To expect MIL to be able to look after my baby?

[NickMyLipple]

14 week old has been sleeping over at grandma's house every other Friday night for several weeks now. Today when we dropped DD she was a bit snuffly and dribbly and I wondered if she might be starting teething though she's a bit young... maybe she's just under the weather or got a little cold?

Anyway, AIBU to expect MIL to be able to deal with her even if she's a bit poorly and to call us if she is really stuck?

DP thinks I should call and make sure she is okay (his mum, that is!) But I think that's a bit condescending and she should be able to manage and will call us if she can't?

DS stayed over at my DMs when he was 4 weeks old.

He had colic, reflux and cried all the time that he was awake for and I had terrible PND.

It gave me a well needed break as I was beginning to show signs of post partum psychosis.

Nice to know that I was have been judged so heavily by MN users if I had posted about it!

Sorry you’re getting a hard time OP.

OP won't come back to this thread for a couple of hours, she's enjoying her lie in!

Good for her!

I'm just jealous 😁

Hope you all had a good night and your baby is well today! Close, loving, involved grandparents are one of the best gifts you could ever give your child, if you're lucky enough to have them. My grandmothers have been dead 12 and 20 years respectively but I miss and think fondly of them every day.

I find this hard to relate to because I wouldn’t leave a 14 week old over night (but then, I wouldn’t leave until much, much, much older) but you do and that’s fine because everyone can make their own choices as long as the baby is safe and happy.

My DS goes to nursery full time (has done since little over a year because I had to go back to work. Sometimes of course he goes when teething or sniffling with a cold. There’s not much I can go because I can’t be off work every time this happens BUT of course I don’t feel good about leaving at those times and usually phone the nursery and check up on him even those he’s been there about a year (I wouldn’t phone under normal circumstances). Of course they can look after him when he’s having an off day but I’d still avoid it if I could and feel bad about it. However on an average day I feel no guilt.

Your lucky my daughter was a bit snuffly once at MIL when she was about 8 months old....9 years later she's never slept again....enjoy it.

Ffs, some people need to call the fuck down.

The baby was 'snuffly', hardly a serious matter. And the baby is with her MIL, not a psycho child killer 🙄

Literally cannot believe how awful some of you are!

The OPs baby is with its loving granny , not in a drug den! And it's once a fortnight not ever other day! And she's 14 weeks nor 14 days!

I couldn't do this because I had no family support but if I could I would have and I GUARANTEE that having a night off to catch up on sleep would've made me a better, more rested mother.
Plus my son would've had another person to bond with.

Shame on all you judgey lot.

A baby staying overnight with people who they know at that age is not a big deal. At 16 weeks we left our firstborn for a week with my parents while we went on honeymoon. It was the first holiday we'd ever had so didn't want to cancel it, and he was always a hot baby so wouldn't have coped with the heat. He was fine with Grandma, we had a great time, everyone was happy

The worst in helping other mum's on this thread. So much judgement.

The OP has left her baby with nanna. Not a stranger. In the US they only get 6 weeks maternity leave and then they are back at work. Are they neglectful mothers? No. Everyone needs a break.

OP I hope it was just teething and baby is having a nice snuggly time with her nanna. Enjoy your rest.

And Monty you don't just sound sanctimonious, you sound like a judgemental twat. I'm actually guessing you're the one with deeper routed issues here, not the mums you seem to be judging.

SeriousSimon you could just have said - "I wanted to stay with my baby for the first year and so chose not to leave them." Which wouldn't have been judgy or nasty but your statement "that first year is massively important to the long term attachment and security of the child, so I choose to not leave them" has no purpose other than to imply that "leaving" is not good for a child's long-term attachment and security. Kinda nasty and, by the way, bollocks.

My DD2 is 2 years 5 months and has never spent a night away from me and only a few hours during the day, never a full day.

DD1 however stayed with her granny (exH’s mum) one night a week from she was a few weeks old. Her granny adored her and absolutely doted on her, took wonderful care of her. DD2 absolutely loved going and her granny loved having her. They have such a strong, lovely bond now and DD2 still loves going there even though she is nearly 13.

The difference between my DDs is the grandparents. DD2s grannys both love her but not in the same way as DD1s granny did. I’m not comfortable leaving DD2 for longer than a few hours with either of her grannys. Does it make me a better parent that I haven’t had a night away from DD2? No. Was I a bad mother for leaving DD1 overnight with her loving granny? Again, no.

I think it’s a bit of a British attitude that parents should have their babies with them at all times, after all ‘it was their choice to have the baby so why should anyone else help out’. I see it time and time again on these boards. No wonder so many new mums feel depressed and isolated. In other cultures it’s normal for family to help each other with raising children and be more supportive. Much lower rates of PND in those cultures and I would say it’s pretty obvious that the 2 things are linked.

You signed up when you got pregnant, you should run the course

Christ you mean some of us won’t graduate?!

There’s some real hard of thinkers on this thread.

Interesting that not ONE of the response criticising the OP has involved her partner. Is it only women who must subscribe to the sackcloth and ashes school of parenting.

OP YANBU. Looking after your mental and physical health by a fortnightly night off is a great idea.

So many judgy pants on this thread.
Op I'm sorry you had to read those. We all do what works for our own family.

So.....did you call or your dh? I think it was kind of you to consider how the call would make your mil feel - you didn't want to appear condescending. That shows what a kind person you are! It's a shame some people missed that when reading your OP.

“I think it’s a bit of a British attitude that parents should have their babies with them at all times”

This! I completely agree and am baffled by the horrible judgmental posts. What is wrong with all the crazy mums who think the OP is in BU? Have I entered dome cultural twilight zone?

Or is there some important research I missed which says occasional overnight separation from mum but in the care of loving family under the age of one is harmful? What is all this ‘attachment’ business- is there something behind it that I have missed?

Subject to that, I love the idea of all the family being involved and OP sounds like has a good thing going for her and baby.

*@MrsDeltaB

Nope sorry, for me I'm sorry thinking those first 6-12 months are meant to be challenging. Sleepless nights are part of the parenting package. I signed up for it when I got pregnant as did husband.

I have three girls. The youngest is nearly 4. For the first time ever I left her with a close friend for 2 nights at 1yr old so DH and I could celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary. Since that, hardly ever left them

That may sound bitter, twisted whatever but IMHO, I expected how to feel as a parent and even tho it was much more I would never ask, nor expect anyone else to have my child overnight. An hour at my house? Yeah sure but no more.

You signed up when you got pregnant, you should run the course.*

So you didn't leave your child until they were one? Then you left her for two nights?

That's bloody awful!! The child would at one think you had disappeared for good? No concept of when you're coming back. Being in a strange house for what would seem like an eternity for them? And you honestly think that's good parenting? Not working up to two nights so the child understands that you will return?

Sorry, I think that is utterly cruel, at nursery they have settling in sessions for a reason!

Please don't think your parenting style is good, it's really not! *
*

"I think it’s a bit of a British attitude that parents should have their babies with them at all times"

Purely anecdotally, that's something that I've noticed too. One of my best friends comes from another European country and her boys have had regular sleepovers, and then longer stays, with their grandparents from a young age. They're delightful children and very secure and confident. I also saw an ex-colleague and her husband at a wedding last year. I asked after their kids (both under 4) and was told that they were having a lovely time with their grandparents in Eastern Europe. The mother was out there with them for a few days and then went home leaving them on for another week. Earlier in the summer, the kids had also spent ten days in the US with dad and the other grandparents while mum worked. Everyone involved had had a great summer.

I go help out DIL with DGD several afternoons a week when I can - DIL bf baby, I then walk around with DGD, aged 12 weeks to sleep. She sleeps in my arms for 2 - 3 hours, while DIL has a nap. DGD sleeps no more than 30 mins in the daytime in her cot! DIL wakes up and bf baby again. I change her nappy, then entertain DGD with nursery rhymes, etc while DIL gets dinner - or, I will get dinner for them, while DIL bf baby.

Likewise, we invite them over for Sunday lunch, and then DH and I walk DGD to sleep in about 5 mins so they can have a nap, and later have their tea in peace.

DGD is EBF, but if apart from that, DGD seems to accept happily care from us - we can get her to sleep much quicker than her parents can.

My DS stayed out for the first time at 6 weeks. And I went to a party and drank oha! Some people need to get over themselves.

Some incredibly nasty responses here.

I don't understand MN... maybe because I'm not a mum but the situation really doesn't sound like a big deal. I see new mums on social media off out clubbing or for date night when baby is a few months old, presumably baby sat by grandparents.

No big deal OP. As long as MIL isn't worried and you aren't overly worried then it's fine. If that situation changes and you do worry then a quick call to check is reasonable.

(We had twins, so anything to do with a singleton is a doddle!)

This thread should go in classics it is so surreal. So much unkindness and coldness. It's the complete opposite of what MN is supposed to be. Are you real or trying to sabotage the site? Was there a klaxon to gather together the people with the horrible replies?

What about babies who have to spend weeks or months in hospital? How insensitive are some of you.

Studies have shown that one of the greatest predictors of positive outcomes in a child's life is the number and quality of bonds they have with other relatives. I hope the posters referencing attachment theory know that too.

I’d love to scream that YABU but that would be the green eyed monster writing.
I’d have cut off both arms to have a regular break from mine particularly with a loving Grandparen
Irl I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t

These mothers who are horrified at the thought of a baby staying over with their Granny once every 2 weeks are living in cloud cuckoo land! This baby will grow up to be sociable, confident and knowing that she is loved by many people, not just their own mothers. The only reason not to do this would be if mum is still breast feeding.
Some mothers have to return to work when their babies are very young, and therefore have to leave them for many hours. No one would deem that to be wrong, except some of the very judgy women on here!
I'm expecting my first grand child in 4 weeks, and am already planning their first sleep over with me. Any child psychologist will tell you that babies should have the opportunity to bond with all close family members as early as possible.