helpful grandparents and uncles / aunts

I was often given to my grandparents as a child for a day or a weekend from a young age - it was normal in our family. They’d all but one passed away by the time I was a young teenager, and I am glad I got to spend so much time with them and have very happy memories.

I am also very close with my mother - my precious, fragile bond with her was not damaged in any way.

OP - I’m sure your MIL has the common sense and skill to deal with a sniffly baby. I hope you enjoyed your night off :)

I think it's a bit harsh suggesting baby is 'sick' and OP might be mentally ill because she's giving herself a break overnight every other week!

Yes, baby is obviously a bit under par, but not desperately ill or anything, and I don't see a night with someone familiar does any harm.

As for original question, I think it might be fair to check with MIL in evening and morning that baby is OK, just to show you are aware baby might be a bit higher-need than usual and you appreciate the help. Personally, I'd check before dropping that she's OK with baby possibly being a bit unwell.

@NickMyLipple I did say you wouldn't be on for a while as you'd be having a lie in down thread 😂

Op is quite a regular and nice poster
. I recognise her name, also remember her being pregnant so I don't think this is a reverse or a wind up.

@Awwlookatmybabyspider I've got a gang of April Babies mums who have my back somewhere

I'll judge. Judge the overprotective, horrified posters on here who will but doubt turn into Helicopters parents later. I really am astounded.

Op my DS spent a night with his GM once a week from 2 weeks. Ok it was in my house and he was just in the spare room with her. But she did the night wakings and let me lie in.

It saved my sanity and they now have the most amazing bond.

Ignore the hysterical posts on here. I judge them not you.

In regards to your actual AIBU your mil sounds lovely and I'm sure wouldn't be offended if you popped her a quick text to check on DD.

Good on you op for not letting these dafties get to you. Honestly if it wasn't so outrageous it would be funny.

Although I shouldn't be surprised. I got told last week that when I leave my two kids in the car for a short time (10 mins) that I only have myself to blame if it went on fire and the eldest couldn't save her sister. She's 11.

What I'm saying is, why should the horrible posts be deleted? Even if they are deleted they were still written and that can't be changed. It's harder for bullying to thrive if it's all out in the open where we can all see who said what. If you wouldn't say it to someone's face you shouldn't type it.

Lots of really unpleasant posts here! Wonder if this is the same brigade who slate women who go back to work before 12 months (I've met plenty of those and just delight in telling them that I'm actually enjoying being back)? Wonder if any of them would give a shit if your husband was going off to have a break and leaving the baby with you?

Ignore them. If they want to martyr themselves for their children let them, doesn't mean everyone else should too.

Op you and mil have a lovely relationship, likewise your baby will also have a beautiful bond with DG.

Can't understand why the care should be with the mother, without any help - but instead should go through motherhood as a combat course like a martyr.

@Nicknacky I read that thread and thought how stupid it was. I leave DD in the car when I pay for petrol - call social services quickly!!

@NeepNeepNeep - you're so right! I'm honestly not upset in the slightest of the attitudes of some. Everyone is entitled to an opinion but some of the posters above have awful ways of talking to people. There are ways of saying that someone disagrees without laying into someone like that. Leave the posts there in my opinion for all to see the true nest of vipers which we're collectively so often seen as!

Wow, some really harsh comments.

I'm sure your MIL will be fine with a snuffly baby but, if it'd make your DH more comfortable, a call to check she doesn't mind would be ok. I'm sure she'd realise you were just checking and not being condescending.

FWIW I don't think a night away once a fortnight is a big deal. But then our 5 week old is having a sleepover with DM tonight as we have a 30th and then next Saturday with MIL for our anniversary.

In years to come....

I wonder who will have the chilled, confident non-anxious children ?

I wonder who will have the children bought up in a happy home where the parents valued their relationship with each other sufficiently to spend some quality child free time with each other on a regular basis. ?

I wonder who's children will have firm strong supportive loving bonds with their grandparents?

In the other hand ...
I wonder who's children will still be carried around in a cotton wool papoose, trailed after by their anxious mothers and unable to make it through the first year of Uni because Mama never lets them out of their sight.. (yes Mama on her own because Papa has long since got fucked off with obsessive martyrdom over the children) ..

I know what type of mother I would choose OP.. luckily I was like you and my kids would stay with Granny, Uncles, Aunt.

I do think there is a dangerous combination of abject jealousy and batshit-ness from the Martyr-mums though. So if you are reading this and have any form of PND - please believe their level of obsessive parenting is NOT NORMAL!!

OP, you are fine.

My DD has been to MIL every other Saturday since she was around 4 months old, and that's only because that's how long I could hold off MILs hounding. She would have had her from day 1 given the choice. I trust her completely and DD adores her. It gave me a break when PND hit and allowed me and DH, who hardly see each other otherwise, time together as a couple and time to sleep.

If I didn't trust MIL or DD had been upset with being away from me, I wouldn't have had a second thought about getting her at any hour and bringing her home. However DD is happy, MIL is happy, I am happy. ( Don't get me wrong, the first few times were hard)

When I was ready to go back to work DD was happy to go to whoever was looking after her on whatever day with very little separation anxiety because she learnt from a young age that mummy always comes back.

I'm sure your DD is fine and that MIL has coped with a snuffly baby over night. Do not allow some posters judgement of you stop you from doing what's right for YOUR family and YOUR and DDs wellbeing.

Being permanently attached to your child and never letting anyone else in to care for the child without you breeds separation anxiety and a whole bigger struggle as they get older.

Good on you OP for such a balanced response to all the sanctimonious nutters who came on here to flame you.

I am intrigued to know whether the people who say it is a crime to leave your baby with her Granny overnight would say the same if it was the baby’s father you were leaving her with?

I was a bit dubious about the title of the OP but from reading it clearly OP isn't just dumping her baby at an unwilling MiL's house and demanding she looks after her. I hate it when people decide to attack OP without properly reading or understanding the post. I also hate bullying. Good on you OP.

Morning, everyone.

We've just deleted quite a few posts that absolutely aren't in the spirit of what we're about; namely support for all parents. It's obviously fine to disagree (even robustly) but we draw the line at personal attacks. We're going to be sending some mails to the posters that we feel have crossed the line here.

Thanks, too, for all the reports.

Some grips need to be given out on this thread! Talk about overreacting. Personally I wouldn't leave my baby with anyone that young but I wouldn't judge anyone that did. If I did leave him I wouldn't have left him if he was poorly unless it was necessary but again that's my choice. My mum never left me ever and instantly regretted it when she had to go to work and I wouldn't stay with anyone for even an hour without screaming the place down, at 3 years old. So it's not really a bad thing it's setting in a bit of confidence in the child.

Well done op, you sound like a well balanced relaxed and calm person, your is a very healthy attitude to have. I am glad those sanctimonious hysterical arm chair psychologists are far behind. The sensible people are on now.

Yanbu OP. You do what works for you and MIL.

I think your title was a little strange though.

Glad you are able to laugh at some of the more absurd posts on this thread.
I can only say I'm insanely jealous that you are able to get a break. It was 2 years before my mil would agree to babysit and that was on the proviso it didn't become a regular thing.
We lived 100 miles away so I'm not quite sure how regular she thought it would be
Anyway have fun!

Just RTFT and some of the responses to the OP are unreal!

Good for you OP glad you're enjoying your once fortnightly break. DS and DD both stayed at DM at least once a week since 8 weeks old and have always loved it. DD is a well rounded well behaved teen now (they do exist!) and DS relishes time with DM, has gone to Nursery and school with no separation issues and is also a well rounded sociable little chap. Also DM and Nursery have looked after DS since a very young age whilst I worked full time (and still do!) yet he seems happy and the time we spend to together is all the more precious.

Enjoy your mini breaks and ignore the self righteous posters on here wonder if when their little darlings have to spend a night away in an emergency or for a school trip if they will be so judgemental when posting on MN for help on separation anxiety

To answer your original post, you are right. It sounds like you have an amazing relationship with MiL and she would let you know if there was a problem. The idea that you have to attached to a. Baby constantly is a crazy.

Due to circumstances I looked after my eldest GC from newborn for several weeks and the maternal GPs have recently been doing the same for one of the others. No babies were harmed by being away overnight from their parents.