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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To expect MIL to be able to look after my baby?

339 replies

NickMyLipple · 22/06/2018 22:31

14 week old has been sleeping over at grandma's house every other Friday night for several weeks now. Today when we dropped DD she was a bit snuffly and dribbly and I wondered if she might be starting teething though she's a bit young... maybe she's just under the weather or got a little cold?

Anyway, AIBU to expect MIL to be able to deal with her even if she's a bit poorly and to call us if she is really stuck?

DP thinks I should call and make sure she is okay (his mum, that is!) But I think that's a bit condescending and she should be able to manage and will call us if she can't?

OP posts:
NeepNeepNeep · 23/06/2018 08:14

I think a pp is right and the sensible replies outweigh the crazy martyrs now.

Grin FreyedHem and the Charlie Bucket bed

PrincessConsuelaBanana · 23/06/2018 08:15

Some women on this thread should be ashamed of themselves.

A 3 month old baby staying with their grandma 2 nights a month is not neglect and does not make OP a bad mum. I personally think it’s weird to go a full year without being apart from your child but just because that’s different to how I parent, I don’t think that makes you bad parents either. When my DC was 3 months I was sleep deprived, hormonal, felt like I was failing every day but after a break, a bit of alone time and some SLEEP I actually felt like a better mum not a worse one. Powering through this stage with no help and no break doesn’t make you a better parent (if you’re anything like me, it’d actually make you a worse one tbh). Stop giving shit to a fellow mum who’s doing what she thinks is right.

Oh and a bit sniffly isn’t ill ffs. Most kids I know spend the first 3 years of their life a bit sniffly!

Back to OP’s actually question before she was lynched by the martyr mums- my own mum I wouldn’t even question it, she’d be fine and would think I was being ridiculous to even ask but I’d let my boyfriend make the decision on his mum. If he’d rather I check first I would do, but would also say I think he’s being ridiculous and know you’re more than capable 😁

TopDog123 · 23/06/2018 08:16

Some sanctimonious utter cunts on this thread.

Nicknacky · 23/06/2018 08:21

This post is truly mumsnet at its worst. Honest to fuck, some posters need to take a good look at themselves for speaking to another mother like this.

clubcuts If you aren't actually joking then you are a massive twat.

And that makes you a worse parent than someone that leaves their kid overnight. And your quoting isn't working so it's hard to make out what is someone else's comments:

Allaboutalex · 23/06/2018 08:23

I read this last night, and I had left my baby at 4 weeks (with his dad) (I don’t know why i feel I needed to justify that Blush) and felt a bit crap. So I closed the thread and said don’t worry- in the morning sense will prevail! I was right

Sorry for not weighing in last night op- I was licking my wounds for being a bad parent and leaving him.

Clubcuts · 23/06/2018 08:26

@Nicknacky I was quoting @MrsDeltaB who was giving OP a hard time!

I was badly making a point that leaving at child at one is no better than leaving at 10 weeks. Mrsdeltab has the opinion she's a perfect mother but then another mother would say she shouldn't leave then until they can understand!

I think OPs parenting is fine.

Clearly it didn't come across like that 😂

Aeroflotgirl · 23/06/2018 08:27

The baby stage can be utterly isolating, lonely and exhausting. I hated it he baby stage especially with refluxy colicy dd, who would howl from hours on end and she had to be at work. From 9am-9pm she used to cry in the early years, I quite happily handed her over to her lovingg godmother for some overnights, and days. Thank God I had her as I don't know what I would do. She helped me for her first 5 years (until she had her grandchildren) dd was high needs with her moderate SN so was a god send. I did not feel guilty one bit, as I needed to recharge my batteries and catch up on some sleep. They were fantastic with her, better than me. Now they have her for the day (she is 11), sometimes, she loves helping with their grandkids. She is so much better. The baby/toddlerbstage was my lowest ever. I hate all these holier than thou attitudes on here, I don't think it is healthy tbh and makes the mum's look quite needy. But each to their own and all that.

Shadowboy · 23/06/2018 08:27

Blimey! I can’t see the problem? Mother needs time to rest and one night in ever 14 is not really abondoning the baby is it? It’s not like the baby isn’t cared for - I’m sure it’s being loved and fed etc. Wow so many over-reactions here. I went on a hen do when my first was 3 months old. I left her overnight- she and I have a good relationship (she’s 4 now) and she loves her grandma too. In some cultures the grandparents do the lions share of care in the first few months anyway.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/06/2018 08:28

Meant DH had to be at work

BertrandRussell · 23/06/2018 08:29

I've read a lot of awful posts on Mumsnet, but this thread is up there with the worst. I suspect some of it is to to with the MIL in the title-some people have a Pavlov's dog reaction to those letters which make them lose all reason, kindness and judgement.

It is perfectly normal to leave babies overnight with loving competent carers and for the baby to be happy to go. It is also perfectly normal for the mother or the baby not to want to. Neither is the better solution, neither shows anyone to be a better or more conscientious mother. Can I suggest that in the clear light of morning some people reconsider their posts and ask for deletion?

Nicknacky · 23/06/2018 08:29

clubcuts in that case I apologise and it's someone else who is twat! I read it about three times trying to work out which part was you and what was someone else and I clearlygot it wrong. Apologies x

The other poster is a twat.

Clubcuts · 23/06/2018 08:31

@Nicknacky I did quote fail to be honest! Grin

Clubcuts · 23/06/2018 08:32

And do you know what...I can't even remember the first time I left mine! Neither can they I'm sure!

Smile
Rosti1981 · 23/06/2018 08:33

I am quite shocked at some of the posts on here! Personally I have never left my children at night till they were 2+ (but breastfeeding so different) and would struggle to do so for my own mental health and anxiety, BUT i have zero judgement for parents who do. The baby is with MIL, not left out on the street FGS!

That said, why not give her a quick bell and check how things are going, given baby was snuffly I don't think it's undermining MIL in any way and it's fine to check.

BrutusMcDogface · 23/06/2018 08:36

Wow! I know I'm echoing many others here, but ffs! A 14 week old is not a newborn! To say that the op shouldn't have had her if she's going to let her have sleepovers "on her own" Hmm are absolutely ridiculous!

I bf so couldn't have left mine overnight at that age BUT I learnt the hard way that martyring myself was the wrong thing to do. Serious pnd followed me not wanting to be parted from my baby and not having any balance or time to sleep (he was hideous at night). If the mil is capable of doing overnights with the baby then who exactly is it harming?

WhyDoesItAlways · 23/06/2018 08:38

Congratulations OP. You seem to have dragged all the parents of the snowflake generation away from their children for long enough to come on here and judge you.

Quick, they might have melted...

Good on you OP for taking time for yourself and letting your child bond with their grandmother.

BertrandRussell · 23/06/2018 08:44

I do hope the arseholes on here haven't screwed up the OP's lovely arrangement for her. Sad

MeanTangerine · 23/06/2018 08:44

Spending one night a fortnight with grandma is not going to give a child attachment issues, ffs Hmm

MeanTangerine · 23/06/2018 08:44

(that was not a direct reply to Bert)

NeepNeepNeep · 23/06/2018 08:44

No Bertrand none of this should be deleted. In the spirit of honesty and transparency it should all stand.

MissMogwai · 23/06/2018 08:46

Fucking hell there are some horrible posters on this thread.

Never have the words 'not in the spirit of the site' been more apt.

Blueisland · 23/06/2018 08:49

"In the spirit of honesty and transparency it should all stand."

Why? What does that mean?

NeepNeepNeep · 23/06/2018 08:49

I think it should all stay so we can see what the spirit of the site really is.

WhiteFreesias · 23/06/2018 08:51

No big deal. This baby has TWO parents. The female parent is not neglectful for getting sleep once every 14 nights.

Not allowing your DC to stay elsewhere overnight doesn't make you a good mother.

Regular sleepovers at gps sound fine. I would have bitten the hand off a close family or friend had they offered. I remember the awful tiredness and wonder how I got through it.

My DC was very snuffly, still is at 11 and 5ft.

Blueisland · 23/06/2018 08:53

I hope the horrible comments get removed. Bullies get way too much airtime on the internet and can cause a great deal of upset. I'm fed up with nasty people having so much airtime. I was really shocked to see the sanctimonious judgmental garbage spouted at the OP, who is doing nothing wrong.